To procreate or not to procreate...

If you have read the notes i sometimes post on my facebook, then you know that my opinion on expanding our family changes on a daily basis. Literally.

There are times when i watch my husband with the various children in our life, and i see the gentle and loving side of him come out, and it literally feels like my heart is melting in my chest. There is a different dynamic to my husband and i. If we were to have kids, we know that one of us would like to be able to stay home with them until they are ready for pre-school. That person would probably not be me.

I love kids, and i know that i would be over the moon for my own but i dont think i could survive every day at home. I am blown away by the many people who can, i admire them even. However, I need stimulation, i need to have adult conversations, i need to be on my own schedule. Kevin is the most patient one of us, and lets face it- he is more domestic than i am. We joke about him being a stay at home dad, but i think he secretly loves the idea. I'll admit now- i do too! I would love to be the one that goes out and makes the moolah and then comes home to enjoy my family while he takes some time to relax.

On the other hand, i was at Borders the other day reaping the benefits of their going out of business sale. I was perusing around and i went into one of my favorite sections (psychology) and there it was, a copy of the newest edition of What to Expect When You're Expecting and i started to have a mini panick attack. All these questions starting running though my head: What if i can never buy a hard copy book again? What if i can and its an arm and a leg to get? Isn't this the kind of book you need a physical copy of? How do you stick post-its with ideas and thoughts on a kindle? Wouldnt my color coding highlighting system be best for this book? And then i realized that i had started to sweat and i had to walk away from the book.

As soon as i was in the next isle i was able to calm down and start perusing again and before i knew it i had worked my way back over to that stupid book again. It felt like it was pulling me towards it, so me being the stubborn brat i can be just stood there staring at the book, trying to tell myself that i was being stupid. If i thought it was smart to buy this book (at 30% off mind you) then just buy it- why do i have to feel weird about it. I picked it up and instantly felt this calm settle over me. It was the strangest feeling, especially because i was in the middle of a busy going out of business sale and no one around me was any wiser to the mini drama i had just experienced.

When i got home and started showing Kevin all the books i got i immediatley felt like i had to justify it to him. My husband, he isnt so good at hiding his feelings so i was nervous to his reaction. To my relief, he thought it was cute and i only got an eye roll at my bit of crazy, instead of the lecture i thought i would get. It hit me then, that if this is something that we know we are going to eventually pursue, why do i have to feel strange about educating myself. Isnt that what your supposed to do if your going to take on a new challenge, or something you've never done before? Why do i feel the need to justify this to anyone- i can read about something that will one day be in our future, and its really no one else's business.

This is something i would like to work on, to let the pressures of being a newlywed melt away and just focus on how i actually feel instead of what im supposed to feel.