Support

I woke myself up this morning crying. I didn't even know that was possible. The moment that everything came back into my memory all i could think was 'no thanks, I'd rather go back to sleep.' Its now been over 24 hours since we found out about Muffin's condition and made the decision to let him go to heaven. I know i should have some profound thought about it all, but I am numb. Our Dr called this morning and wants me to come in to discuss my options on how to move forward. It hit me after the call that how i am feeling right now is nothing compared to what is coming... we haven't even gotten to the hard part yet and i cant get out of bed as it is. We did decide to name him Mason, even if it never goes on a birth certificate, we want him to have a name that we picked for him.

I thought it would be out of the question to talk about all this, but after reading everyone's kind words it gave me some strength to try to figure this all out. I have this app called BabyBump that I've been addicted to since we found out we were pregnant, and i had posted about the first phone call from the Dr over a week ago, and then again last night looking for someone who has been through the same thing. I didn't find anyone, but i did find support that i didn't even knew existed. (the same to those of you who have found this through a friend.) I don't know if you can imagine how it feels unless you are going through it, but to hear from people that don't know you, that you've never met and have them tell you that your strong and and they are praying for you is incredibly powerful. Even though i don't feel strong right now, it makes me want to try and be strong for my baby and my husband.

Where do we fit in with all of this though? I'm not sure who to turn to while we make the decisions on how to proceed and how to get help after. We aren't really in the sick kid category, stillborn, or SIDS. We aren't really in the miscarriage category either. I feel closer to those grieving a miscarriage because it was sudden and unplanned, but it's still not the same. I don't expect to find support from my church friends, for a lot of people what we are doing goes against their beliefs. I cant speak for them, but for as mad as i am with God for this being a part of my path, i feel in my heart he doesn't want our baby to suffer, so even though some might disagree i know we are making the right decision and my faith is in tact.

In this moment in time we are leaning towards being induced so i can deliver little Mason and we can have some time as a family to say our goodbyes. I'm not sure if this is the right decision yet, it might be easier to be put to sleep, but i don't want to one day wake up and regret that i didn't hold him and tell him how much i love him. Kevin is so supportive, he wants whatever i want. I just don't know how anyone comes back from that experience and if i am feeling this amount of despair now, I'm not sure which option will actually break me.

There is comfort in knowing that i picked the right person to spend my life with and make these decisions. When we found out, i couldn't talk, but when i did we were in complete agreement. There is something powerful in being able to communicate without words, and knowing that this person is your true other half, and that no matter what I'm feeling- he's feeling it too. I just wish i could be more like him and keep going. He's so strong that sometimes i forget that his heart can break too. He takes such good care of me when i cant eat, sleep or even bring myself to get out of bed, that i worry he isn't getting what he needs from me. Then i remember him telling me when we first started dating that his way of moving on is taking care of things for everyone else. When he comes and hugs me to make sure I'm OK I realize that he needs that hug too. I need to write, he needs to 'do'... i am so blessed to have this man, and while all of this is horrible, i know i am going through it with the right person.