Not Afraid

If I hear one more person tell me how surprised they are that I can keep up with physical activity I'm going to slap them.

I realize that I am not as small and skinny as I once was, but in my opinion I am healthier than when I was super skinny. I eat healthy, I exercise at a MINIMUM of 3 times a week- in fact sometimes I exercise every day of the week and I feel great (despite pesky pregnancy symptoms). When I was super skinny I had horrible eating and sleeping habits and was skinnier more from stress than anything.

So, when I am at a zumba class, or I go for a run, or do my workout videos or I am able to keep up on a simple walk I can't help but get annoyed when those things that are regular for me, and easy for me and met with awe and surprise that I was able to do them. I'm young, I'm healthy and yes, I'm pregnant and guess what... I can still do the things I've been doing for months and months and frankly I find the shock from others a little insulting. I am a short girl so my extra pounds are a little more evident but I wouldn't consider myself 'fat'. I don't have rolls, I hardly have cellulite, I don't run out of breath easily, I actually think I look fit- it just may be a larger version that the magazines or society show you... but I think I do well with what I have, and I do my best to take care of it.

I do understand that others have concerns when I work out the way I do while I'm pregnant but don't you think that after everything I've been through I've done my research and I know what is ok? Don't you think I would have made sure to have this conversation with my doctor before going at it? Despite my appearance, I am in better shape than most people I encounter.

I seem to remember a similar post in my last pregnancy when I was irritated with the amount of stuff that gets shoved onto you when your pregnant but then I wasn't healthy, and i didn't do all the research that I do now. I find it insulting and irritating the amount of times people try to tell me what I can and can't do. I think I know better than anyone else what I am capable of, and here is news for you: I'm not going to go through this pregnancy afraid of what I can and can't do. I've taken all the precautions and ya know what, I still didn't get my happy ending.

I'm not sure when, but somewhere along this journey I've stopped being afraid. I guess a part of me subconsciously decided that I didn't need to feel scared the whole time and it's allowed me to actually enjoy my pregnancy. Granted, I'm only 9.5 weeks along but so far its been an entirely different 9.5 weeks than with Mason, and I am embracing those differences instead of being terrified of them.

Right after we lost Mason, I made predictions that I wouldn't be able to breathe or concentrate if I ever got pregnant again, and I'm here to tell you I was wrong. (Someone write this date in the calendar because that doesn't happen very often- just don't tell my husband.) I'm happy, and I'm confident in my decisions so far, I just feel different. I'm not sure I can explain it... but I guess I feel like I have gone through so much and if all of that was just to live my life scared of everything... well something would be wrong with that. I think everything happened with Mason to wake me up. I lived so much of my life scared even before he came into my life... and he changed me, at first I thought for the worse... but really it was for the better. I went through all that so I could help other people when they go through it, I went through all that so that I could grow, I went through all that so in this pregnancy I wouldn't be afraid.

I guess that's why I get so defensive when people tell me what I can and can't do... because they have no idea what I'm capable of... heck even I didn't know. I just know that I'm living each day as it comes and I'm no longer afraid for the day that it all hits me... because IF that day even comes I know I can handle it, I feel like I can do anything because Mason helps me every single day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my son, but I'm not always sad like before. In the short time he was in my life he gave me so much to be thankful for, and so much strength that was inside me that I never even knew I had, and he helps me every day as I go through this pregnancy to be extremely thankful for the baby that's growing inside me.

I know I've said it before, but I know he is watching over us, protecting our little family and I can't wait to share the journal I kept for Mason with this little brother or sister and I think I'm finally ready to start a new journal for this baby. Although this pregnancy was a surprise I want our baby to know how happy we are and how wanted they are... and how we weren't afraid.