I have a confession to make, I wasn't entirely truthful in my last post. There is a little more to the story than timing as to when we have our next child. I just want to say right off that bat that I am aware of how dumb it is to live with irrational fears, but that doesn't mean I can ignore them just because they're embarrassing. I'm hoping that laying them all out here will help me get over them.
It's no secret that being pregnant was not my favorite thing...at all. I know that a perfect or 'normal' pregnancy probably isn't in the cards for me. My friends and family like to try to convince me that things could be different this time, but with 2 pregnancies under my belt and neither of them a picnic, I'm not delusional enough to believe I could have a care-free pregnancy. It may sound dumb but I am very nervous about being super suck again- but this time it would be while entertaining and caring for a toddler. I barely made it each day when it was just me I had to worry about, and for some reason thinking about being sick and watching Averie by myself all day at the same time terrifies me. I guess it could all come back to the fact that I really want to give my daughter a different mother-daughter experience than I had growing up. The whole point in us working towards Operation Happily Ever After is so I can dedicate all my time to our kids. I realize that a somewhat distracted mom for 9 months probably won't make much of a blip on Averie's early childhood radar, but I am already feeling guilty over it.
I'm scared about the odds. While I've experienced the devastation of having to end a pregnancy, I can't imagine the pain of a miscarriage. For some reason this topic isn't talked about as much when women are getting educated on their bodies but a substantial amount of pregnancies end in this manner. About 25% actually. That statistic scares me for some reason... like I would be next. This is absolutely the most irrational of all my baby-making fears but when you have something rare happen to you once - (Mason's condition only happens to 7% of pregnancies... and gestational diabetes in 4%) - you kind of expect statistics to work against you. Obviously I don't expect to attempt to control this.. but I heard once if you voice your fears it takes away some of their ability to scare you.
I'm not worried about getting GD again. I conquered it the last time, and I'm educated enough that I could do it again. If and when we do decide to start trying again I am going to make sure to get back on my folic acid prescription and change my diet and exercise regimen to be GD friendly. Irrational or not- better safe than sorry.
Ok, here is the absolutely ridiculous and most selfish reason I am scared to have another baby. I don't think there's any way to write about this where I don't come off as an asshole so here it is: my daughter is amazing! I'm not bragging (ok maybe a little) but stay with me here... she is the happiest baby (even when she was colicky she smiled between cries), she is smart (we passed the milestones for her age group over a month ago), she is strong (and needs to cool it or I'm gonna have a walker on my hands before she's a year) and the cutest baby. I get compliments from everyone I know (and some I don't) on how gorgeous she is. On the reg I get some form of 'all babies are cute- but she's really cute!" (and I don't correct them or act modest- because they're right haha)
What could be bad about all of this? It's those damn statistics again- if my daughter is this amazing there is no way I'll be blessed with another happy temperament-super smart-over achiever baby twice in a row. For some reason when I talk about this people immediately think I'm saying I wont love my 2nd kid as much, or if they aren't perfect I won't care about them as much as her. THIS IS NOT WHAT I'M SAYING! What I am saying is we were uber-blessed with Averie and all her great qualities, and the biggest bonus of all: she's completely healthy. I'm scared we won't be this lucky twice (in health mostly) but also in temperament. I know we can handle anything at this point, but I think its ok and completely human to admit we don't want to be in a position to handle everything and anything.
I have a handful of friends with sick kids and I look at them in awe. I don't know where they find the strength each day to handle everything, but they do, and to me they are complete rock stars. I'm sure when you are put into a situation like that, you do everything you can to be a great parent and caregiver. Parenting on any level isn't easy- so when you throw those curve balls into the mix I can't help but be inspired by my friends every day. Averie is my miracle baby, and I am so thankful to have her... I guess what I'm saying is I don't want to push my luck. I'm not one of those people who can look at the world and know every thing's going to be ok at every twist and turn. I cry and hide and then figure out a plan. I am by no means a rock star parent... and on some level I don't want to tempt fate. Like I said before, its absolutely ridiculous and selfish to think about but there it is, out in the open. I can't be the only parent to ever think this way, but maybe I'm the only one to admit it. With everything I've dealt with regarding Mason has forced me to examine everything I do and only move forward when I'm absolutely sure I'm ready, and I guess I'm just not there yet.
Believe me, I do know it's a huge waste of time worrying about things you can't change but this is how my brain works... I worry until I'm ready to move on, or until I convince myself the gamble is worth the risk. It's actually one of my only qualities I am completely comfortable with, because I understand my process and luckily my husband seems to as well. I also have faith that God will lead me in the right direction. Hopefully now that I've laid all my cards on the cosmic table, fate will help me to overcome these silly fears so I can move on.
No comments:
Post a Comment