Making Moves

There has been lots of construction going on at our place... this is one of the reasons we moved in with my parents, to help them with this process. That also means lots of shuffling things around to accommodate mess as the mess moves. A few days ago I was cleaning our room trying to maximize space and came across the journal I purchased for this baby right after I found out I was pregnant and realized that I still haven't written in it. I'm not really sure what it was that I was waiting for... I think maybe to make sure all the tests came back normal. There are still days when I don't feel pregnant at all and I forget that I am (I know that sounds bizarre) but this pregnancy is SO different that the way I'm feeling isn't forced on me at all times... hopefully that makes sense.

I started to think about the box full of Mason's things that was sitting in the garage in a stupid Home Depot box and it just didn't sit well with me. I went out and got a box that I could keep inside that would blend in with our decor and I could get to it easily if I ever wanted. I took out the journal for Mason and realized that the last time I wrote to him was in January. It kind of took me by surprise because I find myself having little conversations with him (no i don't hear voices- you can keep the straitjacket at bay for now) and I feel connected to him every day that it didn't even occur to me to write in his journal.

I've been staring at both of these journals knowing I should write in them and I just kept putting it off. Nothing against my husband but I always wrote in Mason's when I was alone and lately we have had most nights together so the time just wasn't right. I knew today that he had to work late and thought it would be a good idea for me to try. So, I sat and stared at both of them for a while... not really knowing where to start. I worry that this baby will feel like the only reason it's here is because Mason isn't and that kills me. I want this baby to know how much we want it and love it and are so happy that it came to us- no matter how unexpected- and what a blessing he or she is.

Finally, I put on my big girl panties and started writing. I thanked Mason for watching over all of us and for him helping me learn and grow into the person I want to be for my children. I thanked him for everything he has taught me so far, and for the feeling I get sometimes when I know everything is going to be ok. I told him to watch over his brother or sister and I promised him that they would know who he was and how he is a part of their story.

Then I started my first entry in the new journal. I started off telling the baby how loved it is and how excited everyone we know is. I also apologized for taking so long to write to them... that it was hard to figure out where to begin. I wrote about me and my husband and our story (the easy part) and then I started on the harder part- of explaining everything about Mason and that one day he or she could read Mason's journal if they wanted, but that was up to them. That Mason's story doesn't have to be all of theirs, but understanding that he is a piece of it. Since I made a point in Mason's journal to talk about how he was planned I wanted to let this baby know that while they arrived a little ahead of plan, it wasn't a mistake- i wanted them to know that they were the best surprise we could have ever asked for.

Then I started to move Mason's things from the stupid Home Depot box into his box. It was easier than I thought it would be, probably because it felt right. Of course there were some tears shed, but more from me not wanting to put the journal in the box yet. I just stood there and held it and allowed those few moments to feel whatever it was that I was feeling and to let out the tears I had been holding in while I was writing. When I was done I felt lucky to have these physical things that I could touch and see whenever I wanted. I know that for some, this isn't a luxury they have and I felt very grateful in that moment for these items... and I decided to share them, because sharing our story has helped me heal and if I can help someone else out there in the process, that's the best thing that can come out of my experiences.

 

There are only a few things in here. We made an effort to only put the things that were specifically give to us or bought for Mason. We have:

 -A Dr outfit and sneakers we were going to bring him home from the hospital in

-A burp cloth and matching beanie covered in duckies (we were going to go for an animal theme)

-A cream colored hand made blanket my sister in law (to show support of us not wanting to find out the sex initially)

-Mason's journal, of course

-The giraffe I slept with that my mom got me after we lost Mason... I just feel like it should be with him.



And this is where it will reside while we live in this house. One day when we have a house of our own we will keep it somewhere like the living room where we can easily get to it... I just never want it to be stored in a closet or something. Right next to it is the new baby's journal... I know it sounds corny but I just wanted them to be near each other. Right now I can see it in from my bed and right when I walk into the room and after having it there for just a few hours I already feel better. I feel better knowing it's there and that I can get to it easily, and it also feels like some weight has been lifted after writing in both journals.

I feel proud to have gotten through something that I thought would be hard, that ended up making me feel better than when I started.