I have found a few things to be thankful for in the middle of all this chaos. I've always been a 'small things' kind of person, and i never realized how good that is until the last few days.
Chocolate chip cookies: i know this is really cliche but ever since Wednesday i haven't had much of an appetite and every time i tried to eat my stomach would hurt more. Then i made these silly break away cookies to avoid something on TV that made me sad and they are the only thing that doesn't hurt my stomach when i force myself to eat. It's stupid... but I'll take it.
My kitties- they haven't left my side since we've been home. Its like they know i need silent comfort and they follow me from room to room, and cuddle up next to me every time i stop moving. I always thought people were crazy when they said that animals have an extra sense for when their owners are in trouble, but i think there is some truth to it. They aren't bothering me or getting in my way, they just want to cuddle and its always in the moment that i need it to be. I appreciate and love all the people that love us, but most feel the need to tell us how all of this makes them feel, and I'm still not in a place to hear it yet, so its nice to have 2 little companions that cant tell me how sad they are.
Dry Erase Calendars- i had to erase our upcoming appointments to see our midwife and OB, to make room for my pre and post op appointments. It was harder than i expected when it came time to erase- i felt my breath catch in my throat and even though my head was screaming 'no no no' my arm still did it. This is going to sound strange but if i had a normal calendar that i had written our appointments in pen, i would have had to see the scribbles for the old appointments. I know its probably weird to be thankful to be able to just erase some words, instead of my old future scratched out for my current one, but i am.
A few hours of silence- Like i said before, it's comforting to know how many people out there love us and feel something for us, and we are so grateful but yesterday my husband had to go back to work and i was grateful for the few hours of quiet i got before my phone started blowing up again. It was the first day that i wasn't forced to get out of bed, to make any decisions, to eat or be asked how i felt by Dr's assistants that didn't really care what the answer would be. I actually wanted to do all of these things. Although i missed him while he was at work, i was happy to be left alone. I know that my process of dealing with things is very different from most people, and i think that's why its so hard for people to understand how much i value silence. It doesn't always make sense but when i can focus on being quiet and still, by the time i have to move and talk what i need just comes to me.
Offers to fly across the country- I wish more than anything that i could afford to take a flight across the country and run away like i really want to, but with me being on bed rest for weeks and off work the next few weeks it just isn't our reality. I want nothing more than to hide in the cold where lobster is abundant and the Lasit-isms are exactly what you need to feel better. I also love the idea of avoiding the sad looks and lingering hugs that are waiting for me back home where our families are. (they mean well and are amazing people but i just cant look at one more face with sad eyes- i completely avoid looking in the mirror for that same reason)
This may not sound comforting to some people, but i haven't felt the bubbles from the baby moving since we found out he was sick. For me, this is comforting. Its like he knows me already and doesn't want my heart to break even more. Part of me feels like he is already taking care of us. I finally spent some time writing to him in the journal i started and i asked him to watch over Daddy. It's funny because last night when i went to sleep Kevin wrote to him to watch over me. I found it this morning before he woke up and felt so grateful to my two guys- both taking care of me in their own ways and i started to feel better. The best i felt in a few days actually- i just hope it lasts.
Distractions- I zone out and watch TV so i don't think too much and lucky for me Netflix is full of things to distract me. My animals are a form of entertainment all on their own. My best friend telling me about a hot guy. My husband has this way of making me laugh, especially when i don't want to. He's silly and likes to joke, so watching him around the house makes me feel calm. I spent some time looking at all our silly photos on the wall from the last (almost) 7 years and i started laughing before i even knew what i was doing. We have had this amazing journey together and i know its only just beginning, and that calms me down before i start to feel zombie-like.
My husband also wrote to our baby to help me feel joy again, because he misses my smile. Reading that made it really sink in that i need to try and get better. I need to find a way to find more and more things to be thankful for each day and get myself together. If not for me, at least for him.
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