Learning to Listen

I just finished the book Heaven Is For Real by Todd Burpo and I think it may have changed my life. Even if you aren't religious, I highly suggest you read it. It is about a father who watched his son almost die, but then miraculously recovers and returns with amazing tales of his trip to Heaven. I have to say, I think God really wanted me to read this book. On the very same day, 3 separate people told me I needed to read it, and then 2 more on a different day. No one was talking about books or movies in any of those situations. It was super organic, which told me it was a sign that I did in fact need to read this book. So, my mom sent it to me and if I had my way I wouldn't have put it down.

Unfortunately, reading an entire book in 24 hours is a thing of the past with a blooming business, a one year old and a cuddly hungry hubby. Most of my reading happens when I'm pumping (15 minutes here and there) but I got a great opportunity to read this weekend on our way to and from a family reunion. To put it simply: I was a crying FOOL in that car! My husband was so cute, rubbing my knee while he drove and I wept. He kept saying "we're going to a party! Get it together!" Haha!

I don't want to give too much of the book's magic away, but there is a part where the boy, Colton, tells his mother that he met the baby she miscarried in heaven. He had no idea his mom had had a miscarriage (there are many other things in the book that are true, that he had no way of knowing unless his journey to heaven was real.) There were 2 sentences that had me crying an equal combination of happy and sad tears:

Colton tells his mom of his sister, "She said she just can't wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven" and after that conversation there is a moment where the mother is overcome with emotion and she says to her husband "She's ok, our baby is ok". I just lost it there... that's something I have wondered and prayed about since the day of my surgery. The Bible doesn't say much about the children in situations like ours. In my heart I always hoped that Mason was in heaven, but God basically forcing this book on me, was to let me know he's ok. He is with him in heaven and one day we will all be united again. It may sound silly to some, but this book is exactly what I needed to give my heart the peace it's been searching for.

I've been feeling the burn in my heart more than normal to put my life in God's hands, to let Him take the lead. For the last 8 months or so, I've been trying to control everything myself and trying to fool myself into thinking I'm actually in control here. It wasn't until I read the words in my friend's blog Whispering Brave that I was actually able to pinpoint my problem: I am in my own way. I am in my own way of listening to God and the things he has put into my heart. I've been so angry for so long that I didn't even realize that he's been answering my prayers, despite my anger towards him, all along.

Every day I pray for strength. Strength in being a better wife, a better mother, a better friend and a better daughter. Every day I pray that I wake up and am a better person than I was a day before. Every day I do this, and I am too busy to listen. I didn't even realize that he was trying to help me. Pretty recently, I have had a few difficult people put in my path. One is normal for most (I would think) but to have 3 at the same time- God is trying to teach me by testing me and I just wasn't paying attention.

I pray all the time asking God to show me how to teach my daughter to be a kind person, to be a compassionate person. What better way than to put people in my life that force me to live that way, thus showing her by being the example. He has been testing me, seeing if I really wanted the things I have been praying for. Once I figured out to listen to my heart (and Him), dealing with these people has been so easy. When you can remove your emotions from the situation and see that some people are just miserable, that it really has nothing to do with you, it is easy to distance yourself from them, and keep their negativity out of your life. It also removes the power any of their words might have on you, and it feels really good!

The same goes for the positive side, he also sent me people in my life that have shown me what true friendship is. He has shown me how to embrace them. By choosing to surround myself with people that are good and kind it will inevitably teach my daughter to do the same. Being exposed to the kindness of these people helps teach me what kind of friend I want to be. It's amazing to see the kind of friendships that I have had the pleasure of building once I made the choice to surround myself with positive, kind people. I used to think it was because I was young and immature that I didn't have these kinds of friendships when I was younger, but now a part of me thinks it corresponds to a time when I didn't have God in my life the way I have in the last 10 years. (This is not to say that I am only friends with people that have the same relationship with God as I do, I am just saying there is a distinguishable difference from one time period to another. The difference is largely in who I have become in the last 10 years.)

My journey to being a better daughter has certainly improved once I became a mother myself. My relationship with my own mother hasn't always been sunshine and rainbows, but I can say now, without wavering that it is the best it has ever been. I can see things that I couldn't see before becoming a mom, and my daughter was a gift directly from God, which means my better relationship with my own mom was too.

I think the task of becoming a better wife is a life long one. I am lucky because I have an amazing husband. However, I think every woman has moments when she doesn't feel like the best wife but if I took a minute to pay attention, I would have seen that we have never been closer- we are trying to have another baby- what is more intimate than that? Creating a life from love?! Amazing. More prayers being answered that I wouldn't have realized if I hadn't gotten out of my own way. Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant. (For anyone on bump watch- I am not currently pregnant.) I know this is God letting me know that he is listening to my prayers, and if I keep putting my heart in His hands I will always be a "work in progress" but on the right path.