Food Woes For Real

Pardon the long pause between posts, the Internet at our place hasn't been working since before Christmas, and it wont be fixed until after the new year... so this over-sharer who depends too much on this blog to figure out her own feelings has been going a little crazy. Instead of writing an emotional piece of what I am currently going through (I don't know about you, but I don't enjoy crying in public) I thought I would write about my progress with GD.

I really was shocked to find out I have gestational diabetes because I truly do eat healthy, and while I have been banned from my favorite exercises like zumba and running, my pregnancy books have a 'move of the week' that I follow. Little things like squats and leg lifts and stretches ect... i lost 25 pounds at the beginning of my pregnancy (Duchess Kate and I are BFFs) only to have gained back 5 at this point. I went into last week's appointment skeptical that there was much else I could do- I just had this feeling that I would end up being one of those unlucky women stuck taking daily insulin shots. Before I get into that, let me give you some insight into the food of my daily life...


My life with food pre-pregnancy was annoying on it's own. Here is a list of things I couldn't have before for various reasons:

1. Nuts (make your jokes) I am highly allergic to most nuts... I still eat peanut butter but at a price... I get a rash but its not full-on hives so most of the time I don't mind dealing with it. Usually the benefits of it outweigh my annoying rash but other nuts I avoid because I don't really like them and the rash is worse for some reason.
2. Aspartame (splenda is made from this) It causes severe migraine headaches that usually ended up with me sick to my stomach
3. Processed foods like American cheese, what i call 'fake' chocolate (or cheap chocolate), and most sausages or hot dogs... they also give me a rash so i tend to avoid them... plus EEW!
4. Most meat: I'm not not a meat inclined person... i love most vegetarian dishes. I wish I could write about some moral obligation against meat, but I just prefer not to eat it because I don't really like it.

When I got pregnant there were even more foods I had to stay away from... Here is the list of things my doctors told me to avoid (please don't ask me the clinical explanation on why... i just follow directions lol):
1. Deli meats... which stinks because I would have a sandwich almost every day for lunch
2. Undercooked meats or raw fish. I LOVE sashimi and crave it like crazy for some reason. I've just stayed away from steak because when I actually want steak I like it rare, and if I can't have it rare then what's the point of having it ya know?
3. Coffee. Now I'm not gonna lie, there is no way I could stay away from coffee completely. I can safely have 200mg a day so I have 1 cup which is no where near that. That's a huge deal for me since I usually drink it up until I go to sleep.
4. Runny eggs. I freaking love them but I can't have them ;( so again, why bother eating any if I can't have them cooked the way I like them?
5. Fish. Just the smell of it makes my stomach turn, so while I loved it pre-pregnancy I haven't wanted anything to do with it since 6 weeks in.
6. Salt (to prevent bloating) I'm fairly short, so I don't need any extra 'help' .. especially from foods I don't really need or like

SO- this is what a day in the life of my eating habits consists of (before the GD diet)... These first 2 are always the same every day no matter what I am doing, it's very exciting haha. I eat almost every 2 hours to ward of nausea, which works for me because i get full VERY quickly.

Breakfast- Black coffee and a banana
Snack- Yogurt
Lunch- Can be any of the following: a pb&j, soup, salad, macaroni and cheese, bagel and cream cheese, or chowmein (one of my biggest cravings)
Snack- Crackers (because usually i feel sick after lunch), fruit or a little of whatever i didn't finish at lunch
Dinner- my parents cook just as much as we eat out, but usually by dinner i get full after a couple of bites so i don't worry too much about what I'm eating. i usually go for the healthiest option of whatever they are having... my parents are both diabetic and have high cholesterol so they're pretty careful what they eat as well, and I don't usually eat meat.. so dinner consists of side dishes mostly.
After dinner snack- fruit with peanut butter, celery with peanut butter or a hard boiled egg with cheese
Late night snack- i do have a sweet tooth and keep a stash of sour candies by my bed (another huge craving) but because they're sour I can only eat a handful at a time. A few times a week I have 3-4 oreos and milk- because I'm one of those weirdos that actually sticks to serving sizes listed on packages, and i always have half of a peanut butter sandwich so i don't wake up sick to my stomach.

As you can see my daily diet is pretty boring, so when we factor in the requirements of gestational diabetes, there isn't a whole lot to be excited about. Basically I have to watch my carbs (so sad... i love carbs! carbs carbs carbs, get in my belly) and I can no longer have fruit juices, soda's- which is fine, I was never a huge soda drinker, except for my random cravings for root beer and I am being forced to eat meat on a daily basis. (My iron levels were very low) I also have to eat 6 meals a day which is hard because I'm basically always full. So here is my food life since conforming to the GD Diet: ppssstt... this is the general diet based on my meetings with a nutritionist who helped me shape the GD diet to my own needs.

Breakfast- Bagel and cream cheese and coffee
Morning Snack- yogurt
Lunch- a sandwich, or a salad with a protein included
Afternoon Snack- cottage cheese or cheese slices with milk
Dinner- a palm sized protein (usually chicken), a cup of a starch (usually pasta of some kind) and a huge portion of veggies (my favorite part- especially when my hubby is cooking them)
Late Night Snack- either peanut butter toast or 1/2 peanut butter sandwich with milk

I saw the nutritionist again this morning and they reviewed my blood sugar readings. They were very inconsistent despite the consistencies of my diet. The biggest worry for them was my fasting reading (right after I wake up) and my hour after breakfast reading. They suggested I change my bagel and cream cheese breakfast to a 1/2 bagel and add a hard boiled egg. They also suggested I add cheese to my late night snack. They're giving my numbers until Friday to improve my blood sugar readings with these 2 adjustments otherwise I am going to have to give myself insulin injections at bedtime to try and make up for my fasting and post breakfast numbers. Keep those fingers crossed!!!

If I wasn't already worried about my food intake and making sure I get all the nutrients and diet requirements in - seriously who has time for all this monitoring haha- I also have to take all these supplements daily:

Folic Acid x3
Prenatal Vitamin x1
Iron with a shot of orange juice x1
Protein Powder mixed into my milk x2
Anti-nausea meds (there are 2 of them but i forget what they are called) one of them is at night to help me sleep and the other can be up to 3x a day as needed

I think that's about it... so I bet your diet is looking pretty good right about now right? In all seriousness the GD diet is not as bad as I thought. Like I said, it was pretty similar to my regular routine except now I can't have all the sweets... which can be hard. There was a point last night where I was almost in tears wishing I just had some starbursts. Luckily that can be blamed on pregnancy hormones and its gone just as quickly as it comes. It's also kinda nice taking out all the guesswork and the time it would take me to settle on what to eat. It's pretty black and white so its easy to remember, and easy to follow. I even like the fact that I get to 'work out' after each major meal. I was missing my active lifestyle, so even though its just a walk around the block or doing my stretches, it feels good.

I'll do my best to keep this updated on my progress and of course how it effects miss Averie Belle. Hopefully I'll get the chance to write about my holiday week and the roller coaster of emotions I experienced. Let's just say I'll be happy when the holidays pass!

Harry the Heart Monitor

Disclaimer: My spellcheck option isn't working for some reason, so please exuse any typos or any misspelled words ;)

This is Harry the Heart Monitor, my new friend.

All the hoopla over my recent diagnosis of Gestational Diabetes seems laughable now.I guess I do that to myself sometimes, there isn't much I can do about how I initially react to things, but I'm hoping as I am given more things to deal with, I get better at reacting to them... anyway back to my recent appointments.

I went to the 2-hour appointment with my husband and there were 2 other couples there. The way they do things in my Dr's office, which I find annoying, is force you to attend a class before your able to meet with specialists. They did it when I first got pregnant to- before you're able to pick a OB and a Midwife you have to go to this 3 hour class where they go over the basics and introduce all the Dr's to you. For an impatient person like me I would rather do all that research on my own and skip right to meeting with a specialist.

I left feeling discouraged because I am already eating the way they suggest. Besides my sweet tooth... and really i have like a sweet mouth because I really LOVE sweets, I am in pretty good shape to following the meal plans they suggest. My husband is optomistic too, and has agreed to start eating the same diet as me. The only part I'm not particularly excited about is adding so much meat into my diet, as I've said before I just dont really care for meat. I eat it when I crave it, but that's not very often. BUT... of course I'll do whatever i need to for my baby girl. So the diet part was fine with me, and even adding excersise is fine with me... its the poking of my finger that I'm not too crazy about. I guess I have sensitive fingers, because they said it's not supposed to hurt but each time it does and my fingers throb for a while afterwards. I'll have to research ways to allievate the sensitivity (if there are any) but it's nothing I can't handle. I'm looking forward to my one on one appointment with the nutritionist to personalize my meal plans.

I got to meet with my OB afterwards for my regular checkup and she explained a little more what I was looking at as far as my risk for having a C-Section. They were already concerned because I'm a small girl but we're all hoping I'll be able to keep the GD under control. She said a 7-pound baby would be my personal max. If Averie's over that (GD influenced or not) I'll have to be induced early. They would like to give me a chance to deliver vaginally like I want, but I have to be open to the possibility of needing a C-Section if Averie's on the larger side.

I always go to my check ups with a list of concerns or things I've been experienceing and one of them was these dizzy spells I've been having. They aren't super common but I've had them a handfull of times over the last 5 months or so. I get really hot and dizzy and my heart beats fast... sometimes my vision gets blurry. The last bad one I had was at work but luckily I was able to get myself off the floor and into the back room to put my head down. When I told my OB she didn't seem too concerned, she just told me to drink more water. I didn't press the issue because I felt rushed, but I knew I had been drinking plenty of water- I am ALWAYS thirsty. I figured I'd just ask my Midwife about it at my next appointment.

Later that night I was taking a shower and I started to feel a dizzy spell coming on. Luckily my husband was right there and helped me sit down in the tub and got me out. That time my vision actually blacked out but I could still hear him telling me what he was doing to help. He got me into bed and thought myabe my blood sugar was low and brought me some juice. I layed down and took a nap for about an hour and felt ok the rest of the night.

Then this morning as I was getting my breakfast together I felt a little 'fuzzy' but I didn't get too worried about it. About an hour later I started to get ready for my day and while I was putting on my makeup I felt another spell coming on. This time my vision didn't go away completly, it just got dimmer and I saw spots. I got really hot and my chest started to hurt as I felt my heart rate speed up. I went to sit down in my room (it was closest) until my vision came back. When it did I tried to eat a hard boiled egg thinking maybe I didnt have enough protein this morning. I still felt shakey for another 45 minutes so I called the OB advise nurse and they told me I needed to come in right away.

Luckily, my husband was able to come home and take me in. They gave me an EKG, a neurological exam, tested my oxygen and took my blood pressure. All normal. That left us with a big question mark. One thing I like about my general physician is he doesn't like to jump to conclusions or freak me out so he told me the next natural step is to eliminate things. The best way to do that in his opinion, was to hook me up to Harry for 24 hours. I can still go to work, and do my daily activities (which is nice because today was my dad's birthday and there is no way I was missing that!) but I have to go back tomorrow and have it taken off and do a stress test, and then wait for the results.

I'm strangely at ease... I don't think I'll ever be good at hearing bad news... or confusing news in this case, but I think when I hit my low point last week I also got to a point where I can't help but laugh now. Being told I had to be hooked up to a machine for 24 hours didn't do anything but make me laugh, which is strage for my loved ones because they are super concerned and I'm just going with the flow. I guess that's what happens when you max out on crap... which is probably a good thing for me at this point. I did come to the conclusion that I need to start seeing someone regularly to make sure my mental health is being taken care of too. I feel fine, but that may not always be the case.. as these things tend to sneak up on you. One thing I've learned throughout all this is that preventative medicine is nothing to mess around with.

Food Woes Shoved Aside

Originally I was working on a post to make you laugh about all the things I crave but cant eat. I thought i would be a nice change to write something silly, because for once things were going well and I didn't have much to write about. In a funny and pathetic way, the universe provided me something yesterday, so my funny Food Woes post is now a thing of the past because I need to figure out what snapped inside me yesterday to cause the full on melt down I experienced.

Before I write everything I should probably say a couple of disclaimers: 1. things could always be worse 2. while my problem may not seem like much compared to my past problems, I still feel like I got hit in the gut 3. life doesn't always go to plan blah blah blah!

I had to re-do my blood glucose test yesterday. I went into it pretty confident because I haven't had any symptoms of being diabetic and in general I eat pretty healthy. I was literally shocked when I received my test results and the numbers were crazy high. I tried not to panic knowing that my Dr would be calling me soon. Luckily I have very well versed friends and family on facebook who were able to give me a hint of what I could be expecting.

When the Dr finally called she explained that with my scores as high as they were they were going to move forward with the diagnosis of gestational diabetes and I had to attend a class next week explaining all the changes I was going to have to make. No problem... then she dropped the big one: her prediction based on my numbers was that I should start preparing myself to the reality that I will probably have to have a C-Section. Devastation.

To some people this may not be the worst news in the world, but to me it was earth shattering. Even with Mason I had planned on a natural birth and when we lost him I felt this huge loss of that experience. When we got pregnant with Averie I was so excited that I got another chance to experience a natural birth. I've been researching and planning and preparing myself to go through this, and I've been extremely excited about it. To hear that there was a 90% chance of that being taken away again I guess I just couldn't handle it.

The best I can describe is that I snapped inside. I called my husband and he could barely understand me as a crying mess. I literally cried for hours, I couldn't seem to pull myself together. I had multiple commitments last night that I just couldn't even fathom going to. I realize today (after some sleep) that I could have been told much worse but last night- which seems like a lifetime ago for some reason- I was inconsolable for about 5 hours.

I guess in a way I have hit my max on hearing about how my pregnancy is different. I felt like I keep getting robbed of what everyone gets to experience during their pregnancies. I just so so so so so badly want to experience a shred of normalcy while being pregnant. I know that's unrealistic in our situation blah blah blah... sue me. Everyone has a breaking point, and yesterday was mine. I'll do the diet, I'll do the exercise... I'll do anything to keep my birth plan. That may sound silly to some, but getting the chance to experience a natural birth... I just can't handle that being taken away from me.

I cant help feeling like around every corner there is another way that I get jipped on this experience, and it makes my dream of having a big family become smaller and smaller. I'm not sure I can go through all this again. Right now anyway, it feels impossible. I'm sure that will change, and I hope it does... but for now I think Averie is it for me. There is only so much you can take when you are told all these different things you can and can't do- and I actually follow them- and still have shitty outcomes.

I guess there wasn't much to figure out here... I'm just emotionally exhausted and while I feel like a baby, I know its important to own my emotions... no matter how embarrassing they are the next day.

The Unexpected

Forgive me as I try to make sense of the massive crying fit that just came over me.

I've gotten pretty good at masking my feelings while I'm in the outside world, but the last few days when I get home I just want to cry. I'm not sure why so I haven't let myself. I don't have anything to cry about, my life is going smoothly... hiccups and all... so you would think this Thanksgiving would be something to look forward to.

I've never really been a fan of Thanksgiving... loud families and food I don't really care for... but for some reason I've been dreading this one like no other. I figured it was just anxiety over the upcoming family get together. I haven't been at a gathering like this since before Mason and for some reason I was having a hard time wrapping my head around getting myself excited to go. It strangely has nothing to do with my husband's family... there is just a lot of them and it can be overwhelming sometimes, which is usually easier when I can drink haha... I would feel the same way if we were going to be surrounded by my family. When I tried to explain how I was feeling to my husband, he didn't really get it. I don't blame him, even I don't really understand how I'm feeling.

I'm not sure if it was a mix of having just watched the recent episode of Parenthood (seriously- that show makes me cry every time), my pregnancy emotions on overdrive and the general disdain I have for Thanksgiving but I've been in this funk. I've also been missing Mason more than normal, but I didn't think much of it, because I miss him all the time. Sometimes more than others... normal for me.

I was sitting here trying to pay some bills, finish some articles, maybe sneak some Sims playing in... with the TV on in the back ground. Then I hear these 2 words that have been the worst 2 words I've ever known... spina bifida. I don't even know the story line on the show but I heard those words and something clicked... something horribly sad that I couldn't control. I realized what has been bothering me, the fact that my husband and his family are so excited to show off my belly and I guess subconsciously part of me knew I should have been showing off my son this Thanksgiving.

I know I can't control these things, and maybe someone out there is tired of hearing it... this sad game I keep playing within myself. I can't always let things like this get to me, it comes with the decision we made, and I'm not dumb to that. But sometimes, especially around the holidays since that's when everything started to change in Mason's world I can't control it and I just need to hide in my room and have a good cry. I just wish that crying everything out could somehow drain the sadness out of me too. Like I could purge it out somehow, but it's always there. Times like today when I allow myself to really let it out, say whats in my heart out loud it hurts, but it also feels good to not keep it all inside. But after that I feel guilt for letting those moments happen instead of focusing all my energy on Averie. I know that probably sounds dumb, but I don't ever want her to know my sadness for Mason because I'm so excited and in love with her... or that any of her moments weren't always hers.  I'm not sure how to balance the two...

I know tomorrow I'll feel better without having to do anything, I'll be back to my balanced life and get caught up in visiting with family and food... but today I finally figured out what has been bothering me and i allowed myself to have these moments. It felt good to give myself that, despite how unexpected it was. I just have to work on the guilt that follows it. But, I've got time, and for that I can be thankful.

Control Freak

I don't think it's any secret that I am a passionate person with my own voice... and that I typically  have no problem expressing it. The same goes when I am making decisions regarding my life... this is also not a secret.

I have issues with control, a lot of my life has been out of my control so I cling onto the things that I can navigate to my own standards. Unfortunately, this doesn't always make me the best listener when i am being given advise. I tend to think the research I do vs what other's tell me is correct, despite how many times they try to shove it down my throat. I recognize that this is always done with the best of intentions on both parts: the other party is only trying to  help, and I only want what is best for me. At some point these 2 things need to meet in the middle, but I have yet to accomplish this on a regular basis.

The most recent example of my push and pull relationship is my unintentional rebellion following my Dr appointment a few weeks ago. I went in for a regular pregnancy checkup looking for answers for a strange pain I was having in my pack that would surge up my back and down my leg at random times. She told me it was my sciatic nerve acting up, and gave me some at-home tricks to help alleviate the pain. The other things she told me- very firmly- was not to be on my feet unnecessarily. She also told me not to sit for long periods of time. My job is actually perfect for this because I stand and sit regularly so typically I don't have to worry. She also told me to eliminate any extra curricular activities that would cause my sciatic to act up. So, despite me not wanting to listen to her advise I did... mostly.

I stepped away from the play I was doing because it was hours at a time sitting... I stopped all the exercise classes that she advised. What I didn't do was cut back at work because we couldn't afford to. I also continued my plans to redecorate the room that would be Averie's, and put all my extra energy into planning the baby shower. Unfortunately, one of these things has now gone beyond my control.

At work I always knew it was a possibility that I would be asked to return to part time. I was only covering for someone on leave in full time status and was just hoping to fly under the radar until I went on leave at full time. Part of me is ok with stepping down because I knew it would make my Dr and my husband happy to have me off my feet more often. My pocket book however, and some of my pride is not ok with this. I guess I had just hoped it could be more of my idea than a change in circumstance. I didn't mind letting go of the extra stuff in my life, but work has always been a huge deal to me and I didn't want to feel like less of a worker, or that I couldn't keep up. I'm struggling a little with what to do next.

My husband was able to go back to full time at work since he is almost done with school, so financially we are kind of just swapping places. He's happy that I'll be able to be at home more and focus on the baby's room and my health but I am already going crazy thinking about sitting at home, at it won't even happen until next month. I've already put in an application for a part time job hoping they can overlook the fact that I'm 6 months pregnant. It's not even about the money at this point, its the fact that I have no idea how to sit still. Even as I write this I am flashing back to when I was supposed to be on bed rest with Mason for over a month and I spent the entire time technically on my couch... but I was a busy body making everyone Christmas ornaments from scratch, making presents, and anything else I could do while still being able to report back to my Dr with a clear conscience that I wasn't on my feet. I don't know how to turn off... which has served me well in my working career but only made things worse in my personal life.

The other thing I am having a hard time listening to is not being able to work out. I am a very active person, I have always been that way and being restricted to only walking just won't cut it for me. My Dr is somewhat concerned that I have only gained 4lbs this entire pregnancy and I am only a week away from being into my 3rd trimester when most women have already gained 10-15lbs. There is the fact that i started off heavy (for my height) so I don't worry too much about the fact that I haven't gained much weight. However, I'm not where my Dr would like to see me and I'm miserable trying to find a common ground where I am listening to her and making myself happy.

It's like I have two minds working against each other as I go through each of these things. On one hand I'm not exercising the way I used to- I don't go to classes but I'm doing at home exercises that make me feel like I'm at least doing something. I quit all my extra curriculars... but I literally just spent my day off reorganizing our room, moving furniture and redecorating our bathroom. My other days off have been similar as far as activity goes. I agreed to step down at work, only to apply for another part time job. As I see all of this in writing I feel ridiculous, but I know tomorrow won't be any different. How do I learn to let go and follow directions? Is it possible to surrender yourself over to something and actually be happy about it? Right now I'm very doubtful that I'll ever learn this concept of finding a middle ground that won't drive me crazy. Someone please tell me I'm not the only crazy out there with control issues, and that there are ways to happily find the perfect compromise with what I should do vs what I want to do!

Too Many Thanks to Contain

I realize that this post is a few weeks early for Thanksgiving, but I have been feeling an overwhelming amount of gratitude in my life lately that I thought I should make sure I put it out into the universe.

1. Democracy: I honestly don't care which way you choose to vote in the election this week, as long as you voted. Both of my brother's served time in the military a lot of their time was after 9/11 and while I don't personally agree with most of the politics that surround the war. I am forever grateful to them and the men and women who have served or are currently serving our country. I appreciate all the people who worked hard to give me my rights, and for those who work to preserve them. Because of my experiences and decisions regarding Mason you can probably figure out who I voted for, but that's not important. I personally don't believe in taking rights away from people and I love that I live in a country where I am free to express that.

2. 2012: It was no secret that I despised 2012 for most of it's existence. If it was possible to kick a year's ass I would have been first in line. I went through so many changes and experiences that I never thought I would, and somehow managed to come out on top. This is an ongoing process of course... and I'm aware there is still 40+ days in the year, but I feel confident enough to say that 2012 went from practically killing me to becoming my bitch. Somewhere along the line 2012 helped me become the person that I've always hoped I could be. I'm more aware of myself and the most secure I have ever been in my life. I know most of that is from Mason, and I hope he never stops changing me. 2012, you can kiss my ass!

3. Faith: Over the last few years there have been pieces of my faith that I had lost. The lowest point was last January and I honestly thought I would never recover. I thought I would be angry at God forever but God is good, and patient and worked within me in ways I never knew before. Over time I started to allow myself to be in His hands and do His work on me. I stopped resisting for what was convenient and found happiness I never knew before. It's hard to describe what it feels like to have your faith restored but it's one of the greatest things I have to be thankful for. While I still have a hard time actually stepping foot into my church, I know as long as I put my faith in God I will be able to do this again some day. Right now, my relationship with God is a 'home schooled' version if you will, and right now that works for me.

4. My Husband: If I'm allowed to, I could talk about how lucky I am to be married to by best friend. In fact there are many posts where I go on and on about this partner of mine. We aren't perfect by any means, but we do have a remarkable partnership that works for us. I also happen to think he's smoking hot which doesn't hurt things ;) Through this year I found out more than ever that I picked the right person to spend my life with. Whenever he needs to really show up for me in life, he is always there and it usually involves little to no discussion about what we need to do that is right for us. I know this probably won't always be the case, but I hope that we always operate as a team and strive to put each other first. I think that's why some marriages have trouble, because they forget who is important: their partner.

5. My Family: I haven't always had the best relationship with my parents, and I am not particularly close to my siblings. It's sad but sometimes horrible things can bring people together and this year had that effect on my relationship with my family. I thought moving in with my parents and my sister would ruin everything we have built, and there are times that are hard, but for the most part that closeness we have developed has remained in tact. It's something I've always wanted growing up, and now I would do anything to protect it.

6. My Friends: This is where I consider myself extremely blessed. When I didn't have my family the way I do now, I had my friends. One of them, my best friend- and Averie's future Godmother- is the biggest blessing of them all. She is kind, she is smart and we've had the best times of my life together. She has been by my side for more than 8 years... I have known her for over 10 and have had the pleasure of seeing her blossom into this miraculous woman that I can only hope will rub off on Averie. I have had the pleasure of re-connecting with old friends from my childhood over the last few years and I like having a piece of my old self mixed with the person I have become. It's comforting to know you can still rely on the people you did when you were young. I'm not sure if a lot of people have this opportunity, but they should.

7. Averie Belle... my miracle. I know it's not up to her to make me a whole person, but I never felt like I was complete until I felt her kick for the first time. I always thought there were pieces of me that I would never get back. Not only from Mason, but from other parts of my life as well. I love my husband with everything I've ever known, but each day as she grows she grows my heart too. I never knew I could love anyone or anything so much, and I haven't even met her yet. I'm thankful for everything that 2012 has taught me, but I am forever in 2013's debt because it will give me my little girl. When I was young and I pictured myself having kids, it was always a little girl and I am more thankful to God, to the universe, to my husband, to fate... to everything that had a hand in giving me my dream of having a daughter.

There is so much I am thankful for, but those are the top of my list and deserve all the thanks in the world.

All About Us: Halloween Edition

I am a very lucky girl to be married to my very best friend in the whole world. One thing about our relationship that I would never change, is how much fun we have together. We have always been able to have fun just the two of us at home or out and about with friends. One of the things I am also lucky for, is the ability to talk my husband into dressing up each and every Halloween. He has always been a great sport and gone along with whatever crazy idea I came up with. He is so much fun too, because he really takes on whatever character I give him and will help to embellish his costume accordingly. Before we got pregnant this blog was also about us as a married couple and the things I love, Halloween happens to be at the top of the list. I thought it might be fun to share all our past Halloween costumes and reveal this year's.



Our 1st Halloween: 2005 I fell in love with this 70's dress and Kev's only requirement was an afro! We were a huge hit with our families and no one accused us of being too old to trick or treat as we made our rounds in the neighborhood.

 

2006: Nerds! This one is still my favorite. We won every costume contest that year- and Kev's costume was complete with a fanny pack! PLUS we got everything at good will so our costumes combined were less than $20! The inside joke of our costume was that we kept awkwardly making out (that's why he has lipstick all over his mouth)

 

2007: (also the last time i was skinny on Halloween) I forget what we said we were the God's of... at the time we had thought of funny things but they escape me now. Really, I just thought he would look hot (and I was right!) This one didn't take a lot of convincing haha



2008: I took the dress from my goddess costume the year before and sewed little hearts all over it to make me cupid. This was our first year living on our own and didn't have a lot of money. Kev came up with this excellent idea to help us be funny and save some moolah. This is my 3rd favorite costume of all time. (the 2nd is yet to come)





This is me being self indulgent and showing off what I thought was my "mad sewing skills" (I know NOTHING about sewing lol) ... I was pretty proud of my booty heart!

2009: Bumble Bee's and a Bee Keeper.... this costume was Kev's least favorite of all time but I got the vest for Beckham (he was always shivering when we lived by the water) and got inspired by it. Then I found our costumes online and ordered them. Kev didn't know until he opened the mail what we were that year and despite his constant instance he will not be a bee that year- my wonderful guy sucked it up and we were bee-utiful (sorry, couldn't resist) Looking at this photo now, its obviously Beckham wasn't that excited either!


In 2010 I was so sick that it was the only Halloween of my entire life that I didn't dress up. I was devastated but Kev brought me home to the bay area, him and his mom made all my favorite foods and we watched all my favorite Halloween movies. Despite my devastation, complete sickness (and flat out refusal to hand out candy because I didn't want to see everyone else dressed up) I had a pretty good night.

2011: This is how we let everyone know we were pregnant last year with Mason. Kev was a baker from 'Big Daddy Bakery' and I made my costume from scratch- complete with a working oven door and knobs. You cant tell from the photo but the cupcake or 'muffin' as we nicknamed Mason was actually on the shirt I was wearing and the back had his due date. This is my 2nd favorite costume... it would be my 1st had things turned out differently but mostly if it wasn't so hard to make that damned oven!!!




 

2012: Juno! I searched the web high and dry for an inspired pregnancy costume that wasn't typical. All I could find was pregnant nuns and painted belly's. I wasn't about to expose my still-some-of-my-own-fat belly and then my husband remembered one of our favorite movies- Juno. I am in love with Michael Cera (i have a thing for dorks... sorry babe) and this movie is hilarious. As soon as I saw the movie poster I knew it was a done deal. My husband once again was a trooper and agreed to wear too small shorts in October and the rest was pretty easy with Amazon.com and my closet. Even people that didn't know the movie fell in love with my husband's costume. They weren't sure what he was, but they loved it. Then, when we showed them the movie poster they couldn't believe it. It's too bad we didn't enter any costume contests because everyone told us we would have won. It was a great costume, and the fact that it was comfortable was a huge bonus.



So there you have it, almost 8 years of great costumes and a glimpse into our sense of humor.... which will only expand with Averie joining us next year. We are already planning and scheming a way to blow everyone away!

Learning Lessons

Forgive me if this post seems a bit scattered, I am attempting to feverishly write during commercial breaks of game 3 of the World Series (GO GIANTS!!!!) but I didn't want to keep putting it off. I have a special Halloween post planned (so come visit my world again on Wednesday).

Ever sense our major fears have been ruled out for Averie I have found myself obsessing over all the small things that I'm told normal moms with normal pregnancies obsess over. I didn't understand why but all I could do was let these little things fill my mind- not enough to distract me from life- but these little worries kept popping up out of the blue. I started to remember the 1st chapter of Mommywood by Tori Spelling. I thought she was nuts when I was reading about her going on and on about seeing her son Liam's nose in a 4D ultrasound and fretting that he would get her 'pre-surgery honker'. (You can say what you want about her looks or her acting, but that woman LOVES her kids, and that makes me a fan of hers.) Now I kinda understand the mommy cray cray brain lol! Don't get me wrong, I don't let these little things ruin my day but I keep having these dreams that are almost validating my fears.

I keep having dreams that Averie is going to be a giant... my husband is 6 feet tall and I'm barely 5. I keep seeing myself in a hospital bed trying to push out this enormous baby and not being able to and then being rushed off to emergency surgery but I always wake up before I get to see if she's huge. I keep getting freaked out about her nose- we both have larger noses so I'll spend a few minutes a day consumed with fear that she'll have a huge nose and never grow into it. Realistically, both of us didn't come out with huge noses that we had to grow into lol, but it's just something that keeps popping in- and then out again.

I started to re-read Tori Spelling's book just to ease my own mind that I wasn't alone in my irrational fears and then I started to freak out because we had so many similar ones- the one that seems to make everyone laugh is about poop. Yes, I'm writing on my blog about poop. Tori and I both shared the same insane idea of 'what if I'm taking a poop and its a hard one and i have to push- wont the baby think it's time to come out!?' Obviously I have come to my senses but once these silly fears have passed I find them pretty funny. I know I can't be the only one out there with these same dumb fears.

It's like there's all this room in my brain now for all the little things now that all the big things have been relieved. It's kinda nice to know I'm going through what everyone else does. I've been able to really enjoy my pregnancy the last 2 weeks. Before I wouldn't let anyone buy anything for the baby or even talk about my baby shower... I really just wanted to take things by the day I was on but now I feel like I am finally comfortable enough that I've started to make plans for Averie. Thinks like-

-her room: we decided on an under the sea theme since the room she's going into is already a teal-ish blue... less work for mom and dad and my husband is in love with sea creatures, pus I've always loved mermaids... however I don't like Ariel so that's why we're hesitant to say its mermaid themed and we call it under the sea. My 'other parents' have set a great example by the rooms they created for their kids with full on life sized figures painted on the walls of their kids rooms. My husband is an excellent artist and I am pretty good with paint so he'll draw it all out for me and I'll use safe for pregnant mommy paints to create it. We're getting pretty excited doing research and taking strides to making her nursery a reality.

-the baby shower: my husband is the greatest and really wants to be involved. We had a lot of people offer to throw it for us, but I couldn't make a decision because of how big its going to be. We have a million family members and my husband really wants it to be a jack and jill party so all his guy friends can come too. Our obstacles are that it is going to be in the middle of winter (the end of January) and we need enough room for around 70 people, plus I thought it would be awesome to give the guys a 'cigar lounge' area while all the girly games are going on. So the venue needs to be indoor/outdoor. Luckily I have a lot of great people helping me and it should be an event to remember.

-a 5 year plan: we've been trying to figure out if we need to follow our dreams of living on the east coast or if we should stick around now that we're really starting a family. What we came up with is for the next 5 years we will stick around where we are so that family can surround our kids. We would like to start trying for baby #2 when Averie is around 6 months old. Obviously 2 young kids will be a lot to handle and we will need all the help we can get. Right now we're living rent free so we can save up for a house and moving across the country in our current financial situation wouldn't be favorable. However, in about 5 years my husband is hoping to have established himself enough in his industry that moving to the east coast would work in our favor.

-gifts and shopping: before I wouldn't let anyone give me anything because i was so superstitious that I just needed to get through the first 19 weeks. I didn't even buy anything besides the journal i write to her in... but even that only has a few entries. Now that we have passed all the scary stuff I've been enjoying all the adorable things out there for little girls. I have even bought a few jumpers for her and once i let it out that i was ok with moving forward so many of my friends and family have been giving me gifts for Averie. They are all so adorable I can't believe I ever had any reservations about it. With how much of them flooded in I almost feel like everyone was just waiting for the ok lol, and my favorite part is how excited everyone is, and how much love Averie has and she's only been in existence for 5 months. It warms my heart that she will have all these aunties to help her on her journey.

So I should probably explain how I learned a HUGE lesson this week. (Besides learning how to enjoy my pregnancy..) Like I said before, I've been plagued by all these silly irrational fears that it was almost like karma wanted to wake me up. So for the last week or so I've been feeling a TON of pressure right under my belly button and on my back. I figured it was just ligament pain at first but then it kept getting more intense. Instead of it bothering me when I leaned over it was hurting all the time. I was having trouble sleeping because of it even. So eventually I let this little fear plague me enough that I called the doctor.

At first they didn't seem too concerned so I figured it was all in my head. Then the help nurse told me that because of my history she will check with my dr and get back to me. About an hour later she called and said that my dr definitely wanted to see me sooner rather than later. I let them know to schedule it and call me back and I would make it work. Not even an hour later they called me back but this time the nurse was very urgent, she said "You need to get in here NOW, you're having symptoms of preterm labor" and once I heard that I went into panic mode. I asked if she was sure, and she told me to drop what I was doing and get there now.

Luckily I have an AMAZING boss who was super supportive of me having to leave high and dry in the middle of the work day and helped me get out of there as fast as I could. I drove like a maniac over there and went from trying to stay calm to hysterically crying. By the time I actually saw the dr i was a horrible crying mess. Now, all of this from phone call to seeing the dr was maybe 20 minutes but it felt like hours at the time. Once my dr figured out why I was so upset she got pissed- now let me say... my new dr is basically the real life version of Christina Yang from Grey's Anatomy.... no really she even had bad ass biker boots and was wearing all black... she told me she was going to go out there and scream at the nurse who scared the crap out of me.

She told me that she had suggested i come in and that she was happy to squeeze me in, and to come as soon as I could to make sure i wasn't having symptoms of preterm labor. She promised me I would never even have to see that nurse again on my visits to see her. I was relieved but still worried about what could be wrong. The dr explained that when you've had the surgery I have, you don't mess around with a pressure like feeling because I'm naturally a candidate for a weak cervix because of my past surgery. She check it first and said everything was perfect, she measured me and I got to listen to Averie's heart and she reassured me that everything was looking exactly as it should. She also told me that it's probably just ligament pain. I have experienced it before and it felt so different, and she kindly reminded me that I've never reached this far in pregnancy and that I was in for some new aches and pains and unless there was any spotting it wasn't anything to worry about. She told me that she's even seen people come in unable to walk because of ligament pain... which sounded a lot like what I was experiencing at night.

At the end of the visit she kept apologizing for scaring me and gave me her direct line to call her with any questions. She made me feel normal, like I wasn't a crazy person for being concerned but also let me know that I get to do the fun stuff now- that she was ordering me not to worry anymore. When i left all I could think was "thank you God" over and over. It was almost like he was telling me "oh... you want to worry like a crazy person all the time over nothing? Then I'll give you something to worry about to give you perspective/" The message was heard- and learned- loud and clear. I'm going to keep continuing on my normal pregnancy path and worrying about the same things all the other moms out there worry about, and reminding myself its ok... but there is no reason to go overboard.

But seriously... please don't be a giant baby!!!!!.... with a huge honker...

ok, really, i'm done I promise!

Moving On From 18

My horoscope today helped me to solidify the thoughts I've been having and helped me to figure out how to put them into words... Normally I don't put too much into horoscopes but I think they're fun and check mine now and then... today's gave me goosebumps how close it was to my life. Let me share:

"By proceeding stepwise, you can preserve the connection of the new (the future) with the old (the past) and allow one to gracefully transform into the other. You will find surprisingly little resistance using this approach, and expected roadblocks will likely fade away."

I've been struggling with the fact that my pregnancy is coming into uncharted territory. What I mean by that is up to this point (today actually) I have had something to compare this pregnancy to- my last one and there have been sad parts of that, but there was a comforting part too knowing what to expect and knowing what was coming.

Today is the exact point in my pregnancy where we had to say goodbye to Mason. 18 weeks and 2 days is all I got with him. I am of course thankful for each day with him and with this baby but I am full of emotions today. There were points in my day where I didn't think I could make it the rest of the day, where I had to hide my tears from those around me. Then there were points of the day that I was so happy and happy to be talking about Averie.

I realized last night what today would mark and my husband and I had a long talk about it. I worry that one day Averie will realize the timing between her and Mason's due date and feel like she shouldn't be here. Obviously I will do everything in my power to make sure this never happens but I just worry over these things sometimes. My husband is so optimistic and thinks my worries wont ever become a reality. We definitely want Averie to know that Mason is a part of her story but we don't want him to be this looming presence over her. I know he is right and my fears are because I have nothing else to worry about right now... one day I'll be worry free.... right?

I'm hoping the fact that there are no longer things for me to compare these pregnancies will help me to move on a little more and maybe I'll be able to allow myself to actually enjoy this pregnancy. I thought after last week when we were cleared from high risk that this week would be different, that I would be able to enjoy myself a little more but it just hasn't happened yet. I think I may be holding onto Mason more than I should or that I just cant turn my worrying brain off like I had hoped. I'm not really sure what the answer is but I feel like moving past 18.2 physically will help me move past it mentally too. That also makes me a little sad, I liked having what I felt like was a piece of him with me while I've gotten to this point. There is a part of me that doesn't want to move on in a sense... but I know its necessary in the healing process. So its a sad feeling knowing tomorrow I will wake up a day further away from him but a great feeling knowing I'll wake up a day closer to her....

My horoscope gave me hope that knowing that these 2 feelings can merge together and help me move forward, I just hope it's right: that the roadblocks I see ahead will actually fade away.

Sinking In

Today we had the much anticipated ultrasound that answered so many of our questions!!! I am thrilled to announce that we are expecting a baby girl! We have decided her name will be Averie Belle and we couldn't be more excited!!!

While this news is absolutely fantastic the BEST news was that we are no longer in the high risk category!!! We have been released to fully enjoy this pregnancy with no more worries (well mostly- we are approaching uncharted territory for me lol).

It's still not fully sunken in that everything is ok... I went  into this appointment thinking no matter what we will take it and make it work. I had convinced myself that even if they found anything abnormal we would figure out a way to make it all work out. Luckily, they said everything looked absolutely perfect! I'm still having a hard time believing it, but I know it will sink in and I can let go of most of my fears. There is no magic want to wave and change your way of thinking after over a year of being fear obsessed and terrified, but I know it will come.

I should backtrack a little to answer some of the questions I got today... a lot of people wanted to know what was going through my mind when we heard it was a girl. Well, at first they said it may be a boy and once again this "aww man" escaped me before I could even stop it. My husband was mortified with me and i immediately felt ashamed for my initial reaction. Then as I was getting excited to tell everyone we were having a Logan Reilly the tech confirmed that it was actually a girl- her first guess was correct. Then the doctor came in to confirm and I immediately started crying. I almost didn't believe them that I get to have my Averie Belle.

I wish I could explain how and why I so badly wanted a girl, but i just did in my heart. I prayed for it, I put the vibes out there, I felt like it was a girl and I am so thankful to have been right and to have gotten what I've always dreamed for. So many of the kids in our families are guys- us girls are heavily out numbered and I just wanted one girl to know I could have a girl. I'll have 10 more and they can all be boys, I just really wanted one girl.

Then the doctor went over all my test results and told me that we have a 1 in 100,000 chance of the baby having triasomine 18 (forgive me if that's not written correctly) or downs. This is all good news. There were no traces of neural tube defects at all. I was trying to contain my emotions until she showed us a very clear image of the baby's spine and everything looked perfect. As soon as I saw it I knew we were going to be ok. It never occurred to me that I could make a healthy baby until I saw that gorgeous spine. I know that sounds silly, but I really was convinced that we were incapable of creating a problem-free child. I can't tell you how much it means to me to be wrong. It's simply magical.

The first thing we did was tell the people we knew we wanted to ask to be the baby's godparents. To our delight they both accepted right away and were absolutely thrilled. Then we called our parents to tell them the great news. They were all thrilled as well... I think they were all hoping for a girl as much as I was. Actually, I know my mom was haha she could  hardly contain her preference in the weeks leading up to this appointment. Then we started texting people who have been right there with us along the way, and then we put up these pictures on our facebook and instagram accounts...

There are no words to describe how grateful my husband and I for all the people that already love our baby. We feel so blessed to know that everyone we love and care about are already showing support for our little Averie... it truly left us speechless... and me an overly emotional wreck! After everything we have been through in 2012, we are thrilled that this is how the year is ending... with all of our dreams coming true and with Mason watching over all of us.

Appointments

With all my focus surrounding this upcoming Tuesday's ultrasound I forgot to update on what has been going on with me physically. This pregnancy has been really different from my last, and while I have spent a significant amount of time feeling perfectly healthy I have lost more and more weight than I did with Mason, which is strange to me since I could keep nothing down for months.

Before I got pregnant with Mason I was over 150lbs (which is a lot for this 5'0 girl) and I lost 20lbs with him. In the months after he left us I put a lot of effort into Operation Baby Farm... and that included putting more effort into improving my eating habits and increasing my exercise routine. I have kept to both of those even after I learned I was pregnant. I understand that women have cravings while pregnant, but I don't think turning into a garbage disposal is appropriate for me. So I make an effort that if i am going to indulge it isn't in large amounts. I also get full really quickly so I haven't had much success finishing any meals. The perk to that is I am hungry again in a few hours so I guess it's good for my metabolism.

I was at the point of exercising a few times a week while being mindful of what I ate (for the most part-not trying to claim to be perfect here) and I have continued to lose weight each week. I only use the scale in my bathroom. In fact, I completely ignore the one at the doctors office because it is always different than what my constant scale at home says. I'm a big believer in sticking to one scale when you are being mindful of the ups and downs of your weight. According to my scale I've lost about 15-20 pounds since I found out I was pregnant. It's weird because everywhere else is slimming down but my belly has swollen up to make me look further along than I actually am. I wonder what I would look like without my belly and how skinny I would actually look.

I can't say I'm hating it, because when I first started gaining weight I focused on how my jawline would disappear and I finally have my jaw line back! I was worried though that my baby was somehow suffering from all the weight loss but my doctors kept reassuring me that I am just living healthy while many women use pregnancy as an excuse to eat everything and gain way more. So I felt confident I was making the right decisions.

Then the last few weeks I've been having really horrible migraines. Migraines are something I've been suffering with in my entire adult life, but pregnancy has been known to make headaches more intense. I finally got a chance to go into the doctors after not sleeping for almost 30 hours to try and get some answers. They told me it was ok to take vicodin- something I had been avoiding because I thought it would be bad for the baby. The dr insisted that not doing anything, not sleeping and not being able to keep any food down for days on end would do worse than taking a vicodin. (My migraines usually make me sick to my stomach even without the help of pregnancy hormones and this latest one was no different.)

My dr also suggested that I see a neurologist just to make sure everything looks ok. The other thing she did voice concern with was my weight loss which totally took me by surprise since they just spent months telling me not to worry about it. She isn't so concerned that she wanted to take drastic measures- my head always seems to go there- but she wanted me to see a specialist to make sure that I am getting what I need to. She explained that no matter what I put in my body the baby gets it first and I basically get what's left over. She was more worried that I was suffering... which I didn't get. My first instinct is if the baby is fine then who the heck cares about me? I know that isn't the most rational way of thinking but its how my brain was working at the time.

I knew I was being healthy, and my dr knows I am being healthy... so why do i have to see a specialist? I'm a little nervous about it, but as I think more and more about it I'm excited to see what they suggest. I got a juicer from a friend and have been researching recipes (and have failed at a few attempts) because I figured it was the best way to get nutrition into me in the morning while I am going through morning sickness. Yes, at 16 weeks I am still feeling the morning sickness but it's a walk in the park compared to what I went through with Mason so I try not to complain. I'm trying to look at these upcoming appointments with optimism because really I just don't have any room in my brain for anything else.

So now I go back to being consumed by counting down the days until Tuesday, but as always, I will keep you all informed on how these turn out.

3 MORE DAYS!!!!!

Full Circle

We have officially come full circle in our baby journey. At this point last time I had just taken my 2nd trimester genetic screening tests and a few days later I got a phone call saying we tested high for neural tube defects. Then I spent a week waiting for my appointment that would change our lives forever.

A few days ago I took the tests for the 2nd trimester screening again. This time is a little different... I didn't get a call a few days later revealing anything, but I still have to wait a week to go in for our level 2 ultrasound. At this point last time i was doing everything BUT writing or talking about it, and I figured this time I should try to do things differently. This ultrasound is really important... normally women get to go in at 20 weeks to find out the sex of their baby... this ultrasound is a level 2 for post test results, my "20 week" (that's in quotes because I'll only be 17 weeks at that point) and my pre-transfer check up.

Lets go through each one and why they are significant....
1. Level 2 and results... this is the part I'm having the hardest time dealing with. I can't help but feel like I did last time... like I am stuck waiting to see which way my life will go. Something is different this time though.. with Mason i saw all of it. I saw the future where I had to explain to people what was going on and what was going to happen. I could see us telling my parents, I could see myself stuck in bed with depression. I saw it all... this time I don't see anything. I'm not sure how to take it.... I'm not sure if its my brain trying to help me with self-preservation or if the small part of me that believes that unexplained things can happen and I can't see anything because there isn't anything to see.

It's so hard to let myself get excited, it has been the whole time. I get moments where I feel completely lucky and blessed and let myself go... but there are more moments where I feel like I can't get excited until I know everything's ok. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to, and there is a love that I can't even begin to describe... but I have a hard time making any plans for the future because I feel like I just can't yet.

2. 20 week ultrasound at 17 weeks. I am hoping more than anything that we will be able to see the sex of the baby. I don't know why but I feel like even if there is something wrong, i just NEED to know if there is an Averie or a Logan in my belly. It's just this overwhelming need that I must know. I don't know why... and it should probably be analyzed by a professional at some point lol but it's just very important to me to know. I am a little nervous because we are doing this appointment 3 weeks early (at the dr's insistence) that the baby won't be in a position where we will be able to tell. All things considered... I guess I would find a way to be ok with it.

3. Transferring hospitals. My insurance is in a contract dispute with the hospital I had originally planned to deliver at. Which also means I need to transfer doctors offices because my current one only delivers at the now off-limits hospital. I am nervous that this new location won't know me like my current one does. The only good thing is that it's the same group of doctors so I don't have to do any additional work- all my files and my entire history stays in the same database. I've gotten better about talking about what we have been through, but I know that first appointment will be difficult.

I know i have to face all of these things, and I know that I can. See, the one thing I know about myself now is that I can do anything. I can get through anything, especially with my husband by my side but even knowing these things... it's so hard not to be scared. I want to be brave for this baby, and I want to have positive thoughts and energy and prayers out there but there are moments... like right now... that I don't want to be brave. I want to just be scared and stay in bed and allow myself to go through these feelings, because I know what happens when you don't. I never want to hide in my fear again, and this blog... my friends... my family... my husband... they make going through this, and living outside my fears possible. So maybe my circle is actually broken because I feel like things could be different this time... but for now, we wait.

7 days.

Making Moves

There has been lots of construction going on at our place... this is one of the reasons we moved in with my parents, to help them with this process. That also means lots of shuffling things around to accommodate mess as the mess moves. A few days ago I was cleaning our room trying to maximize space and came across the journal I purchased for this baby right after I found out I was pregnant and realized that I still haven't written in it. I'm not really sure what it was that I was waiting for... I think maybe to make sure all the tests came back normal. There are still days when I don't feel pregnant at all and I forget that I am (I know that sounds bizarre) but this pregnancy is SO different that the way I'm feeling isn't forced on me at all times... hopefully that makes sense.

I started to think about the box full of Mason's things that was sitting in the garage in a stupid Home Depot box and it just didn't sit well with me. I went out and got a box that I could keep inside that would blend in with our decor and I could get to it easily if I ever wanted. I took out the journal for Mason and realized that the last time I wrote to him was in January. It kind of took me by surprise because I find myself having little conversations with him (no i don't hear voices- you can keep the straitjacket at bay for now) and I feel connected to him every day that it didn't even occur to me to write in his journal.

I've been staring at both of these journals knowing I should write in them and I just kept putting it off. Nothing against my husband but I always wrote in Mason's when I was alone and lately we have had most nights together so the time just wasn't right. I knew today that he had to work late and thought it would be a good idea for me to try. So, I sat and stared at both of them for a while... not really knowing where to start. I worry that this baby will feel like the only reason it's here is because Mason isn't and that kills me. I want this baby to know how much we want it and love it and are so happy that it came to us- no matter how unexpected- and what a blessing he or she is.

Finally, I put on my big girl panties and started writing. I thanked Mason for watching over all of us and for him helping me learn and grow into the person I want to be for my children. I thanked him for everything he has taught me so far, and for the feeling I get sometimes when I know everything is going to be ok. I told him to watch over his brother or sister and I promised him that they would know who he was and how he is a part of their story.

Then I started my first entry in the new journal. I started off telling the baby how loved it is and how excited everyone we know is. I also apologized for taking so long to write to them... that it was hard to figure out where to begin. I wrote about me and my husband and our story (the easy part) and then I started on the harder part- of explaining everything about Mason and that one day he or she could read Mason's journal if they wanted, but that was up to them. That Mason's story doesn't have to be all of theirs, but understanding that he is a piece of it. Since I made a point in Mason's journal to talk about how he was planned I wanted to let this baby know that while they arrived a little ahead of plan, it wasn't a mistake- i wanted them to know that they were the best surprise we could have ever asked for.

Then I started to move Mason's things from the stupid Home Depot box into his box. It was easier than I thought it would be, probably because it felt right. Of course there were some tears shed, but more from me not wanting to put the journal in the box yet. I just stood there and held it and allowed those few moments to feel whatever it was that I was feeling and to let out the tears I had been holding in while I was writing. When I was done I felt lucky to have these physical things that I could touch and see whenever I wanted. I know that for some, this isn't a luxury they have and I felt very grateful in that moment for these items... and I decided to share them, because sharing our story has helped me heal and if I can help someone else out there in the process, that's the best thing that can come out of my experiences.

 

There are only a few things in here. We made an effort to only put the things that were specifically give to us or bought for Mason. We have:

 -A Dr outfit and sneakers we were going to bring him home from the hospital in

-A burp cloth and matching beanie covered in duckies (we were going to go for an animal theme)

-A cream colored hand made blanket my sister in law (to show support of us not wanting to find out the sex initially)

-Mason's journal, of course

-The giraffe I slept with that my mom got me after we lost Mason... I just feel like it should be with him.



And this is where it will reside while we live in this house. One day when we have a house of our own we will keep it somewhere like the living room where we can easily get to it... I just never want it to be stored in a closet or something. Right next to it is the new baby's journal... I know it sounds corny but I just wanted them to be near each other. Right now I can see it in from my bed and right when I walk into the room and after having it there for just a few hours I already feel better. I feel better knowing it's there and that I can get to it easily, and it also feels like some weight has been lifted after writing in both journals.

I feel proud to have gotten through something that I thought would be hard, that ended up making me feel better than when I started.

Foundations

Last Saturday I spent my evening at my best friend's side during the Lauren's Ride kickoff dinner. I wrote about the event in my last blog, I also included links to get more information on the non-profit to get my best friend an adapted vehicle. You can re-fresh your mind on the cause here it was amazing to sit in a room absolutely full of people all with the same goal: to get my girl Lauren a ride and some much needed (and deserved) independence.

I was blown away by her bother John's speech describing his journey through this process and his anxious energy about starting his bicycle journey across the country. I was impressed with his mother's words of encouragement and the love she showed for her two kids. I was even more taken and lets face it, inspired by Lauren who took the room in her hands and basically made us all putty... i think the world of her- I mean she IS my best friend after all- but she can command a room like no one else, and she had us all captivated with every word that came out of her mouth. I was so inspired that I went home and was literally buzzing with positive energy.

They are still trying to figure out how much they raised at the dinner, for sure they made thousands... and there was a hint of being in the double digits... i seriously can't wait to find out how we did... i was taken aback by the generosity in that room and my heart was so full... i don't know how to describe it, i truly felt like i was part of something important and my only job of the night was to sit with Lauren ;) it's just amazing to me what people can accomplish when they work together.

I've been trying to figure out what my next step is... see, I was so inspired by the dinner that I thought more seriously than before about my idea for a foundation for women like me. I couldn't believe when we were being faced with the toughest decision of our lives, we also had to figure out a way to come up with $6,000 in a days notice. The alternative would have been to just wait for the second trimester miscarriage or even worse early labor... all the while my son being in pain.

I still get emotional thinking about telling my dad what insurance had said, and without even a minute going by he told us not to worry about it, that he would take care of the cost. When we tried to pay him back, he wouldn't let us... he was perfectly fine being our hero. My parent's aren't made of money, I don't remember ever struggling growing up but I know that dropping $6000 was not an easy task. I still don't know how he did it or where he got it from but that day he was Mason's angel.

I want to be someone's angel.

I want women like me who are given an impossible choice and only want to do what is best for their children to have someone to turn to when insurance deems them unfit. I want couples like us to be able to have options and have one less thing to worry about. I remember i posted on facebook that i wanted to start a foundation for couples who are ready to start trying again, that sent them on vacation somewhere so they could reconnect and not have the pressure on. So many of my friends were supportive, and it made me think of all the people like me who didn't have that same support. I want to be all of these things, but I'm not really educated on how to start things like this.

I am scared though, that people will take what I want to do into a negative context. I don't want to be seen as someone who promotes the 'easy way out' (like some have told me) or anything like that. I know I'm not alone, I know there are women out there who have been in the same situation as us, and just wanted to do what they felt was right for their child. I want to be the person they can turn to and I want to be able to help them. It's just something I've been thinking about for some time but after seeing John and Lauren's idea become a reality... well it's hard not to be inspired to try and add more compassion and love to the world.

I'll be doing research, and maybe one of my future blogs will have more insight. Mason changed me in so many ways, I want to make him proud of his mommy and maybe this is one way I can.

A Cluster Update

It's been weeks since I've been able to update... which is a good thing, because I am pretty busy... but then a bad thing because I (sometimes) pre-plan blogs and the other topics occur to me and it seems like too much time goes by before I can get them all out. So I decided to write one blog with all the things that have been swirling around in my head the last few weeks... and a few life updates as well.

Lets start with the most recent. I had my 12 week appointment with the Family Medical Foundation that deals with all the prenatal screening I did 2 weeks ago. I wrote about it in my previous post, and had to wait 2 whole weeks- patience is not one of my strenghts- and they did an ultrasound to do a test called Neuchal Translucency. Basically they look for the fluid behind the neck and measure it and if its a certain size then there are more tests to do. I have good news here: all my prenatal screening came back normal as well as the NT test. We even go to see the baby moving around like crazy and stretching. The ultrasound tech even said if she had to guess she thinks we are having a girl. She made sure to tell us its too soon to be sure and made us promise not to go out and by anything but it did cause us to try to nail down a girls name.

If its a boy, we are going to name him Logan Reilly (Reilly is my husband's middle name too) and if its a girl I am really torn between Averie Belle (I just really love Beauty and the Beast) and Aubrie Kira (Kira is my middle name) we even took to facebook to ask our friends to help, but it came back pretty much down the middle. We keep yelling the names to see if they sound right and I'm constantly saying them in my head to see if something feels more comfortable... hopefully we will have a decision soon... i like things to be planned out and set well in advance.

Today is our 2 year secret anniversary. We eloped to Reno and got married 6 months before our huge wedding. I wrote about it in a previous post here We have talked about celebrating our wedding anniversary on today's date in case the baby decides to be born a day late... so for some reason we felt the need to start today... my husband and i sent sweet texts to each other all day (our schedules were sadly completely opposite today). Last year we went on a date to acknowledge the date, but this year I think we're just happy enough being in a good place, nothing else really needs to happen.

A few months ago a very good friend of my suffered a miscarriage. Another good friend of mine is currently going through one as well. I really think if I hadn't experienced everything with Mason these two people, while we obviously care about each other, might not have let me in on what was going on and their feelings surrounding it. Of course we would all like to think our friends would be there for us no matter what but sometimes, like in these situations, its hard to know who to open up to. I've been feeling lately that the reason I went through all this, was to help others going through similar situations. I am not trying to toot my own horn, obviously my input would not make or break their grieving and healing process... but it does make me uniquely qualified to have some understanding of what is going on. I feel honored that these women feel like they can talk to me, even if I don't feel like I'm really helping.. I carry a hope that being able to ask me questions or compare our experiences helps them in some way.

I have prayed about this for so long, and I really think God put me here specifically to help someone else through things like this. Kind of like a right time/right place thing but more like a right person/right understanding situation. I have moments where I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be for a reason... and when these incredible women are opening up to me, i feel it the most, and its such a humbling experience and I'm so thankful and grateful.

There are also people that I think I was meant to meet, people that have changed my life for the better with their unique understanding of the situations I've been in. One of those people is my best friend. Normally on my blog of 6000+ readers a month I try to at least keep anonymity for those around me (besides my husband haha) but this time I wanted to share something with my readers because they can make a difference... My best friend Lauren is a quadriplegic who is ready to transfer colleges and start making a difference. She is going to change the world one day, but she needs a car to be able to do so. Her brother, John, is riding his bike from the San Francisco Bridge to the Brooklyn Bridge in an attempt to raise money to buy his sister an adapted vehicle.

Lauren is one of those people that always puts others before herself, she is incredibly kind, and one of the most intuitive people I have ever met. She's one of those people that really sees who you are and embraces you, flaws and all. I've known her for over 10 years and we have been so blessed to have her in our life. She was going to be Mason's god mother because I couldn't think of anyone else I wanted my children to learn about life from.

I could go on and on about her and her heroic brother and the ride that kicks off on September 9th, but you can also go to their website and learn more for yourself. You can even visit the media page and see some articles I've written for the the Newark Patch or go here for a direct link to the blogs I've written for their cause. Check out their page, like them on their facebook, and spread the word. Even if you donate $10 it makes a world of difference to them. Heck, spreading the word will do so much! I even made a page on facebook called Lauren and Ellen Should be BFFs to try and get Ellen Degeneres' attention on the ride. Check it out, you won't be sorry ;)

I think that's it for now... I hope my readers have had a great 2 weeks and I promise not to have so long in between blog posts ;)

Anxious

I thought I was doing amazing, and then I had my 10 week appointment today and I was unpleasantly surprised how nervous and anxious I felt all day. I literally had a hard time taking a deep breath all day during work (I had an afternoon appointment) and I do this nervous foot shaking thing that is mostly absentminded but sometimes I have to make an effort to make it stop. I knew I was nervous about this appointment but I guess I didn't realize just how nervous I really was.

The thing that threw me for a loop was the nurse we had today. It was the nurse I mentioned here that wouldn't look me in the eye when we went into our pre-surgery appointment. It seemed odd to me that we was being overly friendly until she made a comment that she remembered me. I wasn't quite sure how to take it- did she remember the part where she refused to look me in the eye and judged me too? Or did she remember that after everything we went through, and seeing the support from some of the other staff I felt compelled to write a note to the staff thanking them for their kind words and support and making sure to reference the time that she treated me so horribly? Either way I just felt uncomfortable with her over-niceness and that she was the one handling all my concerns today.

When she took my blood pressure it was high... 120 she even made a comment that I'm too little to have such high blood pressure and asked me if I was anxious. Of course I was anxious! Her being my nurse today didn't help anything. When she asked how much testing I wanted to do today I told her everything- order everything and she did the smallest laugh... and i didn't know how to take it. Was she nervous so she was trying to lighten the situation or is she just a bitch? Either way I knew I would be fighting the urge to cry the rest of my appointment, and sure enough I was.

In my last pregnancy I missed the 1st trimester period where you can do genetic testing- mainly because I didn't know it was available to me. This time I knew I wanted a full work up- in fact it was something my midwife tried to lighten the mood with- she knew how anxious I was. There are small moments in time where I am completely thankful for the people that surround me, even if its for a very small amount of time. My midwife is very sweet and is really funny and she knew before she even came into the room how nervous I was and tried her best to make me feel better.

She succeeded by telling me over and over that whatever I'm feeling is OK and I 'get to feel that way after what I've been through' and that I can call and bug her as much as I want to. She asked me about my blood pressure and I told her I was just nervous about the test results. I joked that maybe I'll feel better once they come back and she picked up on how I was trying to smile during a hard time and told me that typically people in my situation don't relax until I'm holding the baby. She also told me it's OK.

To be honest I haven't felt this kind of anxiety in such a long time that it completely took me by surprise, and even more so that it was showing in my BP... normally I convince myself that things are in my head so when they actually showed concern it made me pay attention. Like I've said in the past, this pregnancy is different and I take each day as it comes but I know that I'll be OK. I am more comfortable with letting myself feel things that maybe I don't like, and I know that I will be better once the test results come back. I just have to wait a little bit...

See... they have a new test that gives the same results as an amniocentesis but the test is much less invasive... like no foot long needle going into my stomach less invasive and they want to send me to do that test at a separate facility. They are also going to do a detailed ultrasound to make sure everything looks good. At this point I don't even care if our insurance covers it, I'll find a way to pay for it, I just want to be sure that I'm exhausting every avenue that is available to me. If my situation can help someone realize how important 1st trimester genetic testing is, then it's all worth it. Even if you would make a different decision than I did, knowledge is power and when your educated on what your going to be facing it makes a world of difference.

So now I wait for this other facility to call me and I will hopefully go in next week. The test can be done at 11 weeks so it should all work out perfectly. They will even tell me all the results of my blood tests from today. Because my BP was high I decided to skip my normal Tuesday/Thursday Zumba class and try to relax. So here I am trying to get every last worry out of my head so I can try to enjoy some time at home with my hubby and my animals. The one great thing from my appointment today was getting to hear the baby's heart beat. It just eased so much of my worries and the look on my husbands face, well that can make almost anything better.

Because I needed to have a therapeutic writing session you can expect an influx of blogs from me this week- I had already preplanned 2 other topics to write about... they just got bumped a little for my little bump ;) I hope everyone else had a great, low BP day!

Not Afraid

If I hear one more person tell me how surprised they are that I can keep up with physical activity I'm going to slap them.

I realize that I am not as small and skinny as I once was, but in my opinion I am healthier than when I was super skinny. I eat healthy, I exercise at a MINIMUM of 3 times a week- in fact sometimes I exercise every day of the week and I feel great (despite pesky pregnancy symptoms). When I was super skinny I had horrible eating and sleeping habits and was skinnier more from stress than anything.

So, when I am at a zumba class, or I go for a run, or do my workout videos or I am able to keep up on a simple walk I can't help but get annoyed when those things that are regular for me, and easy for me and met with awe and surprise that I was able to do them. I'm young, I'm healthy and yes, I'm pregnant and guess what... I can still do the things I've been doing for months and months and frankly I find the shock from others a little insulting. I am a short girl so my extra pounds are a little more evident but I wouldn't consider myself 'fat'. I don't have rolls, I hardly have cellulite, I don't run out of breath easily, I actually think I look fit- it just may be a larger version that the magazines or society show you... but I think I do well with what I have, and I do my best to take care of it.

I do understand that others have concerns when I work out the way I do while I'm pregnant but don't you think that after everything I've been through I've done my research and I know what is ok? Don't you think I would have made sure to have this conversation with my doctor before going at it? Despite my appearance, I am in better shape than most people I encounter.

I seem to remember a similar post in my last pregnancy when I was irritated with the amount of stuff that gets shoved onto you when your pregnant but then I wasn't healthy, and i didn't do all the research that I do now. I find it insulting and irritating the amount of times people try to tell me what I can and can't do. I think I know better than anyone else what I am capable of, and here is news for you: I'm not going to go through this pregnancy afraid of what I can and can't do. I've taken all the precautions and ya know what, I still didn't get my happy ending.

I'm not sure when, but somewhere along this journey I've stopped being afraid. I guess a part of me subconsciously decided that I didn't need to feel scared the whole time and it's allowed me to actually enjoy my pregnancy. Granted, I'm only 9.5 weeks along but so far its been an entirely different 9.5 weeks than with Mason, and I am embracing those differences instead of being terrified of them.

Right after we lost Mason, I made predictions that I wouldn't be able to breathe or concentrate if I ever got pregnant again, and I'm here to tell you I was wrong. (Someone write this date in the calendar because that doesn't happen very often- just don't tell my husband.) I'm happy, and I'm confident in my decisions so far, I just feel different. I'm not sure I can explain it... but I guess I feel like I have gone through so much and if all of that was just to live my life scared of everything... well something would be wrong with that. I think everything happened with Mason to wake me up. I lived so much of my life scared even before he came into my life... and he changed me, at first I thought for the worse... but really it was for the better. I went through all that so I could help other people when they go through it, I went through all that so that I could grow, I went through all that so in this pregnancy I wouldn't be afraid.

I guess that's why I get so defensive when people tell me what I can and can't do... because they have no idea what I'm capable of... heck even I didn't know. I just know that I'm living each day as it comes and I'm no longer afraid for the day that it all hits me... because IF that day even comes I know I can handle it, I feel like I can do anything because Mason helps me every single day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my son, but I'm not always sad like before. In the short time he was in my life he gave me so much to be thankful for, and so much strength that was inside me that I never even knew I had, and he helps me every day as I go through this pregnancy to be extremely thankful for the baby that's growing inside me.

I know I've said it before, but I know he is watching over us, protecting our little family and I can't wait to share the journal I kept for Mason with this little brother or sister and I think I'm finally ready to start a new journal for this baby. Although this pregnancy was a surprise I want our baby to know how happy we are and how wanted they are... and how we weren't afraid.