Originally I was working on a post to make you laugh about all the things I crave but cant eat. I thought i would be a nice change to write something silly, because for once things were going well and I didn't have much to write about. In a funny and pathetic way, the universe provided me something yesterday, so my funny Food Woes post is now a thing of the past because I need to figure out what snapped inside me yesterday to cause the full on melt down I experienced.
Before I write everything I should probably say a couple of disclaimers: 1. things could always be worse 2. while my problem may not seem like much compared to my past problems, I still feel like I got hit in the gut 3. life doesn't always go to plan blah blah blah!
I had to re-do my blood glucose test yesterday. I went into it pretty confident because I haven't had any symptoms of being diabetic and in general I eat pretty healthy. I was literally shocked when I received my test results and the numbers were crazy high. I tried not to panic knowing that my Dr would be calling me soon. Luckily I have very well versed friends and family on facebook who were able to give me a hint of what I could be expecting.
When the Dr finally called she explained that with my scores as high as they were they were going to move forward with the diagnosis of gestational diabetes and I had to attend a class next week explaining all the changes I was going to have to make. No problem... then she dropped the big one: her prediction based on my numbers was that I should start preparing myself to the reality that I will probably have to have a C-Section. Devastation.
To some people this may not be the worst news in the world, but to me it was earth shattering. Even with Mason I had planned on a natural birth and when we lost him I felt this huge loss of that experience. When we got pregnant with Averie I was so excited that I got another chance to experience a natural birth. I've been researching and planning and preparing myself to go through this, and I've been extremely excited about it. To hear that there was a 90% chance of that being taken away again I guess I just couldn't handle it.
The best I can describe is that I snapped inside. I called my husband and he could barely understand me as a crying mess. I literally cried for hours, I couldn't seem to pull myself together. I had multiple commitments last night that I just couldn't even fathom going to. I realize today (after some sleep) that I could have been told much worse but last night- which seems like a lifetime ago for some reason- I was inconsolable for about 5 hours.
I guess in a way I have hit my max on hearing about how my pregnancy is different. I felt like I keep getting robbed of what everyone gets to experience during their pregnancies. I just so so so so so badly want to experience a shred of normalcy while being pregnant. I know that's unrealistic in our situation blah blah blah... sue me. Everyone has a breaking point, and yesterday was mine. I'll do the diet, I'll do the exercise... I'll do anything to keep my birth plan. That may sound silly to some, but getting the chance to experience a natural birth... I just can't handle that being taken away from me.
I cant help feeling like around every corner there is another way that I get jipped on this experience, and it makes my dream of having a big family become smaller and smaller. I'm not sure I can go through all this again. Right now anyway, it feels impossible. I'm sure that will change, and I hope it does... but for now I think Averie is it for me. There is only so much you can take when you are told all these different things you can and can't do- and I actually follow them- and still have shitty outcomes.
I guess there wasn't much to figure out here... I'm just emotionally exhausted and while I feel like a baby, I know its important to own my emotions... no matter how embarrassing they are the next day.
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