I don't think it's any secret that I am a passionate person with my own voice... and that I typically have no problem expressing it. The same goes when I am making decisions regarding my life... this is also not a secret.
I have issues with control, a lot of my life has been out of my control so I cling onto the things that I can navigate to my own standards. Unfortunately, this doesn't always make me the best listener when i am being given advise. I tend to think the research I do vs what other's tell me is correct, despite how many times they try to shove it down my throat. I recognize that this is always done with the best of intentions on both parts: the other party is only trying to help, and I only want what is best for me. At some point these 2 things need to meet in the middle, but I have yet to accomplish this on a regular basis.
The most recent example of my push and pull relationship is my unintentional rebellion following my Dr appointment a few weeks ago. I went in for a regular pregnancy checkup looking for answers for a strange pain I was having in my pack that would surge up my back and down my leg at random times. She told me it was my sciatic nerve acting up, and gave me some at-home tricks to help alleviate the pain. The other things she told me- very firmly- was not to be on my feet unnecessarily. She also told me not to sit for long periods of time. My job is actually perfect for this because I stand and sit regularly so typically I don't have to worry. She also told me to eliminate any extra curricular activities that would cause my sciatic to act up. So, despite me not wanting to listen to her advise I did... mostly.
I stepped away from the play I was doing because it was hours at a time sitting... I stopped all the exercise classes that she advised. What I didn't do was cut back at work because we couldn't afford to. I also continued my plans to redecorate the room that would be Averie's, and put all my extra energy into planning the baby shower. Unfortunately, one of these things has now gone beyond my control.
At work I always knew it was a possibility that I would be asked to return to part time. I was only covering for someone on leave in full time status and was just hoping to fly under the radar until I went on leave at full time. Part of me is ok with stepping down because I knew it would make my Dr and my husband happy to have me off my feet more often. My pocket book however, and some of my pride is not ok with this. I guess I had just hoped it could be more of my idea than a change in circumstance. I didn't mind letting go of the extra stuff in my life, but work has always been a huge deal to me and I didn't want to feel like less of a worker, or that I couldn't keep up. I'm struggling a little with what to do next.
My husband was able to go back to full time at work since he is almost done with school, so financially we are kind of just swapping places. He's happy that I'll be able to be at home more and focus on the baby's room and my health but I am already going crazy thinking about sitting at home, at it won't even happen until next month. I've already put in an application for a part time job hoping they can overlook the fact that I'm 6 months pregnant. It's not even about the money at this point, its the fact that I have no idea how to sit still. Even as I write this I am flashing back to when I was supposed to be on bed rest with Mason for over a month and I spent the entire time technically on my couch... but I was a busy body making everyone Christmas ornaments from scratch, making presents, and anything else I could do while still being able to report back to my Dr with a clear conscience that I wasn't on my feet. I don't know how to turn off... which has served me well in my working career but only made things worse in my personal life.
The other thing I am having a hard time listening to is not being able to work out. I am a very active person, I have always been that way and being restricted to only walking just won't cut it for me. My Dr is somewhat concerned that I have only gained 4lbs this entire pregnancy and I am only a week away from being into my 3rd trimester when most women have already gained 10-15lbs. There is the fact that i started off heavy (for my height) so I don't worry too much about the fact that I haven't gained much weight. However, I'm not where my Dr would like to see me and I'm miserable trying to find a common ground where I am listening to her and making myself happy.
It's like I have two minds working against each other as I go through each of these things. On one hand I'm not exercising the way I used to- I don't go to classes but I'm doing at home exercises that make me feel like I'm at least doing something. I quit all my extra curriculars... but I literally just spent my day off reorganizing our room, moving furniture and redecorating our bathroom. My other days off have been similar as far as activity goes. I agreed to step down at work, only to apply for another part time job. As I see all of this in writing I feel ridiculous, but I know tomorrow won't be any different. How do I learn to let go and follow directions? Is it possible to surrender yourself over to something and actually be happy about it? Right now I'm very doubtful that I'll ever learn this concept of finding a middle ground that won't drive me crazy. Someone please tell me I'm not the only crazy out there with control issues, and that there are ways to happily find the perfect compromise with what I should do vs what I want to do!
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