All or Nothing

I am one of those people that are all or nothing, there really isn't an 'in between' mode. When i was a kid there were my friends and there were people who told me they 'hated' me. I didn't really get but it kept continuing through Jr High, High School and as an adult people don't declare they hate me, but its obvious that when you meet me you either love me or hate me. I have come to realize too that most of the people i meet are not worth my time. I am told that isn't a favorable quality of mine, but i just don't understand wasting time on people that i can tell right away aren't worth it.

However, when i meet someone and love them right away i am instantly supportive, available and kind. When i care about you, i care about you with all i have. I don't put levels on my friendships, i don't weigh who means more to me and why. Other people have a problem with this- i also don't understand why. Why is it important to assign levels to your friendships? I also don't feel like friendships should be at a constant weight and measure. If I have a problem with something, i voice it. If someone has a problem with me i expect them to tell me so we can fix it. One thing i am always open to is becoming a better person and friend, so i cant stand it when people expect me to just know what they are upset about.

In the last year or so, i decided to be more honest with myself and with my feelings towards other people. I have written heart felt honest messages to 4 people and I've gotten mixed reviews. From 2 people i have grown and built on previously bad relationships into good friendships. From 2 i got an explosive crazy reaction back- basically telling me to go f*** myself. Now all 4 letters were basically the same, i am told I'm good with my words so that's what i relied on as my vessel- but yet the reactions are 50/50.

I'm not one of those people who think 'oh it must be them, not me' i try to look at myself and see how i could have been better, how i can improve and how to grow in my communication skills. Its hard too, when at 25 I'm realizing that most of the friendships and people i met when i was younger have been some of the greatest people to be in my life. In the last 2 years I've probably reconnected with 80% of these people and been so happy and grateful. I just wish that the people I've met in my adult life could measure up, because all I've been met with (for the most part- of course there were a few gems here and there) are people that have disappointed me in one way or another- and i can take A LOT more than other people can in that department. Then i come back to my theory of not wasting time, i guess its OK with me if that sounds harsh, but i don't understand why anyone would want to waste a moment of their precious life being unhappy or disappointed. All or Nothing is a great philosophy in my opinion.

The moral of the story, you CAN go home again, especially if the people that make you feel at home are willing to let you.