Boobies Near Midnight

It's 11:30 at night which for me feels like 3am... what can i say i like to go to bed early... any who- i can't sleep and i thought it might help if i do the 'write down your thoughts' thing. However, a lot of the things that are keeping me from sleeping are too heavy and draining to write about right now. I would rather pretend they don't exist... at least for tonight and focus on the one that makes me laugh: my chest. That's right, i would like to write a blog post about my ta-tas. I highly doubt that i have any male readers, but if there are this is your cue to move on... same goes for family i suppose.

One of the things that keeps me awake nightly is trying to find a position i am comfortable in without squishing my chest. For those who were lucky when pregnant, or you just haven't experienced it yet- your chest gets extremely sore and uncomfortable when those hormones hit. Imagine if you will, that they feel like they are being stretched from your body and every time you move you feel every cell in your chest shift and lets just say it doesn't feel good. At all.

I was blessed with a larger than most chest when i was young... 6th grade as my mom likes to remind me. Having a large chest at a young age is a blessing and a curse. What did Spiderman's uncle tell him- "With great power comes great responsibility" or something like that... don't worry- i don't take the powers of my nice rack that seriously, but there is some truth to it. Lets go over the pros and cons shall we:

Pros:                                                        
Instant popularity with boys                 
Better fitting clothes
Cuter bras
Confidence
Free stuff

Cons:
Instant 'slut' title from other girls - can't all our cup sizes just get along?
Instant 'she's trying to steal my boyfriend' - I wasn't (Just FYI)
Instant shame whenever there is a photo of you picking something up or leaning into a photo
Instant jealousy from people who pay full price

I secretly loved my chest, but if you admit that in high school then you basically accept the title of slut, and since they did most of the talking themselves, when ever someone would mention how 'well porportioned' i was i would play the 'what? your crazy!' card and remind them that i was only a B cup. I got teased a lot that no matter what style of shirt i wore my girls were on display. I even had a phase where i would only wear t-shirts and Polo's to try to detract attention... but that seemed to only attract more attention (it probably didn't help that while my neck line was conservative they were skin tight everywhere else lol). Not until my 20's did i find out from a very nice lady at Nordstroms that i was in fact a DD and had been living my life in an uncomfortable B for no reason other than to tell people they were crazy. That trip was eye opening, back pain relieving and expensive ;)

I digress...

As my pregnancy continues so has my bust size. I read in all the books that i would probably go up a cup or so but i have already out grown all of my DD's and it will only be a short time that i outgrow the bras my mom has given me- she's pretty large too but she cuts out all the tags so i have no idea what size I've been wearing. I read that a sports bra can help with comfort so i went and got a couple Larges... only to outgrow them a few weeks later. I went and got some XL's (which is really the only time I've ever been happy about having to buy that size- well that and the fact i shop in the kids sections still... i digress again... damn sleepless brain!)

Between the larger bras and sports bras whenever i wear them i feel this strange pressure right under my chest but above my stomach... i thought it was heart burn until i took off whatever i was wearing and it went away. I think the things are just too damn heavy- even my husband has said they are rounder and heavier- for the record we were applying stretch mark creme while making this discovery so get your mind out of the gutter!

So now i try not to wear anything and just deal with the milked cow sensation instead, because at least when i don't move it doesn't hurt. I will admit, while i was terrified that they would keep growing, even i am impressed when i catch a glimpse of them... but seriously... how big are these things going to get???

I have officially cleared my head of some strange and funny (to me) dialogue, so maybe now i can try to get some sleep...

Dear Muffin

12/15/11
Dear Muffin,
A few days ago our doctor told me to take some time off work because i have been too sick to do very much. It's 10 days until Christmas and my orders are to take care of myself so that you stay safe in my belly.

I haven't been happy about the idea of staying in- I'm an on the go kinda girl. Just now though, I was so overcome with happiness that I had to share it with you.

I've been feeling awful all day but for some reason today has been special- even if nothing special has been happening. Daddy and i got to sleep in, which doesn't happen a lot. I woke up with both kitties purring on me (but that happens every morning, and I'll let you in on a secret- for those few minutes before i get up I feel just like Cinderella)

Daddy turned on the Christmas tree for me so i would walk into the room and see it when i got up. I hope you develop my love for Christmas trees too! We spent the day lounging on the couch together cuddling with you and the kitties.

Back to the moment of happy: I was on the couch with the kitties cuddling and Daddy was in the kitchen making his famous mac-n-cheese (the only thing you allow me to keep down most of the time- maybe its a clue for what you'll demand at dinner) and it hit me all of the sudden just how happy I am. Our lives aren't particularly exciting, but I think some of my favorite times are when Daddy and I are at home doing nothing together- and then I touched my growing belly and felt a tear go down my cheek.

I cant wait to add you into our nothing days. For a few minutes I forgot about my headache and my nausea and felt pure happiness. You never know how many moments like that you will get in life, so I thought I would share it with you.

I love you,
Mommy

Thanks for telling me how i feel...

Lately, I've been more vocal about the hardships with my pregnancy. As i participate in forums, pregnancy apps and books i feel like I'm being frowned upon and have been downright told that I'm already a 'bad mom' and that 'i don't really feel that way'. I don't understand how either of these are possible. Here is why:

A bad mom: My baby is only a peach, and I'm doing everything in my power to be healthy. Although our little muffin is giving me the worst time right now, i am diligent in taking my multi vitamins and even adding in vitamins for the things the baby just flat out wont allow me to have. I cant tell you the last time i was able to drink milk without gagging, so instead i endure the chalky 2x a day vitamin, i also take a strong pre-natal, vitamin d, vitamin c, stool softeners (a whole other problem that I'll spare you the details) and i have now added a ginger vitamin in hopes to ease my nausea.

I take a very strong anti-nausea medicine that makes me want to sleep and my limbs feel like they are all tingly- but i do it because its the only way i can function most of the time. I am maxed out on the other type of anti-nausea dissolvable that i take 3x a day. I also have these ginger based hard candies called Peggy drops- and even with this entire regimen of anti-nausea helpers, i still can hardly keep down water. Oh, and don't get me started on the 'hormone headaches' that plague me in the middle of the night. And the peeing- oh lord is there a lot of peeing!

Its amazing how long the list of things that you are 'supposed' to do each day when you are pregnant. Eat a million different things, take all your vitamins, drink tons of water, get 8 hours of sleep (puh-lease) oh and be the glowing representation of a super mom and do it all with a freakin smile.

its not going to happen.

This brings me to the second part I'm having an issue with: people telling me that i don't really feel the way i do about being pregnant. Let me start off by saying that i LOVE my baby more than anything on this earth, i will do anything for my muffin- which i think the above clearly shows- but that doesn't mean that i have to pretend that its the most magical experience of my life right now. I'm sorry, but when a good day is only chucking 3x a day instead of 5 or more, its kinda hard to be the cheery barefoot and pregnant drone we see on TV and in society. Actually i take it back, I'm not sorry.

I keep a journal of everything i experience so one day our muffin can read it and see how we were as parents from the very beginning. I don't hold back on how I'm feeling right now, i think if our muffin is a girl she might appreciate knowing what she might be in for when its her turn. Either way, i want our muffin to know the truth- i refuse to be one of those parents that sugar coats everything and refrains from telling the truth. I don't believe that will make me a bad mom then either.

I should give some background.. i wanted this baby so badly. I prayed and hoped for it every single day and now that it has come true, i couldn't be more grateful. I guess i just don't understand why that means that i have to pretend to enjoy what i am going through, because the truth is i am more miserable than i have been in my entire life- but despite what some naysayers might think- its possible to be miserable and thankful at the same time.

Before we got pregnant i saw MANY people who don't deserve to be parents, that is just the truth. Sadly i know just as many people that would make incredible parents, but its just not in the cards for them. It doesn't seem fair, but i am not God and i do not call the shots. Before, when i saw an obviously young girl buying a pregnancy test with a freaked out expression on her face my heart would hurt for the people that i could picture being in that same situation with a completely different face on: pure joy. So now that its me and i complain about my severe symptoms, i feel even worse because i know there are people out there who would kill to be in my shoes- even if those shoes are puke green.

What I am getting at, is that even though i am hating what i am going through, I'm so very grateful for each symptom because it means everything is on track. I know that it will all be worth it in the end, i cant wait for that time when i actually get to enjoy what i am going through. But why do i have to feel like i need to lie about it right now- why cant i say what i really think- that being pregnant is not this beautiful thing, at least for right now? And why am i left being told that i am a bad mom, or that i don't feel that way, just because its not what is expected?

I could go on forever... let me end with this...

Dear Muffin,
i love you without knowing you, but you have deserved the mullet you will eventually have.

Love,
your truth telling, loud mouth, doesn't need your advise, bad mommy

i heart a good IV!

Yesterday i spent most of my day in Urgent Care. If you don't have access to a UC, or if you are unfamiliar with it, my Dr's office offers an urgent care program for non-emergencies but urgent matters. Its nice because you don't get charged like you do for an ER, and all your medical records are already there. Yesterday was my first time using it, and i will never go back to going to the ER. It was even worth the hour and 15 minute drive. (we don't live close to my Dr but i don't want to move offices).

Sadly, i am no stranger to needing immediate medical attention. A few posts back will describe my last stay in the ER next to where we live. This time, I became severely dehydrated which is a problem when you are pregnant. I am very blessed to have so many people that care about me and want to know the whole story, so i decided to put it all in here. Disclaimer: there will be talk of poop, pee and puke here.. AND I'm not good at telling a short story lol

It all started on Thursday. Throughout the day i was having pain similar to when i have ovarian cysts in my sides whenever i would stand or stretch out. I was off that day so i spent it laying in bed trying not to move. When my husband finally got home, i remember being mad because he was gone ALL day on my day off and i hadn't felt well, which always makes me want him home more- he makes everything better. We aren't really fighters, i can count on 1 hand the amount of actual fights we've had in 6 1/2 years. We are more of the discussion type. When we disagree we talk it out, and most of the time (even when I'm right) i always feel a little sick because i don't like when we have these disagreements. So i went to bed not feeling the best. I thought our discussion was why.

I woke up at about 4am Friday morning with the worst dry mouth so i drank some water (faster than i should have) and when i laid down i really didn't feel well. I got my emergency bowl and put it by my bed just in case, and eventually fell asleep. Then i woke up again at 5:30am and needed to pee. When i was going i felt a sharp pain in my side again. I had remembered reading that pain while peeing is something you should report to your Dr asap, but me being stubborn i decided it was just because i hadn't felt well all day. I went back to bed.

My alarm for work went off at 6:30 and i got up and immediately made my breakfast to ward off any morning sickness. I still had dry mouth so i ate my cereal pretty quickly and then started to do my makeup. About 10 minutes in i knew that i was going to be sick. This is something I'm used to so when i was done getting rid of my breakfast i went back to getting ready. The only thing i thought was weird was that so MUCH came out when all i had eaten was cereal. Then about 10 minutes later i felt the need to hurl again, but this time it was all bile and this weird foam. (hey i warned you about TMI). It actually made me late because i started sweating really bad and felt dizzy so i had to sit down for a while.

I went to work and right when i got there i felt the sensation again. And Again. And Again. And Again. I know what your thinking, why didn't i just go home? Well, I've been missing a lot of work lately because of this stupid morning sickness, and we were getting a visit from someone important so i was doing my best to be a trooper. Unfortunately in the 4 hours i was there i threw up over 10 times (all the mystery bile-foam concoction). Around 10am while i was getting sick i got really dizzy and saw these black dots pop up in my vision and i knew for sure, that this wasn't normal.

I called my midwife, and after they assessed my symptoms they suggested that i come into urgent care. I was still being stubborn so i asked if there was anything i could try first. They told me to eat a few bites of food and drink some ginger ale, and if i couldn't go an hour without holding it down then i needed to come in. I ate 2 tiny pretzels and drank a little ginger ale and went back to work. Not even 20 mins later i was making a b-line for the rest room. This time it was so painful that i started crying and knew i needed to call my husband to pick me up.

While i was waiting for him, i could feel myself start to pass out. I had laid my head down on a desk and felt my vision go dark, but i could still hear everything around me. (i am very lucky to have such great co-workers that take care of me). Surprisingly when this was happening i didn't freak out, its happened before i and i know to just wait until my vision returns. I got sick 3 more times waiting for my husband to drive the 25 minute commute from our house to my job.

When he picked me up we tried to figure out where the best place for me was to go. We could go to the local ER that is only 10 mins away, or we could go to urgent care which was a much longer drive. In the end i decided to go where all my Dr's were, and my decision was confirmed during our drive when my midwife called and made sure i was getting help.

When we walked in there was a line out the door and i got a little worried. Luckily there was someone directing traffic and told us that we can go to the shorter line for UC. The wait is usually an hour but i didn't even sit down before they called me in. I was taken to an exam room where a very nice nurse took all my vitals, and asked me all my symptoms. The poor guy didn't know i was pregnant though, so when i mentioned that i was 12.5 weeks he was grateful because he said he "would have looked like a huge idiot" when he got the doctor and left that part out. He was very nice and made us laugh a lot, which caused me to need to run to the restroom again to be sick. This time it was just foam, not even yellow.

When the Dr came in she checked my throat and was immediately concerned. She said my throat looked like sand paper, which is a telltale sign of dehydration. She recommended that i get hooked up to an IV and she wanted to run some tests. First though, she wanted to check on the baby's heartbeat. Now, my poor husband is so busy that he has missed every appointment that they check on the baby. He still hasn't seen it on the screen, and he hasn't heard the heart beat. So both of us got excited that she was going to use a Doppler (which is only auditory not visual). We both waited, and although this Dr was very nice, she was very spastic when it came to working the Doppler and couldn't find it. I felt really bad for my husband, but we couldn't spend all day trying to find it. She said it was too early (even though i heard it at my 11wk apt- i think she just didn't know what she was doing).

I was taken to a room called 'the observation room' that looked like a hospital. It had a bunch of beds in it but we were the only ones there. My hubby was even excited because he got a comfy chair- its the small victories ha ha. They asked me for a urine sample but since i hadn't gone since 5:30am -it was probably 2 at this point- i wasn't sure i could. I was successful but it barely covered the bottom of the small container they gave me. At least it was something- another small victory!

My nurse was fantastic, i have had an IV put in at the ER  and it hurt so freaking bad, and the bag hardly drained. This time, i honestly didn't even feel it, or when she was taking blood. She was very sweet and kept me company while my hubbs got some food in the cafeteria. Then there was a shift change and they gave me a new, equally awesome nurse. I texted my mom, because she was waiting on me to call her anyway and i didn't want her to worry. Her reply back was surprising "what room are you in?". My entire family goes to the same practice that i do, and my mom is a medical marvel (worthy of another post later) and it actually wouldn't be the strangest thing in the world if she was in the next building.

Turns out she was at target which is a few doors down so she came and sat with us while the IV dripped. The nurse kept coming in to check the IV and was surprised each time how fast my body was absorbing it. I started to feel better, until i tried to turn over. I felt a huge wave of nausea hit and my stomach felt rock hard. I turned onto my back again and instantly felt better. I let the nurse know, so before she let me do anything she had me drink 2 cups of powerade and had me walk with her around the halls. She thought it was strange that i still didn't need to pee even after the entire IV bag had drained into me.

I went back to my bed and the Dr came in with my results. She said that it was good that i came in when i did because my levels were severely low. We were still waiting on my potassium levels to come back from the lab, so i stayed put. It was kind of strange to hear there actually was something wrong with me. I know that must sound strange after the spots, vomiting and passing out, but i always just assume I'm fine. All i could think about while i was there was 'this needs to be the only one, that was too scary' but what i voiced to everyone was "this kid is getting a mullet for this!" I'm not very good at voicing my true concerns, especially with an audience, so i played it off like i was joking around, but really i was terrified.

Eventually the nurse came back to tell us that my potassium level was at the low end of normal, so if i had waited to come in like i wanted to, my potassium would have dropped to a dangerous level for the baby. She prescribed bananas as long as i was still feeling OK. I really wanted to leave so i said i was good. My mom decided to finish her errands and my husband decided to follow through with the bananas and took me to Jamba Juice. Once is started drinking it, and realized that it wasn't going to come back up i started to feel- AMAZING. lol

I felt like Ive never been sick in my entire life. It was like everything i had felt the last 24hours was a bad dream, and i couldn't imagine feeling bad again. I even had a BM, which for most pregnant women is not a pleasant experience from all the iron in prenatal vitamins and anti nausea meds. It had been 3 days, and this is the first time in a month that it wasn't painful. My IV high lasted a few hours, but then i got a head ache (from not having any nutrients in me). After everything i had gone through, i would take a head ache. I wish i had known how good i would feel after getting an IV, because i would have rushed my ass in much, much earlier.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good, i still have a head ache. The Dr told me to get as much bed rest as possible today and tomorrow, so i am being pampered by my parents in my hometown, thankful that if i have to do this anywhere, at least its here with them. The only thing that would make it better is if my husband didn't have to work and could be here too. I'm thankful for the people that i work with for being so understanding and amazing. the nurses that work at UC, and that my baby is healthy. I wont take my symptoms lightly in the future, that lesson i have learned.

Dear Santa

Since you gave me my Christmas wish early this year, i thought i would write a new list of things to wish for.

1. Take Amy Grant's 'Grown Up Christmas List' and pretend its me singing
2. Take away my craving for beer... its seriously unfair!
3. Continue to bless our baby... i hope Muffin is healthy and happy in there- i know this isn't really your domain, but i thought I'd add it anyway...
4. Make the crazy kids that play outside until 10pm have an earlier bedtime I'm pretty sure they are on your Naughty List
5. Can you send me some inspiration? My already minuscule writing and painting skills are quickly becoming extinct. Can you package inspiration because i would really appreciate it.
6. Bring me and Lili an extra large bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos, i cant get enough of those things!
7. Please don't let me ever get tired of Christmas Music and sitting next to a lit tree- I'm pretty sure you have control over that
8. Snow... even if its some frost on my car or in a snow cone, i think no holiday season should pass without some fluffy goodness!
9. Can you please add a house to the top of our list? You did it for that kid in Miracle on 34th Street and i have been good for YEARS now- i want to cash in! Plus, it would keep all of our sentences from starting with "When we finally have a house"
10. Replace all the showings on TV of 'A Christmas Story' (BARF!) with showings of Elf

Oh.. and a Kinect would be nice too!

Yours truly,
Christmas Should Be All Year Rounds fan club president

Attempting a Brain Clense...

Yesterday was the first day in a very long time (approximately 2 months) that i didn't feel sick for the majority of the day. Today i am feeling good too... so i thought, hey, why not try to get some writing done? Unfortunately, i spent a lot of time just staring at a computer with nothing ready to be put on paper (so to speak). I had thought my writers block was from me being sick all the time, that my brain couldn't possibly focus on anything else. Now however, i don't have that barrier, and still nothing...

I have a lot of things on my mind:
1. baby names
2. weight gain/loss
3. how not to be annoying and always talk about my pregnancy even though its the only thing on my mind
4. sex... sorry family... just being honest
5. annoyances that i cant actually write about- or i could but never let anyone read it, which to me is the exact same thing as just keeping it to myself... which seems like a frustrating endless cycle...
6. work
7. ways to avoid offending people when they are shoving another useless piece of baby info down my throat
8. our impending move back to the bay area and the longer list of concerns regarding that
9. food food food food food... i cant tell you how much pleasure it brings now that i don't have to stress about what it will be like coming back up
10. new ways to paint my nails (that's the only fun one)
11. i want to help people... i need to figure out how
12. cleaning and how much i hate it
13. finding time to decorate for xmas because i know that will improve mood instantly

However, most of these things would be boring for anyone but me to read about... so where do i start? I tried to work on my book, but i find that i spend more time re-reading and re-editing than i do actually writing new material. I have other ideas for books, but i am not sure bouncing back and forth between the 3 is the best way to actually finish any of them...

I was hoping that by getting all the nonsense out of my brain i would have a moment of clarity... that is just not the case today. I have the next 2 days off i and i think i should spend them painting and writing and maybe I'll strike inspiration... i think its best i end this post though, i am even boring myself!

There's a Taylor Swift song for that...

Lots of people like to make fun of me for my complete devotion to Taylor Swift. I can't help it, i just love her. I love her songs, and the way her lyrics are so personal to her but seem to speak to millions of people. I know they speak to me, in fact, when i started writing a book i seriously considered naming it "There's a Taylor Swift Song For That". Instead, i am calling it 'The Boyfriend Book'. Now don't go stealing the awesome name i came up with! I totally own it ;)

The book is a humorous look at all the different types of men (and believe me BOYS) i have met, dated, missed out on, and everything in between. I wanted to be like Taylor, and let my experiences speak to someone else. Some of them good, most of them bad, and then the final chapter about my Prince Charming to give girls like me hope. I have talked about my past, how i refused to let people in, and it was lonely. I did however search for help in music and in books. I started writing it in hopes that even if one person read it and got what i was trying to say, then i did a good job.

Here is an example: a boy that is right for me in all the best ways, but I crave the boy that's bad for me in all the same ways? "The way I Loved You", the time i 'misplaced' my... flower... "Fifteen", the way i felt when i figured out that Kevin was the one? "Mine", when I first meet a guy and cant wait for that first text or phone call "Sparks Fly", an ex that knows exactly what to say to me to crumble me? "Mean", the way it felt when i walked away from someone and it almost killed me? "Last Kiss, Haunted,Your Not Sorry", The crush that unknowingly made me feel like i wasn't good enough? "Invisible"... i really could go on forever, but i think you get the idea.

I've been working on it for over 2 years and keep getting stuck. It is very easy to write the funny stories, and its even easier to express how some of these guys (especially the ones i didn't actually date) influenced me and helped me be a better person. The 2 i am stuck on, are really hard to write. One of them is hard to express because its a perfect balance of bliss and misery and it lasted many years. Its hard to express how i feel about a lot of things that happened. I keep trying to find the words to express how he helped me, and how pieces of me were shattered in the process.

The other one that is hard to write- now don't laugh- its because its a whole lot harder to write about complete and utter happiness. It is unfairly easy to write about all the break ups and heart aches. I even tried to write a simple blog post about how my 11-11-11 11:11 wish was for my husband to know how much i appreciate him... i got maybe 2 sentences after staring at the computer for an hour and gave up.

Its hard too, because i have a pipe dream to publish it someday, but i would never want to offend any of the guys in it. I have come up with quirky cute nick names to protect their identity- the last thing i want is to offend anyone, and unless you are me or that person i don't think you would figure it out. I want to do each person  justice. I want to make sure i get it right, that i take responsibility in each story for the things that went wrong (because really all the credit is to Kevin for the one success story). Each story is important because it leads up to who i am, and I'm not out to bash any of them (no matter who may deserve it) and they all lead into what i have now with my hubby... we wouldn't be the same couple if we didn't have our pasts, and its bittersweet to feel grateful to all of them.

A disclaimer, if i dated you, your probably in the book.I hope you can trust that i wrote the truth as close as i can remember it, so if by some miracle sometime in the future it does get published, i hope you can appreciate my perspective on things. Its scary too, to admit how much some people meant to me, so for that part I'm excited for them to read it and see the truth i kept to myself. On the other hand, maybe no one will ever read it, and i can just do this for myself, since that's how it all started out anyway.

I'm not going to lie, its also completely terrifying!

Forcefeeding

I have always been a fairly independent thinker. I can say with 100% honesty that has not always been the case. When i was younger i obsessed about that other people thought so most of the time i didn't voice my opinion, even if i was offended by someone Else's. I thought it was easier to keep the peace and keep it to myself, while making a mental note not to bring up that subject again.

When i met my husband, all that changed. He actually encouraged me to say what i thought, and because i wanted to please him i would tell him that i really thought and then cringe while i waited for his response. People joke all the time that men are predictable, and my husband is no exception. I didn't know what to expect from him, but i was surprised to find that he has always valued my opinion, even if it is different than his. Luckily, our opinions don't differ much, so it feels good to finally have that freedom to say what i think or what I'm going through and know that he will always understand. The amount of people i have found with this ability, are fewer than i can count on my hand, but when i find them i don't ever let them go. There is nothing more valuable to me in a friendship than this quality. I think that's why i believe with all my heart that my husband, is my absolute best friend in the entire world.

Now we move on to everyone else. I noticed it when i was getting married that everyone wanted to give me their opinion, and lets face it, i didn't want it. I am a girl yes, but i am also an event planner by trade so i had my wedding pretty much planned out from the moment i figured out Kevin and i were playing for keeps. I didn't want help, i just wanted it done the way we had planned for it. I learned a lot of ways to get out of these types of conversations where i would be force fed and told what i supposedly 'wanted'.

I am finding out more and more now that i am expecting our first child, that people are even MORE aggressive with the information they want to shove down your throat. It is harder to evade these people because i find myself cornered most of the time, and find that its easier to just agree with them so they leave me alone. I don't know if its because its my first baby, or if people will be like this forever, but its driving me absolutely crazy- and with my hormones already out of whack I'm finding it harder and harder not to verbally bitch slap these people that only want to tell me the horrible things that could happen to me. I was talking to my mother in law about this over dinner last night and she helped me figure it out: it is plain and simple: it doesn't help to hear these things, especially if I'm not at the place where it matters to hear it yet.

I don't want your advise, unless i ask for it. I am a first time mom, I'm sure i will have questions, but can you please wait until I'm ready to know? I have found great help from the people i feel comfortable asking questions to. However, hearing about how horrible this and that can be from people i didn't ask... let me tell you a secret: your only making yourself feel better by 'letting me know', your NOT helping! I am getting more and more afraid, that this will only get worse when i actually have the baby and everyone is going to tell me how to raise it, discipline it, feed it ect. I don't go into anything unprepared, and i definitely wont go into being a mom without doing as much research as i can and with my husband and i making our OWN decisions about it. It just simply won't happen.

I find it strange too, the amount of people who think they're entitled to know every detail that is going on with my body. I don't want to talk to you about my BM's... i don't want to talk to you about my birth plan, (because you'll only try to 1. tell me I'm crazy or 2. force what you did on me). If i offer things up then fine, lets talk about it but lets get one thing clear: i DO NOT want to be force fed your horror story! I think the other thing that is baffling to me is the amount of people who think they should be with me when the baby is coming, or who think they are entitled to a phone call when i go into delivery. Seriously!? I cant apologize for the fact that i will have BETTER THINGS GOING ON then remember to shoot you a text with 'im in labor ;)'. The only person that is going to be with me and my child is my husband, our parents will get the calls that its going on but that's it... they can call whoever they want, but if anyone thinks they are going to get in on my lady business is just outright crazy!!!

I think we've been over this before, if its not my idea... I'm usually not into it. Granted the only other opinion in this world i truly care about is my husbands and we are on the same page. There is no way he is letting anyone in the delivery room, letting anyone talk to me about all the things that can go wrong (because he is the one stuck calming me down) and he doesn't care what anyone Else's opinion is. Its ours. The baby, is OURS, and what we do with it is up to us, so here is our message to the universe: back the heck off already! geepers!!!!

OK, rantings of a hormonal pregnant woman are over. PS if you see the lady that pissed me off at the gas station still standing there with her jaw dropped, tell her i said hi.

Have an fantastic non-force fed day!

A Letter from Mommy...

I wanted to share something that i wrote before we got the go-ahead from our doctor. A friend of mine told me that she writes in a journal to her kid about all the things she does and plans to give it to her later on. I thought it was an incredible idea, so i started one of my own...what kid doesnt want to know how much they were wanted? This is the first entry in that journal.

8/6/11

Dear baby,
This might be strange for you to read one day, but i know that i would have loved to know what was going on in my parents heads while they were raising me. The part you might find strange is that you dont even exist yet. At this point in mine and daddys marriage, we are in the planning stages of our family.

We dont know when God will grace you-and us- in our lives. We just know that we want you SO badly. We are young and excited to begin our family. Daddy and i have only been married a short time, but we have known each other since we were 5 years old in kindergarten. (i then explain our story which many of you are tired of hearing so i will skip ahead)

He is a very good man, your daddy. I hope that you get to love and appreciate him the way i do. I also hope he is still the one cooking many years from now so you get to experience that part of him too! (if i am still fat when you read this- his cooking is at fault).

I have so many hopes and dreams for you little future baby. I cant wait for the first time i feel you kick in my belly, and for the first moment we meet. I am already in love and you havent even been conceived yet. (I'll give you a moment to gag).

Here is a list of the things i hope you get to experience or have in your lifetime, and i hope i am around to cheer you on.

1. A kind heart just like your daddy. I hope we have been able to follow through in showing you what its like to love unconditionally. To accept all that you meet for who they are and that you are able to see all the good around you. I hope you are able to laugh at life and not take things as seriously as i do.

2. I hope we have passed onto you some from of artistic expression. I never want you to feel like you cant express who you are, and i pray that you are blessed with a gift that allows you to share it with others. I want you to know baby, that no matter who you turn out to be, who you love, what you stand for- we will always love you, and respect you, and support you. You may not feel that we do sometime in your life, but one day when you become a parent (if you choose to) you will understand all that goes into being a parent. I know we will make mistakes as your parents, but you have to know that every decision we will make will come from a place of love and only wanting the best for you.

3. i hope you fall in love many times. I hope that you are able to grow and learn each time. I hope the first time your heart is broken that i am able to be your support. When i was a teenager all i wanted was someone to be there for me, but i wouldnt allow myself to let down any walls, and it only made things harder. I hope if i can do anything for you, that you would let in and allow me to do for you what no one could do for me. I hope you take your time to find the one, many people are in such a hurry to experience life, that they miss the little things around them.

4. I hope for your happiness- daddy and i will do what we can to help, but true happiness comes from within. This is a lesson that is hard for a lot of people to learn. They think that if they can have the best or most of something it will make them happy. Some people spend their time making others sad so they dont have to see what is going on inside themselves. I hope we teach you confidence and the skills to help you when the confidence waivers. I hope you see the beauty in the world around you.

5. Daddy wont agree with this one, but i hope you read everything you can get your hands on. My dad read to me every night- not just kids books but he read to me about the greek gods, the pyramids, giants, princesses and even mythology. I loved those moments and i hope to have them with you. I am very proud of my vocabulary and i know reading everything i could helped. If you are lucky enough to get daddys memory and my love of reading (and writing as it turns out) you could really do anything. If not, well thats ok too.

6. Family is so important. Daddy was lucky, he grew up with all his cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents all around him. All of my family is spread throughout the country. This one is hard to control, because life can lead you anywhere, but i hope we are able to give you an experience more like your daddys- with family surrounding you. Its ok to do things the way i did too- i made my own family in the incredible friends i had around me. Good friends are hard to find baby, so when you find them, hold onto them.

7. It occurred to me today that i dont want you to be like me. I am impatient (which should be obvious as i am writing to the future) and i am stubborn. I have a bad temper too, which is really only good for getting me into trouble. The biggest thing about me that i hope you dont get, is fear. I have spent most of my life feeling like i was meant for something special, that i was meant to do more in my life- but i have also spent most of my life being too scared to find out if that is true.

I am good at a lot of things, I like to think i am pretty good at writing too. I dont ever share these things with daddy because i am too scared. i have made mistakes in my past that i have ended up being thankful for, but i am consumed by what other people will do or think if i were ever to put myself out there.
I pray baby, that you arent like me. I hope you are able to share who you are with no reservations. I hope when you find the things your good at, the things that make you special, you are able to put it out there and just let it be. Just being doesnt happen as much as it should, but i hope for you, that it does.

I love you without knowing you,
Mommy

FAQ about our Muffin

Just in case you didnt get the memo, my husband and i announced with our Halloween costumes that we are expecting a wee one. Here is a photo:

I have purposefully not brought up babies or having a family at all on this blog since i last wrote about it... i didnt want to jinx anything. If you need a refresher you can visit the post here i also promised my friends that my fb wouldnt turn into baby this, baby that. So i am hoping to answer everyones questions here so that i can continue to have some baby free time too- ya know, soak up that last bit of independance before someone is always with me when i need to pee....

Now for the FAQ:
-just a side note, these are the questions i have gotten non stop since we announced it to our family weeks ago and only magnified since we came out on Saturday...

1.What changed your mind? I thought you were still wresting with the decision to start a family or not. What about all the stuff about keeping your independance?
The answer may be disappointing, but i lied. I wrote about it in a previous post, that i had so many struggles when it came to my ovaries that the outlook for kids wasnt so good at first. I was trying to convince myself that i didnt need kids to feel like i had a valid family. That is still true, Kevin could be enough if thats what it came down to. He is more than enough, but when you are given very specific instructions by one of the country's best fertility doctors with the promise that it would work- well, how could i pass that up? It also happened to be perfect timing, the baby is due in June and Kevin graduates from school in May and we can move home and be around our family while we learn the ropes of being new parents. Also, my husband who is a chronic worrier, had a smile on his face when i told him- that pretty much did me in.

2. When did you find out?
I pretty much knew right away because i did a TON of research. We got the 'go ahead' if you will from the Dr with the date that just happened to be the 6 month anniversary of our wedding, so we decided to make it a romantic evening with dinner and a movie at home with lots of candles. The logic was more for me, that even if it didnt happen, i had a wonderful night to remember. I had some cramping right at the 2 week mark and took an early test on October 5th that came back negative. I knew that the odds of an early test were slim so i waited 2 more days and took another test on October 7th that confirmed everything.

3. How did you tell Kevin?
It was really early in the morning on October 7th, Kevin was still in bed sleeping when i snuck off to do the test. My thought behind this was a just in case thing, if i wasnt then i could have some time to cry and compose myself before waking him up. Luckily it was a huge yes so naturally i ran into the room and jumped on him and thrust my (sanatized- come on now people i hate germs!) test into his face. It took a minute before he realized what i was so excited about and we layed in bed most of the morning cuddling my little test and talking about how our lives were changed forever.

4. How are you feeling?
The short answer: like crap. On the day i turned exactally 6 weeks i started getting sick. I think its a cruel thing to call it morning sickness since its all day every day. I would much rather get sick once every morning than 20 times a day. I have gotten a LOT of advise and help from my doctor for this, but its still persistant. I'm just praying that it doesnt last the entire 9 months like i've heard that it can. I am literally counting down the days until my 2nd trimester and i can enjoy this miracle a little more.

5. When are you due/How far along are you?
I am due 6/13/12 but we all know that babies come when they are ready... I will be 8 weeks tomorrow. Right now the baby is the size of a blueberry and it looks like this:

(thats the heart beat under along the bottom) i got to hear it on my last visit. The feeling is indescribable, i will get back to you if i ever figure out how to talk about it) the baby is developing its harms and legs, and i got to see its tiny heart beating.
6. What does being pregnant feel like?
Well right now it kind of feels like im being punished. I know thats a strange answer, but I am not showing yet and there is all this stuff i cant do or have: fish, deli meat, alcohol, exercize, swim... the list goes on and on. I am sure there are people out there who argue that our parents were just fine, but i could potentially turn into a high risk pregnancy, so i am taking extra precautions until my 2nd trimester and doing exactally as i am told. So, its kind of like being grounded from all the things i love, but its completly and totally worth it.

7. When do you get to find out the sex of the baby?
This is the question i dread, because the answer is 6/13/12. We have decided not to find out until the baby is born. Everyone is telling us that we are crazy, telling us how impossible it is to have a baby shower without knowing, and then they place bets on when we will crack. If we do, we probably wouldnt advertise it anyway, this is one thing that i think is pretty sacred- we created this life and we are *mushy alert!* SO incredably grateful, that we honestly dont care if its a boy or a girl. I am horrible at keeping secrets and super impatient, so i am going to keep riding this feeling as long as i can, if it does eventually drive me nuts, i will find out. For now however, not knowing is even more excited. (Psst... we decided to go with an animal theme so all 'baby colors' are included and its takes away from gender specific roles)

8. What is all this 'muffin' business?
It shouldnt come to a surprise for those of you that know me, that i had already planned out how we were going to announce our pregnancy even before i became pregnant. I had the oven and baker idea ready to go and we had talked about waiting to find out the sex before conception as well. We decided that 'bun' was too boring, and 'cupcake' was a little on the girly side. I also didnt like the typical names 'bean, button, little one, ect. It also happened that we knew it would be the size of a poppy seed when we got the positive results... so we called it our 'poppy seed muffin' so we could talk about it in code without letting anyone in. Now, its the size of a blueberry so its a 'blueberry muffin' and it will continue to evolve... even when its a 'cantelope muffin' we will stick with it because it makes our day just to say it outloud.

I hope that answers everyones questions, i would like to say on behalf of my husband and i that we are just so... crazy excited, its hard to contain. Now that the cat is out of the bag we just cant wait for our muffin to be here. Thank you to all of our family and friends who have been so supportive, it means the world to us, and it feels amazing to bring a new life into a world surrounded by love.

All or Nothing

I am one of those people that are all or nothing, there really isn't an 'in between' mode. When i was a kid there were my friends and there were people who told me they 'hated' me. I didn't really get but it kept continuing through Jr High, High School and as an adult people don't declare they hate me, but its obvious that when you meet me you either love me or hate me. I have come to realize too that most of the people i meet are not worth my time. I am told that isn't a favorable quality of mine, but i just don't understand wasting time on people that i can tell right away aren't worth it.

However, when i meet someone and love them right away i am instantly supportive, available and kind. When i care about you, i care about you with all i have. I don't put levels on my friendships, i don't weigh who means more to me and why. Other people have a problem with this- i also don't understand why. Why is it important to assign levels to your friendships? I also don't feel like friendships should be at a constant weight and measure. If I have a problem with something, i voice it. If someone has a problem with me i expect them to tell me so we can fix it. One thing i am always open to is becoming a better person and friend, so i cant stand it when people expect me to just know what they are upset about.

In the last year or so, i decided to be more honest with myself and with my feelings towards other people. I have written heart felt honest messages to 4 people and I've gotten mixed reviews. From 2 people i have grown and built on previously bad relationships into good friendships. From 2 i got an explosive crazy reaction back- basically telling me to go f*** myself. Now all 4 letters were basically the same, i am told I'm good with my words so that's what i relied on as my vessel- but yet the reactions are 50/50.

I'm not one of those people who think 'oh it must be them, not me' i try to look at myself and see how i could have been better, how i can improve and how to grow in my communication skills. Its hard too, when at 25 I'm realizing that most of the friendships and people i met when i was younger have been some of the greatest people to be in my life. In the last 2 years I've probably reconnected with 80% of these people and been so happy and grateful. I just wish that the people I've met in my adult life could measure up, because all I've been met with (for the most part- of course there were a few gems here and there) are people that have disappointed me in one way or another- and i can take A LOT more than other people can in that department. Then i come back to my theory of not wasting time, i guess its OK with me if that sounds harsh, but i don't understand why anyone would want to waste a moment of their precious life being unhappy or disappointed. All or Nothing is a great philosophy in my opinion.

The moral of the story, you CAN go home again, especially if the people that make you feel at home are willing to let you.

Thankful

Its been a while since i have posted, i have been incredibly busy (i really know no other speed) but thankfully haven't had much to gripe about in the last few weeks. I am trying this new thing, where i go with the flow, and i have been very happy with the results. I have always known i was blessed in my life, even when times are hard, but here are a few things i have been thankful for lately..

I recently went on my first road trip with my BFF. The only road trips i had been on in the past are with my husband and family, so this is a new thing for me. I loved every second of it! The old me would have been obsessed with music, how many miles we were making per hour, the perfect road trip outfit, snacks and our itinerary when we got there. I am very glad to say that i didn't think about any of these things, and the 6 1/2 hour drive to the desert went by in a flash.

There is something you should know about my best friend, she is amazing. She has the biggest heart I've ever known, is always up for a good time, and her laugh is infectious. She has such a great attitude, and when she doesn't, its always a valid conversation about life. She has insight on the important things, and most of the time she doesn't even realize how brilliant she is, its adorable and part of her sweetheart charm and a big reason i love her so much.

The friend we were visiting is equally amazing. I've been friends with her since i was in high school, and while she likes to joke about how she graduated high school the same year i was born, she has never thrown her age in my face. She always made me feel important even when i was a silly teenager. She has a heart of gold, that will ultimately melt your soul the more you get to know her. She has so much wisdom but isn't forceful when it comes to offering life advice. She loves with no exceptions, and i have always felt lucky to have her to talk to.

My husband... i think people get tired of hearing how wonderful he is, but that doesn't mean i will ever stop talking about it. He has been going to school and work 7 days a week since August... literally having something to do every single day of the week with no days off and he hasn't complained once. I am completely impressed by the way he has been acting like a man, doing things that i know must suck for him, but hes doing it for our future. He has always been the one to think logically when it came to my grand plans about our future. I know if it was me in his shoes (and it was for a long time) i would do nothing but complain.

He can be so strong when it counts and it always takes me by surprise. I don't know why i am surprised each time, because he is always consistent in this way. He has been my rock since we started dating over 6 years ago. He is the one i go to when I'm unsure, scared, or just want to talk things out and he knows exactly what to say or do to make it better. I honestly don't know how i would function without him. Some women, when i talk about him, talk down to me for depending on him so much.

I personally don't see anything wrong with depending on your partner, if you cant lean on someone, why did you pick them as your partner? Isn't that what a partner is for- to be your other half, the one that completes you, the one you can laugh and cry with and not worry it changes their view on you? I am the same for him, so why is depending on someone usually met with annoying comments? I usually have to defend how much time we spend together too, but i usually just remind people that i actually like my husband and spending time with him. I have come to realize the people who don't understand are usually just trying to project their issues onto me.

What it all comes down to, is that i am incredibly thankful for my husband and the quality of friends i have in my life.

PCO-No!

In August i was hospitalized for severe pain in my stomach. I was stuck at work, with no one in town to relieve me so i could go to the doctor. Instead i hid in the office and cried until my husband came. He convinced me to call the other sup (who had already worked that morning) and beg her to come in. I fought it for a while, thinking i could deal with it but it only got worse. I called my Dr's office and because it was on my right side they were convinced that it was my appendix. I am not a medically inclined person, but i know you don't mess around with the appendix and i had never in my life felt this kind of pain. Every breath, every step... everything hurt.

When we finally got to the hospital and after many tests and many hours they deduced that it was one of my usual cysts on my ovaries that burst, my MRI showed fluid surrounding it, and since the pain was going away as time passed they let me go home with a recommendation to see a specialist for a diagnosis.
Are you ready for this? Can i have a drum roll please???? I do NOT have PCOS! Do i have Poly cystic Ovaries? Yes, but strangely no Syndrome. What is the difference? I have no freaking clue, I'm just going by what my Dr told me. I shopped around before I picked him, and he is supposed to be one of the best fertility doctors in California. At the time i wasn't sure if i needed the 'best in the biz' but i wanted to make sure i went to someone who could answer my questions, ALL of them, and since I am a chronic worrier i had a lot of them....

He addressed my concerns about how my ovulation schedule is not reoccurring. He told me that i probably missed it the last few months, now this i had a hard time believing because i am a by the book girl. I like rules, i go by the rules, and i followed the instructions exactly.... no ovulating (until last month that is.) However, he was very adamant that i can still ovulate... "How are you so sure?" i demanded. Keep in mind i was in the usual position for this kind of visit and in a full on hospital gown- not the most assertive outfit or situation- but when has that ever stopped me?

"Well," he said "because your going to ovulate on -insert very specific and upcoming dates here- and if you try i can almost guarantee you get pregnant," and then he looked over and smiled at my mom like it was no big deal. Of course my mom joked about quarantining off a room for us. I couldn't believe it, not just because he was super blunt but FAMILY COVER YOUR EYES my husband and i have lots of alone time and while we haven't been actively 'trying' we haven't been actively 'preventing' either. So if i was ovulating regularly then why haven't i turned up knocked up yet?

Then while he was doing an ultrasound he did that annoying Dr noise that immediately tells you something is up, but he wasn't giving it away yet. I waited patiently (about 30 seconds) and then demanded- again- that he tell me what was going on. He finally told me that my right ovary was attached to my uterus. (Which explained why it hurt so bad the last time a cyst burst- but doesn't explain why the hospital didn't see it in the many different forms of ultrasounds they gave me). A million questions came rushing into my head. What does that mean, do i need surgery, is this going to complicate things for us in the future? He didn't seem worried, which only made me more worried... he told me that it could easily become detached... if i soon became pregnant. I would eventually need surgery if they didn't separate on their own, but the fastest way would be to enlarge the uterus. Here i was with a problem, and some very specific dates (and even times of the day) to fix it without surgery.

I'm sure you're wondering what we decided to do... did we try or did we book my surgery? Well, i guess the only thing to say is the truth: People make plans, and God laughs.

Confessions of an Ovulator

I have a confession to make, and to most of you it wont be such a huge surprise. I completely and fully want to have children with the love of my life that is my husband. For those who know me, this next part wont be a surprise either: things i do need to be my idea. The more people tell me that we should start having kids i felt the need to defend our situation. The hard part of that situation, the part i don't talk about is that our situation hasn't been by choice up to this point.

I still haven't been diagnosed with PCOS- i have all the symptoms, and even though i reflect some signs of chronic ovarian cysts and hormone imbalance i am pretty confident that i have PCOS but i have to wait until the same day i get my wisdom teeth removed to find out (it was the only appointment he had- I'm not really into that kind of torture on a normal basis)

You may be wondering why i haven't made advances in getting diagnosed and the short answer is: i haven't ovulated in months. It could even have been longer than that but i have only been tracking it the last few months. I ovulated for the first time last month- and it was very hard for me not to act on it right then and there. I got so excited and even though it was against the plan Kevin and i have talked about, i felt like my heart was breaking when those 36hours passed. I just couldn't stop thinking- "what if i don't ovulate again?" I had been waiting so long to even find out if i could and i was letting it pass me by, and the Aries in me is not so good at waiting.

The other part that is frustrating is that everyone thinks they get to weigh in on this subject. This our OUR life, and OUR decision, and OUR relationship. I appreciate that people care about us, but telling us to wait (we've been together going on 7 years and we've known each other since we were 5-- i think we know who the other one is!) it makes me want to defend our 'decision' which sucked because it wasn't really want i wanted- but i wasn't about to tell anyone that when they were in the middle of telling me how to live my life. Then, when people tell us to hurry up i feel like i have to defend that too- i understand that i am a walking contradiction, i wish i could make sense of me too!

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that i ovulated, and i think that is something worth celebrating. The fact that we now have a possibility (even if it was just last month- but keep your fingers crossed!) gave me all new perspective and the courage to talk about this struggle I've been dealing with all on my own. Its really scary, feeling like your life isn't in your own hands and obviously i wasn't up to talking about it in the past- but if there is anyone out there who has gone through this i would really like to know there is hope out there...

the Secret Life of the Bookworm

I love to read, i have ever since i was a little girl. My dad and i would cuddle and he would read to me until i was old enough to read to him. I still remember the first book we ever read together: BFG by Roald Dahl. I remember being impressed with myself every time i was able to read one of his crazy made up words, and the smile my dad would get on his face when i would read a difficult word without having to sound it out.

In Jr High and High School i would hide the fact that i would carry around books, and i didn't tell people, but i LOVED that my high school had a mandatory reading period. Other kids would groan every single day, and i would join in, but have my book in my hand ready to go before the bell rang. Sometimes when i didn't feel like going out with my friends, i would tell them i was too busy with homework, or that my parents were 'making' me stay in and i would hide out in my room with snacks and read for hours. I get frustrated on the stretches where i have to work back to back shifts because my only opportunity to read is during my never long enough lunch breaks, or leave my husband in the living room to snuggle with our animals and read a few hours before we have to go to bed.

Its a bittersweet thing that the books stores are closing all around us. I was very happy to still have a Borders close to where i work, and even though i have a kindle (and i love it probably more than i should) i would sometimes walk around on my lunch breaks and just be around the books. I know that probably sounds strange, but its something i must have gotten from my dad. There is a little thrill that comes from perusing the different sections and the treasure hunt of a new book. My favorite experiences doing this have always been when i was travelling and came across a little ma and pa shop, i think it has to due with the atmosphere. Does anyone understand what I'm describing or do i sound like a total loser?

Early on in our relationship (back when he did stuff because he was still trying ha ha) we would lie together and read aloud to one another. The funny part of this story was that it was the first Harry Potter (if that tells you how long ago this was) but he was never really into it, he just did it to make me happy. Now, i carry books (or my kindle) around with me everywhere i go because you never know when you are going to get a chance to read. I am still made fun of for our trip to Chicago when everyone was in awe of the buildings around us and the city... and this is what i was doing...

I am not embarrassed to say i was reading Twilight for the first time (all the books had already been published- i usually think I'm not going to like something if everyone is obsessed with it but my little sister Lili dared me to read the first book on the plane and i spent the rest of my trip tracking down the other 3 in various Walmarts haha)

I don't know why i am obsessed with reading books that are movies, but it is one of those things i almost cant stop myself from doing. As soon as i see a preview for a movie that was based on a book i am all consumed in finding that book and reading it before the movie comes out. Most of the time i think it makes watching the movie or tv show better, (like Twilight, Harry Potter, Pretty Little Liars, Dear John, Revolutionary Road, and I'm sure i will be adding the Help to that list once i see it). There have only been a few times where i have been disappointed, but i was also disappointed with the book so it was no surprise (i am referring to the Lovely Bones which got all this attention, and in my opinion sucked!)

I am also obsessed with books written by celebrities. Its a known quirk of mine that i love celebrities and am all knowing of their lives. They also tend to be really great writers. Some that surprised me and turned out to be some of my favorites are Chelsey Handler, Rob Lowe, Tina Fey, Lauren Conrad, and Lucielle Ball - just to name a few.

To conclude my all over the place taste in books (my iPod artists would reflect this as well) i also love the books that you wouldn't hear about on tv or in magazines, because you have to discover them yourself. The unknowns, as i like to refer to them. To list them would be pointless, since no one has heard of them lol but i have found some real gems by trusting the description on the back cover.

All this is a result of my latest visit to the going out of business Boarders near me. I picked up 6 books and paid less than $40 for them. I am happy my pocketbook is not empty, but i am sad that soon i wont have the option to explore the books, to feel them, smell them, and just get lost in the unknowns... What kind of books is everyone else into? What is it that you like to read?

Here is my 'que' of books if you will that i have scored from going to the closing sale every paycheck... its quite long and it doesn't include the multitude of books i have downloaded onto my kindle waiting to be read...

"The Wedding Girl" by Madeline Wickham (she is also known as Sophie Kinsella)
"Something Borrowed" and "Something Blue" by Emily Giffin
"My Booky Wook" by Russell Brand
"The Day I Shot Cupid" by Jennifer Love Hewitt
"The Suicide Index" by Joan Wickersham
"The No Asshole Rule" by Robert Sutton (to help me with my management skills)
"My Horizontal Life" by Chelsea Handler
"Mean Little Deaf Queer" by Terry Galloway
"The Private John Lennon" by Julia Baird (his sister)
"The Blind Side" by Michael Lewis (this is the only one i didn't wait until i saw the movie)
"One Day" by David Nicholls

I am also looking for the book that inspired 'i love you phillip morris' but i have been unsuccessful... At some point i need to finish the many books that i have started to write myself but get stuck and move on to the next. One day i suppose i will finish one and then maybe i will become an unknown ;)

Which one should i read first?

Two for the Money

Although i have no idea what that movie is about, i liked the title so i stole it for this post. I am hoping to gain some advice on what the best system is to manage our two lives (and dollars) coming into one.

Before we got married we had separate accounts and we were always pulling cash out to give to the other to balance our bills or outings. When we decided to move in together we started taking turns paying certain bills, and eventually fell into the regular routine of each of us taking care of the same bills and it all evened out perfectly.

When we got engaged we decided to open a joint savings account for the wedding, and we had automatic transfers from our separate account going into the savings account that we happily referred to as our fun money. Unfortunately, now that we live on our own we are transferring money in and out of that account almost daily, which apparently is a problem for our bank.

About a month ago, Kevin messed up big time with out of our bills, and it really screwed us over. I was absolutely and insanely mad about the whole situation, feeling like if i wanted it done right i should do it myself. However, i don't have the freaking time to do it myself, so i started to get upset that i couldn't count on my husband to take care of it when i already had so much on my plate. I spent about a week absolutely furious with him, and he spent that entire week trying to make it up to me. Of course he never meant to mess up, and these things happen, but at the time i just felt like i had had enough when it came to money and i was sick of talking about it.

Then i realized (after i was done being mad of course) that i don't want money to be a thing that i get upset about with my husband. I don't want it to be one of the things we fight about, and until that time, it had stayed out of the things we ever had to have conversations about. So, we are looking to change that. I want to get something straight, we are by no means 'rollin in dough' but we aren't scraping the bottom of the barrel (most of the time) we live somewhere in the middle, occasionally with a little extra and sometimes figuring out which bills will be paid late. So how do you manage it?

I have gotten the advice that we should just close our separate accounts and only have a joint- but we each spend a lot of time making sure our own accounts stay current that it kind of freaks me out to have 2 people spending from the same account at the same time. On the other hand, having to transfer back and forth is no way to manage successfully either...

So i put it out there to all of you, what is working for you and what isn't? Help a newlywed out ;)

To procreate or not to procreate...

If you have read the notes i sometimes post on my facebook, then you know that my opinion on expanding our family changes on a daily basis. Literally.

There are times when i watch my husband with the various children in our life, and i see the gentle and loving side of him come out, and it literally feels like my heart is melting in my chest. There is a different dynamic to my husband and i. If we were to have kids, we know that one of us would like to be able to stay home with them until they are ready for pre-school. That person would probably not be me.

I love kids, and i know that i would be over the moon for my own but i dont think i could survive every day at home. I am blown away by the many people who can, i admire them even. However, I need stimulation, i need to have adult conversations, i need to be on my own schedule. Kevin is the most patient one of us, and lets face it- he is more domestic than i am. We joke about him being a stay at home dad, but i think he secretly loves the idea. I'll admit now- i do too! I would love to be the one that goes out and makes the moolah and then comes home to enjoy my family while he takes some time to relax.

On the other hand, i was at Borders the other day reaping the benefits of their going out of business sale. I was perusing around and i went into one of my favorite sections (psychology) and there it was, a copy of the newest edition of What to Expect When You're Expecting and i started to have a mini panick attack. All these questions starting running though my head: What if i can never buy a hard copy book again? What if i can and its an arm and a leg to get? Isn't this the kind of book you need a physical copy of? How do you stick post-its with ideas and thoughts on a kindle? Wouldnt my color coding highlighting system be best for this book? And then i realized that i had started to sweat and i had to walk away from the book.

As soon as i was in the next isle i was able to calm down and start perusing again and before i knew it i had worked my way back over to that stupid book again. It felt like it was pulling me towards it, so me being the stubborn brat i can be just stood there staring at the book, trying to tell myself that i was being stupid. If i thought it was smart to buy this book (at 30% off mind you) then just buy it- why do i have to feel weird about it. I picked it up and instantly felt this calm settle over me. It was the strangest feeling, especially because i was in the middle of a busy going out of business sale and no one around me was any wiser to the mini drama i had just experienced.

When i got home and started showing Kevin all the books i got i immediatley felt like i had to justify it to him. My husband, he isnt so good at hiding his feelings so i was nervous to his reaction. To my relief, he thought it was cute and i only got an eye roll at my bit of crazy, instead of the lecture i thought i would get. It hit me then, that if this is something that we know we are going to eventually pursue, why do i have to feel strange about educating myself. Isnt that what your supposed to do if your going to take on a new challenge, or something you've never done before? Why do i feel the need to justify this to anyone- i can read about something that will one day be in our future, and its really no one else's business.

This is something i would like to work on, to let the pressures of being a newlywed melt away and just focus on how i actually feel instead of what im supposed to feel.

You Again

I recently watched this horribly written movie starring Kristen Bell. It could have been a hilarious movie, but instead it was one train wreck after the other. Its about a girl that was tormented by Odette Annable's character in high school and then this girl pops back up later in life and pretends not to know Kristen Bell. This movie sucked. The only thing it did for me was make me reflect back on how different i am now from the person i am in high school.

This is what i don't understand about people, everyone can reflect and recognize their own journey, but they have a hard time understanding someone Else's.
I feel like high school is just a game of survival. Everyone falls into a groove that helps them survive the day. My first 2 years of high school i was lucky enough to survive on my good qualities. I got to rely on the fact that i was ignorantly happy about what was going on in the world. I only knew my immediate surroundings and at the time that was good enough for me. I had incredible friends that made it easy to be my silly self. I always wanted to be in the middle of the fun and there was plenty to be in the middle of.

Unfortunately my junior year is when i had to change the way i acted just to survive. My great friends from the year before were gone, and the ones i had left- well that's a really long story that i don't actually know the reasons behind, but in the end all i knew was that i was alone and they made it their mission to make me feel as small as possible and even attempt to get me kicked out of the one place i felt at home: the theatre. That's when i realized that if had a sharp tongue before they did i had the upper hand. I didn't like it, in fact i even made a girl cry because of the things i said, and i ran into the bathroom and cried my eyes out.

I had to put up this front like i really didn't care what anyone said about me, but of course i did. I acted like the bitch they wanted me to be, and i still don't know why. If i had just stayed the self i was the year before i might have been able to keep someone on my side, but it was just me alone. I knew it was happening, and yet i didn't even try to do anything about it. I think i made a lot of mistakes when i was younger- who doesn't ya know- but i decided to beat myself up about it. I decided that i deserved what was being thrown at me, and let it keep happening and even adding to it with my own behavior.

Luckily, this circumstance is what brought me closer to the Choir community and if found some really great people that helped me feel like my old self again. Over the summer from junior to senior year i fell in love, met incredible people, and started to feel the anger and hurt melt away and self confidence start to creep back in. Then, senior year started out great. I was on top of the world, until a 'mean girl' if you will returned from my past.

She had moved away a few years ago but now she was back, and it wasn't long before she was starting trouble right there in my safe haven of choir. I was not completely innocent either, as soon as i started to feel like my perfect world was going to come crashing down i reverted back to my old ways of surviving. I foolishly thought i had to protect what was mine, and i did not act any better than she did. This is when i was at my skinniest- i lost so much sleep and every time i would try to eat my stomach would hurt so badly that all i could do was sit and cry. I hated the situation i was in, i hated even more that i helped myself get there when i thought i had made so much progress getting back to me.

It wasn't until the end of my senior year when i realized that everything i knew was going to be gone in a matter of weeks that something inside me clicked: Who fucking cares?! These girls that spent all their time attacking me online- that was all they had, and my reactions were only going to keep it going. I deleted my account and focused on soaking up every last minute i had in the things that were making me happy before they would be over.

I heard from everyone (because of course this was a public situation) that my deleting only made them try harder and i cant explain how hard it was not to go read it, and it was even harder because i could imagine what they were writing and i couldn't stop myself from thinking how i would get back at them, but i didn't.. for once i was able to keep myself from making a mistake that i was used to making over and over. It was even harder when the relationship i had had (and caused a lot of this drama) ended. It was easily one of the hardest things i had ever gone through in my life up to that point- and staying off the Internet talking about it was just as hard- i had all these feelings that i couldn't communicate and the shame that my 'mean girls' were right in the end- that we wouldn't last.

Then, a bright spot came into my life. A gift from God. I met my now husband, Kevin. He was there for me during one of the hardest times in my life, and he didn't judge me when i would get upset about my ex, he would stay and hold me while i cried. I should probably explain something- i am friends with every single ex I've ever had. So of course i still tried to hold a friendship with the most recent one, because we were so important to each other from ages 13 to 18... how can you just not care about someone? We tried to be friends but we are just so different, and there was so much hurt there, that a friendship didn't work out. We kept trying though, and every time it blew up in my face i would be heart broken all over again, and Kevin understood.

Over my 6 year relationship with my husband, he somehow showed me that it was ok to be myself again. I said in our vows, that from the minute i met him i started to become a better person. He says i was just able to be me, and i guess he is right. He is the only person on this earth that knows every single detail, every side, every emotion that I've ever had- and he has always stayed. I know that people say you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. I have to say that is probably true, but i like to do things my own way and this is no exception. I had to see that the real me is actually lovable before i was able to embrace it. I had to make sure that someone wouldn't run first, and Kevin is the only one who never made me feel bad for anything, he thinks all my quirks are cute even.

I can say that now, at 25 i am exactly the person i want to be. That is why its hard when i re-connect with someone from my past. I kind of cut myself off from everyone i knew back when i was trying to survive and failing at being the person i wanted to be. I worry that when someone sees me in my home town, they will stay away from me on purpose and not see me. I worry that people i had grudges or problems in the past wont believe me when i say I'm over it. (because lets face it- anyone who holds a grudge almost 10 years later has a freakin problem!) I'm sad that some people aren't able to move past the person i was before, and i suppose i deserve that.

If i could tell those people anything, it would be... I'm sorry. I'm sorry if i ever made you feel bad, or upset, because i do know what it feels like on the other end, and i did it anyway. I wish i could show people how different i am, how i can be, and everything i still want to be in the future. On the other had, i still wish i could get a few apologies from the people that really hurt me when i was young, but i do know that is never going to happen and i was able to move on. I am proud to say that I've never been happier in my entire life, that i am proud of who i have become, and a lot of that credit goes to finding my other half.

I think its ok to loose you self a little bit, you learn that way. Its the people who can't admit when they've done something wrong, or the people that don't see the problem that truly worry me in this world. A little self discovery goes a long way.

Happily Ever After... Oh, there isn't a script for this part of life? Shoot...

Something not a whole lot of people know about me is that i write- all the time. I am currently in the middle of writing two different books, and for some reason i can never finish one, i am constantly bouncing back between the two. I think the problem is that i need a place to get out all the other stuff swirling around in my head out so that i can focus on my other stories. My pen name is Cheyenne Kira, and i thought it was appropriate to carry that name over to my blog as well.

I decided to start this blog because i find myself wondering what other people in our situation are like. I know that we are not the only couple out there that choose to do things the "responsible" way. All i mean by that, is the way that everyone else wanted us to.

My husband, Kevin and i actually met way back in Kindergarten. We joke a lot that if we had known then that we were looking at the future love of our lives, we probably would have spent more time getting to know each other. Instead i went on to date many different guys, and he became a bit of a make out whore. After we graduated high school, we still hadn't figured it out. I was at the end of a tumultuous relationship, and he was basking in the glory of all the diff rent girls that visited the local Safeway just to get a peek of him and his surfer hair cut.

After i finally decided to end my relationship, i was in need of a cuddle buddy. I wasn't as in need as Mila or Justin, but i definitely wanted someone to look at me and make me feel cute. Kevin was willingly that guy, and loves to remind me how he was only supposed to be a rebound and somehow i got hooked. We then dated for over 4 years before he asked me to marry him. I was ready about 2 years in, but he wasn't quite there yet. He wanted to wait until we knew what we were doing in our lives, until we had a solid plan. Finally, we were drunk one night and i somehow convinced him that the perfect time to propose was never going to happen, we would always have something happening and none of it would perfectly fall into place.

We were only engaged for 11 months, i couldn't even wait an entire year to marry my prince charming. We had a wonderful wedding- well it would have been if it had gone according to plan. A sunset wedding on the sandy beach, but freakin mother nature had different plans and we were forced indoors. Although everything that could go wrong did, it was still one of the funnest nights of my life.

I thought we had finished our contribution to society, but it turns out the world had different plans. Now that we're married everyone wants to know whats happening next. The way thing are "supposed" to go, rarely happen that way. So far we have been on the track that everyone has wanted for us. We lived together for 2 years before we got engaged, we had the big wedding, and now everyone is waiting for us to complete the cycle: a house and a baby.

This is where Gulianna Ransic said it best "I Do, Now What?" See there are a few hitches to this happily ever after business. We live in California, and if you know absolutely nothing about real estate in CA, even then you know its almost impossible to buy a house in CA. Who has time to save up money for a down payment with rent, utilities, student loans, one of us still in college, 2 full time jobs, pets and oh yea- time for your husband and you to enjoy each other? Our plan now is to move home when my husband graduates next June. We are very lucky to have both sets of parents who would be happy to have us, but the open ended question of which place to go depends on the next part of happily ever after....

Babies... I'm sure i will have many things to write on this topic but for now i will just say that its complicated. When is the right time to start trying when we know that in less than a year we will be moving home, and what about work? I am on the fast track to success, so where the hell does a baby fit into that? Another hitch in our story is my PCOS. There are many things you can do for PCOS, but the honest truth is that it makes it harder for us to conceive. It will take us longer than most couples, but we are ok with that, because we are still trying to figure out when we are emotionally ready for this.

Even though i have many questions, concerns, and worries i hope to find other people who understand where we come from. There are far too many people out there claiming to know it all, pretending life is perfect when there are a lot of things yet to be discovered. I guess what I'm saying is, welcome to my discovery journey i hope its a nice ride we can take together.