Lines

I am constantly writing. I have written a previous post about a book I've been trying to write for quite a long time. It's called 'The Boyfriend Book' and I had been struggling to write a few chapters. One of them was about my husband. You can refresh your memory on that one here. I had been struggling on how to write the chapter about being happy. How do you write about the perfect man? I think everything that we've been going through is a perfect way to explain how and why i love my husband the way I do. If there is one thing I can be proud of in this whole crazy situation, its that it has only brought us closer as a couple, and I think that is... excuse the pun... note worthy. I was struck with inspiration the other day so I will try to channel everything into writing our story.

Since starting this blog, and especially since writing about what happened to us and our son, I have had an abundance of messages encouraging me to keep writing. I have even been told multiple times that our story would make a great book. I don't think I'm quite there yet to trying to figure enough of this out to make sense to anyone but myself, but I do like the idea that my journals and maybe some entries from Mason's journal could become a book someday, maybe even help someone like us.

Until then, I thought it might be nice if I could write a song or a poem for Mason. I can play the piano, but I've never tried to write music. I love music, I grew up leaning on music to express how I felt when I couldn't say it myself. Unfortunately having an extreme love for something still doesn't make you any good at it sometimes. A few weeks ago I found my poetry notebook from Jr. High and believe me, it was filled with horrible poetry that I thought was the shit back in the day. It was kinda funny to see how arrogant I was when it came to writing, and I got to visit my 13 year old self, which is always revealing. I guess I'm hoping that I will be better at it 12 years later. I went back an re-read my posts and was surprised at some of the one liners that somehow came out of my brain and thought they might work for that song or poem... and this is my attempt at playing with them....


You were wanted
I cant wait to add you into our nothing days
Our lives aren't particularly exciting,
I don't know where to start or even how to begin
we haven't even gotten to the hard part yet
I love you without knowing you

You were wanted
I don't know what will actually break me
my old future scratched out for my current one
quiet and still,
he is already taking care of us
I love you without knowing you

You were wanted
the not knowing and learning to forgive myself
the pain I feel is worth it for you to not know it
the last night I went to bed as someones mommy
they cant tell me how sad they are
I love you without knowing you

You were wanted
Someone told me that I have changed forever but
I wish I couldn't have stayed the same with you
the words I want to say but can't,
and the ones I don't want to say, but have to
I love you without knowing you

You were wanted
I wasn't ready when they told us our worst fears had come true
I forgot what it was like to get bad news
My tears were different, quiet and steady
trying to be strong for my sweet little baby
I love you without knowing you

You were wanted
Lost just feels... right.
It's possible to be miserable and thankful at the same time
It's OK to be tired of being so strong
I want him to be proud of us
I love you without knowing you

You were wanted
last night I went to bed as someones mommy
and tonight I'll go to bed as just me


Disclaimer: I could probably explain all the ways I suck if I was given the time and audience so I will settle for this- i copy and pasted as I went so obviously the flow of things needs work, and some tweaking of the words... I did say my poetry from jr high was just awful right?

When I decided to go back and re-read my own words I then went back to the very beginning and while I didn't find any land mark declarations I did come across this post and it did make me feel somethings I hadn't expected. However, at the same time it gave me an excited feeling for when it comes time to announce when we become pregnant again. I guess I should start plotting ways to surprise everyone, which might be hard since I've already committed to chronicling my journey on here. I'm sure I'll figure out a way...

UPDATE:
I should probably mention my follow up appointment with the surgeon from yesterday. Are you ready for this??? I was given a clean bill of health!!! No scar tissue, my uterus contracted the way it was supposed to and my cervix was closed. She still said we needed to wait 3 months to try again so my body could absorb as much folic acid as possible so that is what we will do. I need to make another appointment with our fertility specialist so that we can make sure to take all the precautions from before and have a successful attempt when we are ready to try again. To read more about my first visit with this doctor click here.