I only have 3 days left here in the Monterey County before I move home to the bay area. I really can't wrap my head around the fact that I will be living apart from my husband for a little over 4 weeks. I want to make something really clear before I elaborate on all my feelings: I am not worried about my relationship with my husband. This seems to be a common question from people when I tell them we will be living apart for a while. We have been through so much in the 7 years of our relationship and I know that we will get through 4+ weeks unscathed.
I am nervous for myself though, because I am very dependant on him. He is my constant companion, my entertainment, my chef, my sounding board, and he takes care of me in every way. He keeps me comfortable without spoiling me too much. He makes me want to do nice things for other people. He really does make me feel whole. I love that word 'whole' because I really did feel like an incomplete person for most of my life. When I started dating my husband I could feel pieces of me that I didn't even know existed starting to grow larger, making me a better person.
We have made commitments to each other to stick to during this time in our marriage. We have vowed to see each other at least once a week until he moves home with me. We have promised to call and say goodnight (something we did if we were apart over night anyway) and we have also promised to wait to watch 'our' shows until we can be on the phone together to watch them 'together'. The last one is a little silly but one of our favorite past times is cuddling on the couch late at night watching our shows together. Its really some of the only time we get to spend together with our crazy schedules, and that time is valuable to us, and we aren't going to let distance change that.
I know we can do this. I know that we are stronger than living apart. Just look at our track record of everything we have accomplished together. Three years ago I thought this time would never come. I would have anxiety over being stuck in Monterey forever. Monterey is a very beautiful place, but it's not the best place to live. Visit? Yes. Live? No.
One amazing thing about my husband is that he can always think long term as opposed to my short term way of thinking. He knew that everything we were doing was to get us to this moment, and without him I probably would have given up a long time ago. He is giving me that same strength now. He knows we can get through these next weeks- and truly when you think about the troops and their wives when they get deployed, we have it good... so that helps give me perspective when I am feeling a lot of anxiety about our current situation.
When I look back at the last 3 years it's amazing the things i have learned. One, is that the bond between my best friend and I has not shifted, even with the distance and our insane schedules. We have always made time for each other to talk, and when one of us was in distress... we were always there for each other no matter what else was going on. I know for a fact that not a lot of people have the bond that we do, and I am so thankful to her everyday. I can't wait to be home and have the chance to just drive the few minutes to her house- it is such a blessing.
The second is my family. Its no secret that I didn't grow up close to them. I always felt like an outsider, so different from all of them. The distance has forced us into figuring out how to have regular conversations that don't end up in arguments. Our families have helped us in times of need, and have been there for us (even if its from afar) during difficult situations. While I'm a little scared that moving back home with them will cause us to fall into old patterns, I am optimistic that our new relationships will stay intact. I wouldn't change a thing about our dynamic now, and I am so appreciative of this time and distance that has helped facilitate that.
The third is me. When we moved out here I was so sure of my future and I had never really been in the position where I had to adapt. I have always been a planner, and now that I am older and we have been on our own the last 3 years I have learned so much about myself. I have learned to let go of the control (for the most part- I mean, lets be realistic!) and I have learned to adapt to what is presented in front of me instead of giving up and refusing to deal with it. I have learned that I don't always have to have a distinct voice. I have been in leadership positions for about 6 years, and I am finding that i would rather sink into the background and let other people take the reins. That's not to say that I wouldn't speak up if i really felt it was necessary, but for the first time in my life I don't have to figure it all out myself, and I really enjoy it. I have learned that I am strong than I ever thought I was. If it wasn't for everything we've been through the last few months I am certain that faced with living apart from my husband would be a crumbling experience. I have learned that I can handle a lot, and what I cant- its OK to admit that. I feel stronger every day and I know that this experience will only help me continue to grow and find out more about myself and what I am capable of.
I am not excited about leaving my husband for 4 weeks, but I am excited to see the long-term achievements that come along with it.
Psst-
For those wondering how I dealt with the 3 month anniversary of losing our son. Well... i missed it. I had been pushing away my feelings for weeks, telling myself that I could let myself validate them on the 14th. I would give myself that time and see what happens, but in the mean time I needed to wait. Well, my lovely husband pointed out on the 14th that the anniversary actually fell on the 12th. How could I have gotten the dates wrong? It's literally all I think about sometimes... and i got it wrong. I didn't really know what to do with that, or how i felt about it... so I've been waiting for it to hit me but it hasnt yet. When it does, I will let it and not fight it... but for now I am actually ok. I keep moving and that's really all i can do at this point.
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