Thought Jumble

I've avoided writing the last few days because my head is too full to even try to make sense of it all. In an effort to ever sleep again, this is my attempt to try to get some of it out of my brain... warning, this could be a long one, I have a lot of stuff swirling around up there...

The morning of my surgery I woke up and thought to myself "last night I went to bed as someones mommy and tonight I'll go to bed as just me" and then the next thing I knew i was getting ready for surgery. I remember the very sweet nurse that must have been able to read my terrified face who went and got my husband from the waiting room before he was actually supposed to be allowed to sit with me.

Most of it was a blur, I wasn't even drugged I just can't seem to remember most of it besides my husband holding my hand. I remember waking up and for a few hours after surgery I was happy. That sounds strange even to me but I was unaware of everything around me, all I knew was I was tired and the first thing I saw was my wonderful husband and the beautiful flowers he brought me. I was in recovery for over 4 hours because they couldn't get my heart rate down. I was convinced it was because of the 2 bags of IV into my 4'10 frame and i desperately had to pee but it turns out it was because of the drugs they gave me to wake up. I didn't feel any physical pain post surgery and I spent most of the day feeling "normal". I was able to visit my in-laws and my family and felt relatively fine. It felt like I had woken up from a 4 month long dream instead of a 1 hour surgery. I couldn't explain why i felt so normal, but after the weeks of emotional ups and downs I wasn't about to question it.

Thursday we had blue supporters all over the country. We got messages from Massachusetts, Colorado, Nevada, and even an out of country friend represented Mason in New Zealand. That's just what I can remember from the top of my head but there was much more and Kevin and I are still amazed and overwhelmed by the support we have received. It's truly amazing.

Thursday night we had felt good all day (I was home from surgery by around 2pm) so we decided to settle in with my family for a night of TV but it ended up back firing on us. Every single show we watched had something to do with babies: Modern Family, Big Bang Theory, Body of Proof, Greys Anatomy and Bones. Our perfectly plotted TV lineup designed to make us laugh forced us to face our feelings that had been staying below the surface all day.

When we went to bed we just laid together and talked about all the things that scared us, made us sad, or we had just been flat out avoiding saying out loud. My husband is amazing in times like these because he just knows what to do. We don't need to always talk everything out, I can know what he is thinking just looking at him, and he with me, but it's still nice to hear him say things out loud, to hear the same things I'm thinking.

The next day was different. That part is still going to take some getting used to: how each day is different from the next, the ups and downs. We had made plans for us to go get all the foods I couldn't have while pregnant and our first stop was for my favorite breakfast: eggs Benedict and a mimosa. I was so excited but after I ate a few bites I had this heavy feeling come over me and I didn't feel the way I had expected to. I'm not crazy enough to think that food will cure me, I guess I just thought that if i latched onto some small things to focus my energy on (like projects or plans) that I could avoid feeling sad. It didn't work.

We went back to my parents house and I started to change my clothes back into my PJ's for a nap and out of no where I just lost it. I didn't even feel it coming on, I just couldn't contain myself anymore and crumbled to the floor. I struggled to contain myself because I was in a house full of family and the last thing I wanted was for anyone to hear me but I can't even describe the feeling I had... it was a lot like emptiness I suppose. Normally when I cry, I have some kind of internal dialogue going on that helps me figure it all out but this time there was nothing. All I knew was I needed my husband so I called for him and when he came in it was like he just knew everything I was feeling. He sat next to me and held me and told me it was OK to cry, that I had been so strong the day before and it was OK to be tired of being strong in front of everyone.

The rest of the day was a lot like that, we decided to head back to our place shortly after and on the drive I had an overwhelming urge to go to the beach. I told Kevin and he asked if there was a particular beach I had in mind, I didn't I just knew I needed to be by water so he kept driving. We have always had significant things happen to us by the ocean. The fist time he told me he loved me we were on our way to the beach, he proposed to me on the wharf in Monterey, and we got married on the beach near that same spot. There was a different spot that we used to go to on our days off and talk about our future by Lover's Point that has this rock that is shaped like a heart. We would spend hours watching the waves and talking. We even took our engagement photos by this beach, and this is the beach Kevin drove us to yesterday.

We got out and I brought Mason's journal and we sat by the heart shaped rock for a long time. I stared at the waves and just felt... comforted. It's hard to describe because I didn't feel good or bad, it just felt like the right place at the right time kind of thing. I started to write to Mason and Kevin held the pages for me. When I couldn't write anymore he took my glasses and the journal and he held me while we had a good cry. I call it a good cry because it felt cleansing... it was different from my break down earlier that day. We watched the sun go down and it got cold so we decided to leave. While we were driving back to our place we started talking about ways to honor our son and again it amazed me how little we need to communicate to have the same thoughts. We stopped for more non-pregnant favorites (sushi- and this time it did make me feel better, probably because I hadn't eaten since breakfast) and started making plans for what I have decided to call: Project Baby Farm.... more to come on that later.

Today i woke up cuddled next to my husband and my animals and it was the first time I didn't cry when I remembered everything. For 4 months I woke up every morning thinking "my life will never be the same and I can't wait" and then the last few weeks I woke up every morning thinking "my life will never be the same why couldn't it just be a dream?" Today we plan to pack up all the Christmas stuff and all the baby stuff. It's hard to get a start on a to-do list that could potentially crumble you, but my husband is doing his best to make it easier. He brought me coffee and breakfast in bed and has kept himself busy in the other room while I try to figure out how to tackle this day.

I wish he could stay home with my every day, because just having him in the next room makes me feel better. Part of me wants to stay home and hide forever. On the other hand, maybe both of us going back to work on Monday will make things better. More distractions, less time to just sit and think... I want to get back into a routine that doesn't include me crying over preggy pillows and maternity clothes that I ordered weeks ago that just showed up yesterday. I know it will come in time, and a new routine will help. Step one of Project Baby Farm is me getting out of bed today, so I should probably work on that first and see what kind of day today will be.