Women Supporting Women

I have lived most of my life not enjoying the company of women. There is a lot of drama that comes along with having other women around and at a certain age I decided I just didn't care enough to put the effort out there anymore. I typically get along with other women who feel the same way I do, a girls-guy if you will. In the last year or so I've made some amazing friends who are the very women I used to avoid, and I've never been happier to be wrong. It just so happens that these women happen to be moms as well, so I was excited to have this whole new world of girlfriends in my future.

Boy was I wrong!

I've mentioned in previous posts that I am a member of many different mommy forums/apps/websites ect. Most of the time they are a great resource for any questions that may pop up involving Averie and I look forward to reading the daily email topics while I am nursing in the middle of the night. I really recommend to other new moms to download these apps and become members of these web groups. Here are a few of my favorites:

iPhone Apps:
-What to expect
-BabyCenter (there is a web version but not as many forums)
-Kidfolio
-BabyBump (for when you're pregnant)

Websites:
-BabyCenter.com (the app version has less content)
-thebump.com

Like I said, these can be fantastic resources... if you stay out of the forums. If you love drama by all means venture into the forums and pick any post... literally any of them... and read the ensuing comment wars between moms who do things differently and feel they must prove that their way is the best way and won't stop... ever.

Seriously, it sickens me to read these things. Very rarely do I see an actual question answered from other experienced moms. Instead it is insipid argumentative comment after insipid argumentative comment. I've only had to deal with this in person (and in social media) a few times but I have successfully shut it down. If you let people know that you understand their parenting style but you are going to keep doing things the way that is best for you- sometimes they let it go. However some annoying moms think they still need to spend time telling you why their way is best and trying to make you feel bad about your decisions. This is crap. I have never been good with the smile-and-nod thing and just flat out tell them: just because you do things that way- it does NOT make you a better mom than me. The end. Donezo. Shut down! Listen, if you are doing everything you can to care for your baby, and you love them with all your heart... we're all on the same level. We are all the best mom if providing our child with the best life is your main objective. There is no 1st place mom in my opinion, and if that is your end goal, you aren't being the best parent you can be.

I posted on my facebook a passage from Mayim Bialik's book "Beyond the Sling" that really spoke to me. It's so good I'm going to share it here too: "There's no elegant way to say this: when you have a baby, you get to see how utterly annoying a lot of people are. Everyone has an opinion on what you are doing or not doing; everyone knows some isolated case of a kid who suffered a horrible tragedy because his parents did 'exactly the thing you're doing'; everyone feels the need to defend the way they were parented or the way they are parenting by undermining your choices; and everyone is an expert on your kid. These annoying people are allowed their opinions, but you don't have to agree with them."  She then goes on to explain how much research she did before having kids (like I did) and how she felt the need to have to explain her choices (like I do) and says "The truth was that most people didn't want to hear my reasons, my research, or our pediatrician's credentials. They simply wanted to be right."

That last sentence is exactly right. On these forums (and even in face to face) people just want to be right. I wish I knew the psychological reasoning behind it, but it seems whenever these moms (or I) want to do things differently than someone else did. It somehow offends them and they feel the need to defend their actions while simultaneously trying to convince you to drop your beliefs and do things their way- because it must be right, it must be the only way. Here is an example of something that just happened to me (but happens EVERY day on those forums) I posted a photo of Averie in a sling facing forward and it must have really bothered this person I knew because the next morning, instead of saying anything to me directly, they posted an article called "9 reasons not to forward face your baby" ... i mean... you must think I'm kidding... I'm not.

Why it bothered someone so much how I was doing things is beyond me. I don't share in this phenomenon. I see parents doing things that I would never do, but guess what? I don't care. It's not my place. I am not that kid's parent which means I get zero say in how they do things and you know what thought doesn't cross my mind? That I am a better parent than them. I don't know their history, I don't know their kid's history and frankly... NONE of it is my business so why would I ever say anything? It's different when you ask as question or if someone comes to you looking for advise- by all means go for it. Spill that knowledge girl! The most annoying thing anyone can do to me is give me unsolicited advice... especially when they haven't done their research like I have. Remember me? The infoholic... you can rest assured that i have looked up whatever I'm about to do on at least 3 different apps/websites/trusted dr/trusted mommy friend ect before I do it.

What all this really boils down to is that I find this behavior very unattractive in other females. What ever happened to women supporting one another? Why do some women feel like they have to tear someone else down to make them feel better about themselves and their life's choices. It's not a competition. It hasn't been since we were 13. Even at that age it shouldn't be... it should never be a competition in my opinion and in my mind it's not. You're doing everything you can to be the best parent? Great! So am i! We both win. I will do everything in my power to make sure Averie gets this trait as well.

It's sad that on these apps and websites where you are supposed to feel comfortable and should be able to learn so much there is just a ton of animosity and judgement. I'm not even talking about my own experiences, I can't even read other people's threads anymore. I don't judge a mom who doesn't breast feed just because I do. I don't judge a mom who co-sleeps just because I don't want to do it. My choices don't make me better than them, and their choices don't make them better than me. So can't we just be this amazing community, in the best club we'll ever be in, and just show support and love to other fellow moms? That's the kind of app that should exist.