Last week we got a call that our genetic pre-screening came back positive for neural tube defects and that we would need to go in for a detailed ultrasound to make sure everything was ok. That could mean a lot of things but the worst case scenario was spinal bifida. I freaked out of course, and spent many sleepless nights worrying until our appointment today. My only saving grace during each day was that I had read there was a very high percentage of false positives on these tests, so i was convincing myself that nothing would be wrong, and that we could deal with it if there was.
Our appointment today, did not go the way i had hoped. We got the opposite news that we had hoped for: our baby has severe spinal bifida. It's hard to describe, but basically the spine is missing pieces and some of it is growing in a sack outside the the body and its pulling on the baby's brain. The Dr explained that they quality of life for our baby would be awful, and that we could choose to see a neural surgeon but they couldn't see a good outcome, or we could let our baby go.
We found out in the same appointment that Muffin is a boy. I was annoyed that it wasn't a girl like i thought it was, and then 10 minutes later we're told that our baby's quality of life would be horrible and given some options on how to deal with the situation. We sat in a conference room waiting for the counselor to come talk to us and all i could think was how could i have been such a bitch to be disappointed that our baby is a boy. Then i thought about having to tell our parents, and the people who care about us and i couldn't hold myself together anymore. The sounds i made while trying to talk I'd never heard myself make before, and i couldn't stop them.
We decided that it would be selfish to make our baby live a painful and hard life, so now we have to prepare ourselves to say goodbye and find a way to survive this. Its hard to describe all the things that go through your head while making this decision, and its the hardest thing either of us has ever had to decide, but we know we are making the right decision for our baby. He doesn't deserve the life that he is sure to have if we were to continue our pregnancy, and there is some comfort in our decision. However much our hearts are breaking its better that we feel pain, than our baby.
I'm finding strength in my husband, he is so strong for both of us in the moments that my strength has run out. This entire pregnancy has brought us closer together (something i didn't think possible) and i know that this experience will too... but for now...
I'm angry. I feel like my body betrayed me. It put me through hell in my first trimester only to rob me of ever holding my little muffin in my arms. I feel angry that I have diligently kept a journal chronicling everything that's happened, letting muffin know how much we wanted him and love him, only for him to never read it. I hate all the things in our apartment that make me cry then second i look at them. I'm angry at God, what the fuck are you trying to teach me? That those stupid bitches on 16 and pregnant deserve a baby more than us? We did everything we were supposed to- we dated for a LONG time to make sure we were a good fit, we got married, and then we went to the Dr to make sure we did everything right when it came to planning for a baby- we WANTED this baby so badly but nope, in an instant our world came crumbling down. 'Sorry guys- not you, not this time!'
I know that we are young, and we can try again- but right now i feel like i will never be ok. Like I'll never breathe again, and I'll just be waiting for the day like today where my body betrays me once again. How do people get through things like this? I find comfort in writing my feelings out, talking with my husband but will it ever be enough for me to feel ok again? Will i relive the amount of pain i feel right now every time someone asks what happened? Or people who haven't heard that ask how the baby is doing? I know myself very well and i have gone into almost catatonic or zombie-like stages over less in the past, so i know seeking help will be a must for me. I don't know where to start or even how to start... I do know that right now i cant handle seeing people's faces, or hearing their words of comfort... I know so many people will have the best intentions when they hear our news, but if you could all do us a favor and let us grieve alone- that is what we need right now.
Thank you to everyone that we love and love us.
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