Body After Baby

Tomorrow will be 1 week since we lost Mason, I'm not sure how I'll feel tomorrow but for today I am still at peace. I am struggling a little with the unknown, but I have plenty of distractions right now. One of them is my body. It's hard not to notice how much my body has changed in just 1 short week.

Here is a picture of my belly the day before we lost Mason:

This picture is really hard to look at, but essentially its all I have left of the physical proof that my body was so different such a short time ago. I have no qualms about sharing my body's details. My waist was measuring at 40" and my weight was 140. I had lost a total of 15lbs since I got pregnant but I didn't think to measure my 'pre baby' tummy. On this day I had no nausea, my breasts were very tender, and I was at 18.3 weeks. I am wearing the same pair of pants in all of these photos. I really can't wait to get out of these stinking maternity pants so I can take away one more reminder and move forward... I am still in limbo between regular clothes and maternity wear.

Here is my belly only 3 days after surgery:

I'm sure the black and the angle of me trying to get my whole tummy helps me looks slimmer, but at this point I had lost 2" from my waist but I hadn't lost any actual weight yet. My chest was the same size at this point too, and still very tender to the touch (which I had been dealing with since week 2). I was feeling ok physically, but still on some medication for pain.

Here is my body today, 6 days after surgery:

I have now lost 3" from my waist and I am down 2 pounds to 138. My chest has started to change shape, but I no longer have tenderness or a need for pain medications at most times. I am probably one of the only women on Earth that would be ok with a shrinking chest. Sometimes when I am laying flat I have a little abdominal pain but I am told that is normal. My wrist is still a bit swollen from the IV and it hurts if i apply pressure (like when I use a table to help me stand up) and the veins in my hand still hurt if I touch them.

I emailed my surgeon the other day to give her an update and find out if I was on the right track to healing, and she re-assured me that all of these things are normal. I also asked if I could start adding exercise back into my routine and she gave me the green light for my 1 week mark but to be cautious because increased blood flow can mess with the parts of my body that are still healing. I have a followup appointment with her on Tuesday and she is going to make sure I am healing the way I am supposed to. I don't think I will be able to completely relax until after I see her.

I have this fear that I am going to be in the small percentage of having severe scar tissue that will make it harder for us to conceive or carry in the future. Before all of this happened I had nicknamed myself the 'side effect queen' and always expected the worst. Then, when we got the news about our baby and it was the extreme worst case scenario... well... it's hard to convince yourself that isn't going to be the case again. This is one of the things I need to speak with our therapist about, because I don't want to spend my next pregnancy constantly holding my breath as we come across each land mark.

Right now I am feeling like it will be close to impossible to let my guard down when we do start trying again. Then there will be the breath holding until I'm considered 'safe' to announce your pregnancy at 12 weeks, and although we plan to do the genetic testing as early as possible I feel like I still won't really be able to breathe until we are past 18 weeks.

I already feel like I can't do anything the same the 2nd time around. Before I complained non-stop about being sick, I still had things that your supposed to avoid (I was very good and finding safe loop holes) and we didn't want to find out the sex. We found out he was a boy at the ultrasound where they discovered his Spina Bifida and there was no mistaking it because of how detailed they were and with how much he was moving around. I guess I do consider myself somewhat superstitious and the logical part of me knows that none of these things contributed to his condition in any way, but I probably won't be able to control all the irrational fears that I am bound to have.

It's very scary to not have any control in your future, and for a control freak like me it's absolute torture. All I can do to satisfy my need for balance and structure is to take all the vitamins I am told to, work on my exercise regimen and make sure that we are taking all the extra steps that we have put into motion to give us a successful future. Does it freak me out that my body continues to reverse right before my eyes? Of course... but it does make me feel better to make plans that make me feel like I am in control of my body (even if I'm really not...) I'll take the ignorance is bliss approach this one time.