If you've been following this blog for a long time, you'll recall a post about how much I hate breast feeding. From the very moment our journey began I was convinced that I sucked at it and wouldn't be able to figure it out. Something kept me going... I wasn't not sure if it was the desire to be right, if it was just my stubborn nature or if I really just wanted this all to work out (I still don't know to be honest) but I refused to give up.
After a few months we finally fell into our breast feeding groove and I grew to love it. I looked forward to those moments, I yearned to hold her in my arms and watch her delicate little face while she nursed. It truly was one of the most wonderful things I've ever experienced as a mom... because it was just ours. I didn't have to share it with anyone else, and I enjoyed the selfishness of it all. I would put a million bucks on the line and bet that breast feeding is the reason Averie and I are so close. She just loves her mama so much, and I'd like to formally thank the breast feeding gods for that one.
When I got pregnant our Dr let me know that I should keep nursing, that it would help keep the GD away but she also warned me that I would need to stop by 20 weeks. I guess at that point, it can start taking nutrition away from Baby Bear and can cause me to have contractions late in pregnancy. I really wanted to follow the baby lead weaning program. I still had to nudge her a little, because honestly I think she would nurse until college if I let her. We cut out her night time feeding a while back, so I focused on her day time feedings. Since I work full time a quick "welcome home" bonding session would be for me to nurse her as soon as I got home. I started with that one and would instead offer her cheese or yogurt (I didn't want her to loose out on any calcium).
After a few weeks we moved on to the mid-morning feeding. We just kept up the same distraction technique and that worked for most of them. That brings us to about 2 weeks ago when all she had left was the 1st feeding when she woke up and her nap time feeding. My favorite was the mornings, because she would come into bed with us, nurse and cuddle until we were ready to get out of bed. I wasn't quite ready to give those up so we focused on nap time. She was at the point where she only took bottles from her grandma Mimi. If I was home I had to nurse her to sleep but if my hubby was home he would end up taking her next door (we live next door to my inlaws) and she would give her a bottle and get her to go down. Then she started refusing milk from me at nap time... totally out of the blue but I took it as a sign that she was ready to move on from that feeding as well.
4 days ago she woke up and immediately wanted to go to the living room and play. She wasn't interested in milk (I actually offered because I was full and was hurting) but she said no. The next 2 days after that I worked very early in the morning so her grandma Mimi was here when she woke up. She didn't ask for milk those days either. So for 3 days she didn't nurse at all. None of us could get her to take milk out of a sippy cup, but I let my mother in law know that she had to refuse a bottle and only offer a sippy cup from that point on. Since Averie led the way and made it clear she didn't want milk from me, I didn't want her to end up using a bottle instead. (It took a little convincing over those 3 days but eventually she took the cup- SUCCESS!) I knew she would figure out that she wasn't going to be offered anything else and would get with our program eventually.
Then, this morning she just about broke my heart... in many different ways. I went and brought her into bed to cuddle with us. It was the 1st morning since she stopped asking and I didn't have to open, and when she laid down she asked for milk. I was really torn, because we made all this progress but I really didn't know how she would handle it when I said no. I told her "I'm sorry baby, but milk's all gone" She looked at me and her little lip started to tremble. Then she hugged me close and patted my chest and said "by milk, I miss you" and gave me a kiss. She whimpered a little, like she was trying not to cry. Then she cuddled up next to my face and was stroking my cheek and said "mommy, i'm sad." I told her "I know baby, but mommy loves you." It killed me, for so many reasons.
1. I felt for her... it was literally her favorite thing to do and I missed her too. I missed the cuddles and the feelings I would get staring down at her, so entranced by her beauty not believing that she was actually mine. I never expected to nurse for so long but I'm ultimately glad I did. I just wish that I had known that the last time she nursed, was actually the LAST TIME. I wish I had taken more time for that moment to burn into my memory.
2. I was PROUD. I knew my little girl was special, I knew that she had shown me many times over the kind of compassionate heart she has. She loves animals and is always concerned with them being happy and having tons of cuddles. Whenever anyone looks sad or confused she goes up to them and says "you ok?" and gives them a hug. She has the biggest heart, but in that moment I was so proud that she was able to tell me how she felt. It was simple, but also powerful.
We just held each other until I was sure she felt better, I wanted to make sure she knew that even if I couldn't nurse her, I was here to hold her whenever she felt sad. I wanted to make sure she knew that even in this transition I was her go-to... the same way nursing comforted her in the past. So... she's officially weaned and I have mixed feelings. I know it's probably my hormones, but there will be one minute where I'm happy to not have her hanging on me 24/7 and another when the thought of me not nursing her again brings me to tears. It's an adjustment for both of us haha!
So... one thing down and two more to go. We have potty training and transitioning into a big girl bed to go, but we're already ahead of schedule so I'm feeling pretty good about it. I just wish I could celebrate weaning with an ice cold beer!
