Operation Baby Farm

The trend of each day being different continues. After I got out of bed yesterday my husband and I spent the day together doing stuff around the house, went and got a burger, and then went too see 'We Bought a Zoo' and I don't know if it was because I had stuff to do to distract me or not, but it was a pretty relaxing day. Although the movie has a theme of loss, it was very uplifting and re-affirmed that I need to find a way to channel my energy into volunteer work.

Today was the first day that I wanted to get out of bed, get dressed and actually put effort into my appearance. It was also the first time that I've gotten a chance to actually look at how my body has started to change since surgery on Thursday. Which brings me to something that my husband and I have been talking about for a few days: Operation Baby Farm. I've quickly mentioned it in a previous post but basically, we want to take the next few months (we aren't allowed to start trying again until April) and work on making ourselves the best possible versions of ourselves to take on this journey.

We had already started doing things before all this happened: financial planning, the whole act of when we started trying was based on the fact that Kevin graduates from college in May, and our living situation... but we never actually took care of our physical beings. Let me explain:

1. Taking care of our minds
- tomorrow I will be making counseling appointments to make sure that I am emotionally ready to take all this on again, or to wait until I am. Right now, I need them more and my husband feels he is ok without it but eventually we will go in together. Someone told me that I have changed forever, and I need to work on being ok with that because right now my mentality is of a 5 year old and I just don't want to be different. However, I know if I go about this the right way, it can be a positive experience.

2. Taking care of our bodies
- we have been together for almost 7 years and we have both put on weight since that time. It makes sense, when you're happy you get comfortable... and then add that my husband is an amazing cook and well you get some extra lb's. Today we went grocery shopping with our new healthy philosophy in mind. We didn't make huge drastic changes because truthfully my tastes tend to go towards the healthier side anyway, but we made manageable ones. As soon as I am given the ok by my surgeon I will start a more vigorous workout routine. I was already doing pre-natal yoga but I am going to add in some kickboxing and try to find some drop in classes in our area for various things (think zumba, aerobics, dance) since it would be silly to get a gym membership when we plan to move in a few months. He already works out around the house, so I'm sure he will figure out a routine that works for him. He is already looking leaner.

3. Memorializing our son
- we are both artistic and have plans for representing Mason in artwork around our house. I don't consider myself an artist by any means but I like to paint and I would like to take a photo that I took and turn it into a painting. My husband has described a painting he would like to make as well, so when we feel up to it we will have a painting day for us. I also asked him to find me a frame that I can put the extra ultrasound photos in.
- today we made a consultation appointment with the tattoo artist who did my ankle tattoo representing my family. I had it done a few years ago, its a heart with a cancer ribbon incorporated for my mom and my family's favorite colors. We passed the tattoo shop on our way home the other day and before I could even finish bringing up the subject my husband was describing all the ideas he had for a tattoo for himself to represent Mason. We both think getting matching tattoos or each other's names are the 'kiss of death' so it did take me by surprise a little that he wants one too. We both have lots of ideas, they probably won't be matching but we are excited to start figuring out what feels right.
- we have a lot of ideas on how to represent him with our future children, but those we will decide as we go, we just know we want him to be a part of their lives somehow.

A goal of mine that doesn't fit into any of these categories is a way to figure out how I can actually say what we have been through. When I was on the phone with the tattoo artist I was happy that a friend had already filled him in on the situation because it never occurred to me that I would have to say the words out loud. Up until this point I've just been letting everyone else say it for me... It's like the journal. I still need to figure out what to do with the journal I write to Mason in. Do I keep it in case our kids want to read it? Should I tuck it away safe where it doesn't get disturbed? Should I bury it near the beach, or do I keep carrying it around everywhere with me? I suppose these are good things to talk about in my future appointments, it breaks my heart that he'll never read it. It's funny... the words I want to say to Mason I can't, but the ones I don't want to say to everyone else, I have to.