I wish I could choose what to forget and what to remember

With everything my husband and I have gone through lately, I guess I forgot that he can still make me mad sometimes. He's been amazing and supportive that I forgot that we are still like everyone else and that we can fight over dumb things.

Tonight we were bickering over the smallest of small things. I saw it happening and didn't do anything to fix it. I can't speak for his feelings or thought process but I was in a horrible mood. It probably started with the letter yesterday but I honestly couldn't say if that's true. I do know that I woke up angry at the world for all the things I can't change and I just flat out didnt care- about anything. This isnt a good quality of mine I know, I just can't help but shut down sometimes.

Last night I couldn't stop the sadness that came over me and I cried for a really long time. So much actually that I was concerned about keeping my husband up and insisted on going into the other room so he could sleep. He tred multiple times to comfort me and told me not to worry about him but i honestly just wanted to be alone in my sadness. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I miss my son. I miss him being in my belly, even though I didn't really get a chance to feel him I loved knowing he was there. I guess you could say I've been feeling 'empty' lately but I don't know how to fix it, so instead I'm involuntarily taking it out on my husband, which brings me to right now.

I'm sitting alone in a parking lot because I really have nowhere else to go but I just had to get out of our apartment. It's not entirely my husband that I needed a break from but everything in that place makes me sad. I try really hard to move on, and sometimes I make leaps and bounds but last night and today feel like I've taken so many steps back. We put all his things in a box and left it out so I could go through them when I wanted but now it's like this off limits zone I stay away from. I hate going into our room and seeing our bed and remembering that morning I got a positive test, and that we spent hours excited for our new life, and then just months later- that same spot grieving that same future.

I know it's not fair to take it out on him, and I'm sure his foul mood today is stemmed from the same emotional place but just this one time I really needed to be 100% alone and I couldn't do that in our apartment... So here I sit until I'm ready to go back, part of me wants it to be soon because I love my husband more than this world and he is all
I have, but part of me needs to just be here and let these feelings come and go and I need to stop fighting them.

I had hoped to start writing about happier things by this point but I guess it's just not time yet... I guess I'll keep riding the waves no matter how frustrating it is.