Stress

As much as I try to remind myself that sometimes little things don't matter, they still end up creeping up on me. Then come the bigger things and I have to figure out which ones to pay attention to, and which ones can be filed away for later. Every once and a while my 'wait until later' brain file gets so full that I cant help but allow it all to come spilling out. This last week has been the perfect example of this, and although I try to arm myself with tools to over come it, sometimes you need to just let it happen.

Over the last week I got summoned for Jury Duty for the very first time and no one was more surprised than I was when I got picked. I find the judicial system very interesting (I'm a law and order junkie) but I was not happy that I got selected for a trial that is 2 weeks long. Needless to say, my place of business was not thrilled with the idea either.

This week I was tracking my ovulation cycle on the orders of my doctor. According to him I was supposed to ovulate on Wednesday. I never ovulated this week at all. We weren't even going to try this month, it was purely for tracking purposes so we could be prepared for April but it never happened. Now I have to go into the Dr's office on a specific day of my cycle and be injected with something (I forget what it is, I think its hormones... I'll google it eventually) and it will force my body to ovulate. Once again, work was not happy with me adding days that I need off. It's hard to care about that though when I am all consumed with the fact that I didn't ovulate. What does this mean for next month? Will the shot even work? I have so many questions, and many more things that I would rather put my brain power towards, but I'm forced to care what other's think about all this instead of what I think of it.

Today was like the perfect storm of crap. Without going into too much detail there was drama that I unfortunately got dragged into and when I tried to defend myself it only made things worse. Now, I get to wait weeks before it's going to be resolved which means I'm going to obsess over it until its done. Sadly, I don't see it ending well, and probably at my expense. Talking about how unfair the situation is, is just a waste of time. I just don't have the energy it takes to keep up with the people involved, nor do I have the desire to be on their level but when I am around them I just can't help it- they get completely under my skin and no matter how much I try to remove myself from the situation I always find myself involved again. Its a vicious cycle caring about people and things (vague enough for you lol?) to the point where you end up fighting for what you believe is right. When I bring things up, it's not to cause more drama. Usually by the time I bring something up, it's the very last straw, I've exhausted all my resources and I really do feel like it's the right thing to do.

I have a problem with people who just like to cause drama, but not enough to go crying about it to anyone else. When something happens that is flat out not right, only then do i speak up- but I still get treated the same as a tattler. I think is wrong to put both of those types of people into the same assumption. One is obviously trying to cause problems, and the other is trying to resolve them- its 2 different things in my eyes.

What I am trying to get at is this week is not the worst week of my life. I feel awful, I am completely drained of all energy, I trust no one at this point, and I am sad to be surrounded by these people... BUT I can do it. Although I want to give up at times, I keep reminding myself that this is nothing compared to what I've already been through. On the other hand, once I realize that this is nothing compared to the events that I'm referring to as 'The Darkest January' I am suddenly not interested in dealing with these things at all. Does that make sense? I guess I have a new sense of what is important and what isn't, and the things that don't measure up to my new 'normal' have no business in my life at all. This gets me in trouble too, because there are things that I'm supposed to care about like my life hasn't changed, and I just can't... and don't... and honestly I probably never will again. However, these things are important to others so I have to find a way to either try to care even a little, or become really good at faking it.