In this post, I may need to break my no-sad-talk rule. I don't want to pretend that things haven't been getting better for us since January. Yes, we had a very tough start to this year, but in the last few weeks things have been looking up. I am all moved into my parents house- although the fact that I just turned 26 and my husband and i are moving BACK into either parents house is a little sad to us- it has been an easy transition for me. I am absolutely loving my new job, and hoping that this feeling will last! I have also been keeping up on my diet- I have constantly been losing 1-2 lbs a week and I won't lie- it feels great when people notice and give me a compliment. The newest accomplishment in Operation Baby Farm is that I was casted in a musical this weekend.
It was my first audition in 4 years and I was pretty nervous (to say the least). You see, when you are interested and multi-talented (not tooting my own horn here- stay with me) it's hard to be exceptional at any one of these tasks. I firmly believe that because I have so many interests and pursue them all- I am not actually good at any of them. I guess I will always live in amateur-land but I am ok with that, at least I don't get bored right? All of these things are helping OBF progress- I am sticking to my new rule of doing things for myself and it feels great... So I guess it comes as a surprise to me when I have moments like today where my sadness comes out of the blue and completely takes over.... Let me explain...
I love Instagram! I am completely obsessed with it and they have this cool "Photo a day" thing where they list out the entire month and give you a subject to shoot and post each day. Today's theme was "Something that makes you sad" and my original thought was to post an old picture of my husband and I and to write a little something about how I miss living away from him. Then I came across the photos in my phone that I took while I was pregnant.
My belly photos... and this overwhelming emotion washed over me. Thank GOD i was in my car on my lunch break or I don't know what I would have done. I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing, and i had this horrible gut-wrenching pain in my stomach that just wouldn't ease up. I decided to post this photo as my Day 30 item instead. I just couldn't deny feelings like that, and everyone keeps telling me not to hide them so I decided to make it public. Really, I had a few seconds where I hoped posting it would make me hold my feelings accountable- ya know, force myself to deal with them so I could move on but they stayed with me the rest of the day.
I assume it started yesterday when it came time to head back home after visiting my husband. I had a melt down sitting in my car... my husband did his best to make me feel better but I just felt this emptiness that I knew would only grow as I put more and more distance between my husband and I on the drive home. If I didn't have to work today and I didn't just get this job, I probably wouldn't have left. I have a harder time than my husband seeing how right now helps the future (its super annoying BTW) and I just didn't want to leave. Eventually he calmed me down enough that I could drive home but as soon as I arrived i climbed into bed and cried myself to sleep. I figured it was just the hormones I'm taking and didn't think twice about it until I had a similar melt down today.
I was texting my husband tonight to try and figure out why I am feeling this way. I guess I thought that when things started getting better in our lives, it would become easier to be happier. There are days when I don't feel sad at all, I feel confident in the choices I made. Then, there are days like today when I truly have no control over what is going through me and I rethink all the decisions we've made. I convince myself that we were somehow selfish... that we should have talked to more doctors, or tried anything else to try to save our son. I know that logically it is unfair to put that stuff on myself, because when I am thinking clearly I know that we made the right decisions for our son. But sometimes... like today when I realized I should be 33 weeks... it's really hard to be rational.
Sometimes, all I can think about is my smaller tummy, and I convince myself I should be ashamed at taking pride in the way my body is changing- because its changing in reverse from the way it should be. I feel guilty when I have a beer, or a glass of wine... and the fact that I am making plans for a different future that only changed 4 months ago. I guess i feel like I am letting someone down... who I'm not sure... but I feel guilty when i feel good.
Everyone keeps telling me to take the time I need- but I can't explain how frustrating it is to want to be happy so badly and then feeling ashamed of that almost right away. I am tried of being sad, I am tried of these stupid emotional outbursts that are out of my control, and I am really tired of the guilt I put on myself... so why isn't it getting any easier as time passes like everyone says? Why does it still feel like it was just yesterday when our whole lives changed? Good things are happening, so why can't I enjoy them? Logically, I want to make Mason proud of me and I want him to know he has helped changed me but I can't help feeling like maybe he is disappointed in me... It's hard to describe... I guess I thought blogging would help me articulate all the things going on inside my head right now but I feel like I'm starting to go in circles. It's hard to believe that all this started with a silly Instagram thing... but I know I'm feeling it for a reason, I just need to figure out why and what to do with it.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
A Fish Out of Water No More
WOW! I just want to say thank you to everyone who has been with me on my journey since I started this blog last year. When it first started I was averaging about 10 page views every time I posted. Since January I have been averaging about 50 page views a day and I just noticed that the blog got over 5,000 hits just this month. That's pretty incredible!!! I am sad about the subject matter that is the cause of the initial attention, but I wanted to thank everyone who has stuck with me, and has continued to come back even after I declared this a sad free zone. It really makes me feel like my voice is worth something when I see numbers like that, so thank you thank you thank you!!!!
Now on to my post of the day...
I started my new job today! It was pretty intimidating at first, a new industry, the new lingo, the new... everything. After about an hour, I already started to feel like a part of the group. These people that I will be working with are genuinely nice people, and were exceptionally kind to me all day- even when I did something totally humiliating. I won't post specifics (because really I'm not sure if I'm allowed to haha) but it was big- and dumb- and apparently made me a part of the team officially.
When I worked for Home Depot I really only felt close and 'accepted' because I was in a leadership position. My husband, my boss and a hand full of people were really the only people I felt comfortable around. People I didn't feel like I needed to prove myself with. When I went to Cost Plus I missed that for a long time...There was always a huge gap in between the workers and the management team. Which to be honest, is fine with me. You can't be someones manager and truly their friend- because one will always have to come first at some point. That saying "It's lonely at the top" is true.
Then I got transferred to another store where the other supervisor working along with me and another worker reached out to me and I am so glad they did. They were the only people in that building that didn't make me feel like I was this extra person that just got in their way. Even through hard times, they proved to me over and over again that they could be reliable co-workers AND great friends. I am so thankful to have met them, because for once I knew that our friendship would last- something I honestly can't say for most people I meet.
My experience at this new job was completely different from my past experiences but all in the right ways. I have never in my life walked into a building and felt accepted with open arms. I know it probably helps that I am not coming in off the street as anyone's boss. I am a people watcher, and usually I can spot "that guy/girl" that everyone is avoiding, and my first impressions of people are always scary accurate. I see things before other people do (something that was annoying in high school, but now can be entertaining to watch while the other person figures it out) and I am just so thankful and excited about the people I encountered today. I've never felt this good after a first day (despite my big oops) and I hope this feeling lasts because although I miss my husband like crazy, I am so happy with the way things are going right now!
Now on to my post of the day...
I started my new job today! It was pretty intimidating at first, a new industry, the new lingo, the new... everything. After about an hour, I already started to feel like a part of the group. These people that I will be working with are genuinely nice people, and were exceptionally kind to me all day- even when I did something totally humiliating. I won't post specifics (because really I'm not sure if I'm allowed to haha) but it was big- and dumb- and apparently made me a part of the team officially.
When I worked for Home Depot I really only felt close and 'accepted' because I was in a leadership position. My husband, my boss and a hand full of people were really the only people I felt comfortable around. People I didn't feel like I needed to prove myself with. When I went to Cost Plus I missed that for a long time...There was always a huge gap in between the workers and the management team. Which to be honest, is fine with me. You can't be someones manager and truly their friend- because one will always have to come first at some point. That saying "It's lonely at the top" is true.
Then I got transferred to another store where the other supervisor working along with me and another worker reached out to me and I am so glad they did. They were the only people in that building that didn't make me feel like I was this extra person that just got in their way. Even through hard times, they proved to me over and over again that they could be reliable co-workers AND great friends. I am so thankful to have met them, because for once I knew that our friendship would last- something I honestly can't say for most people I meet.
My experience at this new job was completely different from my past experiences but all in the right ways. I have never in my life walked into a building and felt accepted with open arms. I know it probably helps that I am not coming in off the street as anyone's boss. I am a people watcher, and usually I can spot "that guy/girl" that everyone is avoiding, and my first impressions of people are always scary accurate. I see things before other people do (something that was annoying in high school, but now can be entertaining to watch while the other person figures it out) and I am just so thankful and excited about the people I encountered today. I've never felt this good after a first day (despite my big oops) and I hope this feeling lasts because although I miss my husband like crazy, I am so happy with the way things are going right now!
My Young House Love Moment
Tonight is my first night away from my husband. It marks the start of what is sure to be a very long 5 weeks. One of the things that I put into motion to make my time here easier was a room makeover. Granted, we are going to be here at least a year but I knew it would be good for me to get the room ready for my solo time in it. Plus, my parents have been living in this house for 23 years and have done zero upgrades on it. Yay for projects!
In my parents large house I have actually lived in every room. They are all painted a different color and decorated to each person's personality (all by me btw.. toot toot) and my last room living here 3 years ago was 3 different shades of purple. The purple room however, was not available so I had no choice but to move into the 'red room' that was originally supposed to be a nautical themed den for my dad. All that ever happened in that design process was me painting it and drawing up a schematic for the floor to ceiling beauty and the beast-esq book shelves. Basically, when I moved out the design process stopped there. The dark brick red was perfect for my dad, but I am generally a bright cheery person and needed a lighter color that gave the room more life.
I really love the YHL blog, you can check that out here. The blog is about a DIY couple that are re-doing an old house and they chronicle everything each step of the process. Be careful, its addictinig to see what projects this great young couple accomplishes almost daily. They also served as a great help to me when it came time to re-decorate my new room. Here is my version of a YHL post ;) Get ready for some over sharing, just like on YHL!
Here are some before photos... you just feel depressed looking at it dont you? Except when you see Beckaboo- he puts a smile on everyone's face ;)
First things first, I had to paint over the depressing brick red with a vibrant and cheerful teal. In fact its called 'true teal' and I found it on the glidden website. It's really awesome actually because you can select a room and colors and 'paint' the virtual walls so you can get a feel for what it would look like. It was also less than $20 for a gallon of paint!
Next is the inspiration behind the entire room. I scored these wall clings on my last day of work at Cost Plus, so not only were they already on sale but with the discount I only paid $6 for these. They are basically stickers that you can put on the wall- even textured walls like mine, it just needs a little extra love to get all the air bubbles out but the whole process was super easy!
In my parents large house I have actually lived in every room. They are all painted a different color and decorated to each person's personality (all by me btw.. toot toot) and my last room living here 3 years ago was 3 different shades of purple. The purple room however, was not available so I had no choice but to move into the 'red room' that was originally supposed to be a nautical themed den for my dad. All that ever happened in that design process was me painting it and drawing up a schematic for the floor to ceiling beauty and the beast-esq book shelves. Basically, when I moved out the design process stopped there. The dark brick red was perfect for my dad, but I am generally a bright cheery person and needed a lighter color that gave the room more life.
I really love the YHL blog, you can check that out here. The blog is about a DIY couple that are re-doing an old house and they chronicle everything each step of the process. Be careful, its addictinig to see what projects this great young couple accomplishes almost daily. They also served as a great help to me when it came time to re-decorate my new room. Here is my version of a YHL post ;) Get ready for some over sharing, just like on YHL!
Here are some before photos... you just feel depressed looking at it dont you? Except when you see Beckaboo- he puts a smile on everyone's face ;)
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| This closet used to have a book shelf in it, my husband came a week early to cutom build me a closet. |
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| The 'bed' is called a studio day sofa and i got it at Cost Plus for $250. It's what I'll be sleeping on the next 5 weeks. The arms fold down into a bed. And yes, that is my preggy pillow that I still sleep with, no judging. |
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| I had to give myself motivation to keep painting. |
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| This is me applying it. It was so fast and easy I did all 6 of them in less than 15 minutes. The smaller ones were even easier. The only thing about those wall clings was that I could only get the sheet of 6. I wanted to do an entire wall with them but I got the last one, and none of the neighboring stores had them either. I had to move on to plan b- painting a stencil. I have painted a lot, so for me stencil work was not intimidating. I was just worried about finding one that was similar to my wall sticker. I had planned to do them in a different color to give the design depth, then when I found this gem, I decided to add another color as well to really give it a great look. The paint was only $2.50 for both colors- i just got the testers at Home Depot, they will tint it for you and its perfect for a little job like this. |
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| The stencil is from Michaels. Here's a money saving tip for you- if you have a smart phone download the Michael's app and they ALWAYS have a coupon available. In fact, they send you more as soon as you use them so they can cater to the products that your most likely to buy. I only paid $4 for this after the 40% coupon from my phone. |
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| Just a light sprinkle of paint... |
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| And viola! Then I repeated the process with the lighter shade to get this:  I really love the contrast of the black clings and the ligher and darker blue stencil. It looks even better in person! Here is the final product of all my tinkering...  Notice the smaller wall stickers under the window?  There is the day sofa that has now been converted into a bed. My mom gave me those cute throw pillows to go with it. I love that my music station (as i like to call it) looks out into a really pretty part of my mom's garden in the back yard. If that view doesn't get creative vibes going, I dont know what will!  This is probably my favorite spot of the room. I really really really love my shoes. When you are a size 5 its super hard to find cute -adult- shoes in that size, so when i find them i get them. Most of the time i have nowhere to wear them to, but I just love looking at them! Oh, and my mom snuck in the sign that says "Cheyenne's room" that a neighbor made for me back in elementary school. Sometiems its a good thing that my mom is a hoarder.  This side is still a work in progress. My husband is going to put up another curtain to cover the closet. Also, its pretty aparent that I am in need of a hamper. I have to fix my easal... someone *coughmyhusbandcough* broke it during the move otherwise it would be on my desk. 
And this is my work station. In the near future you may be seeing more of my writing works in print, but that is still a road i am traveling on. More paintings from me though, that is a definite future. I am hoping to set up an Etsy account so people can purchase my artwork. The favorite of all my pieces is still the heart series. (The one above my bed) I only brought my very favorite pieces with me and left the rest with my husband so he wasn't living in complete desolation until he can join me out here.
There are still a few projects left to do. Hang the curtains over the closet, hang the shelves my dad gave us, paint the trim on the window and door, replace the door completly ...ect. I spent some time this afternoon priming and painting the things the shelves sit on. Forgive me, I have no idea what to call them. They were brass colored and looked like rope so i painted it a deep teal- they are still drying or I would have got a photo of it haha.
So thats it! I hope you enjoyed the room makeover, I did! I feel like I should mention that besides my husband coming out a week early to make the closet, the rest was done in a period of 24 hours. I am officially unpacked. I live here. It still feels weird- I keep feeling like I should be getting home before its too late, and then i remember that I AM home... It will take some getting used to for sure. But, a cute room helps!
PS- spell check isn't working for some reason so I apologize if there are any crazy words in here that I didnt catch! |
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Distance Makes The Heart Grow Fonder... Right?
I only have 3 days left here in the Monterey County before I move home to the bay area. I really can't wrap my head around the fact that I will be living apart from my husband for a little over 4 weeks. I want to make something really clear before I elaborate on all my feelings: I am not worried about my relationship with my husband. This seems to be a common question from people when I tell them we will be living apart for a while. We have been through so much in the 7 years of our relationship and I know that we will get through 4+ weeks unscathed.
I am nervous for myself though, because I am very dependant on him. He is my constant companion, my entertainment, my chef, my sounding board, and he takes care of me in every way. He keeps me comfortable without spoiling me too much. He makes me want to do nice things for other people. He really does make me feel whole. I love that word 'whole' because I really did feel like an incomplete person for most of my life. When I started dating my husband I could feel pieces of me that I didn't even know existed starting to grow larger, making me a better person.
We have made commitments to each other to stick to during this time in our marriage. We have vowed to see each other at least once a week until he moves home with me. We have promised to call and say goodnight (something we did if we were apart over night anyway) and we have also promised to wait to watch 'our' shows until we can be on the phone together to watch them 'together'. The last one is a little silly but one of our favorite past times is cuddling on the couch late at night watching our shows together. Its really some of the only time we get to spend together with our crazy schedules, and that time is valuable to us, and we aren't going to let distance change that.
I know we can do this. I know that we are stronger than living apart. Just look at our track record of everything we have accomplished together. Three years ago I thought this time would never come. I would have anxiety over being stuck in Monterey forever. Monterey is a very beautiful place, but it's not the best place to live. Visit? Yes. Live? No.
One amazing thing about my husband is that he can always think long term as opposed to my short term way of thinking. He knew that everything we were doing was to get us to this moment, and without him I probably would have given up a long time ago. He is giving me that same strength now. He knows we can get through these next weeks- and truly when you think about the troops and their wives when they get deployed, we have it good... so that helps give me perspective when I am feeling a lot of anxiety about our current situation.
When I look back at the last 3 years it's amazing the things i have learned. One, is that the bond between my best friend and I has not shifted, even with the distance and our insane schedules. We have always made time for each other to talk, and when one of us was in distress... we were always there for each other no matter what else was going on. I know for a fact that not a lot of people have the bond that we do, and I am so thankful to her everyday. I can't wait to be home and have the chance to just drive the few minutes to her house- it is such a blessing.
The second is my family. Its no secret that I didn't grow up close to them. I always felt like an outsider, so different from all of them. The distance has forced us into figuring out how to have regular conversations that don't end up in arguments. Our families have helped us in times of need, and have been there for us (even if its from afar) during difficult situations. While I'm a little scared that moving back home with them will cause us to fall into old patterns, I am optimistic that our new relationships will stay intact. I wouldn't change a thing about our dynamic now, and I am so appreciative of this time and distance that has helped facilitate that.
The third is me. When we moved out here I was so sure of my future and I had never really been in the position where I had to adapt. I have always been a planner, and now that I am older and we have been on our own the last 3 years I have learned so much about myself. I have learned to let go of the control (for the most part- I mean, lets be realistic!) and I have learned to adapt to what is presented in front of me instead of giving up and refusing to deal with it. I have learned that I don't always have to have a distinct voice. I have been in leadership positions for about 6 years, and I am finding that i would rather sink into the background and let other people take the reins. That's not to say that I wouldn't speak up if i really felt it was necessary, but for the first time in my life I don't have to figure it all out myself, and I really enjoy it. I have learned that I am strong than I ever thought I was. If it wasn't for everything we've been through the last few months I am certain that faced with living apart from my husband would be a crumbling experience. I have learned that I can handle a lot, and what I cant- its OK to admit that. I feel stronger every day and I know that this experience will only help me continue to grow and find out more about myself and what I am capable of.
I am not excited about leaving my husband for 4 weeks, but I am excited to see the long-term achievements that come along with it.
Psst-
For those wondering how I dealt with the 3 month anniversary of losing our son. Well... i missed it. I had been pushing away my feelings for weeks, telling myself that I could let myself validate them on the 14th. I would give myself that time and see what happens, but in the mean time I needed to wait. Well, my lovely husband pointed out on the 14th that the anniversary actually fell on the 12th. How could I have gotten the dates wrong? It's literally all I think about sometimes... and i got it wrong. I didn't really know what to do with that, or how i felt about it... so I've been waiting for it to hit me but it hasnt yet. When it does, I will let it and not fight it... but for now I am actually ok. I keep moving and that's really all i can do at this point.
I am nervous for myself though, because I am very dependant on him. He is my constant companion, my entertainment, my chef, my sounding board, and he takes care of me in every way. He keeps me comfortable without spoiling me too much. He makes me want to do nice things for other people. He really does make me feel whole. I love that word 'whole' because I really did feel like an incomplete person for most of my life. When I started dating my husband I could feel pieces of me that I didn't even know existed starting to grow larger, making me a better person.
We have made commitments to each other to stick to during this time in our marriage. We have vowed to see each other at least once a week until he moves home with me. We have promised to call and say goodnight (something we did if we were apart over night anyway) and we have also promised to wait to watch 'our' shows until we can be on the phone together to watch them 'together'. The last one is a little silly but one of our favorite past times is cuddling on the couch late at night watching our shows together. Its really some of the only time we get to spend together with our crazy schedules, and that time is valuable to us, and we aren't going to let distance change that.
I know we can do this. I know that we are stronger than living apart. Just look at our track record of everything we have accomplished together. Three years ago I thought this time would never come. I would have anxiety over being stuck in Monterey forever. Monterey is a very beautiful place, but it's not the best place to live. Visit? Yes. Live? No.
One amazing thing about my husband is that he can always think long term as opposed to my short term way of thinking. He knew that everything we were doing was to get us to this moment, and without him I probably would have given up a long time ago. He is giving me that same strength now. He knows we can get through these next weeks- and truly when you think about the troops and their wives when they get deployed, we have it good... so that helps give me perspective when I am feeling a lot of anxiety about our current situation.
When I look back at the last 3 years it's amazing the things i have learned. One, is that the bond between my best friend and I has not shifted, even with the distance and our insane schedules. We have always made time for each other to talk, and when one of us was in distress... we were always there for each other no matter what else was going on. I know for a fact that not a lot of people have the bond that we do, and I am so thankful to her everyday. I can't wait to be home and have the chance to just drive the few minutes to her house- it is such a blessing.
The second is my family. Its no secret that I didn't grow up close to them. I always felt like an outsider, so different from all of them. The distance has forced us into figuring out how to have regular conversations that don't end up in arguments. Our families have helped us in times of need, and have been there for us (even if its from afar) during difficult situations. While I'm a little scared that moving back home with them will cause us to fall into old patterns, I am optimistic that our new relationships will stay intact. I wouldn't change a thing about our dynamic now, and I am so appreciative of this time and distance that has helped facilitate that.
The third is me. When we moved out here I was so sure of my future and I had never really been in the position where I had to adapt. I have always been a planner, and now that I am older and we have been on our own the last 3 years I have learned so much about myself. I have learned to let go of the control (for the most part- I mean, lets be realistic!) and I have learned to adapt to what is presented in front of me instead of giving up and refusing to deal with it. I have learned that I don't always have to have a distinct voice. I have been in leadership positions for about 6 years, and I am finding that i would rather sink into the background and let other people take the reins. That's not to say that I wouldn't speak up if i really felt it was necessary, but for the first time in my life I don't have to figure it all out myself, and I really enjoy it. I have learned that I am strong than I ever thought I was. If it wasn't for everything we've been through the last few months I am certain that faced with living apart from my husband would be a crumbling experience. I have learned that I can handle a lot, and what I cant- its OK to admit that. I feel stronger every day and I know that this experience will only help me continue to grow and find out more about myself and what I am capable of.
I am not excited about leaving my husband for 4 weeks, but I am excited to see the long-term achievements that come along with it.
Psst-
For those wondering how I dealt with the 3 month anniversary of losing our son. Well... i missed it. I had been pushing away my feelings for weeks, telling myself that I could let myself validate them on the 14th. I would give myself that time and see what happens, but in the mean time I needed to wait. Well, my lovely husband pointed out on the 14th that the anniversary actually fell on the 12th. How could I have gotten the dates wrong? It's literally all I think about sometimes... and i got it wrong. I didn't really know what to do with that, or how i felt about it... so I've been waiting for it to hit me but it hasnt yet. When it does, I will let it and not fight it... but for now I am actually ok. I keep moving and that's really all i can do at this point.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Hey Hey It's Your Birthday! Er... it was!
On Sunday while most people were celebrating Easter, I was celebrating my birthday with my husband. It was a perfectly relaxing day- exactly what I needed.
We slept in late, which I can describe in one word: incredible! Between all my early mornings and my crazy work schedule to say that I've missed out on a lot of sleep would be an understatement. I know they say that your body can't make up for lack of sleep but I think they're wrong. I slept in much later than I normally do, and I felt fantastic after.
My husband started off my day by bringing me breakfast in bed and I caught up on my DVR. He went out and got supplies to make some of my favorite snacks: bacon wrapped shrimp and jalapeno poppers. They were so delicious I found myself full wishing for more. Ya know that 'just one more bite' feeling when something is simply delicious? I think I'm feeling that right now... mmmm....
That evening we went to a bon fire on the beach. A friend of mine was moving away that Monday and threw a bonfire to say bye to all his friends. Despite the fact that it was my birthday I accepted the invitation and I was glad I did. I had a great time hanging out, drinking homemade cocktails around the fire. I even got in some football with the guys before the alcohol made me too tired. I did notice that just a year ago I was in that same spot throwing a bonfire for my own birthday.
After the bonfire we came home and my husband made a delicious dinner of salmon and asparagus. He is such a great cook, and although i was still full from the appetizers I couldn't help from having some. It was a full tummy kind, relaxing and fun kind of day. Exactly what I needed!
We slept in late, which I can describe in one word: incredible! Between all my early mornings and my crazy work schedule to say that I've missed out on a lot of sleep would be an understatement. I know they say that your body can't make up for lack of sleep but I think they're wrong. I slept in much later than I normally do, and I felt fantastic after.
My husband started off my day by bringing me breakfast in bed and I caught up on my DVR. He went out and got supplies to make some of my favorite snacks: bacon wrapped shrimp and jalapeno poppers. They were so delicious I found myself full wishing for more. Ya know that 'just one more bite' feeling when something is simply delicious? I think I'm feeling that right now... mmmm....
That evening we went to a bon fire on the beach. A friend of mine was moving away that Monday and threw a bonfire to say bye to all his friends. Despite the fact that it was my birthday I accepted the invitation and I was glad I did. I had a great time hanging out, drinking homemade cocktails around the fire. I even got in some football with the guys before the alcohol made me too tired. I did notice that just a year ago I was in that same spot throwing a bonfire for my own birthday.
After the bonfire we came home and my husband made a delicious dinner of salmon and asparagus. He is such a great cook, and although i was still full from the appetizers I couldn't help from having some. It was a full tummy kind, relaxing and fun kind of day. Exactly what I needed!
Sunday, April 8, 2012
A Quarter Life Crisis
"Its really strange, seeing situations change you in a way you never thought your heart or mind or even actions would in life. Then driving yourself crazy thinking about it all after the fact. 'I'm not the person i thought i was' Losing who you thought you were really adds to it all."
The above is actually a text I received tonight while I was talking to a friend. They perfectly described everything I've been feeling lately without even knowing it. I just thought I would share it because it is so true in my life right now, and right down to the inspiration for all the changes I've been making.
Right now, its 1:03am on April 8th... which means it has been my birthday for an hour. The last time my birthday fell on Easter it was my 21st and no one would drink with me because of the holiday- it was very sad. I am 26 today, and I am no where near the person I thought I would be. I thought I would become a mommy at 26- but now the best case scenario for that happening is when I am 27. Normally I would say that isn't such a big deal, but I am a walking testament to how much can change in a year.
On April 3rd of last year I accepted a new job in a different retail company, and I thought that move was going to be life changing. I thought I would be at that company forever, but so much changed in my time there- some of it the company's fault and some of it mine. I've been in retail for over 10 years- most of that time I was a manager. What I'm good at is people, so I stuck with that industry thinking it was the best thing for me. However, "Retail Management" is just a fancy way to describe teenage babysitting. On April 6th of this year, I accepted a new job into the banking industry.
It's hard to describe, but the biggest thing Mason did for me was give me perspective. A lot of it I can appreciate, but to be honest with my new found look on life it was incredibly hard to care about the things that I was supposed to at my job. I just found myself hating every day that I had to negotiate prices on damaged goods, fix someone's schedule, or argue over who's turn it was to clean the bathrooms. (Believe me, no one gets paid enough for the things customers leave in public restrooms!) I still enjoyed working with the public (for the most part- there are always exceptions haha) and I liked the times when I could do my tasks and not have to manage anyone.
The other part that is difficult in my current job, is going into that building every day and remembering everything I went through in my pregnancy. Every time I sat at my desk I would think about how I sat in that exact spot and told one of my co-workers about the ultrasound I had to go in for, because they thought something might be wrong with our baby. I think about the bubbles i convinced myself that i felt. Every time I go into our office I think about how I used to find things to do in there so I could hide the fact that I couldn't stop crying. Every time I used the rest room I thought about how sick I always was and how I would give anything to be running in there to be sick again. It's strange the things you wish for when you lose something... It just came to be too much to be in that building.
I'm sure for some that probably sounds weird or stupid, but the best way I can describe it is like a scent memory. You know when you smell something and it takes you back to a specific time and place- that's how it feels to be in certain spots at work and it isn't something I can control or block out.
Another reason I considered leaving my current position is the simple fact that I've been in the same industry for over 10 years- who wouldn't be ready for a change at that point? I've already written about how I plan to go back to school, and the schedule in the banking industry is favorable for school. I am actually excited to just go to work and do my job, and not have to be responsible for 20+ people. To actually be able to get to know and enjoy my co-workers... I doubt most people are excited to answer to someone else for a change, but I am looking forward to it.
"I'm not the person I thought I would be" is what I kept thinking as my birthday approached and it really motivated me to make these changes. I just want to start the life that I had always envisioned myself having, and stop making excuses to put it off. There is so much that I cant change that I am still coming to terms with, but there are plenty of other things that I can as long as I have the courage to do so... and right now I do and I want to hold onto that feeling as long as possible.
So....Here's to being one year closer to the dirty 30!
The above is actually a text I received tonight while I was talking to a friend. They perfectly described everything I've been feeling lately without even knowing it. I just thought I would share it because it is so true in my life right now, and right down to the inspiration for all the changes I've been making.
Right now, its 1:03am on April 8th... which means it has been my birthday for an hour. The last time my birthday fell on Easter it was my 21st and no one would drink with me because of the holiday- it was very sad. I am 26 today, and I am no where near the person I thought I would be. I thought I would become a mommy at 26- but now the best case scenario for that happening is when I am 27. Normally I would say that isn't such a big deal, but I am a walking testament to how much can change in a year.
On April 3rd of last year I accepted a new job in a different retail company, and I thought that move was going to be life changing. I thought I would be at that company forever, but so much changed in my time there- some of it the company's fault and some of it mine. I've been in retail for over 10 years- most of that time I was a manager. What I'm good at is people, so I stuck with that industry thinking it was the best thing for me. However, "Retail Management" is just a fancy way to describe teenage babysitting. On April 6th of this year, I accepted a new job into the banking industry.
It's hard to describe, but the biggest thing Mason did for me was give me perspective. A lot of it I can appreciate, but to be honest with my new found look on life it was incredibly hard to care about the things that I was supposed to at my job. I just found myself hating every day that I had to negotiate prices on damaged goods, fix someone's schedule, or argue over who's turn it was to clean the bathrooms. (Believe me, no one gets paid enough for the things customers leave in public restrooms!) I still enjoyed working with the public (for the most part- there are always exceptions haha) and I liked the times when I could do my tasks and not have to manage anyone.
The other part that is difficult in my current job, is going into that building every day and remembering everything I went through in my pregnancy. Every time I sat at my desk I would think about how I sat in that exact spot and told one of my co-workers about the ultrasound I had to go in for, because they thought something might be wrong with our baby. I think about the bubbles i convinced myself that i felt. Every time I go into our office I think about how I used to find things to do in there so I could hide the fact that I couldn't stop crying. Every time I used the rest room I thought about how sick I always was and how I would give anything to be running in there to be sick again. It's strange the things you wish for when you lose something... It just came to be too much to be in that building.
I'm sure for some that probably sounds weird or stupid, but the best way I can describe it is like a scent memory. You know when you smell something and it takes you back to a specific time and place- that's how it feels to be in certain spots at work and it isn't something I can control or block out.
Another reason I considered leaving my current position is the simple fact that I've been in the same industry for over 10 years- who wouldn't be ready for a change at that point? I've already written about how I plan to go back to school, and the schedule in the banking industry is favorable for school. I am actually excited to just go to work and do my job, and not have to be responsible for 20+ people. To actually be able to get to know and enjoy my co-workers... I doubt most people are excited to answer to someone else for a change, but I am looking forward to it.
"I'm not the person I thought I would be" is what I kept thinking as my birthday approached and it really motivated me to make these changes. I just want to start the life that I had always envisioned myself having, and stop making excuses to put it off. There is so much that I cant change that I am still coming to terms with, but there are plenty of other things that I can as long as I have the courage to do so... and right now I do and I want to hold onto that feeling as long as possible.
So....Here's to being one year closer to the dirty 30!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Insecurities
This is something I have dealt with my entire life. It's funny- when I was 89 lbs and my chest was pretty close to the same size it is now (attached to my fluffier self) I was so insecure about being underweight. I worried so much about how proportional I was. When I wasn't worrying about my huge nose, I was plagued by insecurities surrounding my personality. I have always been a guys girl- not a tomboy so much, because i love hair, makeup and shoes but I have always gotten along better with guys.
For many girls, that fact is a huge insecurity of their own and I am positive that is why i can literally count my female friends on one hand. I typically don't let many people into goings-on of my crazy brain, but those I do usually are male. My best friends have largely been male, and that is where I am comfortable. Usually I am close with girls that find comfort in female friendships that have been down the same burned path... so we have that strange-but-it-works-for-us connection. It also makes it hard to have close relationships with guys who have girlfriends or spouses with their own insecurities regarding our friendship. That, I can confirm I have given up trying to figure out...
Now as I am older, and larger- I find myself mad at my younger self for not being more confident when I had it all going on. True, I am sticking to my Operation Baby Farm: The Body Edition plans, but I have recently come to the conclusion that I need to be ok with never looking like my 18 year old self again. I know there must be people out there thinking 'well duh!' but for me, this is something I have been insecure about for oh, i don't know... almost 8 years and I am just now finding ways to be ok with it.
For those who don't know, I will be turning 26 this weekend and for some reason around my birthday, (and New Years) I always feel like I need to declare the things that are bothering me as well as my plans to fix them. I sometimes take this opportunity to tell people how I feel... but I honestly haven't felt an urge to do the latter (always a good thing... it must mean I'm doing something right).
When I got pregnant, part of me was relieved that I didn't have to keep up charade that I intended to lose weight. Like i said, my new fluffy-ness did bother me but I was honestly unmotivated to do anything about it. I was happy to keep sitting on the couch just complaining like it would actually do something. So when a legitimate reason came to embrace the impending weight gain I felt myself relax only to have all that come crashing down later. Now, I can honestly say that has all changed- I want to take pride in taking care of myself physically and most recently, mentally.
I think the anti-depressants the Dr prescribed are working. I feel like I am more in control of my mood swings and my emotions, and just knowing that I see an improvement makes me feel less insecure. I am a control freak, so the fact that my emotions ruled me instead of the other way around left me anxious- which is no way to live. It's a bit sad to me that insecurities have taken over so many of my actions for so many years- but really I feel more sorry for those that project their insecurities and have no intentions of ever fixing them.
My psychologist friend told me that i am already ahead of the game, because I recognize that I have issues and I am trying to fix them. It's everyone else that i feel worried for...
For many girls, that fact is a huge insecurity of their own and I am positive that is why i can literally count my female friends on one hand. I typically don't let many people into goings-on of my crazy brain, but those I do usually are male. My best friends have largely been male, and that is where I am comfortable. Usually I am close with girls that find comfort in female friendships that have been down the same burned path... so we have that strange-but-it-works-for-us connection. It also makes it hard to have close relationships with guys who have girlfriends or spouses with their own insecurities regarding our friendship. That, I can confirm I have given up trying to figure out...
Now as I am older, and larger- I find myself mad at my younger self for not being more confident when I had it all going on. True, I am sticking to my Operation Baby Farm: The Body Edition plans, but I have recently come to the conclusion that I need to be ok with never looking like my 18 year old self again. I know there must be people out there thinking 'well duh!' but for me, this is something I have been insecure about for oh, i don't know... almost 8 years and I am just now finding ways to be ok with it.
For those who don't know, I will be turning 26 this weekend and for some reason around my birthday, (and New Years) I always feel like I need to declare the things that are bothering me as well as my plans to fix them. I sometimes take this opportunity to tell people how I feel... but I honestly haven't felt an urge to do the latter (always a good thing... it must mean I'm doing something right).
When I got pregnant, part of me was relieved that I didn't have to keep up charade that I intended to lose weight. Like i said, my new fluffy-ness did bother me but I was honestly unmotivated to do anything about it. I was happy to keep sitting on the couch just complaining like it would actually do something. So when a legitimate reason came to embrace the impending weight gain I felt myself relax only to have all that come crashing down later. Now, I can honestly say that has all changed- I want to take pride in taking care of myself physically and most recently, mentally.
I think the anti-depressants the Dr prescribed are working. I feel like I am more in control of my mood swings and my emotions, and just knowing that I see an improvement makes me feel less insecure. I am a control freak, so the fact that my emotions ruled me instead of the other way around left me anxious- which is no way to live. It's a bit sad to me that insecurities have taken over so many of my actions for so many years- but really I feel more sorry for those that project their insecurities and have no intentions of ever fixing them.
My psychologist friend told me that i am already ahead of the game, because I recognize that I have issues and I am trying to fix them. It's everyone else that i feel worried for...
Undies After Midnight
Consider this part 2 to my December post Boobies Near Midnight
Once again it is in the wee hours of the morning and I am wide awake and while I am sad to disappoint any of my 'boobie' readers, this is going to be a compilation of all the things swirling in this little noggin of mine surrounding my move home. I have no idea when I am supposed to move home, but I have to be ready at any possible moment- and I find myself appreciating and hating things about my current situation and figured I would share them, in hopes that it at least makes someone laugh. Hopefully there aren't too many insomniacs out there reading this tonight though. I'm afraid I won't help you get to sleep any sooner...
Apartment Living:
Pros-
You get a clean slate when you move in. There are all kinds of possibilities of what your time, well 6-12 months there could be.
If your a nosy person, this is the place for you.
Having your own place means celebrating your marriage where ever you want...
Living without roommates is always amazing... throw those undies wherever you want!
Oh man is it loud... at like... every minute of every day!
Cons-
While exploring all of those possibilities there will certainly be messes that you end up paying for when you leave.
Beware of the nosy neighbors- because when there isn't anyone else to listen to- they are probably listening to you!
Thin walls make it hard to celebrate marriage at any level you want...
Living without roommates means you can't blame things on anyone else. Also, messes don't go away 'magically'
Moving Back to Our Parents House:
Pros-
Saving money is the best encouragement
Despite my husbands efforts, he just doesn't decarbonate a 7UP for an upset tummy like my mommy does
There are always snacks around in a large family- and when most of them are women, there is always a hidden stash of chocolate
We don't have to cook as much, especially when we have busy schedules ;)
Quiet time and sleeping in is actually possible
Cons-
Surrendering more money than your required to so you don't spend your new overhead- which means once again having to ask them for your own money.
Mom doesn't let us watch tv on the couch all day when we are sick... and she doesn't call out for you either.
Did i mention the never ending food availability? Just pack on those lb's now...
I love my parents, i truly do, but my husband kicks their ass in the kitchen
No more undies anywhere philosophy ;(
Something to add to both of these lists is that we are grateful to have been able to live on our own for 3 years. We didn't have any roommates for the last year and it was the best year (at least living together wise- 2012 can still suck it) so it will be a huge adjustment to go from it being just the two of us to an entire household of family. We are grateful to have this opportunity to move home and save some money while we are in our 'transitionary period' of our lives. I am excited to have people to spend time with when my husband is busy. I spend a lot of time home alone as it is, which can be super boring. However, I will probably always be a homebody, which i kinda love... but i like that I'll have the option to change that lonely heart status if i want to. But there is nothing on any list that could make me happy about spending any amount of time away from my husband, as it seems inevitable that I will be moving home before him. Boo on that....
Now we wait for the phone to ring... and its super annoying!
Once again it is in the wee hours of the morning and I am wide awake and while I am sad to disappoint any of my 'boobie' readers, this is going to be a compilation of all the things swirling in this little noggin of mine surrounding my move home. I have no idea when I am supposed to move home, but I have to be ready at any possible moment- and I find myself appreciating and hating things about my current situation and figured I would share them, in hopes that it at least makes someone laugh. Hopefully there aren't too many insomniacs out there reading this tonight though. I'm afraid I won't help you get to sleep any sooner...
Apartment Living:
Pros-
You get a clean slate when you move in. There are all kinds of possibilities of what your time, well 6-12 months there could be.
If your a nosy person, this is the place for you.
Having your own place means celebrating your marriage where ever you want...
Living without roommates is always amazing... throw those undies wherever you want!
Oh man is it loud... at like... every minute of every day!
Cons-
While exploring all of those possibilities there will certainly be messes that you end up paying for when you leave.
Beware of the nosy neighbors- because when there isn't anyone else to listen to- they are probably listening to you!
Thin walls make it hard to celebrate marriage at any level you want...
Living without roommates means you can't blame things on anyone else. Also, messes don't go away 'magically'
Moving Back to Our Parents House:
Pros-
Saving money is the best encouragement
Despite my husbands efforts, he just doesn't decarbonate a 7UP for an upset tummy like my mommy does
There are always snacks around in a large family- and when most of them are women, there is always a hidden stash of chocolate
We don't have to cook as much, especially when we have busy schedules ;)
Quiet time and sleeping in is actually possible
Cons-
Surrendering more money than your required to so you don't spend your new overhead- which means once again having to ask them for your own money.
Mom doesn't let us watch tv on the couch all day when we are sick... and she doesn't call out for you either.
Did i mention the never ending food availability? Just pack on those lb's now...
I love my parents, i truly do, but my husband kicks their ass in the kitchen
No more undies anywhere philosophy ;(
Something to add to both of these lists is that we are grateful to have been able to live on our own for 3 years. We didn't have any roommates for the last year and it was the best year (at least living together wise- 2012 can still suck it) so it will be a huge adjustment to go from it being just the two of us to an entire household of family. We are grateful to have this opportunity to move home and save some money while we are in our 'transitionary period' of our lives. I am excited to have people to spend time with when my husband is busy. I spend a lot of time home alone as it is, which can be super boring. However, I will probably always be a homebody, which i kinda love... but i like that I'll have the option to change that lonely heart status if i want to. But there is nothing on any list that could make me happy about spending any amount of time away from my husband, as it seems inevitable that I will be moving home before him. Boo on that....
Now we wait for the phone to ring... and its super annoying!
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