Shaken

I am perfectly fine, in the general sense.

But if I allow my mind to wander, I can't help but feel like a nervous wreck. I spend a lot of my time finding ways to distract myself so that my brain isn't allowed to put me in this place, but sometimes it's unavoidable. Right now, it seems impossible to turn my thoughts to anything else, its completely consuming ever piece of me and I don't know how to fix it.

So I decided to write.

Most of the time I have a plan for my blogs- I may not know the outcome or the content but I have a general idea of what I want to say. This time is different because there is so much going through my head that I'm not entirely sure how to figure out which thing to pay attention to. Am I the only one to experience this?

I had my follow up Dr appointment today. It was perfectly uneventful, yet I couldn't shake this uneasy feeling I had and following my appointment I just sat in my car and cried. I'm not sure if its all the stress and emotions I was fighting off the entire week leading up to my appointment, or if its the simple fact that I no longer trust my body. Our Dr said everything looked great on my ultrasound, the abnormality he saw a week ago was no longer visible, and therefore we shouldn't worry about it. He said to keep on my increased dosage of folic acid, and maybe to increase it when we get pregnant again. Oh, and if we wanted to, we could start trying in about a week.

I wasn't sure what to do with that information. I appreciated the go ahead, and it terrified me at the same time. As much as the thoughts of trying again as soon as possible consume me, the possibility that this could happen again absolutely chills me to my core. It seems so daunting and scary, to have to start all over. I think I can deal with the sickness, because at least this time I'll know what to expect. I just cant stop myself from thinking that we aren't in the clear- this could all happen again. Not even the same illness, there are a million things that can go wrong. What message would God be trying to send us if something were to go wrong again? I know, logically, there is no point to giving these thoughts any credibility- but I just can't shake that feeling that something is going to go wrong, my body will betray me again and then what will I do with myself?

I have had a really rough week- but you wouldn't know it from the outside. I have gotten good at hiding my tears, not showing my feelings when they creep up on me, putting all my energy into my job and pretending to sleep so my husband doesn't worry. I am so scared of what the future holds for us that I'm not sure I can take the steps to move towards it. Our Dr said we could start trying again and all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and hide. All I can think about lately is how I should be getting ready for my 3rd trimester, not tracking my ovulation to start over again.

When people ask me how I'm doing, what I want to respond with is "What is the most damaging thing to happen to you? How are you doing with that?" I know its an unfair reaction, but I have run out of ways to explain how I feel. Shaken is the best I can come up with right now... uneasy.. terrified.. those are good too. I'm still so SO angry all the time, and I don't know how to move past it. I desperately want to be ok again, I don't want to be the damaged person that I can feel myself becoming. I don't want to instinctively reach for a tummy that isn't there anymore and not be able to control the emotions that wash over me. I want to feel like a whole and complete person, not this damaged mess...