Mother's Day

Mother's Day is next Sunday.

My husband and I were driving today and the subject of what we wanted to do for Mother's Day came up. My first instinct was to stay home and hide out. I am not entirely sure why... I have been lying low from family events since January... my heart just isn't in it and I've been trying to focus on myself. I know I need to start putting myself out there more, but the thought of being around a ton of people that know me well still freaks me out a bit. I like being surrounded by people who don't know my life story much better. It's much easier to be the person I want to be instead of who everyone knows me to be.

Usually we get our Mom's flowers and try to spend time with them both. We play this jumping game a lot on holidays trying to fit in both sides of our families to make them both happy. We always said when we started having our own family they could come to us to celebrate holidays because our kids experiences would be the most important.

When I was pregnant we had already talked about how we were going to spend our first Mother's Day: getting ready for Mason's arrival which meant I could stay home and he would dote on me all day. It's still weird for me to think how much things have changed in such a short time, and now we have to change our plans again. I realize its silly to be upset over hypothetical plans... I guess I just feel like I am in limbo when it comes to this holiday.

On one side, by all accounts I do consider myself a mom. I grew a person inside me, loved that person with all my heart, I mean, I went through hell just to take care of my little boy... but it didn't work out. On the other side, even with all those things... I don't have any physical evidence of me being a mom. All I have are memories and a few photos... and it just doesn't seem like enough.

My husband asked me if I wanted him to do anything for me on Mother's Day and I told him the truth: I don't know. I wish I could force myself to figure out how I am going to react when that day is here... I don't know if him being sweet to me that day will make me feel better or more upset. If only I believed in crystal balls and psychics... because this would be something I would ask about. I feel stupid even worrying about this, because there are plenty of other things that could use my attention. However, that is what is weighing on me right now... only time will tell... (which is super annoying btw)

PS- For those that read my last entry, I woke up the next day and felt completely fine. I mean it when I describe my grief as a day-to-day status. Some days its harder than others, and since that day I've felt ok... even as I write this entry I am not crying as I think about our previous plans, I am just trying to figure it all out, and I know it will take as long as it needs to for me to feel better on a more permanite basis... I will keep waiting, and of course, keep you posted.