"Its really strange, seeing situations change you in a way you never thought your heart or mind or even actions would in life. Then driving yourself crazy thinking about it all after the fact. 'I'm not the person i thought i was' Losing who you thought you were really adds to it all."
The above is actually a text I received tonight while I was talking to a friend. They perfectly described everything I've been feeling lately without even knowing it. I just thought I would share it because it is so true in my life right now, and right down to the inspiration for all the changes I've been making.
Right now, its 1:03am on April 8th... which means it has been my birthday for an hour. The last time my birthday fell on Easter it was my 21st and no one would drink with me because of the holiday- it was very sad. I am 26 today, and I am no where near the person I thought I would be. I thought I would become a mommy at 26- but now the best case scenario for that happening is when I am 27. Normally I would say that isn't such a big deal, but I am a walking testament to how much can change in a year.
On April 3rd of last year I accepted a new job in a different retail company, and I thought that move was going to be life changing. I thought I would be at that company forever, but so much changed in my time there- some of it the company's fault and some of it mine. I've been in retail for over 10 years- most of that time I was a manager. What I'm good at is people, so I stuck with that industry thinking it was the best thing for me. However, "Retail Management" is just a fancy way to describe teenage babysitting. On April 6th of this year, I accepted a new job into the banking industry.
It's hard to describe, but the biggest thing Mason did for me was give me perspective. A lot of it I can appreciate, but to be honest with my new found look on life it was incredibly hard to care about the things that I was supposed to at my job. I just found myself hating every day that I had to negotiate prices on damaged goods, fix someone's schedule, or argue over who's turn it was to clean the bathrooms. (Believe me, no one gets paid enough for the things customers leave in public restrooms!) I still enjoyed working with the public (for the most part- there are always exceptions haha) and I liked the times when I could do my tasks and not have to manage anyone.
The other part that is difficult in my current job, is going into that building every day and remembering everything I went through in my pregnancy. Every time I sat at my desk I would think about how I sat in that exact spot and told one of my co-workers about the ultrasound I had to go in for, because they thought something might be wrong with our baby. I think about the bubbles i convinced myself that i felt. Every time I go into our office I think about how I used to find things to do in there so I could hide the fact that I couldn't stop crying. Every time I used the rest room I thought about how sick I always was and how I would give anything to be running in there to be sick again. It's strange the things you wish for when you lose something... It just came to be too much to be in that building.
I'm sure for some that probably sounds weird or stupid, but the best way I can describe it is like a scent memory. You know when you smell something and it takes you back to a specific time and place- that's how it feels to be in certain spots at work and it isn't something I can control or block out.
Another reason I considered leaving my current position is the simple fact that I've been in the same industry for over 10 years- who wouldn't be ready for a change at that point? I've already written about how I plan to go back to school, and the schedule in the banking industry is favorable for school. I am actually excited to just go to work and do my job, and not have to be responsible for 20+ people. To actually be able to get to know and enjoy my co-workers... I doubt most people are excited to answer to someone else for a change, but I am looking forward to it.
"I'm not the person I thought I would be" is what I kept thinking as my birthday approached and it really motivated me to make these changes. I just want to start the life that I had always envisioned myself having, and stop making excuses to put it off. There is so much that I cant change that I am still coming to terms with, but there are plenty of other things that I can as long as I have the courage to do so... and right now I do and I want to hold onto that feeling as long as possible.
So....Here's to being one year closer to the dirty 30!
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