There really is no denying, sugarcoating or avoiding the truth. I was a mess. If you had told me then, that this year on what would have been Mason's first birthday that I would be where I am now... I would have told you that you were delusional.
This year Mason's birthday snuck up on me, but I didn't have any profound reaction. I know a lot of that has a lot to do with how happy and blessed I feel on a daily basis being around Averie. My daughter has changed my life in so many ways that I can't even begin to describe them. I feel like I have grown so much as a person, and this year on June 11th I saw the proof.
On the 11th we as a family decided to turn off our phones and spend the day completely focused on our family. We went to the beach, because for some reason we associate Mason with water. It was a really special day, and it ended with me writing to him in his journal. I've only written in it once since June 11th of last year- to tell him about Averie and to ask him to watch over her. I know that he does, because sometimes Averie will look up to this one spot in her room and smile or laugh. There isn't anything else for her to look at in this spot besides the ceiling. Light doesn't reflect there, nothing is hanging near it... its just a piece of ceiling but no matter where we are in her room she'll turn to it and smile. For some reason this doesn't freak me out (like it would with anyone else- or another kid) I immediately feel happy and I just know it's him. Think I'm crazy if you want, but tell me how you would explain this picture:
I give my husband a hard time because I am always taking pics of him and the baby, but he never takes any of me. He was trying to get a shot of her looking over my shoulder and then she pointed right to my tattoo. At first I thought it was a coincidence but then I started thinking about it and I believe that she knows that that's her brother. I'm usually a skeptic to this kind of stuff but I really think on some level she knows who he is. Even after seeing this photo I did not become the familiar mess that I know myself to be. I had this calmness come over me all day, and I had a really wonderful day with my family. That was truly a blessing. I can't put into words how grateful I am to have days like these. Most days are good now, sometimes I will find myself missing him but what used to be weeks are now just moments. I think as time goes on I have become more and more sure of our decision, and more confident that things are the way they are for a reason. Plus, I have this beautiful miracle baby making my life worth living.
We have so much in front of us, it's hard to be sad. Let's revisit Operation Baby Farm: We really want to give Averie a sibling soon but living with my parents and the limited space we have halts that process. We don't want to start trying until 1. Averie stops breast feeding on her own 2. We get our own space 3. We are in a situation where I can stay home full time. I guess you could say Operation Baby Farm has been transformed into Operation Happily Ever After. Lets go through the above criteria and what that means.
1. Despite my overall distaste for bf'ing it really is what is best for my family so I have committed to continue until Averie quits on her own or until #'s 2 and 3 get completed and we start trying again. For those of you who aren't familiar with how bf'ing changes your body: most women don't get their periods while exclusively breast feeding. They probably ovulate but without your period it's really hard to track. When you do become pregnant hormones tend to make your milk dry up as well. So, it'll just be easier on all of us that when we decide to start trying we stop bf'ing.
2. We are open to moving somewhere where I could stay home and we could survive on my husband's salary. This is tricky in California, but we are in the process of house hunting and doing our research for a place that is safe, not too far away, and with a lower cost of living. This is hard to accomplish, so for the time being I plan to go back to work in August. We are no longer going to take over my parent's mortgage when they retire, we simply cannot afford it (even if I kept working). There is no timeline on this one, we just are hoping for sooner rather than later.
3. I love working, and I love my job but I think its fundamentally more important to me to stay home with my kids while they're too young for school. I realize this is not for everyone... and heck before Averie I never even had the notion to stay home, I always wanted to work. I can't really describe how or when the switch happened... but it literally feels like a knife through my heart to think about going back to work and being away from my daughter. Even on the days where she is really fussy and I am completely exhausted I am still so thankful for each day.
I guess that's what my experience with Mason was supposed to teach me: what a blessing every day with my children will be. Believe me, I can hear the 'ok come talk to me in 13 years' that is radiating from each and every one of my readers... but I pray every night that I maintain this zen patience that has come along with being a new mom for at least 95% of my life of parenthood, and that I'll forgive myself for the other 5%.
What we do know: we want to have our kids pretty close in age. Kev and his brother are almost 4 years apart and they are best friends. That seems lucky to me to have that far in age difference and they are still close. All my siblings have a 5+ age difference and none of us were close until adulthood. I don't want Averie and our future kids to have to wait until they're adults to appreciate and love each other.
It seems like we have so much to do, but we just have big dreams. I know things take time, and for now we are all in a good place (in mind and in body) so we are taking our time to make our dreams come true. It's all just over the horizon!
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