Forgive me if this post seems a bit scattered, I am attempting to feverishly write during commercial breaks of game 3 of the World Series (GO GIANTS!!!!) but I didn't want to keep putting it off. I have a special Halloween post planned (so come visit my world again on Wednesday).
Ever sense our major fears have been ruled out for Averie I have found myself obsessing over all the small things that I'm told normal moms with normal pregnancies obsess over. I didn't understand why but all I could do was let these little things fill my mind- not enough to distract me from life- but these little worries kept popping up out of the blue. I started to remember the 1st chapter of Mommywood by Tori Spelling. I thought she was nuts when I was reading about her going on and on about seeing her son Liam's nose in a 4D ultrasound and fretting that he would get her 'pre-surgery honker'. (You can say what you want about her looks or her acting, but that woman LOVES her kids, and that makes me a fan of hers.) Now I kinda understand the mommy cray cray brain lol! Don't get me wrong, I don't let these little things ruin my day but I keep having these dreams that are almost validating my fears.
I keep having dreams that Averie is going to be a giant... my husband is 6 feet tall and I'm barely 5. I keep seeing myself in a hospital bed trying to push out this enormous baby and not being able to and then being rushed off to emergency surgery but I always wake up before I get to see if she's huge. I keep getting freaked out about her nose- we both have larger noses so I'll spend a few minutes a day consumed with fear that she'll have a huge nose and never grow into it. Realistically, both of us didn't come out with huge noses that we had to grow into lol, but it's just something that keeps popping in- and then out again.
I started to re-read Tori Spelling's book just to ease my own mind that I wasn't alone in my irrational fears and then I started to freak out because we had so many similar ones- the one that seems to make everyone laugh is about poop. Yes, I'm writing on my blog about poop. Tori and I both shared the same insane idea of 'what if I'm taking a poop and its a hard one and i have to push- wont the baby think it's time to come out!?' Obviously I have come to my senses but once these silly fears have passed I find them pretty funny. I know I can't be the only one out there with these same dumb fears.
It's like there's all this room in my brain now for all the little things now that all the big things have been relieved. It's kinda nice to know I'm going through what everyone else does. I've been able to really enjoy my pregnancy the last 2 weeks. Before I wouldn't let anyone buy anything for the baby or even talk about my baby shower... I really just wanted to take things by the day I was on but now I feel like I am finally comfortable enough that I've started to make plans for Averie. Thinks like-
-her room: we decided on an under the sea theme since the room she's going into is already a teal-ish blue... less work for mom and dad and my husband is in love with sea creatures, pus I've always loved mermaids... however I don't like Ariel so that's why we're hesitant to say its mermaid themed and we call it under the sea. My 'other parents' have set a great example by the rooms they created for their kids with full on life sized figures painted on the walls of their kids rooms. My husband is an excellent artist and I am pretty good with paint so he'll draw it all out for me and I'll use safe for pregnant mommy paints to create it. We're getting pretty excited doing research and taking strides to making her nursery a reality.
-the baby shower: my husband is the greatest and really wants to be involved. We had a lot of people offer to throw it for us, but I couldn't make a decision because of how big its going to be. We have a million family members and my husband really wants it to be a jack and jill party so all his guy friends can come too. Our obstacles are that it is going to be in the middle of winter (the end of January) and we need enough room for around 70 people, plus I thought it would be awesome to give the guys a 'cigar lounge' area while all the girly games are going on. So the venue needs to be indoor/outdoor. Luckily I have a lot of great people helping me and it should be an event to remember.
-a 5 year plan: we've been trying to figure out if we need to follow our dreams of living on the east coast or if we should stick around now that we're really starting a family. What we came up with is for the next 5 years we will stick around where we are so that family can surround our kids. We would like to start trying for baby #2 when Averie is around 6 months old. Obviously 2 young kids will be a lot to handle and we will need all the help we can get. Right now we're living rent free so we can save up for a house and moving across the country in our current financial situation wouldn't be favorable. However, in about 5 years my husband is hoping to have established himself enough in his industry that moving to the east coast would work in our favor.
-gifts and shopping: before I wouldn't let anyone give me anything because i was so superstitious that I just needed to get through the first 19 weeks. I didn't even buy anything besides the journal i write to her in... but even that only has a few entries. Now that we have passed all the scary stuff I've been enjoying all the adorable things out there for little girls. I have even bought a few jumpers for her and once i let it out that i was ok with moving forward so many of my friends and family have been giving me gifts for Averie. They are all so adorable I can't believe I ever had any reservations about it. With how much of them flooded in I almost feel like everyone was just waiting for the ok lol, and my favorite part is how excited everyone is, and how much love Averie has and she's only been in existence for 5 months. It warms my heart that she will have all these aunties to help her on her journey.
So I should probably explain how I learned a HUGE lesson this week. (Besides learning how to enjoy my pregnancy..) Like I said before, I've been plagued by all these silly irrational fears that it was almost like karma wanted to wake me up. So for the last week or so I've been feeling a TON of pressure right under my belly button and on my back. I figured it was just ligament pain at first but then it kept getting more intense. Instead of it bothering me when I leaned over it was hurting all the time. I was having trouble sleeping because of it even. So eventually I let this little fear plague me enough that I called the doctor.
At first they didn't seem too concerned so I figured it was all in my head. Then the help nurse told me that because of my history she will check with my dr and get back to me. About an hour later she called and said that my dr definitely wanted to see me sooner rather than later. I let them know to schedule it and call me back and I would make it work. Not even an hour later they called me back but this time the nurse was very urgent, she said "You need to get in here NOW, you're having symptoms of preterm labor" and once I heard that I went into panic mode. I asked if she was sure, and she told me to drop what I was doing and get there now.
Luckily I have an AMAZING boss who was super supportive of me having to leave high and dry in the middle of the work day and helped me get out of there as fast as I could. I drove like a maniac over there and went from trying to stay calm to hysterically crying. By the time I actually saw the dr i was a horrible crying mess. Now, all of this from phone call to seeing the dr was maybe 20 minutes but it felt like hours at the time. Once my dr figured out why I was so upset she got pissed- now let me say... my new dr is basically the real life version of Christina Yang from Grey's Anatomy.... no really she even had bad ass biker boots and was wearing all black... she told me she was going to go out there and scream at the nurse who scared the crap out of me.
She told me that she had suggested i come in and that she was happy to squeeze me in, and to come as soon as I could to make sure i wasn't having symptoms of preterm labor. She promised me I would never even have to see that nurse again on my visits to see her. I was relieved but still worried about what could be wrong. The dr explained that when you've had the surgery I have, you don't mess around with a pressure like feeling because I'm naturally a candidate for a weak cervix because of my past surgery. She check it first and said everything was perfect, she measured me and I got to listen to Averie's heart and she reassured me that everything was looking exactly as it should. She also told me that it's probably just ligament pain. I have experienced it before and it felt so different, and she kindly reminded me that I've never reached this far in pregnancy and that I was in for some new aches and pains and unless there was any spotting it wasn't anything to worry about. She told me that she's even seen people come in unable to walk because of ligament pain... which sounded a lot like what I was experiencing at night.
At the end of the visit she kept apologizing for scaring me and gave me her direct line to call her with any questions. She made me feel normal, like I wasn't a crazy person for being concerned but also let me know that I get to do the fun stuff now- that she was ordering me not to worry anymore. When i left all I could think was "thank you God" over and over. It was almost like he was telling me "oh... you want to worry like a crazy person all the time over nothing? Then I'll give you something to worry about to give you perspective/" The message was heard- and learned- loud and clear. I'm going to keep continuing on my normal pregnancy path and worrying about the same things all the other moms out there worry about, and reminding myself its ok... but there is no reason to go overboard.
But seriously... please don't be a giant baby!!!!!.... with a huge honker...
ok, really, i'm done I promise!
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Moving On From 18
My horoscope today helped me to solidify the thoughts I've been having and helped me to figure out how to put them into words... Normally I don't put too much into horoscopes but I think they're fun and check mine now and then... today's gave me goosebumps how close it was to my life. Let me share:
"By proceeding stepwise, you can preserve the connection of the new (the future) with the old (the past) and allow one to gracefully transform into the other. You will find surprisingly little resistance using this approach, and expected roadblocks will likely fade away."
I've been struggling with the fact that my pregnancy is coming into uncharted territory. What I mean by that is up to this point (today actually) I have had something to compare this pregnancy to- my last one and there have been sad parts of that, but there was a comforting part too knowing what to expect and knowing what was coming.
Today is the exact point in my pregnancy where we had to say goodbye to Mason. 18 weeks and 2 days is all I got with him. I am of course thankful for each day with him and with this baby but I am full of emotions today. There were points in my day where I didn't think I could make it the rest of the day, where I had to hide my tears from those around me. Then there were points of the day that I was so happy and happy to be talking about Averie.
I realized last night what today would mark and my husband and I had a long talk about it. I worry that one day Averie will realize the timing between her and Mason's due date and feel like she shouldn't be here. Obviously I will do everything in my power to make sure this never happens but I just worry over these things sometimes. My husband is so optimistic and thinks my worries wont ever become a reality. We definitely want Averie to know that Mason is a part of her story but we don't want him to be this looming presence over her. I know he is right and my fears are because I have nothing else to worry about right now... one day I'll be worry free.... right?
I'm hoping the fact that there are no longer things for me to compare these pregnancies will help me to move on a little more and maybe I'll be able to allow myself to actually enjoy this pregnancy. I thought after last week when we were cleared from high risk that this week would be different, that I would be able to enjoy myself a little more but it just hasn't happened yet. I think I may be holding onto Mason more than I should or that I just cant turn my worrying brain off like I had hoped. I'm not really sure what the answer is but I feel like moving past 18.2 physically will help me move past it mentally too. That also makes me a little sad, I liked having what I felt like was a piece of him with me while I've gotten to this point. There is a part of me that doesn't want to move on in a sense... but I know its necessary in the healing process. So its a sad feeling knowing tomorrow I will wake up a day further away from him but a great feeling knowing I'll wake up a day closer to her....
My horoscope gave me hope that knowing that these 2 feelings can merge together and help me move forward, I just hope it's right: that the roadblocks I see ahead will actually fade away.
"By proceeding stepwise, you can preserve the connection of the new (the future) with the old (the past) and allow one to gracefully transform into the other. You will find surprisingly little resistance using this approach, and expected roadblocks will likely fade away."
I've been struggling with the fact that my pregnancy is coming into uncharted territory. What I mean by that is up to this point (today actually) I have had something to compare this pregnancy to- my last one and there have been sad parts of that, but there was a comforting part too knowing what to expect and knowing what was coming.
Today is the exact point in my pregnancy where we had to say goodbye to Mason. 18 weeks and 2 days is all I got with him. I am of course thankful for each day with him and with this baby but I am full of emotions today. There were points in my day where I didn't think I could make it the rest of the day, where I had to hide my tears from those around me. Then there were points of the day that I was so happy and happy to be talking about Averie.
I realized last night what today would mark and my husband and I had a long talk about it. I worry that one day Averie will realize the timing between her and Mason's due date and feel like she shouldn't be here. Obviously I will do everything in my power to make sure this never happens but I just worry over these things sometimes. My husband is so optimistic and thinks my worries wont ever become a reality. We definitely want Averie to know that Mason is a part of her story but we don't want him to be this looming presence over her. I know he is right and my fears are because I have nothing else to worry about right now... one day I'll be worry free.... right?
I'm hoping the fact that there are no longer things for me to compare these pregnancies will help me to move on a little more and maybe I'll be able to allow myself to actually enjoy this pregnancy. I thought after last week when we were cleared from high risk that this week would be different, that I would be able to enjoy myself a little more but it just hasn't happened yet. I think I may be holding onto Mason more than I should or that I just cant turn my worrying brain off like I had hoped. I'm not really sure what the answer is but I feel like moving past 18.2 physically will help me move past it mentally too. That also makes me a little sad, I liked having what I felt like was a piece of him with me while I've gotten to this point. There is a part of me that doesn't want to move on in a sense... but I know its necessary in the healing process. So its a sad feeling knowing tomorrow I will wake up a day further away from him but a great feeling knowing I'll wake up a day closer to her....
My horoscope gave me hope that knowing that these 2 feelings can merge together and help me move forward, I just hope it's right: that the roadblocks I see ahead will actually fade away.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Sinking In
Today we had the much anticipated ultrasound that answered so many of our questions!!! I am thrilled to announce that we are expecting a baby girl! We have decided her name will be Averie Belle and we couldn't be more excited!!!
While this news is absolutely fantastic the BEST news was that we are no longer in the high risk category!!! We have been released to fully enjoy this pregnancy with no more worries (well mostly- we are approaching uncharted territory for me lol).
It's still not fully sunken in that everything is ok... I went into this appointment thinking no matter what we will take it and make it work. I had convinced myself that even if they found anything abnormal we would figure out a way to make it all work out. Luckily, they said everything looked absolutely perfect! I'm still having a hard time believing it, but I know it will sink in and I can let go of most of my fears. There is no magic want to wave and change your way of thinking after over a year of being fear obsessed and terrified, but I know it will come.
I should backtrack a little to answer some of the questions I got today... a lot of people wanted to know what was going through my mind when we heard it was a girl. Well, at first they said it may be a boy and once again this "aww man" escaped me before I could even stop it. My husband was mortified with me and i immediately felt ashamed for my initial reaction. Then as I was getting excited to tell everyone we were having a Logan Reilly the tech confirmed that it was actually a girl- her first guess was correct. Then the doctor came in to confirm and I immediately started crying. I almost didn't believe them that I get to have my Averie Belle.
I wish I could explain how and why I so badly wanted a girl, but i just did in my heart. I prayed for it, I put the vibes out there, I felt like it was a girl and I am so thankful to have been right and to have gotten what I've always dreamed for. So many of the kids in our families are guys- us girls are heavily out numbered and I just wanted one girl to know I could have a girl. I'll have 10 more and they can all be boys, I just really wanted one girl.
Then the doctor went over all my test results and told me that we have a 1 in 100,000 chance of the baby having triasomine 18 (forgive me if that's not written correctly) or downs. This is all good news. There were no traces of neural tube defects at all. I was trying to contain my emotions until she showed us a very clear image of the baby's spine and everything looked perfect. As soon as I saw it I knew we were going to be ok. It never occurred to me that I could make a healthy baby until I saw that gorgeous spine. I know that sounds silly, but I really was convinced that we were incapable of creating a problem-free child. I can't tell you how much it means to me to be wrong. It's simply magical.
The first thing we did was tell the people we knew we wanted to ask to be the baby's godparents. To our delight they both accepted right away and were absolutely thrilled. Then we called our parents to tell them the great news. They were all thrilled as well... I think they were all hoping for a girl as much as I was. Actually, I know my mom was haha she could hardly contain her preference in the weeks leading up to this appointment. Then we started texting people who have been right there with us along the way, and then we put up these pictures on our facebook and instagram accounts...
There are no words to describe how grateful my husband and I for all the people that already love our baby. We feel so blessed to know that everyone we love and care about are already showing support for our little Averie... it truly left us speechless... and me an overly emotional wreck! After everything we have been through in 2012, we are thrilled that this is how the year is ending... with all of our dreams coming true and with Mason watching over all of us.
While this news is absolutely fantastic the BEST news was that we are no longer in the high risk category!!! We have been released to fully enjoy this pregnancy with no more worries (well mostly- we are approaching uncharted territory for me lol).
It's still not fully sunken in that everything is ok... I went into this appointment thinking no matter what we will take it and make it work. I had convinced myself that even if they found anything abnormal we would figure out a way to make it all work out. Luckily, they said everything looked absolutely perfect! I'm still having a hard time believing it, but I know it will sink in and I can let go of most of my fears. There is no magic want to wave and change your way of thinking after over a year of being fear obsessed and terrified, but I know it will come.
I should backtrack a little to answer some of the questions I got today... a lot of people wanted to know what was going through my mind when we heard it was a girl. Well, at first they said it may be a boy and once again this "aww man" escaped me before I could even stop it. My husband was mortified with me and i immediately felt ashamed for my initial reaction. Then as I was getting excited to tell everyone we were having a Logan Reilly the tech confirmed that it was actually a girl- her first guess was correct. Then the doctor came in to confirm and I immediately started crying. I almost didn't believe them that I get to have my Averie Belle.
I wish I could explain how and why I so badly wanted a girl, but i just did in my heart. I prayed for it, I put the vibes out there, I felt like it was a girl and I am so thankful to have been right and to have gotten what I've always dreamed for. So many of the kids in our families are guys- us girls are heavily out numbered and I just wanted one girl to know I could have a girl. I'll have 10 more and they can all be boys, I just really wanted one girl.
Then the doctor went over all my test results and told me that we have a 1 in 100,000 chance of the baby having triasomine 18 (forgive me if that's not written correctly) or downs. This is all good news. There were no traces of neural tube defects at all. I was trying to contain my emotions until she showed us a very clear image of the baby's spine and everything looked perfect. As soon as I saw it I knew we were going to be ok. It never occurred to me that I could make a healthy baby until I saw that gorgeous spine. I know that sounds silly, but I really was convinced that we were incapable of creating a problem-free child. I can't tell you how much it means to me to be wrong. It's simply magical.
The first thing we did was tell the people we knew we wanted to ask to be the baby's godparents. To our delight they both accepted right away and were absolutely thrilled. Then we called our parents to tell them the great news. They were all thrilled as well... I think they were all hoping for a girl as much as I was. Actually, I know my mom was haha she could hardly contain her preference in the weeks leading up to this appointment. Then we started texting people who have been right there with us along the way, and then we put up these pictures on our facebook and instagram accounts...
There are no words to describe how grateful my husband and I for all the people that already love our baby. We feel so blessed to know that everyone we love and care about are already showing support for our little Averie... it truly left us speechless... and me an overly emotional wreck! After everything we have been through in 2012, we are thrilled that this is how the year is ending... with all of our dreams coming true and with Mason watching over all of us.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Appointments
With all my focus surrounding this upcoming Tuesday's ultrasound I forgot to update on what has been going on with me physically. This pregnancy has been really different from my last, and while I have spent a significant amount of time feeling perfectly healthy I have lost more and more weight than I did with Mason, which is strange to me since I could keep nothing down for months.
Before I got pregnant with Mason I was over 150lbs (which is a lot for this 5'0 girl) and I lost 20lbs with him. In the months after he left us I put a lot of effort into Operation Baby Farm... and that included putting more effort into improving my eating habits and increasing my exercise routine. I have kept to both of those even after I learned I was pregnant. I understand that women have cravings while pregnant, but I don't think turning into a garbage disposal is appropriate for me. So I make an effort that if i am going to indulge it isn't in large amounts. I also get full really quickly so I haven't had much success finishing any meals. The perk to that is I am hungry again in a few hours so I guess it's good for my metabolism.
I was at the point of exercising a few times a week while being mindful of what I ate (for the most part-not trying to claim to be perfect here) and I have continued to lose weight each week. I only use the scale in my bathroom. In fact, I completely ignore the one at the doctors office because it is always different than what my constant scale at home says. I'm a big believer in sticking to one scale when you are being mindful of the ups and downs of your weight. According to my scale I've lost about 15-20 pounds since I found out I was pregnant. It's weird because everywhere else is slimming down but my belly has swollen up to make me look further along than I actually am. I wonder what I would look like without my belly and how skinny I would actually look.
I can't say I'm hating it, because when I first started gaining weight I focused on how my jawline would disappear and I finally have my jaw line back! I was worried though that my baby was somehow suffering from all the weight loss but my doctors kept reassuring me that I am just living healthy while many women use pregnancy as an excuse to eat everything and gain way more. So I felt confident I was making the right decisions.
Then the last few weeks I've been having really horrible migraines. Migraines are something I've been suffering with in my entire adult life, but pregnancy has been known to make headaches more intense. I finally got a chance to go into the doctors after not sleeping for almost 30 hours to try and get some answers. They told me it was ok to take vicodin- something I had been avoiding because I thought it would be bad for the baby. The dr insisted that not doing anything, not sleeping and not being able to keep any food down for days on end would do worse than taking a vicodin. (My migraines usually make me sick to my stomach even without the help of pregnancy hormones and this latest one was no different.)
My dr also suggested that I see a neurologist just to make sure everything looks ok. The other thing she did voice concern with was my weight loss which totally took me by surprise since they just spent months telling me not to worry about it. She isn't so concerned that she wanted to take drastic measures- my head always seems to go there- but she wanted me to see a specialist to make sure that I am getting what I need to. She explained that no matter what I put in my body the baby gets it first and I basically get what's left over. She was more worried that I was suffering... which I didn't get. My first instinct is if the baby is fine then who the heck cares about me? I know that isn't the most rational way of thinking but its how my brain was working at the time.
I knew I was being healthy, and my dr knows I am being healthy... so why do i have to see a specialist? I'm a little nervous about it, but as I think more and more about it I'm excited to see what they suggest. I got a juicer from a friend and have been researching recipes (and have failed at a few attempts) because I figured it was the best way to get nutrition into me in the morning while I am going through morning sickness. Yes, at 16 weeks I am still feeling the morning sickness but it's a walk in the park compared to what I went through with Mason so I try not to complain. I'm trying to look at these upcoming appointments with optimism because really I just don't have any room in my brain for anything else.
So now I go back to being consumed by counting down the days until Tuesday, but as always, I will keep you all informed on how these turn out.
3 MORE DAYS!!!!!
Before I got pregnant with Mason I was over 150lbs (which is a lot for this 5'0 girl) and I lost 20lbs with him. In the months after he left us I put a lot of effort into Operation Baby Farm... and that included putting more effort into improving my eating habits and increasing my exercise routine. I have kept to both of those even after I learned I was pregnant. I understand that women have cravings while pregnant, but I don't think turning into a garbage disposal is appropriate for me. So I make an effort that if i am going to indulge it isn't in large amounts. I also get full really quickly so I haven't had much success finishing any meals. The perk to that is I am hungry again in a few hours so I guess it's good for my metabolism.
I was at the point of exercising a few times a week while being mindful of what I ate (for the most part-not trying to claim to be perfect here) and I have continued to lose weight each week. I only use the scale in my bathroom. In fact, I completely ignore the one at the doctors office because it is always different than what my constant scale at home says. I'm a big believer in sticking to one scale when you are being mindful of the ups and downs of your weight. According to my scale I've lost about 15-20 pounds since I found out I was pregnant. It's weird because everywhere else is slimming down but my belly has swollen up to make me look further along than I actually am. I wonder what I would look like without my belly and how skinny I would actually look.
I can't say I'm hating it, because when I first started gaining weight I focused on how my jawline would disappear and I finally have my jaw line back! I was worried though that my baby was somehow suffering from all the weight loss but my doctors kept reassuring me that I am just living healthy while many women use pregnancy as an excuse to eat everything and gain way more. So I felt confident I was making the right decisions.
Then the last few weeks I've been having really horrible migraines. Migraines are something I've been suffering with in my entire adult life, but pregnancy has been known to make headaches more intense. I finally got a chance to go into the doctors after not sleeping for almost 30 hours to try and get some answers. They told me it was ok to take vicodin- something I had been avoiding because I thought it would be bad for the baby. The dr insisted that not doing anything, not sleeping and not being able to keep any food down for days on end would do worse than taking a vicodin. (My migraines usually make me sick to my stomach even without the help of pregnancy hormones and this latest one was no different.)
My dr also suggested that I see a neurologist just to make sure everything looks ok. The other thing she did voice concern with was my weight loss which totally took me by surprise since they just spent months telling me not to worry about it. She isn't so concerned that she wanted to take drastic measures- my head always seems to go there- but she wanted me to see a specialist to make sure that I am getting what I need to. She explained that no matter what I put in my body the baby gets it first and I basically get what's left over. She was more worried that I was suffering... which I didn't get. My first instinct is if the baby is fine then who the heck cares about me? I know that isn't the most rational way of thinking but its how my brain was working at the time.
I knew I was being healthy, and my dr knows I am being healthy... so why do i have to see a specialist? I'm a little nervous about it, but as I think more and more about it I'm excited to see what they suggest. I got a juicer from a friend and have been researching recipes (and have failed at a few attempts) because I figured it was the best way to get nutrition into me in the morning while I am going through morning sickness. Yes, at 16 weeks I am still feeling the morning sickness but it's a walk in the park compared to what I went through with Mason so I try not to complain. I'm trying to look at these upcoming appointments with optimism because really I just don't have any room in my brain for anything else.
So now I go back to being consumed by counting down the days until Tuesday, but as always, I will keep you all informed on how these turn out.
3 MORE DAYS!!!!!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Full Circle
We have officially come full circle in our baby journey. At this point last time I had just taken my 2nd trimester genetic screening tests and a few days later I got a phone call saying we tested high for neural tube defects. Then I spent a week waiting for my appointment that would change our lives forever.
A few days ago I took the tests for the 2nd trimester screening again. This time is a little different... I didn't get a call a few days later revealing anything, but I still have to wait a week to go in for our level 2 ultrasound. At this point last time i was doing everything BUT writing or talking about it, and I figured this time I should try to do things differently. This ultrasound is really important... normally women get to go in at 20 weeks to find out the sex of their baby... this ultrasound is a level 2 for post test results, my "20 week" (that's in quotes because I'll only be 17 weeks at that point) and my pre-transfer check up.
Lets go through each one and why they are significant....
1. Level 2 and results... this is the part I'm having the hardest time dealing with. I can't help but feel like I did last time... like I am stuck waiting to see which way my life will go. Something is different this time though.. with Mason i saw all of it. I saw the future where I had to explain to people what was going on and what was going to happen. I could see us telling my parents, I could see myself stuck in bed with depression. I saw it all... this time I don't see anything. I'm not sure how to take it.... I'm not sure if its my brain trying to help me with self-preservation or if the small part of me that believes that unexplained things can happen and I can't see anything because there isn't anything to see.
It's so hard to let myself get excited, it has been the whole time. I get moments where I feel completely lucky and blessed and let myself go... but there are more moments where I feel like I can't get excited until I know everything's ok. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to, and there is a love that I can't even begin to describe... but I have a hard time making any plans for the future because I feel like I just can't yet.
2. 20 week ultrasound at 17 weeks. I am hoping more than anything that we will be able to see the sex of the baby. I don't know why but I feel like even if there is something wrong, i just NEED to know if there is an Averie or a Logan in my belly. It's just this overwhelming need that I must know. I don't know why... and it should probably be analyzed by a professional at some point lol but it's just very important to me to know. I am a little nervous because we are doing this appointment 3 weeks early (at the dr's insistence) that the baby won't be in a position where we will be able to tell. All things considered... I guess I would find a way to be ok with it.
3. Transferring hospitals. My insurance is in a contract dispute with the hospital I had originally planned to deliver at. Which also means I need to transfer doctors offices because my current one only delivers at the now off-limits hospital. I am nervous that this new location won't know me like my current one does. The only good thing is that it's the same group of doctors so I don't have to do any additional work- all my files and my entire history stays in the same database. I've gotten better about talking about what we have been through, but I know that first appointment will be difficult.
I know i have to face all of these things, and I know that I can. See, the one thing I know about myself now is that I can do anything. I can get through anything, especially with my husband by my side but even knowing these things... it's so hard not to be scared. I want to be brave for this baby, and I want to have positive thoughts and energy and prayers out there but there are moments... like right now... that I don't want to be brave. I want to just be scared and stay in bed and allow myself to go through these feelings, because I know what happens when you don't. I never want to hide in my fear again, and this blog... my friends... my family... my husband... they make going through this, and living outside my fears possible. So maybe my circle is actually broken because I feel like things could be different this time... but for now, we wait.
7 days.
A few days ago I took the tests for the 2nd trimester screening again. This time is a little different... I didn't get a call a few days later revealing anything, but I still have to wait a week to go in for our level 2 ultrasound. At this point last time i was doing everything BUT writing or talking about it, and I figured this time I should try to do things differently. This ultrasound is really important... normally women get to go in at 20 weeks to find out the sex of their baby... this ultrasound is a level 2 for post test results, my "20 week" (that's in quotes because I'll only be 17 weeks at that point) and my pre-transfer check up.
Lets go through each one and why they are significant....
1. Level 2 and results... this is the part I'm having the hardest time dealing with. I can't help but feel like I did last time... like I am stuck waiting to see which way my life will go. Something is different this time though.. with Mason i saw all of it. I saw the future where I had to explain to people what was going on and what was going to happen. I could see us telling my parents, I could see myself stuck in bed with depression. I saw it all... this time I don't see anything. I'm not sure how to take it.... I'm not sure if its my brain trying to help me with self-preservation or if the small part of me that believes that unexplained things can happen and I can't see anything because there isn't anything to see.
It's so hard to let myself get excited, it has been the whole time. I get moments where I feel completely lucky and blessed and let myself go... but there are more moments where I feel like I can't get excited until I know everything's ok. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to, and there is a love that I can't even begin to describe... but I have a hard time making any plans for the future because I feel like I just can't yet.
2. 20 week ultrasound at 17 weeks. I am hoping more than anything that we will be able to see the sex of the baby. I don't know why but I feel like even if there is something wrong, i just NEED to know if there is an Averie or a Logan in my belly. It's just this overwhelming need that I must know. I don't know why... and it should probably be analyzed by a professional at some point lol but it's just very important to me to know. I am a little nervous because we are doing this appointment 3 weeks early (at the dr's insistence) that the baby won't be in a position where we will be able to tell. All things considered... I guess I would find a way to be ok with it.
3. Transferring hospitals. My insurance is in a contract dispute with the hospital I had originally planned to deliver at. Which also means I need to transfer doctors offices because my current one only delivers at the now off-limits hospital. I am nervous that this new location won't know me like my current one does. The only good thing is that it's the same group of doctors so I don't have to do any additional work- all my files and my entire history stays in the same database. I've gotten better about talking about what we have been through, but I know that first appointment will be difficult.
I know i have to face all of these things, and I know that I can. See, the one thing I know about myself now is that I can do anything. I can get through anything, especially with my husband by my side but even knowing these things... it's so hard not to be scared. I want to be brave for this baby, and I want to have positive thoughts and energy and prayers out there but there are moments... like right now... that I don't want to be brave. I want to just be scared and stay in bed and allow myself to go through these feelings, because I know what happens when you don't. I never want to hide in my fear again, and this blog... my friends... my family... my husband... they make going through this, and living outside my fears possible. So maybe my circle is actually broken because I feel like things could be different this time... but for now, we wait.
7 days.
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