I wanted to share something that i wrote before we got the go-ahead from our doctor. A friend of mine told me that she writes in a journal to her kid about all the things she does and plans to give it to her later on. I thought it was an incredible idea, so i started one of my own...what kid doesnt want to know how much they were wanted? This is the first entry in that journal.
8/6/11
Dear baby,
This might be strange for you to read one day, but i know that i would have loved to know what was going on in my parents heads while they were raising me. The part you might find strange is that you dont even exist yet. At this point in mine and daddys marriage, we are in the planning stages of our family.
We dont know when God will grace you-and us- in our lives. We just know that we want you SO badly. We are young and excited to begin our family. Daddy and i have only been married a short time, but we have known each other since we were 5 years old in kindergarten. (i then explain our story which many of you are tired of hearing so i will skip ahead)
He is a very good man, your daddy. I hope that you get to love and appreciate him the way i do. I also hope he is still the one cooking many years from now so you get to experience that part of him too! (if i am still fat when you read this- his cooking is at fault).
I have so many hopes and dreams for you little future baby. I cant wait for the first time i feel you kick in my belly, and for the first moment we meet. I am already in love and you havent even been conceived yet. (I'll give you a moment to gag).
Here is a list of the things i hope you get to experience or have in your lifetime, and i hope i am around to cheer you on.
1. A kind heart just like your daddy. I hope we have been able to follow through in showing you what its like to love unconditionally. To accept all that you meet for who they are and that you are able to see all the good around you. I hope you are able to laugh at life and not take things as seriously as i do.
2. I hope we have passed onto you some from of artistic expression. I never want you to feel like you cant express who you are, and i pray that you are blessed with a gift that allows you to share it with others. I want you to know baby, that no matter who you turn out to be, who you love, what you stand for- we will always love you, and respect you, and support you. You may not feel that we do sometime in your life, but one day when you become a parent (if you choose to) you will understand all that goes into being a parent. I know we will make mistakes as your parents, but you have to know that every decision we will make will come from a place of love and only wanting the best for you.
3. i hope you fall in love many times. I hope that you are able to grow and learn each time. I hope the first time your heart is broken that i am able to be your support. When i was a teenager all i wanted was someone to be there for me, but i wouldnt allow myself to let down any walls, and it only made things harder. I hope if i can do anything for you, that you would let in and allow me to do for you what no one could do for me. I hope you take your time to find the one, many people are in such a hurry to experience life, that they miss the little things around them.
4. I hope for your happiness- daddy and i will do what we can to help, but true happiness comes from within. This is a lesson that is hard for a lot of people to learn. They think that if they can have the best or most of something it will make them happy. Some people spend their time making others sad so they dont have to see what is going on inside themselves. I hope we teach you confidence and the skills to help you when the confidence waivers. I hope you see the beauty in the world around you.
5. Daddy wont agree with this one, but i hope you read everything you can get your hands on. My dad read to me every night- not just kids books but he read to me about the greek gods, the pyramids, giants, princesses and even mythology. I loved those moments and i hope to have them with you. I am very proud of my vocabulary and i know reading everything i could helped. If you are lucky enough to get daddys memory and my love of reading (and writing as it turns out) you could really do anything. If not, well thats ok too.
6. Family is so important. Daddy was lucky, he grew up with all his cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents all around him. All of my family is spread throughout the country. This one is hard to control, because life can lead you anywhere, but i hope we are able to give you an experience more like your daddys- with family surrounding you. Its ok to do things the way i did too- i made my own family in the incredible friends i had around me. Good friends are hard to find baby, so when you find them, hold onto them.
7. It occurred to me today that i dont want you to be like me. I am impatient (which should be obvious as i am writing to the future) and i am stubborn. I have a bad temper too, which is really only good for getting me into trouble. The biggest thing about me that i hope you dont get, is fear. I have spent most of my life feeling like i was meant for something special, that i was meant to do more in my life- but i have also spent most of my life being too scared to find out if that is true.
I am good at a lot of things, I like to think i am pretty good at writing too. I dont ever share these things with daddy because i am too scared. i have made mistakes in my past that i have ended up being thankful for, but i am consumed by what other people will do or think if i were ever to put myself out there.
I pray baby, that you arent like me. I hope you are able to share who you are with no reservations. I hope when you find the things your good at, the things that make you special, you are able to put it out there and just let it be. Just being doesnt happen as much as it should, but i hope for you, that it does.
I love you without knowing you,
Mommy
Monday, October 31, 2011
FAQ about our Muffin
Just in case you didnt get the memo, my husband and i announced with our Halloween costumes that we are expecting a wee one. Here is a photo:
I have purposefully not brought up babies or having a family at all on this blog since i last wrote about it... i didnt want to jinx anything. If you need a refresher you can visit the post here i also promised my friends that my fb wouldnt turn into baby this, baby that. So i am hoping to answer everyones questions here so that i can continue to have some baby free time too- ya know, soak up that last bit of independance before someone is always with me when i need to pee....
Now for the FAQ:
-just a side note, these are the questions i have gotten non stop since we announced it to our family weeks ago and only magnified since we came out on Saturday...
1.What changed your mind? I thought you were still wresting with the decision to start a family or not. What about all the stuff about keeping your independance?
The answer may be disappointing, but i lied. I wrote about it in a previous post, that i had so many struggles when it came to my ovaries that the outlook for kids wasnt so good at first. I was trying to convince myself that i didnt need kids to feel like i had a valid family. That is still true, Kevin could be enough if thats what it came down to. He is more than enough, but when you are given very specific instructions by one of the country's best fertility doctors with the promise that it would work- well, how could i pass that up? It also happened to be perfect timing, the baby is due in June and Kevin graduates from school in May and we can move home and be around our family while we learn the ropes of being new parents. Also, my husband who is a chronic worrier, had a smile on his face when i told him- that pretty much did me in.
2. When did you find out?
I pretty much knew right away because i did a TON of research. We got the 'go ahead' if you will from the Dr with the date that just happened to be the 6 month anniversary of our wedding, so we decided to make it a romantic evening with dinner and a movie at home with lots of candles. The logic was more for me, that even if it didnt happen, i had a wonderful night to remember. I had some cramping right at the 2 week mark and took an early test on October 5th that came back negative. I knew that the odds of an early test were slim so i waited 2 more days and took another test on October 7th that confirmed everything.
3. How did you tell Kevin?
It was really early in the morning on October 7th, Kevin was still in bed sleeping when i snuck off to do the test. My thought behind this was a just in case thing, if i wasnt then i could have some time to cry and compose myself before waking him up. Luckily it was a huge yes so naturally i ran into the room and jumped on him and thrust my (sanatized- come on now people i hate germs!) test into his face. It took a minute before he realized what i was so excited about and we layed in bed most of the morning cuddling my little test and talking about how our lives were changed forever.
4. How are you feeling?
The short answer: like crap. On the day i turned exactally 6 weeks i started getting sick. I think its a cruel thing to call it morning sickness since its all day every day. I would much rather get sick once every morning than 20 times a day. I have gotten a LOT of advise and help from my doctor for this, but its still persistant. I'm just praying that it doesnt last the entire 9 months like i've heard that it can. I am literally counting down the days until my 2nd trimester and i can enjoy this miracle a little more.
5. When are you due/How far along are you?
I am due 6/13/12 but we all know that babies come when they are ready... I will be 8 weeks tomorrow. Right now the baby is the size of a blueberry and it looks like this:
(thats the heart beat under along the bottom) i got to hear it on my last visit. The feeling is indescribable, i will get back to you if i ever figure out how to talk about it) the baby is developing its harms and legs, and i got to see its tiny heart beating.
6. What does being pregnant feel like?
Well right now it kind of feels like im being punished. I know thats a strange answer, but I am not showing yet and there is all this stuff i cant do or have: fish, deli meat, alcohol, exercize, swim... the list goes on and on. I am sure there are people out there who argue that our parents were just fine, but i could potentially turn into a high risk pregnancy, so i am taking extra precautions until my 2nd trimester and doing exactally as i am told. So, its kind of like being grounded from all the things i love, but its completly and totally worth it.
7. When do you get to find out the sex of the baby?
This is the question i dread, because the answer is 6/13/12. We have decided not to find out until the baby is born. Everyone is telling us that we are crazy, telling us how impossible it is to have a baby shower without knowing, and then they place bets on when we will crack. If we do, we probably wouldnt advertise it anyway, this is one thing that i think is pretty sacred- we created this life and we are *mushy alert!* SO incredably grateful, that we honestly dont care if its a boy or a girl. I am horrible at keeping secrets and super impatient, so i am going to keep riding this feeling as long as i can, if it does eventually drive me nuts, i will find out. For now however, not knowing is even more excited. (Psst... we decided to go with an animal theme so all 'baby colors' are included and its takes away from gender specific roles)
8. What is all this 'muffin' business?
It shouldnt come to a surprise for those of you that know me, that i had already planned out how we were going to announce our pregnancy even before i became pregnant. I had the oven and baker idea ready to go and we had talked about waiting to find out the sex before conception as well. We decided that 'bun' was too boring, and 'cupcake' was a little on the girly side. I also didnt like the typical names 'bean, button, little one, ect. It also happened that we knew it would be the size of a poppy seed when we got the positive results... so we called it our 'poppy seed muffin' so we could talk about it in code without letting anyone in. Now, its the size of a blueberry so its a 'blueberry muffin' and it will continue to evolve... even when its a 'cantelope muffin' we will stick with it because it makes our day just to say it outloud.
I hope that answers everyones questions, i would like to say on behalf of my husband and i that we are just so... crazy excited, its hard to contain. Now that the cat is out of the bag we just cant wait for our muffin to be here. Thank you to all of our family and friends who have been so supportive, it means the world to us, and it feels amazing to bring a new life into a world surrounded by love.
Now for the FAQ:
-just a side note, these are the questions i have gotten non stop since we announced it to our family weeks ago and only magnified since we came out on Saturday...
1.What changed your mind? I thought you were still wresting with the decision to start a family or not. What about all the stuff about keeping your independance?
The answer may be disappointing, but i lied. I wrote about it in a previous post, that i had so many struggles when it came to my ovaries that the outlook for kids wasnt so good at first. I was trying to convince myself that i didnt need kids to feel like i had a valid family. That is still true, Kevin could be enough if thats what it came down to. He is more than enough, but when you are given very specific instructions by one of the country's best fertility doctors with the promise that it would work- well, how could i pass that up? It also happened to be perfect timing, the baby is due in June and Kevin graduates from school in May and we can move home and be around our family while we learn the ropes of being new parents. Also, my husband who is a chronic worrier, had a smile on his face when i told him- that pretty much did me in.
2. When did you find out?
I pretty much knew right away because i did a TON of research. We got the 'go ahead' if you will from the Dr with the date that just happened to be the 6 month anniversary of our wedding, so we decided to make it a romantic evening with dinner and a movie at home with lots of candles. The logic was more for me, that even if it didnt happen, i had a wonderful night to remember. I had some cramping right at the 2 week mark and took an early test on October 5th that came back negative. I knew that the odds of an early test were slim so i waited 2 more days and took another test on October 7th that confirmed everything.
3. How did you tell Kevin?
It was really early in the morning on October 7th, Kevin was still in bed sleeping when i snuck off to do the test. My thought behind this was a just in case thing, if i wasnt then i could have some time to cry and compose myself before waking him up. Luckily it was a huge yes so naturally i ran into the room and jumped on him and thrust my (sanatized- come on now people i hate germs!) test into his face. It took a minute before he realized what i was so excited about and we layed in bed most of the morning cuddling my little test and talking about how our lives were changed forever.
4. How are you feeling?
The short answer: like crap. On the day i turned exactally 6 weeks i started getting sick. I think its a cruel thing to call it morning sickness since its all day every day. I would much rather get sick once every morning than 20 times a day. I have gotten a LOT of advise and help from my doctor for this, but its still persistant. I'm just praying that it doesnt last the entire 9 months like i've heard that it can. I am literally counting down the days until my 2nd trimester and i can enjoy this miracle a little more.
5. When are you due/How far along are you?
I am due 6/13/12 but we all know that babies come when they are ready... I will be 8 weeks tomorrow. Right now the baby is the size of a blueberry and it looks like this:
6. What does being pregnant feel like?
Well right now it kind of feels like im being punished. I know thats a strange answer, but I am not showing yet and there is all this stuff i cant do or have: fish, deli meat, alcohol, exercize, swim... the list goes on and on. I am sure there are people out there who argue that our parents were just fine, but i could potentially turn into a high risk pregnancy, so i am taking extra precautions until my 2nd trimester and doing exactally as i am told. So, its kind of like being grounded from all the things i love, but its completly and totally worth it.
7. When do you get to find out the sex of the baby?
This is the question i dread, because the answer is 6/13/12. We have decided not to find out until the baby is born. Everyone is telling us that we are crazy, telling us how impossible it is to have a baby shower without knowing, and then they place bets on when we will crack. If we do, we probably wouldnt advertise it anyway, this is one thing that i think is pretty sacred- we created this life and we are *mushy alert!* SO incredably grateful, that we honestly dont care if its a boy or a girl. I am horrible at keeping secrets and super impatient, so i am going to keep riding this feeling as long as i can, if it does eventually drive me nuts, i will find out. For now however, not knowing is even more excited. (Psst... we decided to go with an animal theme so all 'baby colors' are included and its takes away from gender specific roles)
8. What is all this 'muffin' business?
It shouldnt come to a surprise for those of you that know me, that i had already planned out how we were going to announce our pregnancy even before i became pregnant. I had the oven and baker idea ready to go and we had talked about waiting to find out the sex before conception as well. We decided that 'bun' was too boring, and 'cupcake' was a little on the girly side. I also didnt like the typical names 'bean, button, little one, ect. It also happened that we knew it would be the size of a poppy seed when we got the positive results... so we called it our 'poppy seed muffin' so we could talk about it in code without letting anyone in. Now, its the size of a blueberry so its a 'blueberry muffin' and it will continue to evolve... even when its a 'cantelope muffin' we will stick with it because it makes our day just to say it outloud.
I hope that answers everyones questions, i would like to say on behalf of my husband and i that we are just so... crazy excited, its hard to contain. Now that the cat is out of the bag we just cant wait for our muffin to be here. Thank you to all of our family and friends who have been so supportive, it means the world to us, and it feels amazing to bring a new life into a world surrounded by love.
Friday, October 28, 2011
All or Nothing
I am one of those people that are all or nothing, there really isn't an 'in between' mode. When i was a kid there were my friends and there were people who told me they 'hated' me. I didn't really get but it kept continuing through Jr High, High School and as an adult people don't declare they hate me, but its obvious that when you meet me you either love me or hate me. I have come to realize too that most of the people i meet are not worth my time. I am told that isn't a favorable quality of mine, but i just don't understand wasting time on people that i can tell right away aren't worth it.
However, when i meet someone and love them right away i am instantly supportive, available and kind. When i care about you, i care about you with all i have. I don't put levels on my friendships, i don't weigh who means more to me and why. Other people have a problem with this- i also don't understand why. Why is it important to assign levels to your friendships? I also don't feel like friendships should be at a constant weight and measure. If I have a problem with something, i voice it. If someone has a problem with me i expect them to tell me so we can fix it. One thing i am always open to is becoming a better person and friend, so i cant stand it when people expect me to just know what they are upset about.
In the last year or so, i decided to be more honest with myself and with my feelings towards other people. I have written heart felt honest messages to 4 people and I've gotten mixed reviews. From 2 people i have grown and built on previously bad relationships into good friendships. From 2 i got an explosive crazy reaction back- basically telling me to go f*** myself. Now all 4 letters were basically the same, i am told I'm good with my words so that's what i relied on as my vessel- but yet the reactions are 50/50.
I'm not one of those people who think 'oh it must be them, not me' i try to look at myself and see how i could have been better, how i can improve and how to grow in my communication skills. Its hard too, when at 25 I'm realizing that most of the friendships and people i met when i was younger have been some of the greatest people to be in my life. In the last 2 years I've probably reconnected with 80% of these people and been so happy and grateful. I just wish that the people I've met in my adult life could measure up, because all I've been met with (for the most part- of course there were a few gems here and there) are people that have disappointed me in one way or another- and i can take A LOT more than other people can in that department. Then i come back to my theory of not wasting time, i guess its OK with me if that sounds harsh, but i don't understand why anyone would want to waste a moment of their precious life being unhappy or disappointed. All or Nothing is a great philosophy in my opinion.
The moral of the story, you CAN go home again, especially if the people that make you feel at home are willing to let you.
However, when i meet someone and love them right away i am instantly supportive, available and kind. When i care about you, i care about you with all i have. I don't put levels on my friendships, i don't weigh who means more to me and why. Other people have a problem with this- i also don't understand why. Why is it important to assign levels to your friendships? I also don't feel like friendships should be at a constant weight and measure. If I have a problem with something, i voice it. If someone has a problem with me i expect them to tell me so we can fix it. One thing i am always open to is becoming a better person and friend, so i cant stand it when people expect me to just know what they are upset about.
In the last year or so, i decided to be more honest with myself and with my feelings towards other people. I have written heart felt honest messages to 4 people and I've gotten mixed reviews. From 2 people i have grown and built on previously bad relationships into good friendships. From 2 i got an explosive crazy reaction back- basically telling me to go f*** myself. Now all 4 letters were basically the same, i am told I'm good with my words so that's what i relied on as my vessel- but yet the reactions are 50/50.
I'm not one of those people who think 'oh it must be them, not me' i try to look at myself and see how i could have been better, how i can improve and how to grow in my communication skills. Its hard too, when at 25 I'm realizing that most of the friendships and people i met when i was younger have been some of the greatest people to be in my life. In the last 2 years I've probably reconnected with 80% of these people and been so happy and grateful. I just wish that the people I've met in my adult life could measure up, because all I've been met with (for the most part- of course there were a few gems here and there) are people that have disappointed me in one way or another- and i can take A LOT more than other people can in that department. Then i come back to my theory of not wasting time, i guess its OK with me if that sounds harsh, but i don't understand why anyone would want to waste a moment of their precious life being unhappy or disappointed. All or Nothing is a great philosophy in my opinion.
The moral of the story, you CAN go home again, especially if the people that make you feel at home are willing to let you.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Thankful
Its been a while since i have posted, i have been incredibly busy (i really know no other speed) but thankfully haven't had much to gripe about in the last few weeks. I am trying this new thing, where i go with the flow, and i have been very happy with the results. I have always known i was blessed in my life, even when times are hard, but here are a few things i have been thankful for lately..
I recently went on my first road trip with my BFF. The only road trips i had been on in the past are with my husband and family, so this is a new thing for me. I loved every second of it! The old me would have been obsessed with music, how many miles we were making per hour, the perfect road trip outfit, snacks and our itinerary when we got there. I am very glad to say that i didn't think about any of these things, and the 6 1/2 hour drive to the desert went by in a flash.
There is something you should know about my best friend, she is amazing. She has the biggest heart I've ever known, is always up for a good time, and her laugh is infectious. She has such a great attitude, and when she doesn't, its always a valid conversation about life. She has insight on the important things, and most of the time she doesn't even realize how brilliant she is, its adorable and part of her sweetheart charm and a big reason i love her so much.
The friend we were visiting is equally amazing. I've been friends with her since i was in high school, and while she likes to joke about how she graduated high school the same year i was born, she has never thrown her age in my face. She always made me feel important even when i was a silly teenager. She has a heart of gold, that will ultimately melt your soul the more you get to know her. She has so much wisdom but isn't forceful when it comes to offering life advice. She loves with no exceptions, and i have always felt lucky to have her to talk to.
My husband... i think people get tired of hearing how wonderful he is, but that doesn't mean i will ever stop talking about it. He has been going to school and work 7 days a week since August... literally having something to do every single day of the week with no days off and he hasn't complained once. I am completely impressed by the way he has been acting like a man, doing things that i know must suck for him, but hes doing it for our future. He has always been the one to think logically when it came to my grand plans about our future. I know if it was me in his shoes (and it was for a long time) i would do nothing but complain.
He can be so strong when it counts and it always takes me by surprise. I don't know why i am surprised each time, because he is always consistent in this way. He has been my rock since we started dating over 6 years ago. He is the one i go to when I'm unsure, scared, or just want to talk things out and he knows exactly what to say or do to make it better. I honestly don't know how i would function without him. Some women, when i talk about him, talk down to me for depending on him so much.
I personally don't see anything wrong with depending on your partner, if you cant lean on someone, why did you pick them as your partner? Isn't that what a partner is for- to be your other half, the one that completes you, the one you can laugh and cry with and not worry it changes their view on you? I am the same for him, so why is depending on someone usually met with annoying comments? I usually have to defend how much time we spend together too, but i usually just remind people that i actually like my husband and spending time with him. I have come to realize the people who don't understand are usually just trying to project their issues onto me.
What it all comes down to, is that i am incredibly thankful for my husband and the quality of friends i have in my life.
I recently went on my first road trip with my BFF. The only road trips i had been on in the past are with my husband and family, so this is a new thing for me. I loved every second of it! The old me would have been obsessed with music, how many miles we were making per hour, the perfect road trip outfit, snacks and our itinerary when we got there. I am very glad to say that i didn't think about any of these things, and the 6 1/2 hour drive to the desert went by in a flash.
There is something you should know about my best friend, she is amazing. She has the biggest heart I've ever known, is always up for a good time, and her laugh is infectious. She has such a great attitude, and when she doesn't, its always a valid conversation about life. She has insight on the important things, and most of the time she doesn't even realize how brilliant she is, its adorable and part of her sweetheart charm and a big reason i love her so much.
The friend we were visiting is equally amazing. I've been friends with her since i was in high school, and while she likes to joke about how she graduated high school the same year i was born, she has never thrown her age in my face. She always made me feel important even when i was a silly teenager. She has a heart of gold, that will ultimately melt your soul the more you get to know her. She has so much wisdom but isn't forceful when it comes to offering life advice. She loves with no exceptions, and i have always felt lucky to have her to talk to.
My husband... i think people get tired of hearing how wonderful he is, but that doesn't mean i will ever stop talking about it. He has been going to school and work 7 days a week since August... literally having something to do every single day of the week with no days off and he hasn't complained once. I am completely impressed by the way he has been acting like a man, doing things that i know must suck for him, but hes doing it for our future. He has always been the one to think logically when it came to my grand plans about our future. I know if it was me in his shoes (and it was for a long time) i would do nothing but complain.
He can be so strong when it counts and it always takes me by surprise. I don't know why i am surprised each time, because he is always consistent in this way. He has been my rock since we started dating over 6 years ago. He is the one i go to when I'm unsure, scared, or just want to talk things out and he knows exactly what to say or do to make it better. I honestly don't know how i would function without him. Some women, when i talk about him, talk down to me for depending on him so much.
I personally don't see anything wrong with depending on your partner, if you cant lean on someone, why did you pick them as your partner? Isn't that what a partner is for- to be your other half, the one that completes you, the one you can laugh and cry with and not worry it changes their view on you? I am the same for him, so why is depending on someone usually met with annoying comments? I usually have to defend how much time we spend together too, but i usually just remind people that i actually like my husband and spending time with him. I have come to realize the people who don't understand are usually just trying to project their issues onto me.
What it all comes down to, is that i am incredibly thankful for my husband and the quality of friends i have in my life.
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