Full Circle

We have officially come full circle in our baby journey. At this point last time I had just taken my 2nd trimester genetic screening tests and a few days later I got a phone call saying we tested high for neural tube defects. Then I spent a week waiting for my appointment that would change our lives forever.

A few days ago I took the tests for the 2nd trimester screening again. This time is a little different... I didn't get a call a few days later revealing anything, but I still have to wait a week to go in for our level 2 ultrasound. At this point last time i was doing everything BUT writing or talking about it, and I figured this time I should try to do things differently. This ultrasound is really important... normally women get to go in at 20 weeks to find out the sex of their baby... this ultrasound is a level 2 for post test results, my "20 week" (that's in quotes because I'll only be 17 weeks at that point) and my pre-transfer check up.

Lets go through each one and why they are significant....
1. Level 2 and results... this is the part I'm having the hardest time dealing with. I can't help but feel like I did last time... like I am stuck waiting to see which way my life will go. Something is different this time though.. with Mason i saw all of it. I saw the future where I had to explain to people what was going on and what was going to happen. I could see us telling my parents, I could see myself stuck in bed with depression. I saw it all... this time I don't see anything. I'm not sure how to take it.... I'm not sure if its my brain trying to help me with self-preservation or if the small part of me that believes that unexplained things can happen and I can't see anything because there isn't anything to see.

It's so hard to let myself get excited, it has been the whole time. I get moments where I feel completely lucky and blessed and let myself go... but there are more moments where I feel like I can't get excited until I know everything's ok. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to, and there is a love that I can't even begin to describe... but I have a hard time making any plans for the future because I feel like I just can't yet.

2. 20 week ultrasound at 17 weeks. I am hoping more than anything that we will be able to see the sex of the baby. I don't know why but I feel like even if there is something wrong, i just NEED to know if there is an Averie or a Logan in my belly. It's just this overwhelming need that I must know. I don't know why... and it should probably be analyzed by a professional at some point lol but it's just very important to me to know. I am a little nervous because we are doing this appointment 3 weeks early (at the dr's insistence) that the baby won't be in a position where we will be able to tell. All things considered... I guess I would find a way to be ok with it.

3. Transferring hospitals. My insurance is in a contract dispute with the hospital I had originally planned to deliver at. Which also means I need to transfer doctors offices because my current one only delivers at the now off-limits hospital. I am nervous that this new location won't know me like my current one does. The only good thing is that it's the same group of doctors so I don't have to do any additional work- all my files and my entire history stays in the same database. I've gotten better about talking about what we have been through, but I know that first appointment will be difficult.

I know i have to face all of these things, and I know that I can. See, the one thing I know about myself now is that I can do anything. I can get through anything, especially with my husband by my side but even knowing these things... it's so hard not to be scared. I want to be brave for this baby, and I want to have positive thoughts and energy and prayers out there but there are moments... like right now... that I don't want to be brave. I want to just be scared and stay in bed and allow myself to go through these feelings, because I know what happens when you don't. I never want to hide in my fear again, and this blog... my friends... my family... my husband... they make going through this, and living outside my fears possible. So maybe my circle is actually broken because I feel like things could be different this time... but for now, we wait.

7 days.