Nervousness

Later today I have my post-op follow up appointment with my surgeon. I know I have already talked about all the ways my body could continue to screw me over but I just can't shake this nervous feeling I have.

Before, when I would get sick I would always psyche myself out and plan for the worst only to have all positive outcomes. The only real experience I've had with actually being sick was my cystic ovaries, but I guess I grew accustomed to the pain that was almost like clockwork so I kinda forgot what it was like to get bad news.

When the tests came back positive for Mason's neural tube defects I did the normal: assume everything that could go wrong would and start to obsess over what we would do, but still in the back of my mind I figured that everything would be fine in the end, that the results would come back normal like they always did. Although I had played out all the worst case scenarios all week in my head before that very sad day at the ultrasound specialist, I still wasn't ready when they told us our worst fears had come true.

Now as I count down the hours to my next appointment its like my brain doesn't know what to prepare for. I keep bouncing back and forth from 'everything's going to be fine... for real this time' and 'I'm sorry but there is too much scar tissue'. Then, I start to question every decision we've made. Did we wait too long to start trying vs. did we try too soon? Should I have listened to our midwife when she told me it was ok to take my pre-natals every other day instead of daily because of the complications it was causing in my body or should I have just dealt with feeling horrible to make sure all that folic acid made it into my system? Should I really of had those foods that I knew I was finding loopholes for? Should I have had more foods that the books suggested even though I couldn't keep anything down? I know that most of these things have nothing to do with what happened to Mason, but I just can't stop thinking about all the what if's, and I probably won't be able to until after my appointment today. Actually, I just lied. I won't be able to really relax until my pre-pregnancy check up in May with the Fertility Specialist...

Do you ever feel like you need to make a to-do list of things to worry about?

My smile of the day is being woken up by my cat Nacho. He was laying by my face (as usual) and he kept stroking my cheek with his paw. He was hungry but I like to think he was trying to wake me up gently instead of the normal one inch from my face motor boat purring. I literally woke up laughing, which I think is a fantastic way to wake up (even if it was a few hours before i actually wanted to wake up).