Well my soul searching mentioned in my previous post had to be rushed a little bit. Today, I will be actively making changes that will land me back in the bay area approximately 6 weeks before my husband is due to move back. This was always a possibility, but now that it's actually happening I am freaking out a little... ok a lot.
I know that this is the best move for us in the long run, but I am overwhelmed with the knowledge that I won't see my husband every day. We are very close, we spend every possible moment together... so the fact that we will now have to rely heavily on phone calls, texts and skype is somewhat terrifying. I know we can do it, we are incredibly bonded and genuinely like talking to each other (something i am sadly told is rare in most marriages) and we are both determined to have a better future together. I am just being a baby about it....
I also have made some decisions about some of my dreams that I've had for myself for quite some time, but never had the courage... or the resources... to do it. I am going to go back to school when I move back home. I have even decided where I am going to school, which is a big deal for me... I love to talk about all the things I'd like to do... but I am no so good at the following up part. Especially when an easier path is in front of me, I don't typically go out of my way to accomplish selfish goals.
I have loved doing hair and makeup my entire life. I used to sneak my mom's makeup when she was at work and spend the entire summer hiding with mirrors doing my makeup or playing with my hair. When i was in high school, everyone came to my house so I could do their hair and makeup- it was beauty central and I loved every minute of it. (Keep in mind I went to 16 proms- so i had a LOT of practice.) I did lots of hair and makeup for my friends who were in plays, and even some weddings. It is my happy place. I even cut my family and friend's hair from time to time, and I have probably dyed almost everyone's hair with not a whole lot of formal training, just the things I picked up here and there. Not to toot my own horn, but they keep asking me to do it so I must be doing something right ;)
I am going to go to the Designs School of Cosmetology. They have a program where I can go at night, and they have contracts with Redkin and Mac... two of the best product lines in my opinion. It's going to be draining going to school and work and also keeping up my relationship with my husband but to say that I am ready for a challenge, is an understatement. I can't wait to start... I haven't really even told my friend and family that I made this decision- mainly out of fear (I'm sure they will be supportive but this is a dream I have kept to myself so I am naturally terrified of everyone's reactions). My husband is going to be in the tv/movie production business so my end goal is to be a hair/makeup artist for tv/movies and eventually get into special effects makeup.
While all of these changes are happening quicker than I had planned, they are all very exciting, and with the support of my husband I know I can do it... and I can't wait!!!
Friday, March 30, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
The Past is a Present towards the Future
I know I said I would update the blog about our trip to the east coast last week but I was having a really difficult time trying to find the words to explain our trip. It was so many things: cleansing, inspiring, relaxing, busy, wonderful and spiritual. I decided to try to sum it up the best I could in one word... beautiful.
These people we were visiting have been so influential in my life for over 10 years. There were many years where I was closer to them than my own parents, and I still am in a lot of ways. They always accepted me for every side of myself that I presented them with. They were always understanding of my feelings and made me feel ok about them, even if I wasn't always right. They were a lot of things that my husband is for me now. Support, comfort, love. Then they had these beautiful babies that I couldn't help but fall in love with. The best part was they loved me too, they were the first kids in my life that I ever had a special connection with. I am so proud of the little people they are becoming, and in awe of how quickly they are growing up.
My husband fell easily into their graces when we started dating, and now thinks of them as family too. I don't think I have to words to describe sitting on the beach with this family and watching my husband play with their kids for an entire afternoon. I have always been able to talk to them about everything, but for some reason during this trip I changed the subject or blatantly avoided talking about Mason whenever he came up. It's not like he is something I wouldn't talk to them about, they are at the top of the list of people that I am ok even hearing his name from... but I just couldn't do it. It wasn't until we left the east coast that I actually had a real, unedited conversation with them- and it was exactly what I needed... so why didn't I allow myself to have it when I was actually with them? Something to explore in therapy I suppose...
While we were there we celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary. This family couldn't make it to our large wedding in March- and were supposed to be key components in the wedding party, so the fact that we got to celebrate our vow renewal with them meant the whole world. It was the perfect little ceremony that I had hoped for, and they far exceeded any expectations with their personal touches. It was exactly what Kev and I needed to 'recharge' our batteries. We allowed it to cleanse us, to take on the rest of this year with a new outlook. It made us even closer, which again, I am always surprised when this happens because I always assume we are as close as possible. Here are a few photos from our vow renewal:
There are a lot of little details from our trip that were incredibly special, but I think we will keep them between us. I will say that it was the best trip, and it was exactly what my husband and I needed. We can't wait until we can go back again, I have so much love in my heart for my beautiful other family.
Now for an update on our current lives...
When we got back to the west coast I had an appointment where I had the opportunity to receive a shot that would insure that I ovulate. I have ovulated since my surgery, but it was basically an insurance policy that things should happen on time. When I went in, I was alone (Kev had to work) and I couldn't stop thinking that I wasn't ready. Then when the Dr came in, I couldn't hold it in. I had a mini freak out in the middle of my Dr appointment. I started crying and telling them I couldn't do it, I wasn't ready.
My doctors deduced from my melt down that I have PTSD. I never really thought about it before they were sitting in front of me, explaining what was wrong. A few wise friends had mentioned it, but I always associated PTSD with veterans- you know... someone who has actually seen the worst life has to offer... I didn't think what I had been through amounted to anything close to what veterans have experienced. My doctors explained that even if I didn't think what I was going through was worthy of a diagnosis, it was obvious to them what was wrong. I have a strong aversion to taking meds, I don't knock anyone who takes them- I just don't think they are right for me. However, I also decided after a lot of consideration to take their advise. So a few weeks ago I started taking a low-dose (at my request) anti-depressant and as soon as I am able to get my insurance in order, I am to see a therapist regularly. My husband and I saw a family/trauma specialist but they want me to focus on solo visits... so I will. One thing I do really believe in is therapy, and I am more than happy to comply with this doctor's order.
People have been telling me since all of this happened with Mason that I should try to find a way to enjoy the time I was 'given' ... cough... forced into receiving... cough... and only recently did I start to agree. Soon my husband will be graduating from college and we will be moving back home to stay with family so we can save money to hopefully purchase a house. Before when I was pregnant, that plan was perfect because we would be surrounded by family. After we lost the baby, we decided it was still the smartest move so that we could set ourselves up for a better future.
There are other decisions to be made about this future though, and I am having a hard time figuring out what it is I want to do with this time. The agreement my husband and I have had the last few years is that he would finish school and I would work full time and eventually go back to school when he was done. Now that time is coming and I actually have to think about what I want to do. Part of me never expected this time to come. I don't want to sound like I never get my way, because that isn't true. However, when it comes to major life events I am used to being disappointed, or having things happen on a different timeline than I had originally planned.
My problem is that part of me doesn't want to acknowledge this time where I need to focus on myself, and the other part of me has no clue what I want to do. My husband has graciously volunteered to take on the brunt of our financial obligations when we move home. Something I didn't think was ever going to be an option for us. He is kind that way, he wants me to follow my passions whatever they may be and he is willing to take all this on for me. I love so many different things and I really need to spend some time soul-searching and pin pointing how I really want to be spending the rest of my life. Before I thought I had it all figured out, I was going to be Mason's mom and Kevin's wife and I was fine somewhat fading into the background to support them. Now I am being given the opportunity to put myself first, and I honestly don't know how to handle it. I can tell you one thing, while I am not looking forward to figuring it out, I am looking forward whatever our future holds.
These people we were visiting have been so influential in my life for over 10 years. There were many years where I was closer to them than my own parents, and I still am in a lot of ways. They always accepted me for every side of myself that I presented them with. They were always understanding of my feelings and made me feel ok about them, even if I wasn't always right. They were a lot of things that my husband is for me now. Support, comfort, love. Then they had these beautiful babies that I couldn't help but fall in love with. The best part was they loved me too, they were the first kids in my life that I ever had a special connection with. I am so proud of the little people they are becoming, and in awe of how quickly they are growing up.
My husband fell easily into their graces when we started dating, and now thinks of them as family too. I don't think I have to words to describe sitting on the beach with this family and watching my husband play with their kids for an entire afternoon. I have always been able to talk to them about everything, but for some reason during this trip I changed the subject or blatantly avoided talking about Mason whenever he came up. It's not like he is something I wouldn't talk to them about, they are at the top of the list of people that I am ok even hearing his name from... but I just couldn't do it. It wasn't until we left the east coast that I actually had a real, unedited conversation with them- and it was exactly what I needed... so why didn't I allow myself to have it when I was actually with them? Something to explore in therapy I suppose...
While we were there we celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary. This family couldn't make it to our large wedding in March- and were supposed to be key components in the wedding party, so the fact that we got to celebrate our vow renewal with them meant the whole world. It was the perfect little ceremony that I had hoped for, and they far exceeded any expectations with their personal touches. It was exactly what Kev and I needed to 'recharge' our batteries. We allowed it to cleanse us, to take on the rest of this year with a new outlook. It made us even closer, which again, I am always surprised when this happens because I always assume we are as close as possible. Here are a few photos from our vow renewal:
 |
| Our Master of Ceremonies |
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| Our Ring Barrers and Singers |
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| Savoring the moment after the ceremony |
There are a lot of little details from our trip that were incredibly special, but I think we will keep them between us. I will say that it was the best trip, and it was exactly what my husband and I needed. We can't wait until we can go back again, I have so much love in my heart for my beautiful other family.
Now for an update on our current lives...
When we got back to the west coast I had an appointment where I had the opportunity to receive a shot that would insure that I ovulate. I have ovulated since my surgery, but it was basically an insurance policy that things should happen on time. When I went in, I was alone (Kev had to work) and I couldn't stop thinking that I wasn't ready. Then when the Dr came in, I couldn't hold it in. I had a mini freak out in the middle of my Dr appointment. I started crying and telling them I couldn't do it, I wasn't ready.
My doctors deduced from my melt down that I have PTSD. I never really thought about it before they were sitting in front of me, explaining what was wrong. A few wise friends had mentioned it, but I always associated PTSD with veterans- you know... someone who has actually seen the worst life has to offer... I didn't think what I had been through amounted to anything close to what veterans have experienced. My doctors explained that even if I didn't think what I was going through was worthy of a diagnosis, it was obvious to them what was wrong. I have a strong aversion to taking meds, I don't knock anyone who takes them- I just don't think they are right for me. However, I also decided after a lot of consideration to take their advise. So a few weeks ago I started taking a low-dose (at my request) anti-depressant and as soon as I am able to get my insurance in order, I am to see a therapist regularly. My husband and I saw a family/trauma specialist but they want me to focus on solo visits... so I will. One thing I do really believe in is therapy, and I am more than happy to comply with this doctor's order.
People have been telling me since all of this happened with Mason that I should try to find a way to enjoy the time I was 'given' ... cough... forced into receiving... cough... and only recently did I start to agree. Soon my husband will be graduating from college and we will be moving back home to stay with family so we can save money to hopefully purchase a house. Before when I was pregnant, that plan was perfect because we would be surrounded by family. After we lost the baby, we decided it was still the smartest move so that we could set ourselves up for a better future.
There are other decisions to be made about this future though, and I am having a hard time figuring out what it is I want to do with this time. The agreement my husband and I have had the last few years is that he would finish school and I would work full time and eventually go back to school when he was done. Now that time is coming and I actually have to think about what I want to do. Part of me never expected this time to come. I don't want to sound like I never get my way, because that isn't true. However, when it comes to major life events I am used to being disappointed, or having things happen on a different timeline than I had originally planned.
My problem is that part of me doesn't want to acknowledge this time where I need to focus on myself, and the other part of me has no clue what I want to do. My husband has graciously volunteered to take on the brunt of our financial obligations when we move home. Something I didn't think was ever going to be an option for us. He is kind that way, he wants me to follow my passions whatever they may be and he is willing to take all this on for me. I love so many different things and I really need to spend some time soul-searching and pin pointing how I really want to be spending the rest of my life. Before I thought I had it all figured out, I was going to be Mason's mom and Kevin's wife and I was fine somewhat fading into the background to support them. Now I am being given the opportunity to put myself first, and I honestly don't know how to handle it. I can tell you one thing, while I am not looking forward to figuring it out, I am looking forward whatever our future holds.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Songs to Inspire
There has been so much going on lately, but I want to give the post about our recent trip to MA to renew our vows and visit family the time and care it deserves... so, until then here are a few songs that have spoken to me and encouraged me to continue on in Project Baby Farm. I have still had some hard days since declaring this a sad-post free zone, but that is to be expected. So take a minute and read these lyrics and maybe they can help someone the way they have helped me.
Borrowed Angels
By Kristen Chenoweth
They shine a little brighter, they feel a little more
They touch your life in ways no one has ever done before
They love a little stronger, they live to give their best
They make our lives so blessed, so why do they go so soon?
The ones with souls so beautiful
I heard someone say
There must be Borrowed Angels, here in this life
They come along, into this world, and make this world bright
But they can't stay forever
Cause they're heaven sent
And sometimes, heaven needs them back again
They reach a little deeper, they see what's in your soul
And even when they leave you know, you'll never let them go
The world's a little richer, just cause they came along
Their love goes on and on, so why do they go so soon?
The ones with souls so beautiful. I heard someone say
There must be Borrowed Angels, here in this life
They come along, into this world, and make this world bright
They can't stay forever, cause they're heaven sent
And sometimes, heaven needs them back again
How else can you explain why they're here and not here to stay?
I believe there must be, must be
Borrowed Angels, here in this life
They come along, into this world, and make this world bright
But they can't stay forever, cause there heaven sent
And sometimes heaven needs them back again
And sometimes heaven needs them back again
Here's another one I heard more recently that connected to my Project Baby Farm feelings I've been trying to figure out.
It Stops Today
By Colbie Caillat
No, no, I, I, I, I, I don't want to break when I speak
I don't want to shake while I'm standing
I don't want to crawl into another hole
I don't know what I'm hiding for
No, I, I, I, I, I don't want to fall when I stand
I don't want to have to hold your hand
I just want to be the girl I use to be when I was me and worry free
I know these burnings on my own
But I can't keep on running
No I just can't keep on running away from here
I know that the only way to be is to fight my every fear
I'm not going to make it 'til I turn around and face it alone, I know
I can't just keep running, no I just can't keep on running away
So it stop today
So here I am, I'm taking my first step
Thought I was losing balance but I caught myself
I kind of like the challenge, no I don't need help
I'm going to make it past the very start
It's always been my hardest part
But I, I, I, I, I'm going to stay in control
I must admit this crutch is getting old
I am going to throw it out of my hand
I'm finally here, I understand
I know I'll get there on my own
So I can't keep on running
No I just can't keep on running away from here
I know that the only way to be is fighting my every fear
I'm not going to make it 'til I turn around and face it alone, I know
That I can't keep running, no I just can't keep on running away
So it stop today
You can hide from all the pain
But it will find you anyway
Yes, I know, now I know
That I can't keep on running
No I just can't keep on running away from here
I know that the only way to be is fighting my every fear
I'm not going to make it til I turn around and face it alone, I know
That I can't just keep running, no I just can't keep on running away
So it stop today
Borrowed Angels
By Kristen Chenoweth
They shine a little brighter, they feel a little more
They touch your life in ways no one has ever done before
They love a little stronger, they live to give their best
They make our lives so blessed, so why do they go so soon?
The ones with souls so beautiful
I heard someone say
There must be Borrowed Angels, here in this life
They come along, into this world, and make this world bright
But they can't stay forever
Cause they're heaven sent
And sometimes, heaven needs them back again
They reach a little deeper, they see what's in your soul
And even when they leave you know, you'll never let them go
The world's a little richer, just cause they came along
Their love goes on and on, so why do they go so soon?
The ones with souls so beautiful. I heard someone say
There must be Borrowed Angels, here in this life
They come along, into this world, and make this world bright
They can't stay forever, cause they're heaven sent
And sometimes, heaven needs them back again
How else can you explain why they're here and not here to stay?
I believe there must be, must be
Borrowed Angels, here in this life
They come along, into this world, and make this world bright
But they can't stay forever, cause there heaven sent
And sometimes heaven needs them back again
And sometimes heaven needs them back again
Here's another one I heard more recently that connected to my Project Baby Farm feelings I've been trying to figure out.
It Stops Today
By Colbie Caillat
No, no, I, I, I, I, I don't want to break when I speak
I don't want to shake while I'm standing
I don't want to crawl into another hole
I don't know what I'm hiding for
No, I, I, I, I, I don't want to fall when I stand
I don't want to have to hold your hand
I just want to be the girl I use to be when I was me and worry free
I know these burnings on my own
But I can't keep on running
No I just can't keep on running away from here
I know that the only way to be is to fight my every fear
I'm not going to make it 'til I turn around and face it alone, I know
I can't just keep running, no I just can't keep on running away
So it stop today
So here I am, I'm taking my first step
Thought I was losing balance but I caught myself
I kind of like the challenge, no I don't need help
I'm going to make it past the very start
It's always been my hardest part
But I, I, I, I, I'm going to stay in control
I must admit this crutch is getting old
I am going to throw it out of my hand
I'm finally here, I understand
I know I'll get there on my own
So I can't keep on running
No I just can't keep on running away from here
I know that the only way to be is fighting my every fear
I'm not going to make it 'til I turn around and face it alone, I know
That I can't keep running, no I just can't keep on running away
So it stop today
You can hide from all the pain
But it will find you anyway
Yes, I know, now I know
That I can't keep on running
No I just can't keep on running away from here
I know that the only way to be is fighting my every fear
I'm not going to make it til I turn around and face it alone, I know
That I can't just keep running, no I just can't keep on running away
So it stop today
Friday, March 9, 2012
The Last Entry
Last week my post was pretty much a juvenile bitch fest. I let the little things get me down, and to be honest when I went back and read it I was embarrassed that I didn't handle it better. However, I have always tried to be honest on here, so even if I'm not always proud of the way I am handling things, at least I can be truthful about the process, and not re-edit myself (because I can't re-edit life right?)
The nice thing is that the very next day I took another ovulation test just out of curiosity and it was positive for ovulation. I know I shouldn't let my 'ovulatory status' rule my life but I felt let down every time I took the test and it came back negative. I felt like my body was still against me, but when I saw the positive test I got this very calm feeling. I know it sounds stupid, but literally my whole world changed when the proof that I wasn't broken was in my hands.
We had already decided to wait to try again until after my birthday in April so we didn't act on the positive test, but honestly... we didn't need to. I was so happy and at peace knowing that we even had the option, that it didn't bother me to wait.
Today was my first day off in 12 days and I decided to try and paint. I've been painting for the last 3 years off and on. I haven't had any training, so it takes me a long time to figure out how to execute my ideas. I do a lot of googling of technique and I am basically terrified as I work that I will screw it up and have to start all over. Many of my paintings have ended up in the trash...
After my surgery we stopped at 'our' beach (you can read more about that here ) and I took this photo:
I ended up loving this photo, and I knew that I wanted to try and paint it. In true form, I let my fear of not being experienced enough keep me from doing it. I also convinced myself that it would be too hard emotionally to do it. I'm not sure what got me in the mood to do it today but for whatever reason I woke up and knew that I wanted to paint. It took me about 3 hours to do... I'm honestly not sure if that is a short time or a long time but it was the best 3 hours I've had in the last few months. 2012 has been a bitch to me, with plenty of ups and downs. After my positive ovulation test and the emotional stress I was able to let go of today I think I can safely say that there won't be any more depressing entries on this blog. I really want to focus my energy on being positive and looking forward. I spent enough time letting myself fall into destructive patterns and feelings and I am ready to move on.
I hope that people will be interested to read about the other parts of my life that are important, and things that have nothing to do with being sad. This is my last 'sad' entry.
Here is the final product of my painting:
The nice thing is that the very next day I took another ovulation test just out of curiosity and it was positive for ovulation. I know I shouldn't let my 'ovulatory status' rule my life but I felt let down every time I took the test and it came back negative. I felt like my body was still against me, but when I saw the positive test I got this very calm feeling. I know it sounds stupid, but literally my whole world changed when the proof that I wasn't broken was in my hands.
We had already decided to wait to try again until after my birthday in April so we didn't act on the positive test, but honestly... we didn't need to. I was so happy and at peace knowing that we even had the option, that it didn't bother me to wait.
Today was my first day off in 12 days and I decided to try and paint. I've been painting for the last 3 years off and on. I haven't had any training, so it takes me a long time to figure out how to execute my ideas. I do a lot of googling of technique and I am basically terrified as I work that I will screw it up and have to start all over. Many of my paintings have ended up in the trash...
After my surgery we stopped at 'our' beach (you can read more about that here ) and I took this photo:
I ended up loving this photo, and I knew that I wanted to try and paint it. In true form, I let my fear of not being experienced enough keep me from doing it. I also convinced myself that it would be too hard emotionally to do it. I'm not sure what got me in the mood to do it today but for whatever reason I woke up and knew that I wanted to paint. It took me about 3 hours to do... I'm honestly not sure if that is a short time or a long time but it was the best 3 hours I've had in the last few months. 2012 has been a bitch to me, with plenty of ups and downs. After my positive ovulation test and the emotional stress I was able to let go of today I think I can safely say that there won't be any more depressing entries on this blog. I really want to focus my energy on being positive and looking forward. I spent enough time letting myself fall into destructive patterns and feelings and I am ready to move on.
I hope that people will be interested to read about the other parts of my life that are important, and things that have nothing to do with being sad. This is my last 'sad' entry.
Here is the final product of my painting:
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Stress
As much as I try to remind myself that sometimes little things don't matter, they still end up creeping up on me. Then come the bigger things and I have to figure out which ones to pay attention to, and which ones can be filed away for later. Every once and a while my 'wait until later' brain file gets so full that I cant help but allow it all to come spilling out. This last week has been the perfect example of this, and although I try to arm myself with tools to over come it, sometimes you need to just let it happen.
Over the last week I got summoned for Jury Duty for the very first time and no one was more surprised than I was when I got picked. I find the judicial system very interesting (I'm a law and order junkie) but I was not happy that I got selected for a trial that is 2 weeks long. Needless to say, my place of business was not thrilled with the idea either.
This week I was tracking my ovulation cycle on the orders of my doctor. According to him I was supposed to ovulate on Wednesday. I never ovulated this week at all. We weren't even going to try this month, it was purely for tracking purposes so we could be prepared for April but it never happened. Now I have to go into the Dr's office on a specific day of my cycle and be injected with something (I forget what it is, I think its hormones... I'll google it eventually) and it will force my body to ovulate. Once again, work was not happy with me adding days that I need off. It's hard to care about that though when I am all consumed with the fact that I didn't ovulate. What does this mean for next month? Will the shot even work? I have so many questions, and many more things that I would rather put my brain power towards, but I'm forced to care what other's think about all this instead of what I think of it.
Today was like the perfect storm of crap. Without going into too much detail there was drama that I unfortunately got dragged into and when I tried to defend myself it only made things worse. Now, I get to wait weeks before it's going to be resolved which means I'm going to obsess over it until its done. Sadly, I don't see it ending well, and probably at my expense. Talking about how unfair the situation is, is just a waste of time. I just don't have the energy it takes to keep up with the people involved, nor do I have the desire to be on their level but when I am around them I just can't help it- they get completely under my skin and no matter how much I try to remove myself from the situation I always find myself involved again. Its a vicious cycle caring about people and things (vague enough for you lol?) to the point where you end up fighting for what you believe is right. When I bring things up, it's not to cause more drama. Usually by the time I bring something up, it's the very last straw, I've exhausted all my resources and I really do feel like it's the right thing to do.
I have a problem with people who just like to cause drama, but not enough to go crying about it to anyone else. When something happens that is flat out not right, only then do i speak up- but I still get treated the same as a tattler. I think is wrong to put both of those types of people into the same assumption. One is obviously trying to cause problems, and the other is trying to resolve them- its 2 different things in my eyes.
What I am trying to get at is this week is not the worst week of my life. I feel awful, I am completely drained of all energy, I trust no one at this point, and I am sad to be surrounded by these people... BUT I can do it. Although I want to give up at times, I keep reminding myself that this is nothing compared to what I've already been through. On the other hand, once I realize that this is nothing compared to the events that I'm referring to as 'The Darkest January' I am suddenly not interested in dealing with these things at all. Does that make sense? I guess I have a new sense of what is important and what isn't, and the things that don't measure up to my new 'normal' have no business in my life at all. This gets me in trouble too, because there are things that I'm supposed to care about like my life hasn't changed, and I just can't... and don't... and honestly I probably never will again. However, these things are important to others so I have to find a way to either try to care even a little, or become really good at faking it.
Over the last week I got summoned for Jury Duty for the very first time and no one was more surprised than I was when I got picked. I find the judicial system very interesting (I'm a law and order junkie) but I was not happy that I got selected for a trial that is 2 weeks long. Needless to say, my place of business was not thrilled with the idea either.
This week I was tracking my ovulation cycle on the orders of my doctor. According to him I was supposed to ovulate on Wednesday. I never ovulated this week at all. We weren't even going to try this month, it was purely for tracking purposes so we could be prepared for April but it never happened. Now I have to go into the Dr's office on a specific day of my cycle and be injected with something (I forget what it is, I think its hormones... I'll google it eventually) and it will force my body to ovulate. Once again, work was not happy with me adding days that I need off. It's hard to care about that though when I am all consumed with the fact that I didn't ovulate. What does this mean for next month? Will the shot even work? I have so many questions, and many more things that I would rather put my brain power towards, but I'm forced to care what other's think about all this instead of what I think of it.
Today was like the perfect storm of crap. Without going into too much detail there was drama that I unfortunately got dragged into and when I tried to defend myself it only made things worse. Now, I get to wait weeks before it's going to be resolved which means I'm going to obsess over it until its done. Sadly, I don't see it ending well, and probably at my expense. Talking about how unfair the situation is, is just a waste of time. I just don't have the energy it takes to keep up with the people involved, nor do I have the desire to be on their level but when I am around them I just can't help it- they get completely under my skin and no matter how much I try to remove myself from the situation I always find myself involved again. Its a vicious cycle caring about people and things (vague enough for you lol?) to the point where you end up fighting for what you believe is right. When I bring things up, it's not to cause more drama. Usually by the time I bring something up, it's the very last straw, I've exhausted all my resources and I really do feel like it's the right thing to do.
I have a problem with people who just like to cause drama, but not enough to go crying about it to anyone else. When something happens that is flat out not right, only then do i speak up- but I still get treated the same as a tattler. I think is wrong to put both of those types of people into the same assumption. One is obviously trying to cause problems, and the other is trying to resolve them- its 2 different things in my eyes.
What I am trying to get at is this week is not the worst week of my life. I feel awful, I am completely drained of all energy, I trust no one at this point, and I am sad to be surrounded by these people... BUT I can do it. Although I want to give up at times, I keep reminding myself that this is nothing compared to what I've already been through. On the other hand, once I realize that this is nothing compared to the events that I'm referring to as 'The Darkest January' I am suddenly not interested in dealing with these things at all. Does that make sense? I guess I have a new sense of what is important and what isn't, and the things that don't measure up to my new 'normal' have no business in my life at all. This gets me in trouble too, because there are things that I'm supposed to care about like my life hasn't changed, and I just can't... and don't... and honestly I probably never will again. However, these things are important to others so I have to find a way to either try to care even a little, or become really good at faking it.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Lifting Weights
By the title of this blog you are probably expecting an update on Operation Baby Farm, the body edition. Well, that's not really the 'weights' I mean, but I'll give you a quick update on that too. I am on my 2nd week of Weight Watchers and so far I've lost 2.5lbs a week. I hope to lose a little over 10lbs by mid March, so it looks like I will make it if I keep up on it. For those of you who haven't done WW its a point system for the things you eat, I am lucky because I love fruit and veggies (which are 0 points) but it does seem daunting to have this point obsession in the back of my mind at all times. I will say though, that once you start eliminating the things you don't need to eat, you stop missing them, and its not such a big deal as time goes on... so that part is nice at least ;)
As for the 'weights' I was referring to... I have been feeling like there are things on my shoulders that have been weighing me down and making me feel like I was suffocating. I have permission from my husband to write about this, so if you are close to us it might be hard to read at first- but stick with me ok?
When everything started to go horribly wrong, the very first thought I had was to leave my husband. It isn't anything that he did, or will ever do. What it all came down to was the guilt I immediately felt when we were put into this situation, and how much I thought it was my fault. I know logically that I couldn't control all the things we were being faced with, but emotionally I couldn't help but feel responsible. I've written about aspects of these feelings in the past, so I don't want to go in depth on those feelings again, but they were very real and continue to be when I am in my darkest times.
The guilt that I felt most of all was that this situation was always going to be tied to me. If I couldn't control what we were already faced with, there was a part of me that wanted to control what he would face in his future. I never want to be the worst thing to happen to someone, and I had this overwhelming fear that one day my amazing husband would wake up and feel that way towards me. I can honestly say that I selfishly never want to be without my husband, but if I knew with 100% certainty that he would be better off without me, I could leave. I would do anything for him, including causing myself to be sad and alone, if that meant that one day he could get the happy ending that he deserves.
I let some of this guilt go when he showed me just how much he is here for me, and in all the events leading up to and after my surgery. He proves to me on a daily basis why I am thankful for him, and how lucky I am to have him. Some days though, it makes my guilt worse. I feel like I don't deserve to have such a huge blessing in my life. When the Dr told me he saw an abnormality on my ultrasound a few weeks back I had resolved that if the news was bad at my follow up appointment, I would do whatever I needed to give my husband the life that I think he deserves. Luckily, the appointment went well- but then I was left with the residual feelings from the week leading up to it and with the encouragement of a friend, I decided to share my feelings with my husband.
I wanted to make sure I approached the subject cautiously- because even though I didn't plan to go anywhere I have never kept a secret from my husband and wanted to make sure I articulated my feelings without hurting him. We were in bed about to go to sleep and I asked him if we could talk. He put his arms around me and before I could finish explaining he said he already knew. My incredible husband, he knows what I'm thinking before I do, and he could tell what I had been feeling even before I had the guts to tell him. He wasn't mad, he understood that my thought process and actions would always be for his best interest. He also made it clear that I was not to make decisions for him in regards to our relationship. He told me how much he loves me, and if he ever comes to the point where he wants to leave he will let me know. He reassured me and all my insecurities and made me think that I could start taking steps to feel normal again. I am always grateful to my husband, but for this conversation I had a new level of appreciation and love for him. Just like that I could feel the heaviness on my chest and shoulders start to lift.
Guilt is a very heavy thing to experience- it sits on you and weighs you down like nothing else. Although I would be completely broken without my husband I was ready to be that broken person if it meant he could be happy. I know I pulled away from friends and family while I was dealing with all these emotions which is really self destructive but it's the only way I know how to work through my emotions. Luckily, I have a husband that understands this and even though he knew what was going on, he granted me the space and time I needed to work it out. To say that I fell even more in love with him during this conversation would be an understatement. Even at my lowest points, he is there to hold me up and make me whole again. For that, I will be forever grateful.
The timing of all of this is kind of poetic. We are planning a trip to the east coast for our 1st Wedding Anniversary and we are going to renew our vows with the family that couldn't be at our first wedding. It's exactly what we need at this point in our relationship. A very dear friend (one of the east coasters we are visiting) told me that it would be the perfect way to start our next chapter and I couldn't agree more. He told me to think about the vows we said to each other just one year ago, to reflect on everything we've been though and our new vows will come to us. I can't wait to get started <3
I love you baby.
As for the 'weights' I was referring to... I have been feeling like there are things on my shoulders that have been weighing me down and making me feel like I was suffocating. I have permission from my husband to write about this, so if you are close to us it might be hard to read at first- but stick with me ok?
When everything started to go horribly wrong, the very first thought I had was to leave my husband. It isn't anything that he did, or will ever do. What it all came down to was the guilt I immediately felt when we were put into this situation, and how much I thought it was my fault. I know logically that I couldn't control all the things we were being faced with, but emotionally I couldn't help but feel responsible. I've written about aspects of these feelings in the past, so I don't want to go in depth on those feelings again, but they were very real and continue to be when I am in my darkest times.
The guilt that I felt most of all was that this situation was always going to be tied to me. If I couldn't control what we were already faced with, there was a part of me that wanted to control what he would face in his future. I never want to be the worst thing to happen to someone, and I had this overwhelming fear that one day my amazing husband would wake up and feel that way towards me. I can honestly say that I selfishly never want to be without my husband, but if I knew with 100% certainty that he would be better off without me, I could leave. I would do anything for him, including causing myself to be sad and alone, if that meant that one day he could get the happy ending that he deserves.
I let some of this guilt go when he showed me just how much he is here for me, and in all the events leading up to and after my surgery. He proves to me on a daily basis why I am thankful for him, and how lucky I am to have him. Some days though, it makes my guilt worse. I feel like I don't deserve to have such a huge blessing in my life. When the Dr told me he saw an abnormality on my ultrasound a few weeks back I had resolved that if the news was bad at my follow up appointment, I would do whatever I needed to give my husband the life that I think he deserves. Luckily, the appointment went well- but then I was left with the residual feelings from the week leading up to it and with the encouragement of a friend, I decided to share my feelings with my husband.
I wanted to make sure I approached the subject cautiously- because even though I didn't plan to go anywhere I have never kept a secret from my husband and wanted to make sure I articulated my feelings without hurting him. We were in bed about to go to sleep and I asked him if we could talk. He put his arms around me and before I could finish explaining he said he already knew. My incredible husband, he knows what I'm thinking before I do, and he could tell what I had been feeling even before I had the guts to tell him. He wasn't mad, he understood that my thought process and actions would always be for his best interest. He also made it clear that I was not to make decisions for him in regards to our relationship. He told me how much he loves me, and if he ever comes to the point where he wants to leave he will let me know. He reassured me and all my insecurities and made me think that I could start taking steps to feel normal again. I am always grateful to my husband, but for this conversation I had a new level of appreciation and love for him. Just like that I could feel the heaviness on my chest and shoulders start to lift.
Guilt is a very heavy thing to experience- it sits on you and weighs you down like nothing else. Although I would be completely broken without my husband I was ready to be that broken person if it meant he could be happy. I know I pulled away from friends and family while I was dealing with all these emotions which is really self destructive but it's the only way I know how to work through my emotions. Luckily, I have a husband that understands this and even though he knew what was going on, he granted me the space and time I needed to work it out. To say that I fell even more in love with him during this conversation would be an understatement. Even at my lowest points, he is there to hold me up and make me whole again. For that, I will be forever grateful.
The timing of all of this is kind of poetic. We are planning a trip to the east coast for our 1st Wedding Anniversary and we are going to renew our vows with the family that couldn't be at our first wedding. It's exactly what we need at this point in our relationship. A very dear friend (one of the east coasters we are visiting) told me that it would be the perfect way to start our next chapter and I couldn't agree more. He told me to think about the vows we said to each other just one year ago, to reflect on everything we've been though and our new vows will come to us. I can't wait to get started <3
I love you baby.
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