Insecurities

This is something I have dealt with my entire life. It's funny- when I was 89 lbs and my chest was pretty close to the same size it is now (attached to my fluffier self) I was so insecure about being underweight. I worried so much about how proportional I was. When I wasn't worrying about my huge nose, I was plagued by insecurities surrounding my personality. I have always been a guys girl- not a tomboy so much, because i love hair, makeup and shoes but I have always gotten along better with guys.

For many girls, that fact is a huge insecurity of their own and I am positive that is why i can literally count my female friends on one hand. I typically don't let many people into goings-on of my crazy brain, but those I do usually are male. My best friends have largely been male, and that is where I am comfortable. Usually I am close with girls that find comfort in female friendships that have been down the same burned path... so we have that strange-but-it-works-for-us connection. It also makes it hard to have close relationships with guys who have girlfriends or spouses with their own insecurities regarding our friendship. That, I can confirm I have given up trying to figure out...

Now as I am older, and larger- I find myself mad at my younger self for not being more confident when I had it all going on. True, I am sticking to my Operation Baby Farm: The Body Edition plans, but I have recently come to the conclusion that I need to be ok with never looking like my 18 year old self again. I know there must be people out there thinking 'well duh!' but for me, this is something I have been insecure about for oh, i don't know... almost 8 years and I am just now finding ways to be ok with it.

For those who don't know, I will be turning 26 this weekend and for some reason around my birthday, (and New Years) I always feel like I need to declare the things that are bothering me as well as my plans to fix them. I sometimes take this opportunity to tell people how I feel... but I honestly haven't felt an urge to do the latter (always a good thing... it must mean I'm doing something right).

When I got pregnant, part of me was relieved that I didn't have to keep up charade that I intended to lose weight. Like i said, my new fluffy-ness did bother me but I was honestly unmotivated to do anything about it. I was happy to keep sitting on the couch just complaining like it would actually do something. So when a legitimate reason came to embrace the impending weight gain I felt myself relax only to have all that come crashing down later. Now, I can honestly say that has all changed- I want to take pride in taking care of myself physically and most recently, mentally.

I think the anti-depressants the Dr prescribed are working. I feel like I am more in control of my mood swings and my emotions, and just knowing that I see an improvement makes me feel less insecure. I am a control freak, so the fact that my emotions ruled me instead of the other way around left me anxious- which is no way to live. It's a bit sad to me that insecurities have taken over so many of my actions for so many years- but really I feel more sorry for those that project their insecurities and have no intentions of ever fixing them.

My psychologist friend told me that i am already ahead of the game, because I recognize that I have issues and I am trying to fix them. It's everyone else that i feel worried for...