Anxiously Awaiting Answers

It's been about 2 weeks since my last update, but I haven't had any news to report. Unfortunately I still don't.... which for an Aries like me is almost torture haha... we aren't known for our patience.

My husband and I went to our ultrasound yesterday. In the weeks leading up to it our Dr and Midwife had said not to get our hopes up and had explained that we wouldn't actually get any results at the actual ultrasound but we might get an idea from the tech, but nothing would be in stone. It takes a few days for the different doctors to review the ultrasound results so we are now (doing our best) to wait patiently.

Late last night I did get the initial results from the ultrasound but me not being trained in any sort of medical field had no clue what they meant. It was literally just the stats with no message from my Dr attached. So, naturally, I posted the picture of them on my facebook and hoped one of my many mommy or nurse friends had some insight. Here they are (and I'll do my best to explain what they mean based on my friend's comments...

See how at the very top it says "large for dates" that initially had me worried but as I looked at all the measurements and how they stood against weekly comparisons. There was really only one that was large, and it was only by a day. When we went in I was 37 weeks, 1 day. Everything else seemed exactly on point or smaller. I didn't want to get my hopes up but here are some of the things my friends said (keeping their privacy of course- I am just going to write the medical portions of the comments)

Friend 1 (a nursing student): 6lb 7oz baby, all results normal and great, head down.
Bpd=bi parietal diameter, fl= femur length, Hc= head circumference, ac= abdominal circumference at the bottom it shows how far along you are but they usually don't use late pregnancy measurements to decide that.

 

Friend 2 (a rocking mommy): Placenta is located on the front side of your uterus and is not covering your cervical opening. Well, your cervix has some dilating to do, but that is perfectly normal for your first birth.

Friend 3 (a labor and delivery nurse): Means you should rock your vaginal delivery!

 

Based on their predictions I'm hoping for the news I crave from my Dr. Every time my phone goes off my heart beats a mile a minute but so far it's just been emails to aid my shopping addiction...humm I do need to be distracted....

 

Thankfully, I have found myself living in a zen-like emotional space the last few days... either way it'll be fine but of course I am still hoping and praying for a vaginal delivery. I've let go of the natural delivery I've been so focused on, and just want what is best for Averie. (Although I find it incredibly irritating when people feel the need to remind me of this- I think I of all people know that a healthy baby is what is important but that doesn't mean I can't hope and want things to go a certain way) If I am blessed with the news I desire I'll still have to be induced early and if that happens bring on the drugs! I'm not sure how it works out timing wise for that option, since inducing can still be a long process. We were just told sometime between the 11th and the 18th... I'll be happy to nail down a date quickly if we are given the option since so many of our family is coming from out of town.  

 

If we have to have a C-Section we had to pick a day when my particular OB would be at the hospital (there is a 24 hr rotation for all the OB's at my practice) and that means Averie would share a birthday with her very understanding auntie. But it also means she gets a super cool birth date- 3/13/13 ;)

 

So... we wait... and wait... and freaking wait... in all seriousness, despite the waiting I get more and more excited thinking about how close our baby is to coming. It's kinda weird to think it won't just be me and my hubby anymore and each day it gets less terrifying. We're even getting our family involved in a 'who will she look like?' pool (more on that later). We're doing everything we can to make these last few weeks fun and help the time go by. I seriously can't wait to meet our little girl!!!

Time To Process

I've had almost a week to process everything I wrote in my last post. Things are different, but do I feel any differently? Not really. I still want a C-Section about as much as I want to rip off my toe nails. I did however, get a chance to talk with my new therapist about why this is affecting me so much.

I've written before about my decision to start seeing a new therapist and have no problem discussing it. I think therapy is something most people could benefit from, but I also understand that a lot of people are uncomfortable talking about it. I love it. Honestly, it always reassures me that I'm at least trying to do the right things and it's really nice to have an unbiased opinion. Therapists don't always tell you what you want to hear, and I think that is a good thing. I hope that by me talking about my experiences in therapy it helps someone who's been considering it to take that first step- honestly you won't regret it. Besides, not talking about the hard things is far more damaging than the things you think are damaging you. (That little gem is all me.. re-read it a couple times for it to make sense lol)

I've been seeing her for a few weeks now and I really like her. She makes me feel like everything I'm going through is normal, a lot like the couples trauma counselor my husband and I saw immediately after our loss. I got the same feeling of being immediately comfortable and trusting her right away. It's a strange thing to have your therapist constantly tell you that you're doing everything right, that your feelings are valid...especially when that little voice in the back of your head just tells you you're a nut job. For some reason I feel the need to clarify that I'm not hearing voices haha! I'm talking of course about self doubt. There is also the fact that I have a hard time shaking off those that tell me I'm over reacting or question why a C-Section would be the worst thing. I don't like having to justify myself to people so this is something I struggle with. Am I doing something wrong in the first place if there are people who tell me I'm bonkers for even caring about this?

Anywho- back to the therapist... she reinforced what I already knew: no, I am not over reacting and no, I don't actually have to justify myself to people... and that feels good! She also explained that no matter how good of a place I might be in surrounding Mason- practically ANY complication or hiccups in this pregnancy are going to tap into the emotions tied into my last pregnancy. At first, I thought maybe she was crazy because in my mind one doesn't connect with the other. One had decisions that we had to make and one has decisions that are essentially out of my control. Apparently, the literal comparisons don't really matter... she explained that it all comes from the same emotional place.

I took a few days to think about what she said and let it really sink in. Then I re-read my last post and saw what I had written about regretting not delivering Mason. There it was, in black and white and I had forgotten that those words had come out of me. That was it though... I need to work through those feelings so I don't carry them over in case I don't get to deliver Averie the way I want. Reading those words also helped me understand what my therapist was saying- weather I like it or not things from Averie's pregnancy are going to tap into Mason's and there isn't much I can do about it. What I can do is recognize it, and try to work through it... and the biggest part? Forgive myself. That sounds strange when I say it out loud but it makes sense... I did everything I was supposed to, and if it doesn't end the way it should, I have to forgive myself because there are things I just can't control.

She also made me promise to allow myself to grieve if things don't go as planned. That concept still seems strange to me too but she said "if you feel it, it's right and it's valid, and you don't have to apologize for it" so I've been trying to keep that in mind as I've experienced all different emotions this week. She told me that many mom's who have to have an unplanned C-Section grieve the loss of that experience. It's an experience that can't be replicated, and a lot of people experience sadness over not being able to have it.

I realize as I talk to more and more moms that everyone feels differently about it. I have always been someone to appreciate different perspectives, but it still hasn't changed mine. Some moms love their C-Section experience and wouldn't trade it for a vaginal delivery, and some have opened up to me and told me that they wish they could know what it's like to deliver vaginally but at least as they have more kids they know what to expect with another C-Section when vaginal births are SO different from one to the next. Lots of women are happy not to feel the pain of a vaginal delivery too... and while I'm the biggest wimp when it comes to pain I find myself sad about having to miss that part too.

My therapist did help me figure out what plan I want to go with regarding Averie's delivery... I am going to wait until our 37 week ultrasound and see what Averie's stats are: position, weight ect before I make a decision. I am not going to attempt to turn her. It was hard for me to take that option off the table, because I am one of those people that needs to exhaust every single option before giving up... and I know a part of me will constantly play the 'what if' card if I end up having a C-Section... but I also know that a bigger part of me will feel defeated if I go through his painful procedure only to have her be too large for me to deliver myself. So that's where we stand right now.

I'm paying close attention to where I feel her move to see if I notice any differences... and I honestly do feel like I've felt her move at the top and bottom of my stomach at the same time (which would indicate a head-down position) but I think I'm just too eager to take those movements too seriously at this point and can't be trusted.

I feel good about the direction we've decided to go, and I know that I have the support I need if things still don't go according to plan. Between my husband and my wonderful therapist I know I'm in good hands.

The C-Word

I have never in my life despised hearing a single word as much as I despise hearing this word. It doesn't go away either... every time I think I get away from it a little bit and I'm in the clear... BAM... the C-word comes and punches me in the face yet again. It's a dirty mofo of a word and I swear if I go the rest of my life without hearing it- it'll still be too soon.

Of course I'm talking about Cesarean. That stupid word... it IS going to be the death of me.

Perhaps I should back up a bit... my last few doctor appointments have been going well and that dirty little word hasn't been brought up at all....until today. In fact last week I lost a pound and this week I stayed at the same weight... so my total weight gain for this pregnancy is still at 7lbs but somehow I have a giant baby growing inside of me. I get that I'm small so I look bigger... I get that I have GD which usually causes bigger babies BUT I was told that going through all this crap would work in my favor. Doing all the testing, scheduling, eating, exercising ect. would keep the baby where she should be. It's exhausting feeling like I'm constantly doing things I hate for the greater good for months now only to be told its not making a damn bit of difference. It's just so frustrating knowing that nothing your doing is helping, especially when its your own body working against you.

Despite my lack of weight gain (which you think would be comforting but when I look in the mirror I just see this swollen lump) Averie is still measuring much larger than she should be. Today she measured at 38 weeks... I'm only 35 weeks. Her weight is over 5lbs and she should only be a little over 4. We're getting to the point in my pregnancy where she should be gaining a half pound a week which would put me closer to 9lbs around the time I'm supposed to deliver. Another lovely hiccup? She's in the breech position which complicates things if she doesn't turn head down in the next 2 weeks.

That's where once again that stupid bitch of a C-word keeps popping up. I know my doctors understand that I want to experience a vaginal birth more than anything. I honestly feel like they want to respect my wishes too... however I now feel like I'm being groomed for a C-Section. They keep saying that we'll just wait and see but then give me a ton of information on what is going on, and what my options are that all seem to lead back to a C-Section. People have told me "don't let the doctors intimidate you into doing something you don't want to" well let me tell you something... There is no way in hell I am pushing out a 9lb baby from my 4'10" frame AND there is no way in hell I am foregoing an epidural if they have to induce. I want a natural child birthing experience with natural pain. The drugs they use to induce labor are powerful- and increase labor pain a considerable amount.... in the words of Kristen Bell "I've got nothing to prove!" Especially if I'm going to have to be induced. Here's another thing: I trust my doctors and I will listen to them when they tell me what is best for me and Averie, but that doesn't mean I'm happy about what that might mean.

When my husband and I left our appointment today we were given homework: asses our options and let them know in 2 weeks what we want to do. Here are the options:

1. Wait and see if she turns. If she turns we know we can try a vaginal delivery but only if she doesn't go over 7.5 lbs. So while I ultimately like this option it could be a moot point based on how much weight she gains. I have another ultrasound scheduled in 2 weeks to get a conclusive answer as to how big she actually is.

2. The doctor can turn her. I forget what this procedure is called but basically I would have to be admitted to the hospital for the day. They would give me some kind of medication that relaxes my uterus and they would physically turn her from the outside. It's a gradual thing which is why it's an all day procedure... however they didn't even try to hide the fact that it would be painful for me. Less painful than if we do nothing and I go into labor while she's still breech and they have to shove her back in for a C-Section. (did you shudder just now? I did when they explained that little gem)

3. Do neither 1 or 2 and just schedule a C-Section at 39 weeks (which would make her birthday the week of March 11th)

I would do anything at this point to keep my option of a vaginal birth... except I'm afraid that even going through the emotional worry of option 1 and all the pain of option 2 she's still going to end up being delivered via C-Section because of her size. There is a small part of me that is so tired of doing everything right only to be disappointed, and that part wants to just give up and agree to option 3. Then there is the bigger part of me that is stubborn and I want to prove to myself and anyone else that if you follow all the rules and do what you're told it pays off in the end. However, odds have never really been in my favor throughout my life- and now seems like a pretty silly time to be betting on any.

This next part may sound dumb but here goes: I don't want to miss out on the experience of a vaginal birth, because I feel like I missed out on a lot of normal kid experiences growing up and am angry at the world that this is yet another thing I won't get to do. I don't understand why things in my life always have to be different from everyone else's. I feel ridiculous copping to that feeling but it is what it is- in general I'm thankful for my life being different because it's caused me to be who I am today... but why does that ALWAYS have to be the case ya know?

I do realize I'm devastated over HOW I'm going to deliver my baby. I haven't forgotten that I actually get to physically hold her when all this is done, unlike my last pregnancy. While I've been happy all this time that I had surgery with Mason there's a part of me starting to regret not going with the option of delivering him. It would have been harder emotionally but maybe I wouldn't be so upset now with a C-Section looming on the horizon.

I'm trying to be a big girl though, and not let this completely consume me... My husband had scheduled a guy's day in the city today and while every ounce of me wanted to beg him to stay home and cuddle with me all day I held myself together so he could still go with a clear conscience. I went for a 50 minute walk with our dog (normally its 15-20) and spent some time appreciating what a beautiful day it is. I spent some time praying in hopes of finding an answer within myself, it didn't work but I always feel better after spending some time with God.

My husband, I think, is at a loss for how to help me figure this out. He just told me that he'll support whatever I want to do. Part of me appreciates that he doesn't want to dictate me and my body but another part just wishes he could have all the answers. Hopefully all my anger, sadness, and helplessness- I'm literally feeling a million different emotions today thanks to those lovely hormones- will be gone tomorrow just like when I first found out I had GD...horrible the day of, not so bad the next day... in fact I'm praying that tomorrow I'll wake up and know what I'm supposed to do.

Another YHL Moment

I apologize for the huge gap in between posts. Truthfully we have been super busy in baby world- we had 2 baby showers the last few weeks, we were working like crazy to finish the nursery and I've been booked with Dr appointments (nothing bad- but you can expect a post later about them). I thought it might be fun for my first post in a few weeks to be about our journey transforming my mom's junk room into Averie's nursery.

Most of us call my mom a hoarder- but not the dirty trash obsessed kind like on tv- but really she is a keeper of memories (a term i discovered from a friend's instagram) so it was a long and involved process to get her to clean out the room she offered me. However, once we were on a roll boxing things it went pretty quickly. I don't have a picture of the true before, but I here is what it looked like while we were boxing things (most of the large furniture was already removed before the boxing began)

Originally this room was decorated for my little sister as a surprise when she was 9 or 10. She went to visit our grandparents and my mom and i decorated it for her while she was gone. The geographic wall and lanterns/wall hangings were all from her favorite shirt... and while the pattern I painted on the wall was pretty basic it was my first time painting an accent wall and it got me addicted to them (hence our room decals from this post  disclaimer- that room doesn't look anything like that once my husband joined me with all our bedroom furniture) and the upcoming pics of Averie's room. It's not pictured but one of the walls was even covered in chalkboard paint- which was surprisingly easy to cover.

After the room was cleared we realized it needed a face lift. My parent's have lived in this house for over 25 years and haven't been able to do much remodeling to the actual bedrooms so we took the opportunity to change the moulding, repaint and upgrade the closet.

Because of my height and growing belly I did all the bottom edges and the main painting while the hubby did all the top edges. Together we got the whole room painted lilac in about an hour.

Then Kev had to remove all the old moulding- which I didn't help with because well... eew... but it looked pretty easy. He just used a crowbar and we had a pile of scrap moulding in under 10 minutes.

It only took a few cuts, some nails and sealant to attach the new moulding. Our biggest mistake was not painting it BEFORE he attached it. My thinking was he's going to nick it up with the hammer and I would just have to touch it up anyway, but trying to cleanly paint moulding with carpet fighting me was a challenge and it took way longer than it should have. Most moulding choices come primed white- and I guess you could leave it but Kev insisted on covering it with a semi gloss in white to make upkeep easier. I can't believe how much changing the moulding changed the look of the room.

 

My mom and I had gone out and chosen the furniture and ordered it but it was going to be a few weeks before it arrived. We wanted to plan out where we were going to not only place the furniture in the room but where we were going to paint the animals from Averie's bedding on the walls. Kev came up with a great idea: using painters tape to mark the dimensions of the furniture so we could settle on placement. He really is a smarty pants!

 

I just like taking pics of his tooshy ;)

 

Next was the fun part: painting the figurines!!! I love to paint but I was nervous to freehand the figures on the wall so I had my very talented artist hubby draw them for me. Around this time I was taken out of work so I had plenty of time to work on painting them.

 

I had a little help from Harbor kitty

I think my favorite is the giraffe... I told Kev we have to come up with names for them ;)

 

Here is the finished product before the furniture arrived:

I couldn't get a picture of the closet before but basically there were no doors. The closet is quite large and extends almost to the door jamb on the left on the inside so I had kev add an extra poll to give us 2 rows to hang clothes on. We bought these doors from Home Depot and he installed them in about 20 minutes. They match the moulding and eventually we will replace the door to her room with a similar 6-panel door.

 

And here is the final product- complete with furniture and accessories from her showers!

I still cant believe when I look at the pics side by side how different the before and after are... I am so excited to bring her home to her new room! This process was more fun than I had originally thought it would be, and it was a great experience doing it alongside my hubby. If i could find a way to make designing baby rooms into a job I would drop everything and do it!

 

BEFORE

AFTER

BEFORE

AFTER