I have a confession to make, I wasn't entirely truthful in my last post. There is a little more to the story than timing as to when we have our next child. I just want to say right off that bat that I am aware of how dumb it is to live with irrational fears, but that doesn't mean I can ignore them just because they're embarrassing. I'm hoping that laying them all out here will help me get over them.
It's no secret that being pregnant was not my favorite thing...at all. I know that a perfect or 'normal' pregnancy probably isn't in the cards for me. My friends and family like to try to convince me that things could be different this time, but with 2 pregnancies under my belt and neither of them a picnic, I'm not delusional enough to believe I could have a care-free pregnancy. It may sound dumb but I am very nervous about being super suck again- but this time it would be while entertaining and caring for a toddler. I barely made it each day when it was just me I had to worry about, and for some reason thinking about being sick and watching Averie by myself all day at the same time terrifies me. I guess it could all come back to the fact that I really want to give my daughter a different mother-daughter experience than I had growing up. The whole point in us working towards Operation Happily Ever After is so I can dedicate all my time to our kids. I realize that a somewhat distracted mom for 9 months probably won't make much of a blip on Averie's early childhood radar, but I am already feeling guilty over it.
I'm scared about the odds. While I've experienced the devastation of having to end a pregnancy, I can't imagine the pain of a miscarriage. For some reason this topic isn't talked about as much when women are getting educated on their bodies but a substantial amount of pregnancies end in this manner. About 25% actually. That statistic scares me for some reason... like I would be next. This is absolutely the most irrational of all my baby-making fears but when you have something rare happen to you once - (Mason's condition only happens to 7% of pregnancies... and gestational diabetes in 4%) - you kind of expect statistics to work against you. Obviously I don't expect to attempt to control this.. but I heard once if you voice your fears it takes away some of their ability to scare you.
I'm not worried about getting GD again. I conquered it the last time, and I'm educated enough that I could do it again. If and when we do decide to start trying again I am going to make sure to get back on my folic acid prescription and change my diet and exercise regimen to be GD friendly. Irrational or not- better safe than sorry.
Ok, here is the absolutely ridiculous and most selfish reason I am scared to have another baby. I don't think there's any way to write about this where I don't come off as an asshole so here it is: my daughter is amazing! I'm not bragging (ok maybe a little) but stay with me here... she is the happiest baby (even when she was colicky she smiled between cries), she is smart (we passed the milestones for her age group over a month ago), she is strong (and needs to cool it or I'm gonna have a walker on my hands before she's a year) and the cutest baby. I get compliments from everyone I know (and some I don't) on how gorgeous she is. On the reg I get some form of 'all babies are cute- but she's really cute!" (and I don't correct them or act modest- because they're right haha)
What could be bad about all of this? It's those damn statistics again- if my daughter is this amazing there is no way I'll be blessed with another happy temperament-super smart-over achiever baby twice in a row. For some reason when I talk about this people immediately think I'm saying I wont love my 2nd kid as much, or if they aren't perfect I won't care about them as much as her. THIS IS NOT WHAT I'M SAYING! What I am saying is we were uber-blessed with Averie and all her great qualities, and the biggest bonus of all: she's completely healthy. I'm scared we won't be this lucky twice (in health mostly) but also in temperament. I know we can handle anything at this point, but I think its ok and completely human to admit we don't want to be in a position to handle everything and anything.
I have a handful of friends with sick kids and I look at them in awe. I don't know where they find the strength each day to handle everything, but they do, and to me they are complete rock stars. I'm sure when you are put into a situation like that, you do everything you can to be a great parent and caregiver. Parenting on any level isn't easy- so when you throw those curve balls into the mix I can't help but be inspired by my friends every day. Averie is my miracle baby, and I am so thankful to have her... I guess what I'm saying is I don't want to push my luck. I'm not one of those people who can look at the world and know every thing's going to be ok at every twist and turn. I cry and hide and then figure out a plan. I am by no means a rock star parent... and on some level I don't want to tempt fate. Like I said before, its absolutely ridiculous and selfish to think about but there it is, out in the open. I can't be the only parent to ever think this way, but maybe I'm the only one to admit it. With everything I've dealt with regarding Mason has forced me to examine everything I do and only move forward when I'm absolutely sure I'm ready, and I guess I'm just not there yet.
Believe me, I do know it's a huge waste of time worrying about things you can't change but this is how my brain works... I worry until I'm ready to move on, or until I convince myself the gamble is worth the risk. It's actually one of my only qualities I am completely comfortable with, because I understand my process and luckily my husband seems to as well. I also have faith that God will lead me in the right direction. Hopefully now that I've laid all my cards on the cosmic table, fate will help me to overcome these silly fears so I can move on.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Over The Horizon
A year ago I was a mess.
There really is no denying, sugarcoating or avoiding the truth. I was a mess. If you had told me then, that this year on what would have been Mason's first birthday that I would be where I am now... I would have told you that you were delusional.
This year Mason's birthday snuck up on me, but I didn't have any profound reaction. I know a lot of that has a lot to do with how happy and blessed I feel on a daily basis being around Averie. My daughter has changed my life in so many ways that I can't even begin to describe them. I feel like I have grown so much as a person, and this year on June 11th I saw the proof.
On the 11th we as a family decided to turn off our phones and spend the day completely focused on our family. We went to the beach, because for some reason we associate Mason with water. It was a really special day, and it ended with me writing to him in his journal. I've only written in it once since June 11th of last year- to tell him about Averie and to ask him to watch over her. I know that he does, because sometimes Averie will look up to this one spot in her room and smile or laugh. There isn't anything else for her to look at in this spot besides the ceiling. Light doesn't reflect there, nothing is hanging near it... its just a piece of ceiling but no matter where we are in her room she'll turn to it and smile. For some reason this doesn't freak me out (like it would with anyone else- or another kid) I immediately feel happy and I just know it's him. Think I'm crazy if you want, but tell me how you would explain this picture:
Even after seeing this photo I did not become the familiar mess that I know myself to be. I had this calmness come over me all day, and I had a really wonderful day with my family. That was truly a blessing. I can't put into words how grateful I am to have days like these. Most days are good now, sometimes I will find myself missing him but what used to be weeks are now just moments. I think as time goes on I have become more and more sure of our decision, and more confident that things are the way they are for a reason. Plus, I have this beautiful miracle baby making my life worth living.
We have so much in front of us, it's hard to be sad. Let's revisit Operation Baby Farm: We really want to give Averie a sibling soon but living with my parents and the limited space we have halts that process. We don't want to start trying until 1. Averie stops breast feeding on her own 2. We get our own space 3. We are in a situation where I can stay home full time. I guess you could say Operation Baby Farm has been transformed into Operation Happily Ever After. Lets go through the above criteria and what that means.
1. Despite my overall distaste for bf'ing it really is what is best for my family so I have committed to continue until Averie quits on her own or until #'s 2 and 3 get completed and we start trying again. For those of you who aren't familiar with how bf'ing changes your body: most women don't get their periods while exclusively breast feeding. They probably ovulate but without your period it's really hard to track. When you do become pregnant hormones tend to make your milk dry up as well. So, it'll just be easier on all of us that when we decide to start trying we stop bf'ing.
2. We are open to moving somewhere where I could stay home and we could survive on my husband's salary. This is tricky in California, but we are in the process of house hunting and doing our research for a place that is safe, not too far away, and with a lower cost of living. This is hard to accomplish, so for the time being I plan to go back to work in August. We are no longer going to take over my parent's mortgage when they retire, we simply cannot afford it (even if I kept working). There is no timeline on this one, we just are hoping for sooner rather than later.
3. I love working, and I love my job but I think its fundamentally more important to me to stay home with my kids while they're too young for school. I realize this is not for everyone... and heck before Averie I never even had the notion to stay home, I always wanted to work. I can't really describe how or when the switch happened... but it literally feels like a knife through my heart to think about going back to work and being away from my daughter. Even on the days where she is really fussy and I am completely exhausted I am still so thankful for each day.
I guess that's what my experience with Mason was supposed to teach me: what a blessing every day with my children will be. Believe me, I can hear the 'ok come talk to me in 13 years' that is radiating from each and every one of my readers... but I pray every night that I maintain this zen patience that has come along with being a new mom for at least 95% of my life of parenthood, and that I'll forgive myself for the other 5%.
What we do know: we want to have our kids pretty close in age. Kev and his brother are almost 4 years apart and they are best friends. That seems lucky to me to have that far in age difference and they are still close. All my siblings have a 5+ age difference and none of us were close until adulthood. I don't want Averie and our future kids to have to wait until they're adults to appreciate and love each other.
It seems like we have so much to do, but we just have big dreams. I know things take time, and for now we are all in a good place (in mind and in body) so we are taking our time to make our dreams come true. It's all just over the horizon!
There really is no denying, sugarcoating or avoiding the truth. I was a mess. If you had told me then, that this year on what would have been Mason's first birthday that I would be where I am now... I would have told you that you were delusional.
This year Mason's birthday snuck up on me, but I didn't have any profound reaction. I know a lot of that has a lot to do with how happy and blessed I feel on a daily basis being around Averie. My daughter has changed my life in so many ways that I can't even begin to describe them. I feel like I have grown so much as a person, and this year on June 11th I saw the proof.
On the 11th we as a family decided to turn off our phones and spend the day completely focused on our family. We went to the beach, because for some reason we associate Mason with water. It was a really special day, and it ended with me writing to him in his journal. I've only written in it once since June 11th of last year- to tell him about Averie and to ask him to watch over her. I know that he does, because sometimes Averie will look up to this one spot in her room and smile or laugh. There isn't anything else for her to look at in this spot besides the ceiling. Light doesn't reflect there, nothing is hanging near it... its just a piece of ceiling but no matter where we are in her room she'll turn to it and smile. For some reason this doesn't freak me out (like it would with anyone else- or another kid) I immediately feel happy and I just know it's him. Think I'm crazy if you want, but tell me how you would explain this picture:
I give my husband a hard time because I am always taking pics of him and the baby, but he never takes any of me. He was trying to get a shot of her looking over my shoulder and then she pointed right to my tattoo. At first I thought it was a coincidence but then I started thinking about it and I believe that she knows that that's her brother. I'm usually a skeptic to this kind of stuff but I really think on some level she knows who he is. Even after seeing this photo I did not become the familiar mess that I know myself to be. I had this calmness come over me all day, and I had a really wonderful day with my family. That was truly a blessing. I can't put into words how grateful I am to have days like these. Most days are good now, sometimes I will find myself missing him but what used to be weeks are now just moments. I think as time goes on I have become more and more sure of our decision, and more confident that things are the way they are for a reason. Plus, I have this beautiful miracle baby making my life worth living.
We have so much in front of us, it's hard to be sad. Let's revisit Operation Baby Farm: We really want to give Averie a sibling soon but living with my parents and the limited space we have halts that process. We don't want to start trying until 1. Averie stops breast feeding on her own 2. We get our own space 3. We are in a situation where I can stay home full time. I guess you could say Operation Baby Farm has been transformed into Operation Happily Ever After. Lets go through the above criteria and what that means.
1. Despite my overall distaste for bf'ing it really is what is best for my family so I have committed to continue until Averie quits on her own or until #'s 2 and 3 get completed and we start trying again. For those of you who aren't familiar with how bf'ing changes your body: most women don't get their periods while exclusively breast feeding. They probably ovulate but without your period it's really hard to track. When you do become pregnant hormones tend to make your milk dry up as well. So, it'll just be easier on all of us that when we decide to start trying we stop bf'ing.
2. We are open to moving somewhere where I could stay home and we could survive on my husband's salary. This is tricky in California, but we are in the process of house hunting and doing our research for a place that is safe, not too far away, and with a lower cost of living. This is hard to accomplish, so for the time being I plan to go back to work in August. We are no longer going to take over my parent's mortgage when they retire, we simply cannot afford it (even if I kept working). There is no timeline on this one, we just are hoping for sooner rather than later.
3. I love working, and I love my job but I think its fundamentally more important to me to stay home with my kids while they're too young for school. I realize this is not for everyone... and heck before Averie I never even had the notion to stay home, I always wanted to work. I can't really describe how or when the switch happened... but it literally feels like a knife through my heart to think about going back to work and being away from my daughter. Even on the days where she is really fussy and I am completely exhausted I am still so thankful for each day.
I guess that's what my experience with Mason was supposed to teach me: what a blessing every day with my children will be. Believe me, I can hear the 'ok come talk to me in 13 years' that is radiating from each and every one of my readers... but I pray every night that I maintain this zen patience that has come along with being a new mom for at least 95% of my life of parenthood, and that I'll forgive myself for the other 5%.
What we do know: we want to have our kids pretty close in age. Kev and his brother are almost 4 years apart and they are best friends. That seems lucky to me to have that far in age difference and they are still close. All my siblings have a 5+ age difference and none of us were close until adulthood. I don't want Averie and our future kids to have to wait until they're adults to appreciate and love each other.
It seems like we have so much to do, but we just have big dreams. I know things take time, and for now we are all in a good place (in mind and in body) so we are taking our time to make our dreams come true. It's all just over the horizon!
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