It was easier than I thought. When I was wide awake in bed the night before I was sure that when it actually came time to make the moves I would be frozen in my emotions, but it wasn't like that. I guess it's still helping me to keep moving forward, to keep following through with the plans that I make. When it came time to re-label the storage bins I decided to give myself a little encouragement:
I know it's cheesy and I can't really defend my adorkableness (thank you New Girl for the vocab!) I just love words. I love that you can read something and it can make you feel a certain way. When i see encouraging things in my own hand writing it gives me that little something extra- so sometimes I leave myself post-its or messages on our white board and it helps. I also went the extra mile and wrote a little note to myself for when I get to re-open this box and use it's contents. I tucked it into the clothes, and I know I will forget that I did it. I also know that I will for sure be feeling something I am unfamiliar with when it comes time to need these again, and some words written by me to me will be what I need.
It surprised me today when I realized that it's been exactly one month since our ultrasound changed our futures. I know I should probably have some profound thought on it all but I don't. I am living it as I go, doing the best I can. Some days it feels like all of this happened years ago and I feel perfectly fine. Other days I find myself googling emotional rehab centers, convinced that what I am feeling will last forever. The one thing I can say is, the harder days are getting fewer and I can focus on the great blessings I have around me.
I find myself surprised sometimes but the things, or people that have helped me along the way. I never could have guessed some of the people in my life that have experienced something similar, and their strength is truly inspiring. I never could have guessed a few people from my past could be so helpful on my way to the future. It's easy to talk to them, because they don't treat me differently, maybe they don't know me as well or maybe its because there are no expectations from either of us to get in the way. Whatever the reason, I am grateful.
A friend who went through a grieving process of their own said "I'm starting to run out of 'firsts' so it's gotta get easier," and I couldn't agree more. Today I was surprised how someone else's reaction to what happened to us affected me. I ran into this someone while I was on my lunch break at work, it was a kind and sweet someone that I hadn't seen in a while. They asked me how the baby was and I had to tell them our story. I kept it short and tried to stay positive but... have you ever looked at someone the minute their heart breaks and you can see it the very second it happens in their eyes? Sadly I've seen this many times, and that's what I saw and then they were just... crying. Before I knew it they had their arms around me and I couldn't hold back my own emotions anymore. We were just two crying dorks standing in the candy isle... at my job. It was the first time I've allowed myself to cry in front of anyone but my husband, and while it felt strange- I mean I wasn't only in a public place, I was at work- it also felt good to let someone else see me without all my guards up. Another first. I guess it's following in the trend of people that I am not close to making me feel better (at least I'm consistent...)
When I was finally alone I couldn't stop thinking about what our therapist had told me at our last session- that I didn't allow people to tell me how they felt about what happened, because I had my own feelings to deal with. By asking to grieve alone I wasn't allowing anyone else to get out their own emotions. I couldn't control myself- so basically I was controlling what was around me. Then it made me sad to think that I made anyone close to us feel like they couldn't talk to me about what was going on, or how either of us felt about it. Now, that doesn't mean I am going to go around talking to anyone who will listen about what happened, or that I will subject myself to stupid questions. I guess what it means is that I am going to work on being open. I know its only natural for people to want to talk, and I need to let them do that. I can't hide behind a blog where I can control what comments I see forever. The only fear I have is that once I acknowledge all of this to someone, they are going to take that inch and turn it into a mile and think it's ok to ask (while well intentioned) inappropriate questions. I guess that is a bridge I'll have to cross when I come to it.
While today feels like it was 50 hours long, I know tomorrow will feel shorter and that helps me get through it. I can't believe how much our life has changed in only 30 days. We are already healthier, our bodies changing, our lives are moving forward and I am letting myself feel happy without feeling guilty more and more. Bring on the next 30 I guess... we can get through it.
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