PCO-No!

In August i was hospitalized for severe pain in my stomach. I was stuck at work, with no one in town to relieve me so i could go to the doctor. Instead i hid in the office and cried until my husband came. He convinced me to call the other sup (who had already worked that morning) and beg her to come in. I fought it for a while, thinking i could deal with it but it only got worse. I called my Dr's office and because it was on my right side they were convinced that it was my appendix. I am not a medically inclined person, but i know you don't mess around with the appendix and i had never in my life felt this kind of pain. Every breath, every step... everything hurt.

When we finally got to the hospital and after many tests and many hours they deduced that it was one of my usual cysts on my ovaries that burst, my MRI showed fluid surrounding it, and since the pain was going away as time passed they let me go home with a recommendation to see a specialist for a diagnosis.
Are you ready for this? Can i have a drum roll please???? I do NOT have PCOS! Do i have Poly cystic Ovaries? Yes, but strangely no Syndrome. What is the difference? I have no freaking clue, I'm just going by what my Dr told me. I shopped around before I picked him, and he is supposed to be one of the best fertility doctors in California. At the time i wasn't sure if i needed the 'best in the biz' but i wanted to make sure i went to someone who could answer my questions, ALL of them, and since I am a chronic worrier i had a lot of them....

He addressed my concerns about how my ovulation schedule is not reoccurring. He told me that i probably missed it the last few months, now this i had a hard time believing because i am a by the book girl. I like rules, i go by the rules, and i followed the instructions exactly.... no ovulating (until last month that is.) However, he was very adamant that i can still ovulate... "How are you so sure?" i demanded. Keep in mind i was in the usual position for this kind of visit and in a full on hospital gown- not the most assertive outfit or situation- but when has that ever stopped me?

"Well," he said "because your going to ovulate on -insert very specific and upcoming dates here- and if you try i can almost guarantee you get pregnant," and then he looked over and smiled at my mom like it was no big deal. Of course my mom joked about quarantining off a room for us. I couldn't believe it, not just because he was super blunt but FAMILY COVER YOUR EYES my husband and i have lots of alone time and while we haven't been actively 'trying' we haven't been actively 'preventing' either. So if i was ovulating regularly then why haven't i turned up knocked up yet?

Then while he was doing an ultrasound he did that annoying Dr noise that immediately tells you something is up, but he wasn't giving it away yet. I waited patiently (about 30 seconds) and then demanded- again- that he tell me what was going on. He finally told me that my right ovary was attached to my uterus. (Which explained why it hurt so bad the last time a cyst burst- but doesn't explain why the hospital didn't see it in the many different forms of ultrasounds they gave me). A million questions came rushing into my head. What does that mean, do i need surgery, is this going to complicate things for us in the future? He didn't seem worried, which only made me more worried... he told me that it could easily become detached... if i soon became pregnant. I would eventually need surgery if they didn't separate on their own, but the fastest way would be to enlarge the uterus. Here i was with a problem, and some very specific dates (and even times of the day) to fix it without surgery.

I'm sure you're wondering what we decided to do... did we try or did we book my surgery? Well, i guess the only thing to say is the truth: People make plans, and God laughs.

Confessions of an Ovulator

I have a confession to make, and to most of you it wont be such a huge surprise. I completely and fully want to have children with the love of my life that is my husband. For those who know me, this next part wont be a surprise either: things i do need to be my idea. The more people tell me that we should start having kids i felt the need to defend our situation. The hard part of that situation, the part i don't talk about is that our situation hasn't been by choice up to this point.

I still haven't been diagnosed with PCOS- i have all the symptoms, and even though i reflect some signs of chronic ovarian cysts and hormone imbalance i am pretty confident that i have PCOS but i have to wait until the same day i get my wisdom teeth removed to find out (it was the only appointment he had- I'm not really into that kind of torture on a normal basis)

You may be wondering why i haven't made advances in getting diagnosed and the short answer is: i haven't ovulated in months. It could even have been longer than that but i have only been tracking it the last few months. I ovulated for the first time last month- and it was very hard for me not to act on it right then and there. I got so excited and even though it was against the plan Kevin and i have talked about, i felt like my heart was breaking when those 36hours passed. I just couldn't stop thinking- "what if i don't ovulate again?" I had been waiting so long to even find out if i could and i was letting it pass me by, and the Aries in me is not so good at waiting.

The other part that is frustrating is that everyone thinks they get to weigh in on this subject. This our OUR life, and OUR decision, and OUR relationship. I appreciate that people care about us, but telling us to wait (we've been together going on 7 years and we've known each other since we were 5-- i think we know who the other one is!) it makes me want to defend our 'decision' which sucked because it wasn't really want i wanted- but i wasn't about to tell anyone that when they were in the middle of telling me how to live my life. Then, when people tell us to hurry up i feel like i have to defend that too- i understand that i am a walking contradiction, i wish i could make sense of me too!

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that i ovulated, and i think that is something worth celebrating. The fact that we now have a possibility (even if it was just last month- but keep your fingers crossed!) gave me all new perspective and the courage to talk about this struggle I've been dealing with all on my own. Its really scary, feeling like your life isn't in your own hands and obviously i wasn't up to talking about it in the past- but if there is anyone out there who has gone through this i would really like to know there is hope out there...