I'm learning that many things in my life are forever evolving and changing. As much as I love the concept of change and know it's necessary I am still surprised whenever I come to face it. After a quick freak out I adapt pretty well (most of the time) and my latest Dr visit threw me a change that I actually embraced quicker than normal.... who knew I could have a normal moment haha?
I went in for my regular check up with my midwife and had spent the night before up sick puking my guts out. This doesn't happen as frequently as it did in my first two trimesters, but I still have a few bad days here and there... no biggie...so to say I looked anywhere near to my normal self would just be a lie.
The minute I walked in she knew something was up. I tried to let her know it was just from being sick but she said that couldn't be all and then she did what she does best: ask the questions I don't ask myself that get me to cry and admit what's really going on. She said she picked up on my level of stress immediately and was concerned. I must have poured my heart out to her for over an hour while we discussed each and every aspect of my life and while I kept suggesting I knew how to fix it she would shoot me down. What do you mean I can't do everything? What do you mean slow down? I've never been the type of person to take a break or sit still and I guess it was taking more of a toll on me than I thought.
Then she suggested I take time off work to focus on my GD diet and exercise schedule. At first I was completely against it, because that would mean admitting that I haven't been doing as good of a job as I thought balancing work and my numbers. There was also the part of me that enjoys my job and the people I work with, and I wasn't ready to let them down yet. I guess I wasn't ready to admit defeat but it was right there in my food and monitoring journal- my numbers were only getting higher and higher and I'm maxed of of insulin. She had also reviewed my previous visits with other doctors regarding my dizzy spells and my back pain and was shocked that taking me out of work hadn't come up sooner. Well... it had... I just flat out refused the other times before that. For some reason hearing it from her made me actually take a minute to listen and realize she was right.
Thankfully I am not on bed rest, and somehow this week I've ended up being busier and working harder than I would if I had kept my shifts at work. I have set a great schedule for myself that perfectly balances all my GD requirements as well as giving me a sense of feeling productive throughout the day. It is definitely a change, but one I am able to embrace. Here is a look at what my new schedule typically looks like.
-8:00: Wake up and take blood sugar, then do my morning insulin injection. I really wanted to make sure I wasn't wasting this time sleeping in each day and becoming lazy.
-8:20: Make a GD approved breakfast
-8:30-8:50: Morning exercise (now I am still limited to the intensity of workouts by my doctors so I usually take my dog for a nice long walk)
-9:20: Test my blood sugar
-Between my 2nd blood testing and lunch I usually work on a project. It's most often the nursery but I've also been running errands and doing things to get ready for the baby shower.
-10:30: Have my morning snack- this is a great part of my day because it usually means dairy... i <3 dairy haha
-12:00: Lunch
-12:20-12:50: Mid day exercise- this depends where I am or what I'm doing. If I'm out running errands I make sure to leave some for after lunch so I can get my walking in. If I'm at home I'll walk my dog or do some prenatal yoga. I have this great book about pregnancy week by week and they have a new exercise every week and I'll try to work one of those in as well
-1:00: Test my blood sugar
-Usually after this I'll try to take a nap- my back is always hating me at this point in the day
-3:30: Have my afternoon snack
-Between my snack and dinner I'll try to do more productive things but I try not to be on my feet during this period to give my back a break. I've been doing a lot of painting and online bill paying ect...
-6:00 or 7:00: Dinner
-7:20-7:50: Evening exercise... this all depends on the weather. If it isn't too cold my husband joins me and the dog for another walk or if I have to stay in, we've been known to dance around the kitchen. He's very supportive of being a goof ball ;)
-8:00 Test my blood sugar
-Between here and my late night snack I can usually be found cuddling in bed with my husband and animals or hanging out with my family. This is probably the best gift of my leave- to have the time during the day to get everything else done so I'm not completely exhausted and passing out after dinner.
-10:30: Late night snack- this one is my favorite... peanut butter toast! I know it sounds lame but when so much of your diet is dictated its the little things that make me happy!
-11:15: Take my nightly insulin shot
-11:30 or 12am is when I usually get to bed for the night
-4:00am (almost on the dot) The baby wakes me up and forces me to use the rest room and when I get back in bed its my favorite time because she moves SO MUCH so it's like my little gift of the day.
It's only been about 3 days of this but I am very much in love with my new schedule and the fact that I am already seeing an improvement on my blood sugar numbers and my back is having less flare ups. I've even gone 3 days without a single dizzy spell! I've also noticed (even with a bad cold right now) I am so much happier. I don't feel guilty for half doing 20 things... I may only get 10 things done now but I get them completely done and that leaves me way more fulfilled. I also know that I can truly speak to my new blood sugars and not feel bad about missing the hour mark and testing late. I don't feel guilt over skipping the snacks because I'm too busy at work... For once I am doing everything by the book and for my type-a personality it gives me more satisfaction than I think I can describe.
I also feel thankful that I'm not on bed rest. I don't have to feel guilty about running errands or meeting my husband for lunch. I am thankful for the people I work with and their support of me taking this time off. I'm thankful to my family and my husband who were happy I finally listened to the Dr instead of treating me like I was taking the easy way out. (That last part is just my own insecurities- i know logically no one views this leave that way) AND! I have an appointment with a therapist (another thing my midwife recommended for this transition) next week. I'm finally feeling like I can switch gears guilt free and it feels amazing!
Friday, January 18, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Anniversary
I've been avoiding this blog the last few weeks- which was made easy by our Internet being down- but even when it was back I wasn't running to write. I've been stuck in my head a lot, mainly since the days before Christmas. A few days before Christmas I looked at the calendar and realized that it was the day I got the phone call that our tests were abnormal and I feel like I haven't felt normal since then. I know people say mood swings are common with pregnant women, but even my husband has said he hasn't seen much of a change through most of my pregnancy. However, he has noticed a greater change since I was told I have GD and even worse once I realized what anniversary was coming.
I don't like that word for what I'm going through. Anniversaries have always been a happy thing for me, so I don't like associating what I'm going through with that- but it is what it is I suppose. I kind of feel like I've been living out of body the last few weeks. I've been emotionally disconnected from the holidays- something that used to be my favorite time of year. I hit a wall somewhere with bad news (which is probably a good thing) where I just cant seem to get upset when I hear it now. I lost interest in a lot of things that usually make me happy. The only thing I seem to be excited about these days is getting Averie's nursery ready and I'm really thankful that I still have something that excites me.
Yesterday was exactly one year from when we lost Mason. I had the displeasure of being able to recall every detail from the day I got the phone call through yesterday's date. I could remember so clearly what I was doing and feeling each day leading up to the 12th. Even when I tried to distract myself with work, with Averie's room, with the holidays my mind always wandered back to where I didn't want it. I couldn't bring myself to read any of the entries from last year... I didn't need to- they were on constant replay in my mind.
The memory that haunted me the most was the day before, Jan 11th where I can remember and feel so clearly everything I was experiencing... laying in the Dr's office with silent tears wondering how my life had gotten to this point, and laying in bed all night not being able to sleep just praying and talking to Mason all while being completely jealous that my husband could find a way to sleep at all that night.
It's frustrating to have these feelings when I know logically that we have come so far, and that we are about to be blessed with meeting our daughter in the weeks to come. I feel like I should be stronger at this point- and some days I am- but the inconsistency is what drives me nuts.
My husband and I decided that getting away from everyone and everything on the 12th would be the best thing for us. We decided to go to Monterey and visit our spot, where I wrote to Mason so many times and spend the day wandering around the beautiful scenery. We were lucky too, although it was cold it couldn't have been a more beautiful day to go sit and watch the water. As we were sitting there I was hit with an overwhelming thought: When Averie is here, I can't be sad anymore. This little girl deserves everything wonderful that this world can offer, and a sad mommy does not fit into that image. I really need to get this grief under control and make sure when she grows up, she doesn't have memories of her mom as a sad pathetic mess.
I'm not really one for making New Year's Resolutions because I feel like if you want to do something you do it- don't pretend a holiday is the reason behind it... but I guess my moment on the beach yesterday really woke me up that this is something I need to pay attention to and really work on changing it. I know I have talked about getting my mental health in check before and I've been lazy about doing it- but now i know its not optional anymore. I need to do this for my daughter, so she can have a healthy and happy mommy and I can start feeling better regularly. My husband thinks that now that we've run out of firsts and anniversaries that I'll have an easier time moving on. I really pray that he is right- but I'm still going to take the necessary steps to make sure that it's true.
I'm not ignorant to the fact that depression is something all the women in my family have struggled with at some point. I also know that depression isn't just being upset about something... the kind I've experienced in different parts of my life take over my whole being- and while I can reassure you that I am not to that point- I can't reassure you that I wont be later if I don't figure things out now. I've been reading up on post-pardum depression and even my Dr's have told me with my history I am at risk for it to happen to me. This would get in the way of me being the best mom I can be to Averie, so I'm going to do everything in my power to prevent it.
Yesterday ended up being everything my husband and I needed it to- we took time for ourselves and then we found ourselves happily distracted by all things Averie. It was a totally organic, unplanned switch to our day- and it wasn't until I was going to bed that I realized it had happened, and it gave me so much hope for our future, for my future and for our daughter's future.
I don't like that word for what I'm going through. Anniversaries have always been a happy thing for me, so I don't like associating what I'm going through with that- but it is what it is I suppose. I kind of feel like I've been living out of body the last few weeks. I've been emotionally disconnected from the holidays- something that used to be my favorite time of year. I hit a wall somewhere with bad news (which is probably a good thing) where I just cant seem to get upset when I hear it now. I lost interest in a lot of things that usually make me happy. The only thing I seem to be excited about these days is getting Averie's nursery ready and I'm really thankful that I still have something that excites me.
Yesterday was exactly one year from when we lost Mason. I had the displeasure of being able to recall every detail from the day I got the phone call through yesterday's date. I could remember so clearly what I was doing and feeling each day leading up to the 12th. Even when I tried to distract myself with work, with Averie's room, with the holidays my mind always wandered back to where I didn't want it. I couldn't bring myself to read any of the entries from last year... I didn't need to- they were on constant replay in my mind.
The memory that haunted me the most was the day before, Jan 11th where I can remember and feel so clearly everything I was experiencing... laying in the Dr's office with silent tears wondering how my life had gotten to this point, and laying in bed all night not being able to sleep just praying and talking to Mason all while being completely jealous that my husband could find a way to sleep at all that night.
It's frustrating to have these feelings when I know logically that we have come so far, and that we are about to be blessed with meeting our daughter in the weeks to come. I feel like I should be stronger at this point- and some days I am- but the inconsistency is what drives me nuts.
My husband and I decided that getting away from everyone and everything on the 12th would be the best thing for us. We decided to go to Monterey and visit our spot, where I wrote to Mason so many times and spend the day wandering around the beautiful scenery. We were lucky too, although it was cold it couldn't have been a more beautiful day to go sit and watch the water. As we were sitting there I was hit with an overwhelming thought: When Averie is here, I can't be sad anymore. This little girl deserves everything wonderful that this world can offer, and a sad mommy does not fit into that image. I really need to get this grief under control and make sure when she grows up, she doesn't have memories of her mom as a sad pathetic mess.
I'm not really one for making New Year's Resolutions because I feel like if you want to do something you do it- don't pretend a holiday is the reason behind it... but I guess my moment on the beach yesterday really woke me up that this is something I need to pay attention to and really work on changing it. I know I have talked about getting my mental health in check before and I've been lazy about doing it- but now i know its not optional anymore. I need to do this for my daughter, so she can have a healthy and happy mommy and I can start feeling better regularly. My husband thinks that now that we've run out of firsts and anniversaries that I'll have an easier time moving on. I really pray that he is right- but I'm still going to take the necessary steps to make sure that it's true.
I'm not ignorant to the fact that depression is something all the women in my family have struggled with at some point. I also know that depression isn't just being upset about something... the kind I've experienced in different parts of my life take over my whole being- and while I can reassure you that I am not to that point- I can't reassure you that I wont be later if I don't figure things out now. I've been reading up on post-pardum depression and even my Dr's have told me with my history I am at risk for it to happen to me. This would get in the way of me being the best mom I can be to Averie, so I'm going to do everything in my power to prevent it.
Yesterday ended up being everything my husband and I needed it to- we took time for ourselves and then we found ourselves happily distracted by all things Averie. It was a totally organic, unplanned switch to our day- and it wasn't until I was going to bed that I realized it had happened, and it gave me so much hope for our future, for my future and for our daughter's future.
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