The Last Entry

Last week my post was pretty much a juvenile bitch fest. I let the little things get me down, and to be honest when I went back and read it I was embarrassed that I didn't handle it better. However, I have always tried to be honest on here, so even if I'm not always proud of the way I am handling things, at least I can be truthful about the process, and not re-edit myself (because I can't re-edit life right?)

The nice thing is that the very next day I took another ovulation test just out of curiosity and it was positive for ovulation. I know I shouldn't let my 'ovulatory status' rule my life but I felt let down every time I took the test and it came back negative. I felt like my body was still against me, but when I saw the positive test I got this very calm feeling. I know it sounds stupid, but literally my whole world changed when the proof that I wasn't broken was in my hands.

We had already decided to wait to try again until after my birthday in April so we didn't act on the positive test, but honestly... we didn't need to. I was so happy and at peace knowing that we even had the option, that it didn't bother me to wait.

Today was my first day off in 12 days and I decided to try and paint. I've been painting for the last 3 years off and on. I haven't had any training, so it takes me a long time to figure out how to execute my ideas. I do a lot of googling of technique and I am basically terrified as I work that I will screw it up and have to start all over. Many of my paintings have ended up in the trash...

After my surgery we stopped at 'our' beach (you can read more about that here ) and I took this photo:

I ended up loving this photo, and I knew that I wanted to try and paint it. In true form, I let my fear of not being experienced enough keep me from doing it. I also convinced myself that it would be too hard emotionally to do it. I'm not sure what got me in the mood to do it today but for whatever reason I woke up and knew that I wanted to paint. It took me about 3 hours to do... I'm honestly not sure if that is a short time or a long time but it was the best 3 hours I've had in the last few months. 2012 has been a bitch to me, with plenty of ups and downs. After my positive ovulation test and the emotional stress I was able to let go of today I think I can safely say that there won't be any more depressing entries on this blog. I really want to focus my energy on being positive and looking forward. I spent enough time letting myself fall into destructive patterns and feelings and I am ready to move on.

I hope that people will be interested to read about the other parts of my life that are important, and things that have nothing to do with being sad. This is my last 'sad' entry.

Here is the final product of my painting: