Lately, I've been more vocal about the hardships with my pregnancy. As i participate in forums, pregnancy apps and books i feel like I'm being frowned upon and have been downright told that I'm already a 'bad mom' and that 'i don't really feel that way'. I don't understand how either of these are possible. Here is why:
A bad mom: My baby is only a peach, and I'm doing everything in my power to be healthy. Although our little muffin is giving me the worst time right now, i am diligent in taking my multi vitamins and even adding in vitamins for the things the baby just flat out wont allow me to have. I cant tell you the last time i was able to drink milk without gagging, so instead i endure the chalky 2x a day vitamin, i also take a strong pre-natal, vitamin d, vitamin c, stool softeners (a whole other problem that I'll spare you the details) and i have now added a ginger vitamin in hopes to ease my nausea.
I take a very strong anti-nausea medicine that makes me want to sleep and my limbs feel like they are all tingly- but i do it because its the only way i can function most of the time. I am maxed out on the other type of anti-nausea dissolvable that i take 3x a day. I also have these ginger based hard candies called Peggy drops- and even with this entire regimen of anti-nausea helpers, i still can hardly keep down water. Oh, and don't get me started on the 'hormone headaches' that plague me in the middle of the night. And the peeing- oh lord is there a lot of peeing!
Its amazing how long the list of things that you are 'supposed' to do each day when you are pregnant. Eat a million different things, take all your vitamins, drink tons of water, get 8 hours of sleep (puh-lease) oh and be the glowing representation of a super mom and do it all with a freakin smile.
its not going to happen.
This brings me to the second part I'm having an issue with: people telling me that i don't really feel the way i do about being pregnant. Let me start off by saying that i LOVE my baby more than anything on this earth, i will do anything for my muffin- which i think the above clearly shows- but that doesn't mean that i have to pretend that its the most magical experience of my life right now. I'm sorry, but when a good day is only chucking 3x a day instead of 5 or more, its kinda hard to be the cheery barefoot and pregnant drone we see on TV and in society. Actually i take it back, I'm not sorry.
I keep a journal of everything i experience so one day our muffin can read it and see how we were as parents from the very beginning. I don't hold back on how I'm feeling right now, i think if our muffin is a girl she might appreciate knowing what she might be in for when its her turn. Either way, i want our muffin to know the truth- i refuse to be one of those parents that sugar coats everything and refrains from telling the truth. I don't believe that will make me a bad mom then either.
I should give some background.. i wanted this baby so badly. I prayed and hoped for it every single day and now that it has come true, i couldn't be more grateful. I guess i just don't understand why that means that i have to pretend to enjoy what i am going through, because the truth is i am more miserable than i have been in my entire life- but despite what some naysayers might think- its possible to be miserable and thankful at the same time.
Before we got pregnant i saw MANY people who don't deserve to be parents, that is just the truth. Sadly i know just as many people that would make incredible parents, but its just not in the cards for them. It doesn't seem fair, but i am not God and i do not call the shots. Before, when i saw an obviously young girl buying a pregnancy test with a freaked out expression on her face my heart would hurt for the people that i could picture being in that same situation with a completely different face on: pure joy. So now that its me and i complain about my severe symptoms, i feel even worse because i know there are people out there who would kill to be in my shoes- even if those shoes are puke green.
What I am getting at, is that even though i am hating what i am going through, I'm so very grateful for each symptom because it means everything is on track. I know that it will all be worth it in the end, i cant wait for that time when i actually get to enjoy what i am going through. But why do i have to feel like i need to lie about it right now- why cant i say what i really think- that being pregnant is not this beautiful thing, at least for right now? And why am i left being told that i am a bad mom, or that i don't feel that way, just because its not what is expected?
I could go on forever... let me end with this...
Dear Muffin,
i love you without knowing you, but you have deserved the mullet you will eventually have.
Love,
your truth telling, loud mouth, doesn't need your advise, bad mommy
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