A Baby Bear Update

Basically I have totally sucked at updating this thing. I can't believe the last time I sat down to write was half way through my pregnancy and now we are in the final weeks! Basically all of my complications are still here... Gestational Diabetes, the wall in my uterus, needing to have my tubes tied, nerve damage and constant nausea. BUT I've now been taken out of work for about 6 weeks and I have to admit I've loved it far more than I thought I would.

I've always been one of those moms that is literally obsessed with her kid... but as my crazy and wonderful daughter has reached 2 and a half- the terrible two's have come to fruition. I am now the mom that is 100% obsessed with her kid but definitely needs a break once and a while to keep my sanity. It's been kind of strange to realize my craving for alone time, and to not feel guilty about it. Everything I do is for my daughter. Everything I do is with my daughter. It took me a few weeks to realize it was ok to want to do things without her too. Luckily my husband and MIL have both been telling me this forever and are more than happy to provide me with an hour here and there to have to myself. I am very thankful and very blessed to have this balance.

Since being home we have worked on updating and upgrading the house in all areas. We took our very long living room and put a wall up at the far end to create a new office for me. Baby Bear will move into my old office once we finish the work in there. I am so proud of my hubby for taking on all this construction work- he did an amazing job. Now we are tearing down the closet in the nursery (where it was before made the room L shaped and there was no wall space big enough for a crib). That room is all windows but has it's own bathroom so a little bit of reconfiguring the layout should fix it right up. The crib and furniture has all been ordered (some awesome garage sale finds are just waiting for a little sprucing) but otherwise we are almost ready.

Physically I am ready, and at the same time I'm not. I am struggling a little bit with the fact that once this baby comes I'll never get to do it again. I'll never get to feel a baby move in my belly again, I'll never have a newborn again. So many things are final once this baby arrives. I kinda wish I could just pause time and enjoy these last few weeks a little longer. On the other hand, my back is killing me and I can't eat anything I want to... and God I MISS WINE! Its probably fair to say I'm equally happy for it to be over and sad. However, as I've said many times I didn't even think this baby was a possibility a year ago, so I am over the moon that I did get to experience this one last time.

So that brings us to Baby Bear's birth. Because of all my complications, my doctors and I have come up with two birth plans. Bless them, they still want me to be able to try and deliver without a C-Section. The wall in my uterus is sometimes there, and sometimes it's not. They think it might be malleable tissue that moves with the baby- but from the movement and the feeling of my stomach the baby stays to one side- so it makes sense the times that we can see the wall on the ultrasound- it's just empty space with fluid. So... we have two plans:

Plan A: This baby decides to come naturally and I get to deliver him at my 1st choice hospital. This hospital is a little ways away from us but their birthing philosophy and their NICU capabilities called out to me. There are a TON of rules, but they are all to protect the intimacy of the birthing experience. (For example: only one other person is allowed with me while I'm in labor. Not one at a time- just one person for the entire experience.) I love this, since last time I kept kicking everyone out and couldn't focus when the room was full. It was stressing me out and I always knew I didn't want that again, but this rule makes it so I don't have to be the bad guy. If I am able to deliver naturally I'd have to go to another hospital on a different day to have my tubes tied (this hospital is a Catholic one) so even if I end up with a medically necessary C-Section at this hospital I'd still need my tubes tied either way. This hospital is so great that I don't mind having to go back in for the procedure. Plus, in case we have another NICU need- this is the best hospital in the area for that. All the other hospitals would transport us to this one, so it makes sense to try to be there already.

Plan B: If Baby Bear doesn't come on his own by Thanksgiving, we are scheduled for a C-Section on the next day at an entirely different hospital. Because I have Gestational Diabetes they won't allow me to go longer than 39 weeks. This hospital does perform tubal ligation, so it makes sense if I end up having to have a C-Section then I should do it at the place that can perform the additional procedure. At that point we would just hope and pray for the best that Nate won't have any of the same complications as Averie and won't need a NICU. What I like about this plan, is that it's a one stop shop and I don't have to worry about scheduling an extra procedure. (and it means no December birthdays!)

I love both of these plans- mainly because I feel like I am getting set up for the best of both worlds. Luckily there are doctors at my office that have privileges in both of these hospitals, so I won't be stuck with a Doctor who doesn't know my history and complications no matter where I deliver. I also love that it's completely in Gods hands. I don't have to make the decisions. I don't have to worry and wonder if we're making the right moves at the right time. This baby can come on his own, or he'll come about a week from now. I like having an end date and 2 solid plans.

The hubby starts his vacation tomorrow so I can have the help I need (technically I am on bed rest and have been banned from traveling and driving) but because he wasn't able to be home with me it was kind of hard to adhere to. There is a house to clean, a shop to run and a toddler to run after. But now that he'll be off I'll be able to actually listen to all my doctors who have been urging  demanding me to take it easy. The bed rest and restrictions came from the constant Braxton Hicks contractions I've been having for weeks now. They're pretty regular, as in I'll have them a couple times a day but they always go away. Man... they are intense! I think my doctors have just gotten more cautious as now we are in the last few weeks and those practice contractions could become real ones very quickly.

So my new job for the next 12 days is to enjoy what's left of this pregnancy and have fun getting his nursery ready. I already closed up shop to new orders and have finished most of the large projects. I just have a few fun things lined up once the baby's room is completely done and painted. My poor hubby is going to wish he stayed at work when he sees the to-do list I have for him!

2nd Trimester Dogpile

WARNING: This is going to be a LOOOONG post!

As of today I am officially 21 weeks, which means we are more than half way though this pregnancy. There has been a lot going on in our little lives every since we've gotten pregnant but I guess I've been wanting to keep that to myself... until today. Yet again, we had more unfavorable news and I'm tired of trying to face it alone. My husband is incredibly supportive but there isn't a whole lot he can do, and honestly I think we're both tired of this game we get forced into where we have to keep reconfiguring our lives when each of these problems pops up. It's exhausting to say the least. Maybe we should start from the beginning...

A while ago (forgive me, as time is all blurring together) we were told our 2nd trimester screening came back positive for the same neural tube defects that affected Mason. With terror in our hearts for days and days we waited until we could go see the specialist. Long story short, our little one did not have any neural tube defects they could see. If anything is there, its so minor that it can be fixed after birth. (Whew!) The bad news? I have a "wall" growing in my uterus next to the baby. The specialist thinks it may be from my surgery but they really don't know. It isn't a "favorable" thing to have, as it could eventually crowd the baby so I am being monitored closely to keep an eye on it. We actually go back tomorrow for an update.

My back has been bothering me since I pee'd on the stick. It was actually one of my husband's first signals that I may be pregnant. So, after it started to get worse and worse (there are days when I literally can't get out of bed) we went to the doctor to find out what's going on. Basically I have perminate nerve damage from being pregnant with Averie that only flares up when I'm knocked up. I was referred to a physical therapist, but as my pregnancy has progressed so has my pain level. So, now I have to go multiple times a week to try and work on the nerve damage that keeps me from standing for long periods of time, and makes it difficult to walk.  But, I absolutely loves my PT! She's the sweetest and I always leave feeling so much better, so no complaints here!

The other complication is my weight. As in, I haven't gained any and I'm more than half way though my pregnancy. Because I have been plagued (again... thanks babies!) with constant nausea and vomiting my doctor is worried about my lack of weight gain. I thought I was doing well, because I haven't had to go get an IV for fluids yet- I thought I was winning this one haha- but it turns out it's still concerning even if it doesn't land me in the hospital this time. We are trying different nausea medications but so far the results have been the same: Me 0, Puking 100

In between all this medical chaos, we found out we are having a BOY! We are so excited to have our pair. We feel very blessed to not only have a healthy baby but to have the boy my husband has been wanting forever. Still no names, nothing seems to fit yet but we have time ;)

Now for the things that are weighing me down. I am trying really hard to stay positive this pregnancy and to take each obstacle with grace, but it weighs down on you no matter how hard you try to make a go of it. Because of all my complications it means a couple of things:

1. All of my doctors and specialists want to take me out of work now. This is something I have absolutely refused to do at this point. I can't just sit at home and think about everything I have going on, I'll drive myself crazy. Yes, I could put more time into my Etsy shop I suppose, but a lot of my issues would keep me from being in front of my sewing machine (as they have already). I need to work. As much as I like to complain about retail, I do enjoy it. I like the people I work with (one of them being my hunky hubby who always keeps me in a steady supply of snacks at break time) and it distracts me from all the pregnancy drama and worry that would otherwise be overwhelming my brain. Plus, we just can't afford to live with one income and a third of another.

2. I am going to have to have a C-Section. (Between the unpredictable "wall" in my uterus and my previous 26 hour labor this is their recommendation.) This isn't as upsetting as I thought it would be. Of course I've been hoping to have all the regular experiences most women get to- water breaking, natural labor, maybe even a doula.. but at this point with everything I've had to worry about in the past and in this pregnancy I'm just happy they have a safe way to get this baby out. I can let go of the things I won't get to experience, because the honest truth is I get to experience another baby... and about 6 months ago I had given up hope on that being a reality. There are some well meaning people in my life that keep urging me to get a 3rd opinion, or to try to deliver despite what my doctors have told me but how this baby comes into this world just isn't as important to me as it used to be. So to those people, I love you and I appreciate you... but can you shut the hell up already? ;)

3. Based on EVERYTHING in my history of pregnancies and all the complications going on with this one, both my doctor and the specialist I am seeing they both have recommended that while I'm open for my C-Section that I need to have my tubes tied. I know, bomb drop right? Well... kinda. Kevin and I had talked about making this decision on our own, but it was more out of fear than anything and I had still hoped maybe we could have another down the line. We had actually discussed him getting a vasectomy because it's cheaper and safer but there is something about someone else telling you that it's medically necessary that just punches you in the gut... or ovaries. It's so final, and kinda sad. Even though we had been leaning towards this decision it still sucks to be told ya know? Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing daughter and one cool little dude on the way, so I know I am blessed but I can't shake this one little feeling that I always thought we'd have a bigger family. I feel like I have all this love to give to more kids, but as I've said in the past, there are many ways to grow a family now a days. I am very aware that we are extremely blessed, but I don't think a little bit of mourning is uncalled for in this situation... and I know it will pass. Just one of those feelings you have to ride all the way though I guess.

Oh, the last thing that just popped up- despite being able to eat practically nothing I somehow managed to get gestational diabetes again. I kinda have to laugh at the situation this time. Last time I  was devastated and that just seems silly now. I know how to handle this, but there will be a new learning curve as I do it while working. I'll have to do some extra meal planning of course, and bring all my snacks to work. Keeping on the regular eating and testing schedule will be... interesting. Retail is so unpredictable but I have an awesome support system at work so I'm not worried about it. Just one more thing to figure out on this crazy pregnancy ride.

The last thing that is weighing heavily on my heart is since this is my last baby I'm determined to miss nothing. As much as I like working I need to figure out a way we can afford for me to stay home with this little guy. With Averie I literally cried every day when I had to get ready to go to work and I know it's going to hurt more knowing this is my last chance. There is no point sitting here and worrying about it now, but if you can send some prayers/good vibes our direction that something in our life changes so that it's possible for me to stay home with my babies it couldn't hurt. ;)

2 Years, 3 months and 2 Days

If you've been following this blog for a long time, you'll recall a post about how much I hate breast feeding. From the very moment our journey began I was convinced that I sucked at it and wouldn't be able to figure it out. Something kept me going... I wasn't not sure if it was the desire to be right, if it was just my stubborn nature or if I really just wanted this all to work out (I still don't know to be honest) but I refused to give up.

After a few months we finally fell into our breast feeding groove and I grew to love it. I looked forward to those moments, I yearned to hold her in my arms and watch her delicate little face while she nursed. It truly was one of the most wonderful things I've ever experienced as a mom... because it was just ours. I didn't have to share it with anyone else, and I enjoyed the selfishness of it all. I would put a million bucks on the line and bet that breast feeding is the reason Averie and I are so close. She just loves her mama so much, and I'd like to formally thank the breast feeding gods for that one.

When I got pregnant our Dr let me know that I should keep nursing, that it would help keep the GD away but she also warned me that I would need to stop by 20 weeks. I guess at that point, it can start taking nutrition away from Baby Bear and can cause me to have contractions late in pregnancy. I really wanted to follow the baby lead weaning program. I still had to nudge her a little, because honestly I think she would nurse until college if I let her. We cut out her night time feeding a while back, so I focused on her day time feedings. Since I work full time a quick "welcome home" bonding session would be for me to nurse her as soon as I got home. I started with that one and would instead offer her cheese or yogurt (I didn't want her to loose out on any calcium).

After a few weeks we moved on to the mid-morning feeding. We just kept up the same distraction technique and that worked for most of them. That brings us to about 2 weeks ago when all she had left was the 1st feeding when she woke up and her nap time feeding. My favorite was the mornings, because she would come into bed with us, nurse and cuddle until we were ready to get out of bed. I wasn't quite ready to give those up so we focused on nap time. She was at the point where she only took bottles from her grandma Mimi. If I was home I had to nurse her to sleep but if my hubby was home he would end up taking her next door (we live next door to my inlaws) and she would give her a bottle and get her to go down. Then she started refusing milk from me at nap time... totally out of the blue but I took it as a sign that she was ready to move on from that feeding as well.

4 days ago she woke up and immediately wanted to go to the living room and play. She wasn't interested in milk (I actually offered because I was full and was hurting) but she said no. The next 2 days after that I worked very early in the morning so her grandma Mimi was here when she woke up. She didn't ask for milk those days either. So for 3 days she didn't nurse at all. None of us could get her to take milk out of a sippy cup, but I let my mother in law know that she had to refuse a bottle and only offer a sippy cup from that point on. Since Averie led the way and made it clear she didn't want milk from me, I didn't want her to end up using a bottle instead. (It took a little convincing over those 3 days but eventually she took the cup- SUCCESS!) I knew she would figure out that she wasn't going to be offered anything else and would get with our program eventually.

Then, this morning she just about broke my heart... in many different ways. I went and brought her into bed to cuddle with us. It was the 1st morning since she stopped asking and I didn't have to open, and when she laid down she asked for milk. I was really torn, because we made all this progress but I really didn't know how she would handle it when I said no. I told her "I'm sorry baby, but milk's all gone" She looked at me and her little lip started to tremble. Then she hugged me close and patted my chest and said "by milk, I miss you" and gave me a kiss. She whimpered a little, like she was trying not to cry. Then she cuddled up next to my face and was stroking my cheek and said "mommy, i'm sad." I told her "I know baby, but mommy loves you." It killed me, for so many reasons.

1. I felt for her... it was literally her favorite thing to do and I missed her too. I missed the cuddles and the feelings I would get staring down at her, so entranced by her beauty not believing that she was actually mine. I never expected to nurse for so long but I'm ultimately glad I did. I just wish that I had known that the last time she nursed, was actually the LAST TIME. I wish I had taken more time for that moment to burn into my memory.

2. I was PROUD. I knew my little girl was special, I knew that she had shown me many times over the kind of compassionate heart she has. She loves animals and is always concerned with them being happy and having tons of cuddles. Whenever anyone looks sad or confused she goes up to them and says "you ok?" and gives them a hug. She has the biggest heart, but in that moment I was so proud that she was able to tell me how she felt. It was simple, but also powerful.

We just held each other until I was sure she felt better, I wanted to make sure she knew that even if I couldn't nurse her, I was here to hold her whenever she felt sad. I wanted to make sure she knew that even in this transition I was her go-to... the same way nursing comforted her in the past. So... she's officially weaned and I have mixed feelings. I know it's probably my hormones, but there will be one minute where I'm happy to not have her hanging on me 24/7 and another when the thought of me not nursing her again brings me to tears. It's an adjustment for both of us haha!

So... one thing down and two more to go. We have potty training and transitioning into a big girl bed to go, but we're already ahead of schedule so I'm feeling pretty good about it. I just wish I could celebrate weaning with an ice cold beer!

Even When You Aren't Trying, Things Are Happening

I just re-read my last post about resolutions and I'm pretty happy to report that it's May and I have stuck to them really well. I reached a turning point back in December, and I continued to let things happen all around me and many of my prayers were answered. Since December...

I got a new job... well an old job. Long ago the hubby and I worked for the same company and before I left I was promoted to a supervisor. I loved that job (didn't love the boss... she was literally the WORST) and I always resented the reason (her) I left. One day my hubby came home and said that they really needed someone in my old department. I told him to let his boss know that if she was ok with a married coupled working in the same store that I would be interested in just a part time position to get a little extra cash. I walked into that interview hoping for a part time job and left with my old job making more than before. Talk about blessings... another chance with the job I really did enjoy and I get to work with my hubby again? I literally couldn't have prayed for that to go better.

My little Etsy shop has truly flourished. I have over 4000 customers and a steady stream of orders every week. It's a little tricky balancing mom life, a full time job and my shop but I think I've proven that I don't sit still well. Although my life is crazy hectic, I am enjoying it to the fullest.

I didn't lose any more weight. I did maintain, but for some reason my hormones are set on me being this size. No amount of exercising or dieting was doing anything so I decided to embrace it all, and you know what? I've never felt more sexy in my life. There's something about accepting the hand your dealt that really makes you see your life to the full potential.

Kev and I celebrated our big 10-4! 10 years together and 4 years married. Our anniversary falls on St. Patricks Day and we got married the following Saturday. It worked out this year to have an entire anniversary weekend. We went out of town and did the things we used to do when we were falling in love. Art museums, long walks, good food... it was really wonderful.

Ok now, lets talk about baby news. We officially gave up trying back in February. I wasn't kidding when I had the realization that Averie was enough. We wanted to just go back to being romantic and not having a bigger purpose for our sex life. Things were going really well. Then right before our anniversary I check to see if I was ovulating, just in case. Nope! A big fat negative which was actually a big go-ahead for us to fully enjoy our anniversary weekend. (And boy did we! Sorry mom...)

The day before Easter I knew I was supposed to get my period and I had been super tired. My husband kept teasing me because I started craving strange things. But I kept thinking, I wasn't ovulating... he's got to be wrong. So, I took a test to shut him up. Instead, it shut me up. That was about 8 or so weeks ago, and this is what we posted on facebook yesterday.

Can you believe I kept it a secret so long? Me neither! I'm about 10.5 weeks and we decided we had to announce, because my tummy has a mind of its own. Granted, I was a little fluffy to begin with, but its already changing shape and rounding out. There's no mistaking it... even if I do look more like 5 months pregnant I'm working on being ok with it. I just have this irrational fear that I'll look like Kate plus 8 at the end of this. Plus, we are such open books that if something was to go wrong at this point, it's not like we wouldn't be open about it. But... keep those fingers and toes crossed that everything continues to be fine.

So, how has this pregnancy been? SUUUUPER different from Mason and Averie. At this point with both of them I had already been hospitalized twice for dehydration. With Averie I lost over 25lbs. With this baby I've only had 2 bad days. I feel exhausted and nauseous a lot, but those 2 days where I threw up non-stop are still wins in my book compared to my other pregnancies. I've gained about 2lbs and I'm hoping it plateaus for a bit since I was already big to begin with. I have all new pregnancy cravings: iced tea, strawberries, and tons of veggies. Basically protein of any kind makes me feel like running the other direction. A total 180 from Averie- before her I was more vegetarian inclined and then once I got pregnant with her all I wanted was ALL THE MEAT.

We told our family and close friends around 6 weeks. Mainly because it was around my birthday and they would be onto me for not drinking. How did we tell them? I made Averie a "Big Sister" shirt and just walked out to greet them. It was a good minute before anyone read her shirt. They were all in shock (they knew we had given up trying after 2 years) but they were all very happy. It was sweet and simple just the way I've wanted things to go with this pregnancy.

We just hit the mark where I could do the 1st trimester testing, so I went in and did all that blood work. Hopefully they'll have the results by my next appointment and I can start to feel excited. It's very strange to want something so badly for so long... not get it and resolve to giving up... and then be handed the very thing you wished for. You would think I'd be over the moon, but I guess my cautious heart is winning right now. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to be pregnant! I guess my heart is just not letting me get attached to this one yet, not until I get all the news I need to feel ok.

So far, I don't have GD. I am still nursing Averie so my Dr wants me to continue until the half way mark. She's pretty confident Averie's nursing is helping keep the GD away, and I've already started eating the diet just to be safe. I'm waiting on that 2nd trimester energy to kick in before I start my pre-natal workouts. I am high risk again, but if the GD stays away then we could be looking at a totally normal pregnancy and delivery. Oh yes, you may be wondering the due date. So are we! They keep changing it from Dec 3rd to the 8th so we have to wait until my 15 week appointment to get a final measurement and due date, but its looking like early December is our window. Funny, since my mother in law forbid December babies... but our anniversary being in March... it was sort of destined to happen haha!

Ok, I think this post is as long as it can be for now, I'll definitely be better at updating this thing now that I actually have something to talk about ;) Leaving your life to play out in God's hands is certainly fulfilling and wonderful, but it didn't give me a whole lot to blog about haha!