My horoscope today helped me to solidify the thoughts I've been having and helped me to figure out how to put them into words... Normally I don't put too much into horoscopes but I think they're fun and check mine now and then... today's gave me goosebumps how close it was to my life. Let me share:
"By proceeding stepwise, you can preserve the connection of the new (the future) with the old (the past) and allow one to gracefully transform into the other. You will find surprisingly little resistance using this approach, and expected roadblocks will likely fade away."
I've been struggling with the fact that my pregnancy is coming into uncharted territory. What I mean by that is up to this point (today actually) I have had something to compare this pregnancy to- my last one and there have been sad parts of that, but there was a comforting part too knowing what to expect and knowing what was coming.
Today is the exact point in my pregnancy where we had to say goodbye to Mason. 18 weeks and 2 days is all I got with him. I am of course thankful for each day with him and with this baby but I am full of emotions today. There were points in my day where I didn't think I could make it the rest of the day, where I had to hide my tears from those around me. Then there were points of the day that I was so happy and happy to be talking about Averie.
I realized last night what today would mark and my husband and I had a long talk about it. I worry that one day Averie will realize the timing between her and Mason's due date and feel like she shouldn't be here. Obviously I will do everything in my power to make sure this never happens but I just worry over these things sometimes. My husband is so optimistic and thinks my worries wont ever become a reality. We definitely want Averie to know that Mason is a part of her story but we don't want him to be this looming presence over her. I know he is right and my fears are because I have nothing else to worry about right now... one day I'll be worry free.... right?
I'm hoping the fact that there are no longer things for me to compare these pregnancies will help me to move on a little more and maybe I'll be able to allow myself to actually enjoy this pregnancy. I thought after last week when we were cleared from high risk that this week would be different, that I would be able to enjoy myself a little more but it just hasn't happened yet. I think I may be holding onto Mason more than I should or that I just cant turn my worrying brain off like I had hoped. I'm not really sure what the answer is but I feel like moving past 18.2 physically will help me move past it mentally too. That also makes me a little sad, I liked having what I felt like was a piece of him with me while I've gotten to this point. There is a part of me that doesn't want to move on in a sense... but I know its necessary in the healing process. So its a sad feeling knowing tomorrow I will wake up a day further away from him but a great feeling knowing I'll wake up a day closer to her....
My horoscope gave me hope that knowing that these 2 feelings can merge together and help me move forward, I just hope it's right: that the roadblocks I see ahead will actually fade away.
My brother died before I was born, and my parents waited 3 years before having me so I know what you mean by "looming presence." If anything it instilled a fear of death by ten fold.
ReplyDeleteI think Averie has already shown you a big lesson: we can't plan for everything in our timing, but we can be prepared. You and Kev has so much love already for her, and that's the best thing that a baby shower registry can't provide.
I hope your faith in God's plan increases each day as you get closer to your due date. Averie has been wanted even before Mason, and she'll know that by the love you and Kev shower on her. I know there's nothing I can say to help alleviate your anxiety b/c it's completely warranted. I hope it does ease up and transfer into joy as you feel her grown in your belly :)