These people we were visiting have been so influential in my life for over 10 years. There were many years where I was closer to them than my own parents, and I still am in a lot of ways. They always accepted me for every side of myself that I presented them with. They were always understanding of my feelings and made me feel ok about them, even if I wasn't always right. They were a lot of things that my husband is for me now. Support, comfort, love. Then they had these beautiful babies that I couldn't help but fall in love with. The best part was they loved me too, they were the first kids in my life that I ever had a special connection with. I am so proud of the little people they are becoming, and in awe of how quickly they are growing up.
My husband fell easily into their graces when we started dating, and now thinks of them as family too. I don't think I have to words to describe sitting on the beach with this family and watching my husband play with their kids for an entire afternoon. I have always been able to talk to them about everything, but for some reason during this trip I changed the subject or blatantly avoided talking about Mason whenever he came up. It's not like he is something I wouldn't talk to them about, they are at the top of the list of people that I am ok even hearing his name from... but I just couldn't do it. It wasn't until we left the east coast that I actually had a real, unedited conversation with them- and it was exactly what I needed... so why didn't I allow myself to have it when I was actually with them? Something to explore in therapy I suppose...
While we were there we celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary. This family couldn't make it to our large wedding in March- and were supposed to be key components in the wedding party, so the fact that we got to celebrate our vow renewal with them meant the whole world. It was the perfect little ceremony that I had hoped for, and they far exceeded any expectations with their personal touches. It was exactly what Kev and I needed to 'recharge' our batteries. We allowed it to cleanse us, to take on the rest of this year with a new outlook. It made us even closer, which again, I am always surprised when this happens because I always assume we are as close as possible. Here are a few photos from our vow renewal:
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| Our Master of Ceremonies |
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| Our Ring Barrers and Singers |
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| Savoring the moment after the ceremony |
There are a lot of little details from our trip that were incredibly special, but I think we will keep them between us. I will say that it was the best trip, and it was exactly what my husband and I needed. We can't wait until we can go back again, I have so much love in my heart for my beautiful other family.
Now for an update on our current lives...
When we got back to the west coast I had an appointment where I had the opportunity to receive a shot that would insure that I ovulate. I have ovulated since my surgery, but it was basically an insurance policy that things should happen on time. When I went in, I was alone (Kev had to work) and I couldn't stop thinking that I wasn't ready. Then when the Dr came in, I couldn't hold it in. I had a mini freak out in the middle of my Dr appointment. I started crying and telling them I couldn't do it, I wasn't ready.
My doctors deduced from my melt down that I have PTSD. I never really thought about it before they were sitting in front of me, explaining what was wrong. A few wise friends had mentioned it, but I always associated PTSD with veterans- you know... someone who has actually seen the worst life has to offer... I didn't think what I had been through amounted to anything close to what veterans have experienced. My doctors explained that even if I didn't think what I was going through was worthy of a diagnosis, it was obvious to them what was wrong. I have a strong aversion to taking meds, I don't knock anyone who takes them- I just don't think they are right for me. However, I also decided after a lot of consideration to take their advise. So a few weeks ago I started taking a low-dose (at my request) anti-depressant and as soon as I am able to get my insurance in order, I am to see a therapist regularly. My husband and I saw a family/trauma specialist but they want me to focus on solo visits... so I will. One thing I do really believe in is therapy, and I am more than happy to comply with this doctor's order.
People have been telling me since all of this happened with Mason that I should try to find a way to enjoy the time I was 'given' ... cough... forced into receiving... cough... and only recently did I start to agree. Soon my husband will be graduating from college and we will be moving back home to stay with family so we can save money to hopefully purchase a house. Before when I was pregnant, that plan was perfect because we would be surrounded by family. After we lost the baby, we decided it was still the smartest move so that we could set ourselves up for a better future.
There are other decisions to be made about this future though, and I am having a hard time figuring out what it is I want to do with this time. The agreement my husband and I have had the last few years is that he would finish school and I would work full time and eventually go back to school when he was done. Now that time is coming and I actually have to think about what I want to do. Part of me never expected this time to come. I don't want to sound like I never get my way, because that isn't true. However, when it comes to major life events I am used to being disappointed, or having things happen on a different timeline than I had originally planned.
My problem is that part of me doesn't want to acknowledge this time where I need to focus on myself, and the other part of me has no clue what I want to do. My husband has graciously volunteered to take on the brunt of our financial obligations when we move home. Something I didn't think was ever going to be an option for us. He is kind that way, he wants me to follow my passions whatever they may be and he is willing to take all this on for me. I love so many different things and I really need to spend some time soul-searching and pin pointing how I really want to be spending the rest of my life. Before I thought I had it all figured out, I was going to be Mason's mom and Kevin's wife and I was fine somewhat fading into the background to support them. Now I am being given the opportunity to put myself first, and I honestly don't know how to handle it. I can tell you one thing, while I am not looking forward to figuring it out, I am looking forward whatever our future holds.
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