1 Week and Revelations

(I started this post on Thursday)

Mason has been gone for 1 week today. Things have started to change, some good... Some not so good. I was doing fine for most of the day. My husband got up early and made us eggs benedict from scratch and it was really good. I had a busy morning at home taking care of things I had neglected for the last few weeks. When I got to work everything was normal until I saw a calendar that we had all written our days off on and I saw the Dr. appointment I had written down for January 30th and out of no where I was hit with overwhelming sadness.

It didn't make sense- I was having a perfectly normal day, proud of myself even for how well I was handling the day. There wasn't much I could do at that point, it was convenient that I was in a back office sorting paperwork so I didn't even try to hide my tears. They were different, not the full on crying tears that I've become accustomed to, just quiet and steady. So I continued to sort paperwork while the tears fell.

When I told my husband about it, he suggested I throw myself into more tasks to get my mind off it and it hit me: I didn't WANT my mind off it. I needed to take a minute and let the feelings come and go without fighting them. I knew going back to work so soon meant that I would need to find a way to deal with these feelings at inconvenient times, and I was ready to do that when in the past all I wanted to do was hide.

(The rest of this is from today)
I realized that the more I tried to hide my feelings or ignore them the more determined they were to come up at unexpected times. I was driving home from work the other and I just started crying uncontrollably. There wasn't even a sad song on the radio and I had had a good day at work, I even started to joke around with the crew and started to feel like myself again. It felt like I was taking steps back when I had been determined to only take steps forward. Our therapist says grief is like ocean waves- it comes and goes but it doesn't mean I'm moving backwards. She said if I was only stuck in grief or only stuck in happiness that would be worse, because I wouldn't be facing the things I am supposed to. So although I worry about the times that my sadness is completely in control I find it comforting knowing my body and mind are doing what they are supposed to, even if I hate it at the time.

Of all the emotions I thought I might feel during all of this, the one I didn't expect was guilt. When I laugh with my husband, when I make a joke at work, or when I laugh out loud at something someone says I immediately feel guilty for feeling good. I know that sounds insane, but it is what it is. I am told this is normal too... that a part of me will always feel like I should be sad, but that I should also embrace the good. I want to embrace the good.

Although I feel like I will never ever be the same again, it's exhausting to be so sad all the time. I don't know what Mason thinks of us, but I know I want him to be proud of us, and know that even after he is gone we are still trying to be the best parents and versions of ourselves that we can. I wish that I could really know him like I wanted to, but I do get this feeling sometimes when I'm sad that he wants us to be happy. I can't describe it very well, but it feels like my chest gets really warm and then I start to feel better... and it just has to be him... it has to.

I am noticing that as things come up for the first time... like my earlier post today that can be found here where I am not sure how to handle them or what to think... they do get easier. I still don't really know how I feel about getting ready for work and looking down to see my shirt soaked through and it could only be from me. I know that I was happy to loose another inch around my waist so that I could finally get out of the constant reminder of my maternity pants.

I know that the world doesn't revolve around us, and that there are people that still don't know what happened. At first I couldn't imagine having to explain to someone, to actually say the words but in the last 24 hours I have been asked 'how's the baby' 3 different times and I had to explain that we lost our son. I don't go into detail, but I explain the time frame, and that I'm doing ok, and that it's still hard to talk about. If I stick to that I'm ok, but the second I see someones sad face I completely lose it. I know that will improve in time, and I can't always depend on my husband to relay the details but I am grateful that I was able to get through the basics 3 times without losing control of myself. It's a small feat for me, but it's something that I can be proud of myself for.

The only thing I have noticed is when I heard my husband on the phone saying "we had to end the pregnancy" and it literally felt like I had been kicked in the gut. I understand that for him, that's the easiest way to say what happened but to me it feels more appropriate to say "we lost our baby". Our situation was so sudden and scary and intense that it feels more like a loss than a decision. I LOST out on the life I had carefully planned out, I LOST the belly I had been so proud of so fast, I LOST pieces of myself that I will never get back. Lost just feels... right.

I set a goal for myself that find things that make me smile and to cling to them like a life preserver. My husband is adorable and the little things he does or says while we hang around the house are the best things that I could possibly cling to. He is kind, and sweet and makes me laugh where I feel it in my whole body. I want to end this post, and maybe my future ones with something that makes me smile. Today it's that my husband told me how cute I was for something silly I did. To explain it would be boring for anyone who isn't us, but it made my day to hear him say it.