Instagram Kicked My Ass

In this post, I may need to break my no-sad-talk rule. I don't want to pretend that things haven't been getting better for us since January. Yes, we had a very tough start to this year, but in the last few weeks things have been looking up. I am all moved into my parents house- although the fact that I just turned 26 and my husband and i are moving BACK into either parents house is a little sad to us- it has been an easy transition for me. I am absolutely loving my new job, and hoping that this feeling will last! I have also been keeping up on my diet- I have constantly been losing 1-2 lbs a week and I won't lie- it feels great when people notice and give me a compliment. The newest accomplishment in Operation Baby Farm is that I was casted in a musical this weekend.

It was my first audition in 4 years and I was pretty nervous (to say the least). You see, when you are interested and multi-talented (not tooting my own horn here- stay with me) it's hard to be exceptional at any one of these tasks. I firmly believe that because I have so many interests and pursue them all- I am not actually good at any of them. I guess I will always live in amateur-land but I am ok with that, at least I don't get bored right? All of these things are helping OBF progress- I am sticking to my new rule of doing things for myself and it feels great... So I guess it comes as a surprise to me when I have moments like today where my sadness comes out of the blue and completely takes over.... Let me explain...

I love Instagram! I am completely obsessed with it and they have this cool "Photo a day" thing where they list out the entire month and give you a subject to shoot and post each day. Today's theme was "Something that makes you sad" and my original thought was to post an old picture of my husband and I and to write a little something about how I miss living away from him. Then I came across the photos in my phone that I took while I was pregnant.

My belly photos... and this overwhelming emotion washed over me. Thank GOD i was in my car on my lunch break or I don't know what I would have done. I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing, and i had this horrible gut-wrenching pain in my stomach that just wouldn't ease up. I decided to post this photo as my Day 30 item instead. I just couldn't deny feelings like that, and everyone keeps telling me not to hide them so I decided to make it public. Really, I had a few seconds where I hoped posting it would make me hold my feelings accountable- ya know, force myself to deal with them so I could move on but they stayed with me the rest of the day.

I assume it started yesterday when it came time to head back home after visiting my husband. I had a melt down sitting in my car... my husband did his best to make me feel better but I just felt this emptiness that I knew would only grow as I put more and more distance between my husband and I on the drive home. If I didn't have to work today and I didn't just get this job, I probably wouldn't have left. I have a harder time than my husband seeing how right now helps the future (its super annoying BTW) and I just didn't want to leave. Eventually he calmed me down enough that I could drive home but as soon as I arrived i climbed into bed and cried myself to sleep. I figured it was just the hormones I'm taking and didn't think twice about it until I had a similar melt down today.

I was texting my husband tonight to try and figure out why I am feeling this way. I guess I thought that when things started getting better in our lives, it would become easier to be happier. There are days when I don't feel sad at all, I feel confident in the choices I made. Then, there are days like today when I truly have no control over what is going through me and I rethink all the decisions we've made. I convince myself that we were somehow selfish... that we should have talked to more doctors, or tried anything else to try to save our son. I know that logically it is unfair to put that stuff on myself, because when I am thinking clearly I know that we made the right decisions for our son. But sometimes... like today when I realized I should be 33 weeks... it's really hard to be rational.

Sometimes, all I can think about is my smaller tummy, and I convince myself I should be ashamed at taking pride in the way my body is changing- because its changing in reverse from the way it should be. I feel guilty when I have a beer, or a glass of wine... and the fact that I am making plans for a different future that only changed 4 months ago. I guess i feel like I am letting someone down... who I'm not sure... but I feel guilty when i feel good.

Everyone keeps telling me to take the time I need- but I can't explain how frustrating it is to want to be happy so badly and then feeling ashamed of that almost right away. I am tried of being sad, I am tried of these stupid emotional outbursts that are out of my control, and I am really tired of the guilt I put on myself... so why isn't it getting any easier as time passes like everyone says? Why does it still feel like it was just yesterday when our whole lives changed? Good things are happening, so why can't I enjoy them? Logically, I want to make Mason proud of me and I want him to know he has helped changed me but I can't help feeling like maybe he is disappointed in me... It's hard to describe... I guess I thought blogging would help me articulate all the things going on inside my head right now but I feel like I'm starting to go in circles. It's hard to believe that all this started with a silly Instagram thing... but I know I'm feeling it for a reason, I just need to figure out why and what to do with it.