I have been so busy the last few months with the play, full time hours at work and trying to balance my fitness/friends/sleep that I stopped paying attention to my body. I went to the Dr for what I thought was exhaustion or stress related illness. I had been feeling super tired and weak... like when you are just getting a cold (I even had the runny nose) but it lasted for weeks so I figured I should go get it checked out.
I had also noticed that I hadn't ovulated in quite some time and started to get a little nervous. I figured while I was getting checked out for not feeling well, I should find out about that too. When I got to the Dr and started getting ready for my exam the Dr asked me when my last period was... I couldn't remember. Then I realized that I should of had my monthly gift weeks before my appointment. I was sitting in the Dr's office trying to answer the rest of the questions but my mind was racing a mile a minute. COULD I actually be pregnant? What would my husband say? When did this happen?
We weren't in the process of trying yet, but we weren't actively preventing anything either. Because I had been tracking my ovulation, we didn't worry too much about surprises. It felt like I was sitting in the exam room forever waiting for it to begin, when in reality it was only a few minutes, but I started to cry and started shaking. Not a huge meltdown but I couldn't decide which news I wanted to hear. If I was pregnant, of course I would be happy but it would be a huge UNPLANNED surprise. If I wasn't I would be devastated. I didn't have much time to figure out which emotion to go with because it was decided for me: the Dr told me I was pregnant.
To say I was shocked would be an understatement (even though I tried to prepare myself in the minutes before) and the tears were falling down my face before the Dr even finished assessing my ultrasound. The saying "People plan and God laughs" kept repeating in my head. The Dr couldn't tell from my ultrasound how far along I was so he sent me to do a blood test. I got my results the same day but they were low. Definitely a pregnancy detected but according to my scores i should have only been a few weeks pregnant, but based on my LMP I should be 8 weeks.
Because of my past this pregnancy is considered high risk until all tests can be run and come back normal. Also, because of my levels and my LMP not matching the Dr ordered more tests- I have to go back every couple of days for more blood tests to make sure that my HCG levels are rising appropriately and they pushed my next ultrasound out until July 30th. At that appointment they will nail down how far along I am and my due date. They are hoping we will get to hear a heart beat at this appointment.
Some may be wondering why we decided to announce our pregnancy before all the details have been set in stone. The answer is simple: we are happy. It's been so hard keeping it quiet the last few weeks and hard to come up with reasons why I wasn't drinking around my borderline alcoholic cast mates. We also figured that we have shared every single detail- good and bad- from our lives since January, and if for some reason this pregnancy doesn't progress we will take it on like we have everything else. For us, over sharing and working things out through this blog have been so helpful to us. I'm also not too good with secrets myself- so it was actually causing me more unnecessary stress worrying about keeping it quiet.
We told our immediately family members (parents and siblings) and anyone that needed to know. We asked them to keep it quiet until we were ready to announce it ourselves. There was a lot of debate on how to announce it, since our last announcement was on Halloween through our costumes but this time we decided to do it the old fashioned way (sort of) and just put it out there and let people find out organically.
I have a lot of mixed emotions regarding our sweet surprise, and I will update as I need to try and figure them all out, but for now we are -cautiously- excited about our news. We are prepared for anything at this point, but of course hoping for the best.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Monday, July 16, 2012
FBU
When someone makes something official these days they take straight to facebook and make it FBO. This weekend I decided to do some cleansing in the form of my facebook friends. I decided to delete anyone who is anything but positive, helpful and well... logical. I'm not sure why, but sometimes I feel like I don't to be on the same playing field as everyone else. I have had multiple interactions the last few weeks that suggest that I'm not allowed to make mistakes like the rest of the population. For whatever reason, I get treated like I have to be perfect all the time or it's like WWIII.
This I don't understand, is it all the things I have been strong through in the past, so that should mean i have to be strong all the time? I don't get it. I've come to the conclusion that I must be a magnet for people who love to push their insecurities off onto me. This weekend I was hardly perfect, in fact i even spent time forgiving myself for the mistakes I made- big and small- and came to the realization that sometimes that's all I can do when faced with an impossible situation.
They say that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you deal with it. I'm not so sure I agree with this... When I make a mistake its usually right away that I recognize it and immediately try to rectify it. Now, if any other parties involved aren't ready to do this then what am I supposed to do? As a teenager I used to agonize over this, because i couldn't stand people being upset, or myself staying upset at someone who tried to fix the situation. At some point in my life I learned to just remove myself from these situations and people who caused them.
I don't see what's wrong with recognizing a toxic personality or 'friendship' and removing yourself from being subjected to it. That doesn't mean I hate these people or will go out of my way to do anything.... actually it means i just wont go out of my way- to be nice or mean- i just don't care enough to put that kind of energy into it. Some of my friends tell me this is a problem I have, that I can just flip a switch and not care anymore. I must have learned it from some situation and in my opinion it works for me. Why is it a bad thing to keep yourself out of harms way? Why is it bad to not want to be publicly bullied or humiliated? Why is it a bad thing to recognize that there isn't a huge epic friendship in the works and move on?
I will have to go over this with my therapist, but I am thinking that seeing a bad pattern or potentially harmful situation and not allowing it to continue is actually a healthy plan of action. I can only be responsible for my actions and my insecurities, i cant take on yours too, and frankly- i just wont. I refuse to be someones punching bag or made the example because someone else can't deal with their own problems. I'm sometimes amazed at the amount of people who are supposed to be 'older and wiser' who have zero interpersonal communication and conflict resolution skills. This assessment isn't only my own interactions with some of these people, its what i had already observed up to this point.
I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to have any part of these people in my life... so why is it a problem for everyone else?
This I don't understand, is it all the things I have been strong through in the past, so that should mean i have to be strong all the time? I don't get it. I've come to the conclusion that I must be a magnet for people who love to push their insecurities off onto me. This weekend I was hardly perfect, in fact i even spent time forgiving myself for the mistakes I made- big and small- and came to the realization that sometimes that's all I can do when faced with an impossible situation.
They say that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you deal with it. I'm not so sure I agree with this... When I make a mistake its usually right away that I recognize it and immediately try to rectify it. Now, if any other parties involved aren't ready to do this then what am I supposed to do? As a teenager I used to agonize over this, because i couldn't stand people being upset, or myself staying upset at someone who tried to fix the situation. At some point in my life I learned to just remove myself from these situations and people who caused them.
I don't see what's wrong with recognizing a toxic personality or 'friendship' and removing yourself from being subjected to it. That doesn't mean I hate these people or will go out of my way to do anything.... actually it means i just wont go out of my way- to be nice or mean- i just don't care enough to put that kind of energy into it. Some of my friends tell me this is a problem I have, that I can just flip a switch and not care anymore. I must have learned it from some situation and in my opinion it works for me. Why is it a bad thing to keep yourself out of harms way? Why is it bad to not want to be publicly bullied or humiliated? Why is it a bad thing to recognize that there isn't a huge epic friendship in the works and move on?
I will have to go over this with my therapist, but I am thinking that seeing a bad pattern or potentially harmful situation and not allowing it to continue is actually a healthy plan of action. I can only be responsible for my actions and my insecurities, i cant take on yours too, and frankly- i just wont. I refuse to be someones punching bag or made the example because someone else can't deal with their own problems. I'm sometimes amazed at the amount of people who are supposed to be 'older and wiser' who have zero interpersonal communication and conflict resolution skills. This assessment isn't only my own interactions with some of these people, its what i had already observed up to this point.
I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to have any part of these people in my life... so why is it a problem for everyone else?
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