Realizations and Resolutions

Well, Santa did not bring me a positive pregnancy test. It was the perfect storm of events that led us to miss our fertility window, plus the fact that this time of year is really hard for me emotionally... all things that led to no baby making during December's small window.

I still have a lot of mixed feelings about it. Right after our window metaphorically closed and it dawned on me what that actually meant, I cried. A lot. I'm probably still crying about it. It's hard to tell if I'm crying from that, or from memories... I'm not really sure. There were a couple reasons it didn't happen and it just seems easier to blame those instead of realize that sometimes that's just how things go, but because we've been trying for over a year it's hard not to feel defeated... even when things are out of my control. Which brings me to resolution #1: To try harder at being ok with the way things are, instead of constantly trying to change them. Being patient is a really big part of that, I need to constantly remind myself that things happen when they're supposed to, and no amount of planning and scheming is going to move them along any quicker.

This is actually a strange time in my life because I'm equally happy and sad. There is a lot of stress in my life right now as I worry about my unemployment coming to an end, running a business, trying to get pregnant and all the other things that come along with running a household. The one bright spot in my life is my little girl, who reminds me every day that things are ok, just because she's here with me. I would like to say my husband is one of them, but like any marriage some days he's the brightest spot and some days he's the source of my stress. I will say that no matter how I feel about him on any given day, he is always present, working hard for us and for our family.

This has been another hard year for us, but I want to make the distinction here that our year hasn't been hard BECAUSE of us, it's just been hard ON us. It really seems like we haven't had a break since before Mason. We just keep getting thrown all these curve balls, but we always survive them. That's something worth noting in any relationship I think, knowing that you can face anything and still come out together... maybe not on top lol... but together. Together is always the important part. My husband really is such a good man and deserves the world. That brings me to resolution #2: Find ways to honor and show appreciation for the man that deals with every mood swing, every overdraft fee, every late night I want a snack, every time we're all snuggled in bed and I make him go check on random noises in the house. He does it all for us every day, and I know I don't thank him enough.

Lately, wanting another baby sometimes consumes me completely, and maybe that's just because of this time of year or I am finally getting to my breaking point after trying for so long... but it has been driving me crazy the last few months when I have gotten my period. It's an unnecessarily overly emotional time and when it's over I'm annoyed at myself for being so sad about it. It's dumb, people try to get pregnant and don't for months. I am not the only one. Clearly I'm not as in control of my emotions as I have been in the past (which is it's own annoyance), but what is helping is having someone else going through a very similar situation. It sucks that we're both going through this but the funny thing is we are on the same cycle so we are literally going through each stage- and the awful waiting part- together.

Then, a few days ago I had a realization hit me in the face. I'm not in some kind of denial that my kid is perfect, but I am constantly in awe of her. At almost 2, she shows me every day what a huge heart she has. She loves animals, she loves her mommy- to the point of being rude to daddy haha, she has a killer sense of humor and loves to be silly. This girl lives for a laugh. She's the best little girl and makes me feel whole. I realize I may be singing a different tune when we get to the Terrible Two's and Three's but I'm just going to soak up ever moment of her while I can.

Anyway, right before Christmas I was sitting on the couch watching her play and she was once again being adorable (seriously, this girl always is) and I started to pray. I asked God to put my life in his hands, to take all the things I want and all the things I dream for and asked Him to let them happen. I agreed then and there to let them happen on His terms, in His time and I would wait and look for the signs. The only thing I wanted was help in letting this happen, to let go and not be so obsessed with WHEN WHEN WHEN. When will we have money again, when will we have another baby, when will all the hard work pay off? When will Christmas be a happy time for me again? When will I finally get off my ass and lose this weight? Then something happened. I got this overwhelming feeling and a thought kept repeating itself in my head "Averie is enough. Averie is enough. Averie is enough."

I've been letting that thought bounce around for a few days, while sitting back and observing my life. What I've seen is if I just sit back and let things happen, they will. I had a wonderful Christmas with my family, and it was so wonderful to experience it though Averie's eyes. By stepping back it also allowed other aspects of my life to come together. Someone I previously had conflict with made steps to show me they were willing to go out of their way to resolve it. Somehow, it worked out so we could pay every bill this month. I lost a pound. And of course Averie, she makes me feel loved on a regular basis, but ever since I realized she was enough it's like it's opened my heart to a whole new level of loving her. It's hard to explain, let's just say that my heart needed glasses, and me being sad and worrying about having another baby was the evil insurance company keeping me from fulfilling my prescription.

This brings me to resolution #3: If I never have another baby, it'll be ok, and I'll be ok. I have a son waiting for me in Heaven and I have an angel of a daughter here on Earth who deserves all of me, not most of me. She deserves everything, and while I know I can't give her everything all the time, I can try to. I can vow now to always try my best and be the mom she deserves.

In 2014 I really tried to focus on myself and my journey to self improvement. I don't think everything is magically going to change or get better just because it's a new year. One thing time has taught me is that it actually goes in circles. There are days where I feel amazing and I know what I want and how to get it, and there are days that I feel like I fail at everything. There are times when I almost forget the awful decision I had to make 3 years ago, and then there are times when all I do is picture myself in that doctors office and I literally can't breathe. I think it's impossible to ever really get over something like that, of any kind of loss really, but it does pass... maybe the key is knowing that it will be back so enjoy the good times while you can. There ya go... I think I just found resolution #4.

I'm Baaaaaaaaack!

So... it's been a while. A LONG WHILE. For that, I apologize. I checked out my stats from while I was "dark" and it was a pleasant surprise to see that many of my readers didn't give up on  me. My page views only went down a little, and for that I would like to say thank you for sticking with me this long... even when I didn't have anything to say.

I suppose an update is in order right? Since getting laid off in July I've been focusing solely on my business and my family. I am very happy to report that all are going very very well. My business took off after I launched it! I am so proud of my little bow baby. I am happy to go to "work" every day, with coffee in hand and usually in my PJ's haha! It's really wonderful to see something that I never thought could be possible come to fruition and on top of that, find that I can actually be successful at it. We've been open since July 1st and we have already turned a profit! That's an accomplishment I'm pretty proud of, since most businesses don't do that until after their 1st year.

When I got laid off I was a little lost... I wasn't sure what to do with my time. It was my dream to be home with my daughter but after a few weeks even she was ready for a change of scenery. I developed a schedule for myself that worked out really well. After feeding her in the morning I would make all of us breakfast, then clean a room in the house (I made myself a schedule and everything), then I would work out and then I would work on orders. I really love structure so I didn't feel happy and settled into my new life until I had a schedule worked out for myself. Even if no one else knows that I'm following it, I like having a set plan for each day.

After those 1st few weeks my mother in law talked to me about watching my daughter. Basically she made it clear that she still wanted to watch her sometimes, even if I was now a stay at home mom. It ended up working out that she would take her for a few hours M-F after her nap so I could do things around the house that are difficult to do with a toddler clinging to my leg 24/7. Then my business really started taking off and I needed more time to work on orders. She now has her for a set schedule M-F so I can focus on all the orders I have coming in each week. It's amazing. I also don't feel like I'm missing anything because when I miss her, I can just walk next door and give her a hug and a kiss... I literally have the best of both worlds and I am so thankful.

I took the last few months to really focus on my marriage. When I got laid off and all the financial aspects of our new situation hit us, it was not an easy time for us. But we made a plan and we are slowly working our way out of our financial black hole. A successful business, a happy couple and a new promotion for the hubby is the recipe to success we needed. He's quietly working on other endeavors and dreams for himself but it's not the right time to share those yet... all I can say is I am so proud to see him going after the things he wants in life and being so excited about them.

I know many of you come here to read about our baby journey. I have an update for you! I have to back track a little though...
About 8 or 9 months ago we learned that our High School 10 year reunion was coming up in November. It lit a fire under me to Get Fit or Get Pregnant. I've been working on the Get Fit part, and am happy to report that I've lost 10lbs in only a few months (it took me a while to get a program that worked for me) but we weren't getting pregnant.

I am still nursing, but SO MANY people get pregnant while they're nursing that I didn't think it was hindering me in any way. Then I spoke with my Dr and after some testing we found out that I am part of a small percentage of women who's hormones work in overdrive while they are nursing. This is why I was still gaining weight and why I still hadn't had my period return (including pregnancy it's been over 2 years). Consequently, I also wasn't actually ovulating. I had been tracking it at home and even though my home test was telling me I was ovulating we still weren't pregnant. The only solution my Dr had was to stop nursing so my body could get back into it's natural cycle. Well... that wasn't going to fly with me.

Then I spent 3 days agonizing over what we should do. On one hand I had been through so much in my breast feeding journey and I wasn't ready to end it. Heck, Averie showed no signs of being ok with it! On the other hand we knew that we didn't want a huge age gap between our kids and Averie is now 20 months. I had finally decided to limit her nursing to once a day right when she wakes up. We were going to start on Monday. I wasn't super happy but at the same time I was excited.

That Sunday morning I woke up to find I had gotten my period.

So a new plan was born: I would start tracking my ovulation again and we would get back on the baby making train. For now we are tracking and trying... with Averie my ovulation tests were negative when we conceived her, so I don't put too much faith in the accuracy of those! We are having fun trying and I pray to God every night that Santa will give me a positive pregnancy test for Christmas. Hopefully we'll have exciting news in the near future but for now I'm enjoying my simply sweet life.

I'm happy. I'm blessed. I'm grateful.

#30DaysOfBrave

On June 29th I accepted a Facebook invitation to join a group called 30 Days of Brave. Basically, you pick 5 goals that you'd like to accomplish, or 5 things you'd like to make sure to do every day and you spend the next 30 days getting yourself out of your comfort zone and forcing yourself to live a brave life. What that means is different from person to person, but when I saw it, I knew I had to join.

On June 30th I went to work like normal, got my coffee, sat down and was asked to come into my boss' office. He let me know that the company was laying me off. He was personally upset about the decision, he had taken me under his wing to help me grow with the company. The company decided to move my position down south, it was as simple as that. I can't say I was surprised... the person I was hired to assist was let go when I was only there for 2 weeks. I had been working without a direct report for over 6 months. When they finally hired someone and told me he was located in LA I was aware that this was a possibility. There was nothing I did to help them make that decision, there was no problem in my work ethic... so why was I left feeling completely inadequate?

This was the day before my business launch, was this God telling me I needed to focus on that instead? Was this a sign I've been asking for to go back to school? I was sure it meant something, I just wasn't sure what.

It's taken me over a week to figure out how I feel about it, and even now I am still not 100% sure how it all makes me feel. At first I was mad that I got dressed and put on make up just to be sent home (a phone call would have worked too!) then I was happy I wouldn't have to sit across from my super racist/homophobic co-worker anymore and that I could spend my days at home with Averie. Then I got scared- how are we going to survive on Kevin's income and my extremely tiny unemployment?

That Tuesday Kevin and I sat down to figure out what my next steps would be, and he told me how he knew I wanted to stay home with Averie. With his blessing, that's what I'm going to be doing until my unemployment runs out or until he gets a new job. Whichever comes first (we're hoping the job thing works out- he went on a few interviews with a company he is really excited about, so keep those fingers and toes crossed for us.) He told me as long as I was bringing in something financially, like my unemployment we would be fine. We made the decision to sell my car and be a one car family. Luckily, I didn't have to look far- we are selling it family! I really love my car, so I'm happy I'll get to see it haha!

On Wednesday we got a pretty big reality check when it came to finances. Picture a wad of money bitch slapping me in the face and then pointing and laughing. To say the situation made me feel less than a person would be an understatement. I didn't realize just how bad it was until Wednesday and have been freaking out ever since. Especially since I haven't received anything from the UI office yet. When you have $2 in your account and the other ones are overdrawn there is nothing else you can do but cry. And sell stuff. That's the plan for now anyway- we are selling my car Friday so we will be able to cross that off our payment list. I have a bunch of stuff on craigslist- things we've been meaning to sell anyway and just haven't gotten around to it and I pray everyday that my bow business takes off. It's been a little slow since launching, but I haven't been promoting it as much since getting laid off. Which is kinda funny, since now I have the time.

I know all that sounds super overwhelming, and it is- not gonna lie. BUT ever since I embraced this 30 Days of Brave concept, I can also see the light at the end of the tunnel. We have had a hard year so far, but when you're all the way at the bottom the only direction things can go is up. Being a stay at home mom is not easier than working, but it's definitely more rewarding. Even though Averie chose this week to have the most epic teething battle to date, I can't describe how happy it makes me to be right there and be able to comfort her.

My husband is not perfect, (neither am i!) but he is so encouraging. He really wants me to use this time to go back to school. I'm hoping that by the time another lactation program pops up, I'll be able to afford to go. Maybe that's the cosmic reason for me getting laid off- so I would be able to do what I've always wanted to- teach. It won't feel like working if I love it right? That's how I feel about the bows- I could do it all day and not even realize hours have gone by and I need to remember to eat. He is encouraging me through my 30 Days of Brave. He even went running with me the other day to keep me motivated. Even though the Facebook event started on July 6th, my days of trying to be brave started on the 30th. Here are my 5 goals for these 30 days:

The best part about these goals (which we're re-written after Wednesday) is they are all FREE! I have zero excuses on why I can't complete these. The hardest one has actually been the sweets.... I didn't realize how addicted I was until I told myself no. It was harder to do the grocery shopping than I anticipated, but in the end my whole family benefits from that one, so whats not to love about it?

My favorite one is #5- We've been in this house for almost a year and we still have a ton of boxes that I haven't unpacked. I'm excited to start taking out all our family photos, my paintings, our knick knacks and to let this house finally feel like "ours".

I've never been one to sugar coat things, and I know the future is uncertain- which is REALLY hard for me, but I am also a little excited to see what happens. Being brave is hard, but it's the good kind of hard. I'll have to update you when this is over to let you know how I did.

Give and Take

Well... things have changed once again since writing this post about making changes. About two weeks ago I received notice that my CAPPA program was being canceled due to lack of interest. I was being issued a refund, and another date would not be set until they can generate enough interest for my area. I called the leader to find out if there was another program I could join but she informed me that they've been having trouble keeping the class sizes up, and was honestly not sure if there would be one at all this year.

Cue the sad music and the broken hearted emoji.

About a week later I received yet another large medical bill in the mail and the cold hard truth hit me: I simply cannot hold onto this money for a "hopefully it'll happen" dream when we have some serious debt to take care of. So, against my husbands instructions to stash the money in a shoe box until I can make things happen, we put it towards our always enlarging pile of bills. I am all too familiar with this type of sacrifice, which is probably why it didn't phase me.

Honestly, I was sad when I first found out the program wasn't happening but it's hard to stay sad when I see the pay off from using that money to help us get out of debt. It's not a life changing amount of money, or really even enough to pay off any one bill, but it will help. I am used to this situation, and I guess that's what it means to be a grown up- when you can put yourself last or your needs last for the greater good.

There is a "give" for me in the middle of this "take"... it gives me more time to focus on my bow business. I didn't anticipate to be so busy with orders before my shop is even completely open, so I consider this a blessing in disguise. Maybe its God's plan for this business to take off and I would have spent that money for nothing (you had to complete the program in a certain amount of time). Maybe His plan is for us to become pregnant soon and I wouldn't want to devote any time to studying.. who knows.

All I know is, despite this significant disappointment I am happily surprised at the quick success of my small business. Plus, it meant a lot to me that my husband was still willing to support my dreams, even in the midst of our semi-financial ruin. It says a lot about the type of man he is, willing to take on our hardships all on his own so I could focus on myself and the things I want. Right now though, my focus has shifted and what I want is to be able to give my daughter a life where she doesn't worry about money. The only way to do that is to make sacrifices now so this debt doesn't follow us into the years that she'll actually remember.

Strangely, I find it an exciting challenge to figure out ways to make traditions out of us being dirt poor. Like... what kind of memories can I create for her while spending $0.00 and all she knows is that it's something fun we do together as a family. I don't want her to have to think about these things until she is much older, and I want to be able to fund her passions... even if that means ignoring mine.

Office Update 2.0

As you may recall from this post we have been working on my office slowly but surely. When I think about how I used to get our entire house unpacked in a day (we moved a LOT) it's sort of depressing that we've been in this house for 9 months and we're only halfway done with every project haha! BUT, we do make progress one way or another every day... which is a huge deal in itself with a toddler!

The last time I updated about the office it was looking like this:

 

It's still not done, but let me share the progress I have made! Remember all those Mason jars from Averie's party that I had leftover? AND the 3 dozen I mistakenly bought in the wrong brand? Well, I was against giving them away just because it was such a big investment, so I've been finding other ways to use them:

 

Those are all the shabby flowers for my bow business. I originally had them in plastic baggies, but this is so much easier to see my entire inventory in one glance. The floating shelves were made by my super handy hubby from some scrap wood. These are above my "mailing station" for my business.

 

Ignore the empty gray frame on the wall. I'm not sure what I'm going to put in there yet, but I know that's the placement for it. That black filing cabinet used to be the only piece of office equipment I had. Now it's multi-functional. We use it to hold our appliance manuals, random receipts, and the tracking numbers for my shipped orders. (You can some ready to go in the boxes on the top)

 

Here's a close-up (for those of you that are nosey like me) It's pretty unexciting to the untrained eye, but to me, office supplies are crazy exciting! I didn't take a photo of inside the file cabinet, because well, that part was unexciting haha! (See that Mason jar rocking my stamps? Love those things!)

 

We painted the shelves "Polar Bear" by Behr to match the desk my husband made me. Speaking of the desk, here is another way I used those left over jars:

 

I love labeling things... and these jars that were originally adult party favors were perfect for all my crafting supplies. This picture makes my type-A heart happy! You can even sort of see Averie excited to get all up in there and mess it up on the right. Cleaning is Mommy's favorite, making messes is Averie's. Speaking of labels...

 

 



People with OCD can have a sense of humor too! Those flowers sit on top of my new (to me) file cabinets. I found these bad boys on my local online yard sale site for $10 total! They were 2 different sizes and widths but in otherwise great condition. When I got the idea to look for file cabinets, I was going to hide them away in the closet. Then, I decided this would be a great opportunity to bring in more of my accent color and had my husband bring home some spray paint. In 20 minutes they went from this:

 

 

 To this! If that doesn't make your heart flutter, I don't know what will! To me, the differences aren't that noticeable after being coated in the same color.

 

Plus, the difference in shapes ended up looking like a cute little corner unit:

As for what I used them for:

Fabric!!! Instead of having piles of it everywhere I thought it would be easier to file it (thank you Pinterest!) The top is all my solid colors and the bottom is all my patterned fabric. It's so beautiful I could cry... more heart flutters over here!

In the smaller cabinet, it wouldn't hold file folders so I decided to use it as storage for my finished bow collection storage (on the bottom) and my huge supply of tulle (on the top). Eventually I'm going to expand my bow shop to include tutus, so I've got a stock pile I inherited from my crafty mom ;)

There is still the matter of curtains- the ones I made didn't look good with everything else I had going on so it's back to the drawing board on those. I am still working on artwork as well. Painting some new things, and going through all the boxes of decor that have yet to see the light of day in this new house. The whole-room "after" shot is going to have to wait just a little longer, but I already love working in there!

Pssst- For those of you who have asked for the link to my bow shop on Etsy, here ya go!
itsy bitsy bowtique

Hitting Pause

Mason’s day came and went without any major melt downs or revelations. It was a really nice day, when we woke up my husband let me have some time to myself to write in Mason’s journal then he made us a nice breakfast. We couldn’t go to the coast like we normally do, but our local town has a zoo and a water play park for kids, and we figured between the two we would find a peaceful place to sit and remember Mason. On our way to the zoo, Averie fell asleep so we decided to hang out in the huge park in front of the zoo and have a picnic. It was such a sweet and peaceful lunch just the two of us while Averie slept. When she woke up we decided to go and check out the Japanese garden that was also over there and we stumbled upon the most beautiful little pond. It was so quiet and serene, we knew right away that we had found our new spot to be close to Mason. It has a beautiful red bridge, koi, and lots of lush greenery. There are also a lot of little peek-a-boo spots if I really wanted to sit and blend in with the scenery.

 

After we spent some time in the garden we made our way to the zoo. It’s a tiny zoo (it takes less than an hour to go through everything) but it was the first time we had been there that Averie actually noticed the animals. She LOVES animals but never really focused on the animals at the zoo in the past (the other kids got all her attention) so it was like going for the first time watching her discover each animal, watching her wave at them and ohh and ahh. It was so sweet! Afterwards we went to the water play area and let her run around in the fountains that shot water out of the floor. Again, she was kinda too little to really get it, but she loved running after all of the other kids. It was a nice surprise to walk up and see our cousins there too, so even though we had thought we wanted a day just to ourselves, it was really nice to sit and hang out with them and enjoy the sunshine. Averie just loves them, and they are so sweet with her (and we really love that particular cousin!) so it ended up being a really great day.

After we were all tired from the water and the sun, we went and got ice cream. Another 1^st for Averie (we usually wait until she’s asleep to indulge) but she loved it. She wasn’t really into the cold ice cream though, she loved the mini m&m’s! We don’t give her a lot of sweets (yes, I’m THAT mom) so it was a nice little treat to share on a hot day. We had dinner at home, just the three of us and we cuddled while watching movies. It was such a great day as a family without any distractions like our phones or the Internet. It’s always nice to unplug and really enjoy your time together… something I wish we did more of.

We were talking and (doing a little math) and realized that we needed to hit pause on the baby making train. It’s important to us to leave certain months as “reserved” – for lack of a better word – like March, December and June. March is all of our anniversaries and Averie’s birthday and cramming another birthday into an already packed month would be a little crazy. (2 of my siblings have birthdays in March too) So, that means no getting pregnant at the end of June or the beginning of July. June is, of course, Mason’s month which means no getting pregnant in September. To avoid December we can’t get pregnant in March (which is sort of hard since those are our anniversaries haha!). We both have parents with birthdays in December and they have always forbade us to have a December baby- they always had to share their birthday with Christmas and don’t want that for our kids.

A lot of people give us a hard time for trying to plan it out, but I don’t see what’s wrong with a little planning (have you met me?!) when it means we can really celebrate both financially and emotionally. Those months are crazy busy for us as it is, and I don’t want our kid’s birthday being just another thing we have to get done. We aren’t in any hurry, it’s in God’s hands when we get pregnant again. (Even if He thinks it should be in the off limits months, we would make it work of course.) So all that means is we wait and try again in August- and then have to stop again in September haha!- and try again October through February. If it ends up that we don’t end up pregnant until after Averie’s 2^nd birthday, then that’s what God has planned for us. It may sound stressful to some of you non-planners but having a solid plan actually makes me feel less stressed haha! Although, by August I probably won’t be nursing much if Averie keeps cutting out feedings, so it may be a non-issue and we get pregnant right away. Who knows? All I know is I feel good about it (even with a few pauses in the middle) and it’s pretty fun to practice haha!

June 11th, 2014

I have a confession to make, I have been actively avoiding my blog. There are times where my blog is great for me to figure out how I feel, unless there are times (like right now) that I don’t want to know how I’m really feeling. Or, I feel fine and I am scared that blogging will bring out some sort of hidden emotion I didn’t know was there.

Tomorrow would have been Mason’s 2^nd Birthday.

I have a weird calmness to me, something I am not used to feeling leading up to and surrounding this date. I also feel some sadness, wondering what our lives would be like right now with a 2 year old and a 1 year old but mostly I feel… nothing. That sounds colder than I mean it to, but I am not overcome with any sort of emotion, good or bad. Does that mean I’m healing or does that mean I am a heartless bitch who has already forgotten the pain? My daughter definitely fills many holes in my heart and I think as she grows up those holes will get smaller.

The best way I can explain my eerie disconnected emotions is that sometimes it feels like I’ve lived two separate lives… one with horrible pain and sadness and one with complete joy and happiness. Sure, I still get sad sometimes and it’s hard to believe that I’ve actually had this experience at all. It almost feels like someone else’s life. Like I’ve been watching a reality show of my life, while hanging out in the present with my daughter. It’s all very strange, and the fact that I’m not a mess is very foreign to me! I’ve lived so much of the last few years as a hot mess, trying to pretend like I’ve had it together. Maybe now, I am just more comfortable in my not-put-together-ness. I’m not really sure of the reasoning behind it, but I can tell you I am grateful for it. I know I felt similar on this day last year.

I know that sounds weird too, to be grateful to not be feeling anything… I guess I’m grateful to not be missing any moments of my daughter’s life because I was too busy being sad. One day I will tell her about her brother, and that it was the hardest thing her parents had to go through, but I also want to explain to her that through that experience I learned so much about myself, and so much about her daddy. I want her to know through this pain, we came out stronger. I would love to tell her why it is that we go to the beach on June 11^th every year, why we always wear blue on that day. I would also love to tell her that this experience made me into the mom I am for her now. But for now, it’s kind of like it gets to stay our little secret. My covert mission to becoming a better mom if you will. She’s too young to understand now anyway, and one day we will tell her all about Mason… although on some level I suspect she knows she has a guardian angel, because she’ll do something or say something that makes me think he’s watching over her.

As far as our plans for tomorrow go, we can’t go to the beach like we have done in the past. It’s too far from where we live now, but we will be near water. For some reason when it comes to Mason, I think of being close to the water and it makes me feel close to him. So we will have a family day, all in blue, near the water. I already let me husband know to give me some space tomorrow so I can write to him in his journal that I started before I even knew I was pregnant. I’ll tell him all about our year, his sister, our life. I know that he knows I miss him every day, that he is always on my mind… I know that he can feel the love I radiate towards him every day. I really do think my sense of calm and relief came from the comfort I found in Heaven Is For Real. I think about it every day, and it makes my heart so full, I don’t think I have the words to really describe the comfort that book gave me, knowing I’ll get to meet him one day. I still can’t say his name out loud and have a hard time hearing someone else say it but I’ll get there.

All of this gave me the freedom and courage to put those feelings aside so I can really be present for my daughter, which is a gift in itself. I feel like many moms who have lost a child feel guilty of those fleeting moments where you sort of forget what’s happened. Like you always have to be sad or people think you didn’t love your child enough. There are times when I am in the moment with my daughter or my husband or friends and I forget that this horrible thing happened to me… and you know what? That’s ok. He wouldn’t want me to never be able to enjoy my life. I think the concept of being ok with “forgetting” once in a while is really hard for moms like me, especially because it’s not one of those things that people want to admit they do, or something anyone wants to admit to. It’s life though, you can’t always be in your grief (just like you can’t always be happy) and once I realized it was ok to not think about it all the time it was so liberating! It was also freeing to see that just because I wasn’t “in it” for a while, didn’t take anything away from my experience or my love for him.

Tomorrow my son would have been 2, and sometimes I don’t know how to feel about it. Today though, I feel good and tomorrow? Who knows. I do know we will remember and celebrate him the way we do it best: as a family.

Learning to Listen

I just finished the book Heaven Is For Real by Todd Burpo and I think it may have changed my life. Even if you aren't religious, I highly suggest you read it. It is about a father who watched his son almost die, but then miraculously recovers and returns with amazing tales of his trip to Heaven. I have to say, I think God really wanted me to read this book. On the very same day, 3 separate people told me I needed to read it, and then 2 more on a different day. No one was talking about books or movies in any of those situations. It was super organic, which told me it was a sign that I did in fact need to read this book. So, my mom sent it to me and if I had my way I wouldn't have put it down.

Unfortunately, reading an entire book in 24 hours is a thing of the past with a blooming business, a one year old and a cuddly hungry hubby. Most of my reading happens when I'm pumping (15 minutes here and there) but I got a great opportunity to read this weekend on our way to and from a family reunion. To put it simply: I was a crying FOOL in that car! My husband was so cute, rubbing my knee while he drove and I wept. He kept saying "we're going to a party! Get it together!" Haha!

I don't want to give too much of the book's magic away, but there is a part where the boy, Colton, tells his mother that he met the baby she miscarried in heaven. He had no idea his mom had had a miscarriage (there are many other things in the book that are true, that he had no way of knowing unless his journey to heaven was real.) There were 2 sentences that had me crying an equal combination of happy and sad tears:

Colton tells his mom of his sister, "She said she just can't wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven" and after that conversation there is a moment where the mother is overcome with emotion and she says to her husband "She's ok, our baby is ok". I just lost it there... that's something I have wondered and prayed about since the day of my surgery. The Bible doesn't say much about the children in situations like ours. In my heart I always hoped that Mason was in heaven, but God basically forcing this book on me, was to let me know he's ok. He is with him in heaven and one day we will all be united again. It may sound silly to some, but this book is exactly what I needed to give my heart the peace it's been searching for.

I've been feeling the burn in my heart more than normal to put my life in God's hands, to let Him take the lead. For the last 8 months or so, I've been trying to control everything myself and trying to fool myself into thinking I'm actually in control here. It wasn't until I read the words in my friend's blog Whispering Brave that I was actually able to pinpoint my problem: I am in my own way. I am in my own way of listening to God and the things he has put into my heart. I've been so angry for so long that I didn't even realize that he's been answering my prayers, despite my anger towards him, all along.

Every day I pray for strength. Strength in being a better wife, a better mother, a better friend and a better daughter. Every day I pray that I wake up and am a better person than I was a day before. Every day I do this, and I am too busy to listen. I didn't even realize that he was trying to help me. Pretty recently, I have had a few difficult people put in my path. One is normal for most (I would think) but to have 3 at the same time- God is trying to teach me by testing me and I just wasn't paying attention.

I pray all the time asking God to show me how to teach my daughter to be a kind person, to be a compassionate person. What better way than to put people in my life that force me to live that way, thus showing her by being the example. He has been testing me, seeing if I really wanted the things I have been praying for. Once I figured out to listen to my heart (and Him), dealing with these people has been so easy. When you can remove your emotions from the situation and see that some people are just miserable, that it really has nothing to do with you, it is easy to distance yourself from them, and keep their negativity out of your life. It also removes the power any of their words might have on you, and it feels really good!

The same goes for the positive side, he also sent me people in my life that have shown me what true friendship is. He has shown me how to embrace them. By choosing to surround myself with people that are good and kind it will inevitably teach my daughter to do the same. Being exposed to the kindness of these people helps teach me what kind of friend I want to be. It's amazing to see the kind of friendships that I have had the pleasure of building once I made the choice to surround myself with positive, kind people. I used to think it was because I was young and immature that I didn't have these kinds of friendships when I was younger, but now a part of me thinks it corresponds to a time when I didn't have God in my life the way I have in the last 10 years. (This is not to say that I am only friends with people that have the same relationship with God as I do, I am just saying there is a distinguishable difference from one time period to another. The difference is largely in who I have become in the last 10 years.)

My journey to being a better daughter has certainly improved once I became a mother myself. My relationship with my own mother hasn't always been sunshine and rainbows, but I can say now, without wavering that it is the best it has ever been. I can see things that I couldn't see before becoming a mom, and my daughter was a gift directly from God, which means my better relationship with my own mom was too.

I think the task of becoming a better wife is a life long one. I am lucky because I have an amazing husband. However, I think every woman has moments when she doesn't feel like the best wife but if I took a minute to pay attention, I would have seen that we have never been closer- we are trying to have another baby- what is more intimate than that? Creating a life from love?! Amazing. More prayers being answered that I wouldn't have realized if I hadn't gotten out of my own way. Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant. (For anyone on bump watch- I am not currently pregnant.) I know this is God letting me know that he is listening to my prayers, and if I keep putting my heart in His hands I will always be a "work in progress" but on the right path.

Office Update!

It's finally happening! After 7 months of living in our new house I am FINALLY getting around to decorating it and "pimping" it out. I know, I'm probably too old to use that term but that's all I got! Haha!

Once again, I took to Pinterest for inspiration. I've never had a home office, so I didn't know what I wanted. I did know 2 things- 1. We're broke so it needed to be cheap and 2. It needed to be a place that I can escape to and be my creative outlet. We are still working on the room as a whole, but I wanted to share some of the progress that was made.

First things first, PAINT! This was another thing I debated a lot about... Here is the room before we bought it, during our 1st walk through:

This is the only room in the whole house that has this cork-board flooring. It isn't what I would pick for myself, but I decided to keep it since I knew I wanted to use this room as my office and I paint a lot. This flooring is perfect for wiping up paint, so for now it's staying.

When we first moved in I had planned to do a chevron pattern on that main wall, but I didn't realize how thick the texturing was on it, so that plan go squashed. Unfortunately, I had painted the other 3 walls a lilac before I realized that, so this room lived like this for a while:

 

It gets a TON of natural light since we haven't put up curtains yet so I decided to go a bit bold with the color scheme...

Pink Salmon by Glidden in Satin Finish

 

Blue Grey Slate by Glidden in Satin Finish

 

 

I wanted something girly but something that could also transition if someone ever needed to use it for a bedroom down the line. I am obsessed with grey and although it looks dark in this picture, it's not such a shock in person. (Probably all that glorious natural light) My true inspiration actually came from Averie's party decorations. I had picked this watermelon-esq color for the long wall and painted it about a month ago. I was storing all my craft supplies in there and when I saw these boxes from Averie's party next to the wall it inspired me to go for grey.

I do have a couple tips for painting multi-colored textured walls. I've have been doing it my whole life since my love of multi-colored walls is not a new thing. (When i was a teenager my room was 4 different shades of purple). The fist thing for a textured wall- skip the painters tape. Seriously. It's not going to stick in a straight line anyway, so you might as well hold off on that cup of coffee and just eyeball it. Since textured walls don't have a smooth line from ceiling to wall, it'll look cleaner if you just drag and angled brush across it.

 

 

My other tip for doing the corners is to over paint the lighter color where they'll meet. This way, when you go to paint the darker color you won't risk having the previous color poking through where you might have missed a spot. There is literally nothing worse while painting then thinking you're done, seeing a bunch of missed spots, going to fix it, and then splotching the wrong color on the wrong wall. I used a 1" angled brush that I use when painting with acrylic to do the corner with the darker color. It doesn't take up that much time, it's faster than taping it off and using a larger brush. Promise.

 

The coolest thing that I didn't anticipate is how these 2 colors would make the existing cork floor pop. Here's a little before and after action so you can see what a difference it made:

Let's hear it for happy accidents! Haha! Here's the whole room, along with my amazing carpet that I scored at Target during their Spring sale!

I also love that my lamp that I've had for years works with both of these colors... not that I need any more light in this room haha!

The room was only left like this for about a week before I decided to put my husband to work in the name of a mother's day present: a huge custom made craft desk! This room is super awkward to shoot because it's sort of L shaped and it's really long. I wanted a nice big table to be able to lay out fabrics and paints ect. After showing him some pictures on Pinterest, he drew up this bad boy:

 

My table was going to be 56" wide and 48" long. That would still leave about 36" from the end of the table to the side of the closet. Not sure if that stick figure is supposed to be me, or him building it, but I can assure you when I sit at my desk, I don't make that face haha! The table is made from a couple sheets of the nicer- more fine- plywood and a Walmart shelf. In total, the supplies cost about $80 which is a far cry from the $1200 price I got from a carpenter. As far as how my husband crafted it, I have no idea! I was inside enjoying my mothers day ;) Here he is making sure my sewing machine fit into the nook:

 

We decided I didn't need the smaller cubbies in lew of my sewing machine having a nice, snug home. Here is the finished product (pre-white paint). Is it ok to be in love with inanimate objects? He even cut out 2 round holes on the top so I could stick my cords through instead of having them hang off the sides. One on each side, ya know... in case I want to have a buddy come sew with me! Since this photo I've painted it white and put a clear coat  sealer on the top. It looks the same so I didn't take a photo (since there are hardly any in this post haha!)

One more quick project I'd like to share is a custom photo holder I made for my office. I decided I wanted to use a robins egg blue as an accent color. (Besides all the white I plan to use to balance out the dark grey). It's pretty simple so I'll let the pictures do most of the talking:

 

 

 Taaa daaa!!!!

For the supplies, I found this frame (already painted- how lucky was that!) at an antique store for $15 and I already had the twine. For the little clothes pins- those are scrapbook accents from Target for $2 and the Washi tape was $3.99 (but I can use it for a lot of different things).

I'll keep updating as we finish projects in here, and we are due for a kitchen remodel update too! For now, I'll leave you with this closeup of the washi tape covered clothes pin and my favorite picture of Averie to date. Happy crafting!

Making Things Happen

Since I got side tracked by loving on my hubby yesterday instead of posting, I'm back again today to update on all the changes that are happening in the Just A Little Sparkle household! They probably aren't huge to the masses, but to me it's a big deal.

I am not known as being the most patient person in the world, but when it comes to my future I seem to be very comfortable with the unknown and for waiting for the right time to do things. When my hubby and I were in college I had to drop out due to lack of funds so my husband could finish school and I could pay bills. (He was blessed with a better college fund while I had to figure it out for myself and still couldn't find a way to continue paying for it) So I made the decision that was best for us, figuring I would go back to school when he was done.

Fast forward a year and a half and I still hadn't made any steps towards going back to school. I always figured I would be a teacher, but with only half of that curriculum completed and a 1 year old I just didn't think that was in the cards. A few years ago I wanted to pursue being a hair and makeup stylist but ultimately decided not to once I saw how huge the time commitment was (and I couldn't afford it).

When I had my daughter it was pretty clear that I was obsessed with everything baby and did more research than necessary for my own situation. Armed with knowledge I found myself walking a few friends through their births, and even more friends through nursing issues. Then it all clicked- I've had such a hard time figuring out which passion I wanted to pursue because I hadn't had the life experience up to that point. Then one day I was at lunch with my girlfriends and they told me how they had an epiphany about what my calling was: a doula or lactation consultant. Once I heard the words out loud I was in. It was one of those angels singing moments haha! Even better, one of them had a link to a training program ready to give me!

I did a lot of research on all the different programs and I found one that combined my new found gift obsession and what I thought was my original calling: teaching. Through CAPPA I can combine both and get certified to be a lactation educator. After researching doulas, I decided the pressure would get me in the end, so I nixed that one. The reason I ended up choosing this program is because with my certificate I can lead classes, do private consultations and with a little extra certification I can eventually work in a hospital with new moms. Since we are hoping to get pregnant in the near future I didn't want to pick a program on a semester system. Through CAPPA I can work at my own pace- once you register you have 2 years to complete all the requirements (most finish in a year though).

You're probably wondering how are we paying for it when we haven't even been able to pay our bills? Long story short, I recently found out that my previous employer didn't give me one of my checks and it was the exact amount that I needed for this program. After talking with my husband he told me in no uncertain terms that I was to use this money for my dreams, that I have been waiting long enough. Since this money was unexpected, we felt like it didn't hurt us using it for something that will benefit our financial situation in the future. I really do have the best guy in the world. I start in June and I couldn't be more excited about it!

As far as my fitness update goes, I'm down 15lbs by keeping to what I said in this post and I'm hoping with the nicer weather I can start taking Averie on walks around the lake and work my way up to exercising regularly. Even if we get pregnant, I plan to exercise through it just like I did with Averie.

There is one last piece of exciting news (at least to me) I have decided to open a headband shop! I bought so many head bands and bows from other moms through Etsy and Instagram and one of my friends just opened hers and is loving it, and it really inspired me to go for it. I already have a lot of the supplies, and last month I started sewing like a mad woman so it won't cost much for me to get out a few products together and get my designs out there.

Right now, my soft opening date is set for July 1st. Our June calendar is super full so I want a realistic date, plus I am still researching what kinds of products I want to offer. (YouTube and Pinterest are coming to my rescue here!) I am hoping to purchase a nice camera by then as well and I need a little time to get my logo and business cards set up. Luckily, I married a graphic designer so I get to pay him in kisses for these haha! There is one little hiccup though- I can't decide what to name it! So if you wouldn't mind...

Vote in my poll to name my shop!

I had a brief moment where I thought "Am I biting off more than I can chew? Getting certified, Averie, trying to get pregnant AND a small business?!" but truthfully, the more hectic my environment is, the better I work. Plus, the certification is at my own pace and I don't expect to be hugely busy with the bow business in the beginning (here's hoping I'm wrong) but since I enjoy making them it won't feel like work. I have a lot of help between my husband and my in laws when it comes to watching Averie when I'm studying/crafting. When I'm doing things that will benefit Averie's future, I don't feel guilty about the time spent away from her. It's so exciting to get things in motion! I can't wait to see what the future holds!

my 11/11/11 at 11:11 wish

My wish on this interesting display of 1's is for my husband to know how much i love and appreciate him. I am not so good at expressing myself when it comes to anything but anger. Anger, i have no problem with... but appreciation is something i will continue to work on forever. I am always appreciative of the things around me, but its a lot harder for me to express it to those that matter.

My husband is always busy. He is going to school and working full time, and even when he is home, he is helping with the animals or cooking for me. Maybe he isn't always happy doing it, but he doesn't take it out on me if he isn't, and he can always laugh about it.

I spoke in my vows that i started becoming a better person from the moment that i met him. It was true then, and its still true now. He doesn't even try to help me do this, but just being around him, his kind heart, his great outlook on life, and his incredible smile. The best part, is most of the time he doesn't even know, he just gets to reap the benefits.

He has taught me that lots of the little things i used to obsess over are not important. He showed me what really  matters, and continues to, as we grow our little family. I know it sounds simple but i was a complicated mess and he detangled my crazy into a somewhat upstanding citizen. He showed me that I could be the real me, and that he would love that me, and in return I could love that me.


***I was coming on the blog to write an update on my fitness progress, when I saw a little notification that I've probably seen a hundred times. (You know when you look at something all the time you sort of stop seeing it?)  It was letting me know that I still had a post I hadn't published. I clicked on it and saw this, I don't remember writing it but it's sort of amazing to see how almost 3 years later I still feel the same way about my husband.

The first 4 months of us moving have been hard on our relationship, but I can say that we are living proof that determination and love will not only get you through rough times, it will make you stronger in the end. Those are the two words that deserve the most credit for helping us through our roughest patch yet. (Pretty good for a 9+ year relationship if you ask me!) While I still am not crazy about the place we have moved to, I am still crazy about my husband and he helps me grow every single day.

When I look at him now, I still see all those things I saw before... maybe with even more appreciation as the years have gone by. Just substitute school for having a baby and almost everything is the same, including how much I adore his hard work. His hard work goes beyond the physical now, it's the work he puts into being a good dad, it's the work he puts into making our house a home, and it's the work he puts into making me happy. He hasn't always been the most romantic when it comes to huge gestures- but he does something for me every day. Today, he brought me a piece of bacon before I left for work, because he knew I didn't have time to stay and eat. The other day we were watching some Food Network show and I said something looked really good, the next day it was in our pantry. Although he hates it, he comes to my rescue with even the smallest of spiders.

He may not be the best with words, but in small meaningful moments he is abundant. It's the little things that mean the most to me. I don't want to be one of those typical wife's that complain about their husbands because it's funny or the norm... I want to be brave enough to really put it out there and love on my hubby (and show my daughter that a good man is rare, and deserves some praise). It's kinda funny that I would finally see that notification moments after posting this picture on my IG for Throwback Thursday:

That's us in 2nd grade! Our photos really are next to each other in our class photo! I guess alphabetizing got thrown out the window, and cuteness got put together. That's my theory anyway.

Averie's 1st Birthday Party Prep Vol. 3: Patry Favors and Entertainment

It's finally time for the 3rd and final installment of Averie's party... Literally over a month later! Originally, I had planned to pop these out one right after the other but keeping up with one post a week is hard enough, and life doesn't just stop... not even for adorable photos! So... here we are with Party Favors for kids and adults and entertainment! I'm kinda sad to have these posts end... but there are only 10 more months until the next one. Oh man, I better get planning...

*Disclaimer: due to the different sized photos and not doing this post on my regular computer- my format is a little wonky... please forgive me!



Baby # 2

In my last post I announced that we are officially trying for baby #2 and indeed, that topic does deserve its own post. As I've said before, I spent Averie's first year pretty much obsessed with trying to figure out when we wanted to start trying again and calculating the age gap our decisions would create. Before we knew it, she was one and then it felt like we really had to make a decision. My husband has been on board to have another baby pretty much since Averie was born, but the being-pregnant-sucks-party-of-one over here wasn't immediately ready.

I had a few reservations that made me think twice, the biggest? I just hate being pregnant. Everyone likes to tell me that each one is different but my truth is that it just isn't. I have 2 under my belt now, and both were the same: I was miserable. That's the honest truth, and pretending that the next one "could" be different is just silly. I'm a straight shooter and I know what to expect, and it's going to suck again. The only part I did enjoy (and still miss) is the feeling of Averie moving around. She was super active and I loved every minute of it. I never got to feel Mason move, but I saw on the ultrasounds how active he was so I imagine that he would have been like his sister.

Of course I am still scared that history could repeat itself, but that isn't my overlaying reservation on having another baby. As strange as it may sound, I'm somewhat used to being nervous and scared when it comes to being pregnant and I'm more and more comfortable with my fears. I know it sounds a little silly in writing, but I know what worries me and what doesn't now, so when it happens I also know how to deal with it. If only I could prevent it with this valuable knowledge! Baby steps... There is also a part of my brain that keeps repeating the statistics for miscarriages... 1 in 5 pregnancies. This would be my 3rd pregnancy... those odds freak me out a little but I know I can't dwell on it.... let's not even talk about all the complications that could arise, even if neural tube defects leave me alone.

Before we got pregnant we found out that I only ovulate every other month so I was assuming that would still be the case when we started trying again. We went out and got an ovulation predictor kit and I began doing them every other day (it says to do them every day but I just think that's overkill... if you do it every other day you still won't miss an ovulation since they are typically for 48 hours AND you save money on test strips.) I was still exclusively nursing/pumping at this point so I cut one one nursing/pumping session in the afternoon once she turned one. At the risk of being too obvious- I still haven't had my period since getting pregnant. Actually, next month will mark a full 2 years without it (I know, my girlfriends love to tell me they hate me when I point this out) so I was sort of experimenting with how much nursing (or lack thereof) would cause me to ovulate. I am not ready to stop, and neither is Averie so I figured we would work our way down one by one to see if I could stimulate ovulation.

I had done some research on it and found out that many moms get their periods (even with nursing as much as me) between 6-12 months and here I had an almost 14month old without it. I asked a bunch of my friends with kids around the same age and all of them had theirs already too. I started to feel a lot of pregnancy symptoms (vomiting, fatigue, headaches) so I took a pregnancy test just to be sure I wasn't missing a huge clue but it was negative. That was about 2 weeks ago, and about 1 week into cutting out the 1 nursing session. One of my friends sent me a link that described all the symptoms I was feeling and it turns out I am in the 50% of moms that get these symptoms when they start to wean. Lucky me right? As crappy as those symptoms were, it was nice to know that something was happening with the changes I was making. Then, a few days later I almost forgot to do a quick ovulation test and I was shocked to see the little smiley face on the test strip!

I didn't think I would ovulate so quickly. I had only cut out one feeding for about 10 days and I was already ovulating!!! I was so excited I grabbed the test and ran out to my husband who was on his way to the hardware store (we've been very busy with our home renovations- more posts on that later too!) and I told him to hurry back before I even realized what I was saying! We talked about it and we want a summer baby, which means waiting to conceive until fall. However, it's pretty transparent how great I am at being patient...

With Averie I announced right away that I was pregnant because I am not so great at keeping secrets, and I believe in honesty... especially when it comes to those of you who have been on this journey with me from the very beginning. However, when I do get pregnant again, I would like to exercise some restraint and wait until after the 12 week mark to announce. (This miscarriage thing freaks me out more than I'm letting on.) So for anyone on bump watch... I won't tell you if we decided to wait for my next ovulation or if we got down to business... or if we scrapped the whole "we are actively trying" thing for a "we want a summer baby" thing.

In the direct future for this blog, you can look forward to the last installment of Averie's party (Entertainment and Favors woo hoo!) and LOTS of home renovations updates!

Only time will tell ;)

The 1st 6 Weeks- Round 2!

A few days ago I had the idea to go back to my 1st 6 Weeks Post to see if I stuck to my ideas and practices that I felt pretty passionate about regarding parenting. This morning I decided today was as good a day as any and guess what... it was on April 23, 2013 that I wrote that original post! Exactly 1 year ago today... how's that for a funny coincidence? I didn't even realize it had been 6 weeks... it still feels like yesterday was MY birthday... so I got a little laugh out of that one. Anyway, I figured it would be fun to see what I've kept up with a year later and what I've thrown out the window. You can read the detailed post in the link above, I'm going to condense last year's answers in this post (because we all know I can get word-y!)

Co-Sleeping
BEFORE: There was no way in hell the baby was going to sleep in our bed! This was something my husband and I both agreed on.
LAST YEAR: I am pretty proud to say that the baby has slept in her own bed in her own room since the day we brought her home. We do a night feeding around 9pm and she typically sleeps until 3:30 and on rare occasions 5:30

NOW: This is still pretty consistent only she started sleeping much longer around 2 months- from 9pm to 7:30am. She's always woken up at 7:30am on the dot.. on the rare occasion that she'll wake up in the middle of the night (usually due to a cold or something) we'll bring her into bed with us and I'll nurse her back to sleep and daddy will put her back again. Very rarely do we all fall asleep and she ends up staying in bed with us. It's not often at all, but I have to admit- on those nights I can see why people love Co-Sleeping... a cute little cuddle muffin snuggled in next to you? What's not to love? The mornings in our bed our my favorite- when she wakes up I go in and get her and she gives me a kiss (melt!) and then we go cuddle in my bed to have her morning feeding and we all have a cuddle fest with Daddy. Ahhhh... the best!

Baby-Wearing
BEFORE: I have read many books on the subject of Attachment Parenting and as a whole I just can't get on board. I don't think breast feeding until age 2 is for me, nor is co-sleeping and I really don't think baby-wearing was in the cards either.
LAST YEAR: I already had a bad back but after the first few times of trying to haul Averie in her car seat and the pain it would inflict on my back each time I am re-thinking my stance on the baby slings. I'll have to report back once I actually get it in the mail and try it out, but my hopes are high.

NOW: Hahahahahahahahahaha! Man was I dumb! Baby wearing was my savior on every trip, grocery store outing, long walk, every time I had to cook or clean... I have no qualms admitting my pre-conceived notions about this were 100% WRONG. I love baby wearing and I'll do it again with the next one. Hold on while I wipe a tear from laughing so hard at myself...

Breast Feeding/Schedule
BEFORE: I love schedules and keeping order and look forward to knowing that I would have to feed her every few hours. Basically I love knowing what to expect. As far as actual breast feeding, well you can read my last post to get the real skinny on that topic. Update: I wasn't so crazy about it.
LAST YEAR: Despite all my issues with breast feeding I FREAKING LOVE IT! Unless an outside factor messes with it (a long car ride, an appointment that runs late ect) she eats on all the odd hours. I stopped waking her up every 2 hours at night after the 2 week mark.

NOW: Still loving it baby! We are over the recommended year mark, and I have no plans to stop anytime soon. I still don't think I'll be nursing past 2, but for now I am still loving it. She now has 3 solid meals a day, so we have added in more whole milk mixed with breast milk bottles into the daily mix. I was worried I would get looks from strangers as I continued to nurse in public (a lot of times without a cover these days!) as she got older but she's so tiny people don't give me a 2nd look haha!

Setting Boundaries
BEFORE: My therapist helped me put steps in order to establish boundaries with family and friends for after Averie's arrival. We followed through, asking the appropriate people to help and make sure to get the message out there that we needed at least 30 days before we were ready for visitors or to have anyone meet her.
LAST YEAR: Basically not a single person listened and we were bombarded from the minute she was born. This is a hard thing to be mad at though, because when you feel that kind of love and excitement over your child from all the people you love- you naturally want to share in that with them. There were other boundaries I was worried about to, with my mom and my mother in law. I didn't try to pre-plan for them like visitors because I wasn't sure what would bother me and what wouldn't. I'm doing my best to talk to them about things as they come up but sometimes it is hard, because lets face it, there are far worse things than excited grandparents. I do have to remind them that she's MY baby and to back off a bit, but like I said it's hard to be upset over too-much love. It's a good problem to have ;) Update: I left this one in word for word because it's still pretty relevant to how I feel today.
NOW: Everything is basically the same as last year. I spend a lot of time trying to navigate what bothers me and what doesn't. I have embraced help a little more as I've gone back to work but I still hate when anyone tries to tell me what to do in regards to Averie, or if they question why I am doing something. Some things never change, I still prefer to do things myself. It's exhausting constantly explaining why we do things the way we do, and I find that almost everyone wants to defend their choices when I decline their advice. I guess it's just part of mommy hood...

Electronics/TV Being On
BEFORE: I felt very strongly against Averie having electronic toys or having a screen of some kind shoved in her face.
LAST YEAR: At 6 weeks it's still hard to really prove that I still feel this way. As far as the TV being on it is, but not all of the time. Right now, I spend most of my day alone nursing and I haven't mastered the art of one-handed reading while keeping the baby latched so I do have it on during those times because it's hands free entertainment.
NOW: It is with great pleasure that I report back that I have stuck to my guns on this one. Most of our family and friends has respected the way we feel about this, and haven't given her any toys to challenge us. She has lots of toys that play music, lots of wooden toys, dolls, and tons of kitchen toys (which are her favorite strange enough). We have a few episodes of Sesame Street recorded on the DVR for emergency distractions but she really isn't into TV. When she has been up sick in the middle of the night and even the boob doesn't console her, we will turn it on but even then she doesn't sit still long enough to get into it. I still watch as much TV as I always have, but she doesn't care much about it. She would rather play, and that makes me insanely happy.

Date Nights
BEFORE: Honestly, I couldn't fathom not having any time to be a couple or time to myself. I said from the very beginning that I would make sure my husband and I acted like the couple we always were... but with a baby.
LAST YEAR: I'm happy to be wrong. I am so obsessed with my daughter that I am now the one who won't shut up about their kid. It's easy to forget the little things as a couple when you have this huge task of parenting constantly on your mind. There have been many times where I sat and thought "I just want my husband back" but sleep deprivation and this huge responsibility have different effects on everyone. It's also important to remember you are going through all these changes together, and have to adapt together.
NOW: I'm not going to lie, this is still something we are navigating our way through on a day by day basis. Take away sleep deprivation and add new stresses like moving, finances, new jobs (or lack thereof) and there is still a long list of things that are happy to get in the way of your marriage, and they will- if you let them. There are times when our marriage is on the back burner and there are times when it's front and center. The key is the balance of the two, and realizing that the shift is natural and ok, as long as you don't get too comfortable on either side.

Exercise
BEFORE: I was adamant that as soon as the baby is out I was going to get back into my pre-pregnancy exercise regimen.
LAST YEAR: My husband and I went and signed up for a local gym membership and I plan to resume all my zumba/u jamm/dance classes.
NOW: Since moving, I haven't really had a chance to get into a serious exercise regimen. One, we can't afford a gym membership, and two, finding the time between the baby, keeping our marriage alive, home renovations, never ending holidays and an all around lack of motivation (there are no sidewalks here!) I have to just own up to the fact that I've been slacking. I did change my diet (check out this post for more on that) I've lost 13lbs and am on track to lose more. I'll add exercise in eventually but for now I'm pretty happy with the path I'm on.

Parenting Style
BEFORE: I honestly didn't know there were such classifications as parenting styles. I just knew people I idolized as great parents for the 'do' file and then the people I would watch and put in the 'do not do' file.
LAST YEAR: I do (or plan to do) a mixture of the following...
1. Attachment parenting- I really like the philosophy of showing your baby through close contact that you care and are present for her and her needs.
NOW: I'm not sure if Attachment Parenting is the reason or if it's the boob, but Averie is super attached to me. When she was little, she didn't care who was holding her but now all she ever wants is Mommy. For the most part, I absolutely love it! There are times though, when I need to get things done and it's super difficult when she only wants to be held by me. She's newly walking now, so maybe that will help. Although crawling didn't, so I won't hold my breath. I'm not putting on a show or trying to be sappy, but when she won't let me out of her grip I try to remind myself that one day she won't want to be with me 24/7 and it really helps me to embrace this time in her life.
2. "Fockerizing" Basically you just shower your child with love and give constant encouragement.
NOW: I am not under the delusion that my child is perfect, she isn't. I just don't see the point in being anything but positive when she is this age. If she does something I don't like, I take the appropriate action. I will continue to encourage all appropriate behaviors, accomplishments, and milestones.
3. Affirmative parenting- Instead of saying "No! Don't jump on the bed!" you focus on the positive outcome you would like and say "Feet on the floor". Basically you find ways to avoid shutting down behaviors and focusing on what is causing them and how to steer a bad behavior into a positive outcome.
NOW: I'm happy to report that we have actually kept up with this and even got the grandparents to get on board. You don't realize how much you say "no" on a daily basis before your make the conscious effort to remove it. Averie does listen when I say "hands off please" or "come over here" when I want her to get away from something.

Baby Care (Gross stuff)
BEFORE: I swore up and down I wouldn't change a poopy diaper.. that included any puke or boogers.
LAST YEAR: I actually look forward to all diapers. I love any excuse to meet her needs.
NOW: I'm pretty indifferent. I don't look forward to it and I don't dread it. I'm also not itching to start any early potty training... we're good in this department. Oh, I also no longer puke when I see a booger! So, that's news!

Being By-The-Book
BEFORE: I stayed by the book for my entire pregnancy and did what I was told.
LAST YEAR: I just don't think that another mom's suggestion 'because it worked for me' reasoning is better than someone's with a medical degree.
NOW: Some things don't change ;) Although, I did stop reading What to Expect The 1st Year for the simple fact that I just didn't have the time once I went back to work, but I've looked things up from time to time and was met with delight when my instincts were what the book recommended.

Having Another Kid
BEFORE: In the midst of my pregnancy you couldn't have offered me a million dollars to have another baby. I hated being pregnant both times. It really isn't for me. Some people love it, but I am not one of them and find no shame in admitting it.
LAST YEAR: I am already counting down the months until we are going to try again. I miss feeling Averie move around in my belly and can't wait for the actual birthing experience again. I never thought I would feel this way... in fact I had done legitimate research on surrogacy and adoption! The countdown is on to try for Logan Reilly (can you tell we'd like a boy this time?)
NOW: Well the name Logan is out, a family member named their son Logan and we feel weird using it too. (We still want a boy though!) I have actually gone back and forth on when #2 should happen this entire year. Most days I'm all for it, and there were some days when I was sure we were good with one. I guess this blog is as good a place as any to announce that we are OFFICIALLY TRYING FOR  BABY #2!

There are a few stipulations to that however, which deserves it's own post in due time. How fun to look back exactly a year ago (even if it was by accident) and see how much has changed, or not changed in some cases. I definitely feel more comfortable figuring out what works for our family, rather than relying on my trusty books or the word of another mom. I still feel the same wonderment that I did since she was born, everyone kept telling me that would wear off but I still feel like a brand new mom most days- there are good and bad things that come along with that haha! I do know with absolute certainty that I was put on this earth to be her mommy, and that everything we have been through has been to get us here. We are healthy, we are happy, we are the family I always wanted... and that's pretty awesome!