WARNING: This is going to be a LOOOONG post!
As of today I am officially 21 weeks, which means we are more than half way though this pregnancy. There has been a lot going on in our little lives every since we've gotten pregnant but I guess I've been wanting to keep that to myself... until today. Yet again, we had more unfavorable news and I'm tired of trying to face it alone. My husband is incredibly supportive but there isn't a whole lot he can do, and honestly I think we're both tired of this game we get forced into where we have to keep reconfiguring our lives when each of these problems pops up. It's exhausting to say the least. Maybe we should start from the beginning...
A while ago (forgive me, as time is all blurring together) we were told our 2nd trimester screening came back positive for the same neural tube defects that affected Mason. With terror in our hearts for days and days we waited until we could go see the specialist. Long story short, our little one did not have any neural tube defects they could see. If anything is there, its so minor that it can be fixed after birth. (Whew!) The bad news? I have a "wall" growing in my uterus next to the baby. The specialist thinks it may be from my surgery but they really don't know. It isn't a "favorable" thing to have, as it could eventually crowd the baby so I am being monitored closely to keep an eye on it. We actually go back tomorrow for an update.
My back has been bothering me since I pee'd on the stick. It was actually one of my husband's first signals that I may be pregnant. So, after it started to get worse and worse (there are days when I literally can't get out of bed) we went to the doctor to find out what's going on. Basically I have perminate nerve damage from being pregnant with Averie that only flares up when I'm knocked up. I was referred to a physical therapist, but as my pregnancy has progressed so has my pain level. So, now I have to go multiple times a week to try and work on the nerve damage that keeps me from standing for long periods of time, and makes it difficult to walk. But, I absolutely loves my PT! She's the sweetest and I always leave feeling so much better, so no complaints here!
The other complication is my weight. As in, I haven't gained any and I'm more than half way though my pregnancy. Because I have been plagued (again... thanks babies!) with constant nausea and vomiting my doctor is worried about my lack of weight gain. I thought I was doing well, because I haven't had to go get an IV for fluids yet- I thought I was winning this one haha- but it turns out it's still concerning even if it doesn't land me in the hospital this time. We are trying different nausea medications but so far the results have been the same: Me 0, Puking 100
In between all this medical chaos, we found out we are having a BOY! We are so excited to have our pair. We feel very blessed to not only have a healthy baby but to have the boy my husband has been wanting forever. Still no names, nothing seems to fit yet but we have time ;)
Now for the things that are weighing me down. I am trying really hard to stay positive this pregnancy and to take each obstacle with grace, but it weighs down on you no matter how hard you try to make a go of it. Because of all my complications it means a couple of things:
1. All of my doctors and specialists want to take me out of work now. This is something I have absolutely refused to do at this point. I can't just sit at home and think about everything I have going on, I'll drive myself crazy. Yes, I could put more time into my Etsy shop I suppose, but a lot of my issues would keep me from being in front of my sewing machine (as they have already). I need to work. As much as I like to complain about retail, I do enjoy it. I like the people I work with (one of them being my hunky hubby who always keeps me in a steady supply of snacks at break time) and it distracts me from all the pregnancy drama and worry that would otherwise be overwhelming my brain. Plus, we just can't afford to live with one income and a third of another.
2. I am going to have to have a C-Section. (Between the unpredictable "wall" in my uterus and my previous 26 hour labor this is their recommendation.) This isn't as upsetting as I thought it would be. Of course I've been hoping to have all the regular experiences most women get to- water breaking, natural labor, maybe even a doula.. but at this point with everything I've had to worry about in the past and in this pregnancy I'm just happy they have a safe way to get this baby out. I can let go of the things I won't get to experience, because the honest truth is I get to experience another baby... and about 6 months ago I had given up hope on that being a reality. There are some well meaning people in my life that keep urging me to get a 3rd opinion, or to try to deliver despite what my doctors have told me but how this baby comes into this world just isn't as important to me as it used to be. So to those people, I love you and I appreciate you... but can you shut the hell up already? ;)
3. Based on EVERYTHING in my history of pregnancies and all the complications going on with this one, both my doctor and the specialist I am seeing they both have recommended that while I'm open for my C-Section that I need to have my tubes tied. I know, bomb drop right? Well... kinda. Kevin and I had talked about making this decision on our own, but it was more out of fear than anything and I had still hoped maybe we could have another down the line. We had actually discussed him getting a vasectomy because it's cheaper and safer but there is something about someone else telling you that it's medically necessary that just punches you in the gut... or ovaries. It's so final, and kinda sad. Even though we had been leaning towards this decision it still sucks to be told ya know? Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing daughter and one cool little dude on the way, so I know I am blessed but I can't shake this one little feeling that I always thought we'd have a bigger family. I feel like I have all this love to give to more kids, but as I've said in the past, there are many ways to grow a family now a days. I am very aware that we are extremely blessed, but I don't think a little bit of mourning is uncalled for in this situation... and I know it will pass. Just one of those feelings you have to ride all the way though I guess.
Oh, the last thing that just popped up- despite being able to eat practically nothing I somehow managed to get gestational diabetes again. I kinda have to laugh at the situation this time. Last time I was devastated and that just seems silly now. I know how to handle this, but there will be a new learning curve as I do it while working. I'll have to do some extra meal planning of course, and bring all my snacks to work. Keeping on the regular eating and testing schedule will be... interesting. Retail is so unpredictable but I have an awesome support system at work so I'm not worried about it. Just one more thing to figure out on this crazy pregnancy ride.
The last thing that is weighing heavily on my heart is since this is my last baby I'm determined to miss nothing. As much as I like working I need to figure out a way we can afford for me to stay home with this little guy. With Averie I literally cried every day when I had to get ready to go to work and I know it's going to hurt more knowing this is my last chance. There is no point sitting here and worrying about it now, but if you can send some prayers/good vibes our direction that something in our life changes so that it's possible for me to stay home with my babies it couldn't hurt. ;)
