By the title of this blog you are probably expecting an update on Operation Baby Farm, the body edition. Well, that's not really the 'weights' I mean, but I'll give you a quick update on that too. I am on my 2nd week of Weight Watchers and so far I've lost 2.5lbs a week. I hope to lose a little over 10lbs by mid March, so it looks like I will make it if I keep up on it. For those of you who haven't done WW its a point system for the things you eat, I am lucky because I love fruit and veggies (which are 0 points) but it does seem daunting to have this point obsession in the back of my mind at all times. I will say though, that once you start eliminating the things you don't need to eat, you stop missing them, and its not such a big deal as time goes on... so that part is nice at least ;)
As for the 'weights' I was referring to... I have been feeling like there are things on my shoulders that have been weighing me down and making me feel like I was suffocating. I have permission from my husband to write about this, so if you are close to us it might be hard to read at first- but stick with me ok?
When everything started to go horribly wrong, the very first thought I had was to leave my husband. It isn't anything that he did, or will ever do. What it all came down to was the guilt I immediately felt when we were put into this situation, and how much I thought it was my fault. I know logically that I couldn't control all the things we were being faced with, but emotionally I couldn't help but feel responsible. I've written about aspects of these feelings in the past, so I don't want to go in depth on those feelings again, but they were very real and continue to be when I am in my darkest times.
The guilt that I felt most of all was that this situation was always going to be tied to me. If I couldn't control what we were already faced with, there was a part of me that wanted to control what he would face in his future. I never want to be the worst thing to happen to someone, and I had this overwhelming fear that one day my amazing husband would wake up and feel that way towards me. I can honestly say that I selfishly never want to be without my husband, but if I knew with 100% certainty that he would be better off without me, I could leave. I would do anything for him, including causing myself to be sad and alone, if that meant that one day he could get the happy ending that he deserves.
I let some of this guilt go when he showed me just how much he is here for me, and in all the events leading up to and after my surgery. He proves to me on a daily basis why I am thankful for him, and how lucky I am to have him. Some days though, it makes my guilt worse. I feel like I don't deserve to have such a huge blessing in my life. When the Dr told me he saw an abnormality on my ultrasound a few weeks back I had resolved that if the news was bad at my follow up appointment, I would do whatever I needed to give my husband the life that I think he deserves. Luckily, the appointment went well- but then I was left with the residual feelings from the week leading up to it and with the encouragement of a friend, I decided to share my feelings with my husband.
I wanted to make sure I approached the subject cautiously- because even though I didn't plan to go anywhere I have never kept a secret from my husband and wanted to make sure I articulated my feelings without hurting him. We were in bed about to go to sleep and I asked him if we could talk. He put his arms around me and before I could finish explaining he said he already knew. My incredible husband, he knows what I'm thinking before I do, and he could tell what I had been feeling even before I had the guts to tell him. He wasn't mad, he understood that my thought process and actions would always be for his best interest. He also made it clear that I was not to make decisions for him in regards to our relationship. He told me how much he loves me, and if he ever comes to the point where he wants to leave he will let me know. He reassured me and all my insecurities and made me think that I could start taking steps to feel normal again. I am always grateful to my husband, but for this conversation I had a new level of appreciation and love for him. Just like that I could feel the heaviness on my chest and shoulders start to lift.
Guilt is a very heavy thing to experience- it sits on you and weighs you down like nothing else. Although I would be completely broken without my husband I was ready to be that broken person if it meant he could be happy. I know I pulled away from friends and family while I was dealing with all these emotions which is really self destructive but it's the only way I know how to work through my emotions. Luckily, I have a husband that understands this and even though he knew what was going on, he granted me the space and time I needed to work it out. To say that I fell even more in love with him during this conversation would be an understatement. Even at my lowest points, he is there to hold me up and make me whole again. For that, I will be forever grateful.
The timing of all of this is kind of poetic. We are planning a trip to the east coast for our 1st Wedding Anniversary and we are going to renew our vows with the family that couldn't be at our first wedding. It's exactly what we need at this point in our relationship. A very dear friend (one of the east coasters we are visiting) told me that it would be the perfect way to start our next chapter and I couldn't agree more. He told me to think about the vows we said to each other just one year ago, to reflect on everything we've been though and our new vows will come to us. I can't wait to get started <3
I love you baby.
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