The Unexpected

Forgive me as I try to make sense of the massive crying fit that just came over me.

I've gotten pretty good at masking my feelings while I'm in the outside world, but the last few days when I get home I just want to cry. I'm not sure why so I haven't let myself. I don't have anything to cry about, my life is going smoothly... hiccups and all... so you would think this Thanksgiving would be something to look forward to.

I've never really been a fan of Thanksgiving... loud families and food I don't really care for... but for some reason I've been dreading this one like no other. I figured it was just anxiety over the upcoming family get together. I haven't been at a gathering like this since before Mason and for some reason I was having a hard time wrapping my head around getting myself excited to go. It strangely has nothing to do with my husband's family... there is just a lot of them and it can be overwhelming sometimes, which is usually easier when I can drink haha... I would feel the same way if we were going to be surrounded by my family. When I tried to explain how I was feeling to my husband, he didn't really get it. I don't blame him, even I don't really understand how I'm feeling.

I'm not sure if it was a mix of having just watched the recent episode of Parenthood (seriously- that show makes me cry every time), my pregnancy emotions on overdrive and the general disdain I have for Thanksgiving but I've been in this funk. I've also been missing Mason more than normal, but I didn't think much of it, because I miss him all the time. Sometimes more than others... normal for me.

I was sitting here trying to pay some bills, finish some articles, maybe sneak some Sims playing in... with the TV on in the back ground. Then I hear these 2 words that have been the worst 2 words I've ever known... spina bifida. I don't even know the story line on the show but I heard those words and something clicked... something horribly sad that I couldn't control. I realized what has been bothering me, the fact that my husband and his family are so excited to show off my belly and I guess subconsciously part of me knew I should have been showing off my son this Thanksgiving.

I know I can't control these things, and maybe someone out there is tired of hearing it... this sad game I keep playing within myself. I can't always let things like this get to me, it comes with the decision we made, and I'm not dumb to that. But sometimes, especially around the holidays since that's when everything started to change in Mason's world I can't control it and I just need to hide in my room and have a good cry. I just wish that crying everything out could somehow drain the sadness out of me too. Like I could purge it out somehow, but it's always there. Times like today when I allow myself to really let it out, say whats in my heart out loud it hurts, but it also feels good to not keep it all inside. But after that I feel guilt for letting those moments happen instead of focusing all my energy on Averie. I know that probably sounds dumb, but I don't ever want her to know my sadness for Mason because I'm so excited and in love with her... or that any of her moments weren't always hers.  I'm not sure how to balance the two...

I know tomorrow I'll feel better without having to do anything, I'll be back to my balanced life and get caught up in visiting with family and food... but today I finally figured out what has been bothering me and i allowed myself to have these moments. It felt good to give myself that, despite how unexpected it was. I just have to work on the guilt that follows it. But, I've got time, and for that I can be thankful.